Am I(22F) expecting too much from my boyfriend(23M), or is it reasonable to feel hurt by the lack of effort when we're apart?
My boyfriend and I have been together for around 3 months. We were friends before dating, and one of the reasons I initially hesitated about the relationship was that I was afraid becoming a couple would create expectations and eventually affect our friendship.
I want to clarify that he is not a bad boyfriend overall, and I don't want this post to sound like he never does anything for me.
When we're together, he makes me feel good. After arguments, he usually puts effort into resolving things. He handles me well when I'm vulnerable and generally makes me feel cared for when I'm physically with him.
But I've noticed a pattern that bothers me: when we're not together, especially during weekdays or when he's away, I sometimes wonder whether I even cross his mind.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed a few situations that made me feel this way.
I had an AFSB interview coming up on November 2. I asked him if he wanted to come with me. He said he didn't know what would happen then and whether he'd get leave. I felt hurt because I had expected him to at least ask about it himself, and I told him that some of my friends had suggested that he should obviously come with me. He apologized afterward.
Before that, I had been laid off and was looking for a job. He told me not to go home for Diwali and to focus on finding a job. At that point, he was actually going to stay too, so I thought we'd both be in Pune and could accompany each other. Later, I found out that he was going home on November 2, and I didn't even know until his brother was booking his flight tickets. I hadn't booked my own ticket because I thought we were both staying. When I told him I felt bad that he hadn't told me, he apologized again.
Then I found out he was planning a Goa trip with his college friends. I didn't know about it until around two days before, when I went to meet him and he casually told me he was going to Goa. He didn't really give me any details beforehand.
Now he's on the Goa trip. I genuinely have no problem with him going, having fun, or spending time with his friends. I don't expect him to be constantly available.
But for the last two days, I've been the one initiating almost every call and asking what he's doing. He has called me only once in these two days, and that call lasted around 1.5 minutes. Most of our conversations have been things like, “I'm going for breakfast, I need to cut the call,” or “I'm going to the beach, I need to cut the call.”
What hurts me isn't that he's busy. It's the feeling that I'm always the one trying to maintain the connection when we're apart.
And this is confusing because when we're together, I don't feel this way at all. He can be caring, affectionate and supportive. So I'm not sure whether I'm being unreasonable or whether I'm noticing a genuine difference in how much effort he puts into the relationship when we're physically apart.
I also don't want to keep complaining about it. I don't want him to feel like I'm frustrated simply because he's enjoying himself or because I don't have a big friend circle of my own. And I definitely don't want to become someone who measures her relationship by how many calls or texts she receives.
Before we became a couple, he was my friend. If he didn't call me, I didn't think much about it. I had no expectation that he should update me about his plans. But after becoming a couple, naturally my expectations increased.
That's actually one of the reasons I initially didn't want this relationship. I was afraid that eventually the expectations would hurt both of us and that somewhere along the way, I'd lose the friendship we had.
Now I'm wondering if that's exactly what is happening.
So am I expecting a reasonable level of communication and consideration from a partner, or am I becoming too emotionally dependent on his attention?
How do you distinguish between having reasonable expectations in a relationship and becoming overly attached?
And how do you become emotionally independent without becoming emotionally distant or pretending you don't care?
TL;DR: My boyfriend is caring and supportive when we're together, especially during vulnerable moments and after arguments. But when we're apart, I often feel like I'm not on his mind—he doesn't proactively tell me about plans, and I usually initiate calls. Recently I found out about his Goa trip and other travel plans very late, and during his 2-day Goa trip he called me only once for about 1.5 minutes. I don't mind him enjoying himself or spending time with friends; I'm struggling with the difference between how connected I feel when we're together and how forgotten I feel when we're apart. I initially hesitated to date him because I feared a relationship would create expectations and damage our friendship. Am I asking for reasonable effort, or becoming too emotionally dependent?