u/Fibrosis5O

How To Be The Perfect Uber Driver™️

1. Make sure to smoke on the way to pick up passengers.
   You had the windows cracked after all, so the smell is obviously gone. If passengers complain, they’re just sensitive. Bonus points if you flick cigarette butts out the window to stay classy.

2. Wash and vacuum your car once a month maximum.
   If passengers step on old receipts, fries, or random trash, it builds character. If your white car is so dirty it looks grey, even better — helps you stay hidden from passengers trying to find you.

3. Always drive on fumes.
   Fuel pumps LOVE that. If the low fuel light has been on for two days, you’re doing it right. Bonus points if you stop for gas mid-ride and jokingly guilt the passengers into paying for it.

4. Accept a $3 ride and complain about the pay the entire trip.
   Sure, you could’ve declined it… but then your acceptance rate might go down and the app gods may smite you.

5. Accept rides you never intended to take.
   Drive the opposite direction or just sit there. You’re trying to avoid lowering your acceptance rate, but you ALSO don’t want your cancel rate going up. The solution? Make the passenger cancel first.

6. Talk politics and religion nonstop.
   If the passenger disagrees politically, debate them aggressively. If they don’t share your religion, convert them. You’ve got 10–15 minutes to save their soul and fix society.

7. Drive like you’re playing Crazy Taxi.
   Speed, weave through traffic, slam brakes, tailgate — passengers LOVE feeling like they’re inside a near-death experience. The more reckless the driving, the more they’ll appreciate the urgency.

8. Keep a visible piss bottle in the car.
   Passengers seeing it will instantly think:
   “Wow… this driver really suffers for this job.”
   Bonus points if you grab it for a drink to prove it’s not pee.

9. Ignore passenger messages completely.
   Passenger trying to explain there’s a locked gate or impossible pickup point? Don’t read it. Pull up to the pin and act confused. That’s THEIR problem now.

10. Take children without car seats.
    Illegal? Dangerous? Potentially catastrophic? Sure. But that airport surge was paying good money and “it’s only a short ride.”

11. Never take the freeway even when traffic is clear and the app literally tells you to.
    Passengers LOVE watching the ETA slowly double while you crawl through 17 traffic lights to “save gas.”

Bonus points if you camp in the middle lane while cars violently pass on both sides.

12. Don’t practice good hygiene.
    You’re just sitting all day, so there’s NO way you smell. A weekly rinse is plenty. Never actually scrub anything — just let the shower water “flow over” you and call it good.

Same socks all week too. If they can stand up on their own by Friday, congratulations: maximum efficiency achieved.

13. Don’t use AC.
    Windows down no matter how hot it is. Gas costs money and passengers are cheap anyway. If they wanted air conditioning they should’ve ordered Comfort or “paid more upfront.”

Who cares if it’s 110 degrees outside? Sweat builds resilience.

BONUS ROUND:

14. At rideshare waiting lots, park like a complete menace.
    Sit at weird angles. Block exits. Leave giant gaps nobody can use. Stare at your phone with your mouth open while 14 other drivers pile up behind you.

If another driver honks?
Laugh and give them the finger.

This is YOUR spot.

How To Be The Perfect Uber Passenger™️

1. Always order UberX no matter your group size.
2. Once you order the ride, never look at your phone again.
3. Never actually be ready for pickup.
4. Especially in Las Vegas. If there’s a designated rideshare area, ignore it completely and stand at the main entrance instead. Bonus points if casino security is actively yelling at drivers not to stop there.
5. Keep notifications off and never read driver messages.
6. If you DO respond, ignore everything they said and simply reply:

“

1. Where are you?”

“

1. I’m here.”

Important: never look at the app where Uber already displays the make, model, color, license plate, driver photo, current GPS location, and enough information to launch a small military operation.

🎉 Congratulations! 🎉
You’re well on your way to becoming the ultimate 4.5-star passenger.

Can you go even lower and still get rides?
Challenge yourself today!

⭐️ 4.8 = “occasionally annoying but harmless”
⭐️ 4.7 = “drivers sigh when accepting, always late”
⭐️ 4.6 = “instant regret after pickup”
⭐️ 4.5 = “how are you still allowed on the platform?”
⭐️ 4.4 and below = “Legendary Status Unlocked”

Should I do:
How To Be The Perfect Uber Driver™️

Edit: Reddit mashes strange spaces I’ve tried to edit it 3 times but it forces numbers and breaks so I gave up so sorry that’s why 6 got strange

I get almost all my gas at Sam’s and once a while someone would ask me if I can use my membership for them or I would over hear one ask someone else at a pump near me, but it wasn’t often

Since gas has gone way up now it’s almost every time, I saw one refuse to leave until someone did their membership for them saying “I waited like all of you” but that’s like waiting in line at a show you don’t got a ticket to and what just cause you waited you’re supposed to get a ticket too? Like this is ridiculous the lines are already long especially now, but now we got an increase of “I forgot my card” adding to the lines and waits

Have you noticed this or is it just my area?