u/Historical_Wolf2211

Kind of like, how many licks does it take to get to the center but make it dismissive avoidant. How many relationships that don’t work out will it take before a DA looks inward? I know the answer will differ person to person but it’s been on my mind so much lately. Do some avoidants NEVER make it to self awareness, to the actualization that maaaybe they are the problem, or at least a contributing factor? Do some really make it through their whole life believing it’s everyone else who is the problem?

When you’re deactivated, what do you need to feel ok again?

When you’re in a relationship, what makes you the happiest; is it your partner letting you control when you interact, how you interact, and the length of it?

*EDIT: just to clarify, mine was insinuating he does not feel emotions. Sadness is a “waste of time.” Not that he doesn‘t have feelings for me. I should have worded it differently I think.

Curious how many times you’ve heard this or a variant of it from your avoidant?

How absurd to even think you can convince someone you have no feelings; you’re human, right?

Unless they are so suppressed that they’re being honest, in which case, that is awfully sad.

Just wondering how bad I suck in this situation?

I graduated college recently and my mom got me a nice MK purse/backpack, which I know was expensive. I am extremely grateful and told her how nice and beautiful it was and thank you so much, etc. Only thing is, it’s absolutely not my style; not the pattern, color, and I don’t like backpack purses. Typically, I get her gifts and she usually asks if it’s ok to take it back and get something else. It doesn’t hurt my feelings, I admittedly have much different tastes than her, even though I still try to pick something out that are her tastes. I would rather her take it back and get what she wants; it fulfills my want to give her something on a special day instead of being empty handed, without just giving her money, it shows I made the effort and if she doesn’t like it, she gets to pick out what she wants. Totally fine with me.

Skip back to my gift. I was very appreciative of it. However, I know I will never wear it. And then I’ll be asked why I’m never wearing it.

I had asked my grandma how or if I should tell my mom and she said yes and I said I was uneasy about it. So she brought it up unprompted for me.

My mom sighs and starts saying “I don’t care, I don’t care. Go online and pick out whatever. It’s too late to return it. (Cousin) didn’t like her purse either, it’s whatever“ with so much disdain. I started fawning saying ”no no, I’ll wear it I didn’t mean anything by it, it’s fine”, but it was too late she kept repeating herself and I said how I didn’t mean to make her feel bad and she said she didn’t and I said well you obviously feel some type of way because you mentioned (cousin) not liking hers and she said I was probably right.

And now she’ll ignore me and hold this grudge against me. All because I did what she always does, ask to swap out a gift for something I will actually use.

I feel awful and guilty and ashamed I even spoke up, well, after my grandma spoke up for me. I’m not ungrateful and I’m sorry I made her feel that way.

How badly did I screw up, in your opinion?

I don’t know what to call this. Most would probably say domestic abuse but that makes me sick.

Haven’t fought in a long time. Came to visit as we’re long distance. Drank too much and some stuff he said really pissed me off. Said I was going to leave and he exploded out of nowhere.

Threw my stuff outside and screamed at me to leave. Started bumping me with his chest around his room as I tried to grab my things. Pushed me out of his room so I latched onto the doorframe to keep from being pushed out as I still had stuff to grab. Ended up pushing me down and threw more stuff outside while screaming that I’m a stupid bitch.

I couldn’t drive away because I was hysterical at that point, I couldn’t see in front of me because of how bad I was crying. He told me to just get inside. We didn’t talk much the rest of the day.

This has never happened before and I’m having trouble processing it all. I don’t know how it went from 0 to 100. I just don’t understand, I can’t comprehend this and I can’t tell anyone in my life that this happened.

After 3+ years, the discard is here and it hurts. Trying my best to accept it and I’m definitely not going to reach out but damn all I can think of is why does this have to happen? But I don’t think this is your typical discard, so I don’t know if I can label it as such.

He’s a DA and I’m an FA, leaning heavily anxious in this relationship, for context.

We were solid for the first 3 months and then he missed an important day of mine because he was hung over. I started realizing things that were special or important to me weren’t really cared about by him. I was also in a bad living situation so I was super stressed and asked for help emotionally. He eventually got tired of it and said he couldn’t be who I needed, pretty classic avoidant line. I was the one who apologized for being too much and said we should keep trying. This began a rollercoaster of push and pull for the years that followed.

We used to text a lot during the day and call multiple times. Eventually that has become one phone call a night where it feels like just something to check off his to do list and I’m keeping the conversation afloat.

I‘ve asked him to please let me in to his inner world. I told him it feels like there’s this invisible wall between us that I can’t make it past. He says he “doesn’t have feelings“ and doesn’t understand what I want from him.

Despite this, he still progressed the relationship, hitting certain milestones like moving in, etc.

Our arguments have gotten more and more intense and he blames me for all of them because I’m the only one who speaks up about my feelings. He thinks it ruins a relationship to bring up problems.

He started being extremely disrespectful to me during our talks and I turned a blind eye to it. They used to be respectful talks and then he would start mocking me, rolling his eyes, being super sarcastic, and eventually would laugh at me sometimes while I cried. I feel guilty because maybe if I hadn’t of brought up all the things that bothered me, we wouldn’t have had so many talks that drove him to resent me.

He eventually pushed me down while screaming at me. He blamed me.

And I was the one who begged to stay. My abandonment wound was ripped open and I didn’t know what else to do.

Everything changed and I don’t even recognize him or myself anymore.

It wasn’t always like this, there was so many good things that happened, that’s why we stay right? It’s not all bad or it would be easier to cut the cord. He got good at supporting me when I was stressed about something unrelated to him. He encouraged me with my classes and my job choices. He made me laugh so much. Told me we’d be together forever. Let me stay with him when I needed a place. Helped me financially. But my emotional needs made him feel like I was ungrateful. I didn’t mean to make him feel like that. When I asked for my needs, I wasn’t angry or demanding. I guess it was just too much.

We haven’t talked about it and it’s been a few days since it happened. I can’t believe it got this bad and this is how it ends. I’m still in shock, trying to process everything.

TLDR: Fight escalated to him pushing me and I don’t understand why it had to get physical. We haven’t talked since and this is probably how it ends, in a huge explosion of hatred.

Mainly looking for support, never posted here before.

It started with yelling at me during arguments with name calling, mocking, etc. That’s not how I fight in arguments but it escalated on his side each time. I tried breaking up but everytime we have the conversation, I feel awful and weak and end up asking if we can work on it.

Haven’t fought in a long time. Came to visit as we’re long distance. Drank too much and some stuff he said really pissed me off. Said I was going to leave and he exploded out of nowhere. Threw my stuff outside and screamed at me to leave. Started bumping me with his chest around his room as I tried to grab my things. Pushed me out of his room so I latched onto the doorframe to keep from being pushed out as I still had stuff to grab. Ended up pushing me down and threw more stuff outside while screaming that I’m a stupid bitch.

I couldn’t drive away because I was hysterical at that point, I couldn’t see in front of me because of how bad I was crying. He told me to just get inside. We didn’t talk much the rest of the day.

This has never happened before and I’m having trouble processing it all. I don’t know how it went from 0 to 100. I just don’t understand, I can’t comprehend this.

They obviously enjoy some aspects and perks of being in a relationship. Do they ever find what they’re looking for without going to therapy or healing? For example, can someone who is secure make them less avoidant? It seems that even the most securely attached person will get driven to anxious because of the avoidant’s behavior but maybe I’m wrong. And is another avoidant really the best match for them, where they can just keep each other at arm’s length?

It’s funny how anxious and avoidant always gravitate to each other despite being the worst pairing out of all the attachments.

I see some posts reflect on how little sex they had with their avoidant while others say the sex was plentiful and sometimes even a replacement for emotional depth.

My personal experience is that my avoidant loves sex and says that‘s how they “feel close and loved.” Do other avoidants share this sentiment or even that it replaces the emotional component? Is it a way to just get me to do it more?

Been dealing with some heavy cognitive dissonance, even after 10+ years removed from the situation. On one hand, I know I’m so much better off. On the other, what if I’m not? Maybe it’s not black and white but some kind of grey area.

He was abusive, physically, sexually, and emotionally. He threw me down because I found drugs in our closet and threatened to flush them. He’s screamed at the top of his lungs in my face. He called me a crazy, stupid bitch that no one will ever put up with. Told me I’m psychotic. Denied cheating when I was looking at proof. Cheated on me when my grandfather was dying and I was too sad to have sex. Talked to random girls behind my back every chance he got. Took his ring off to look single when he’d go to class. Told me he was studying at the library when he wasn’t.

But he also matched my niche humor perfectly. Looked at the world the same way I did. Had exactly the same interests in everything, shows, movies, music, places to go, things to do in our future. It was like he was the female version of me.

Now he’s “changed”, found God, and made all the dreams we had together come true for himself and the girl he’s with now. And she’s so happy. She’s got everything I ever wanted with none of the nightmare I endured. She gets all the good parts now.

I missed out on the change. I went through the mud and he came out clean. I’m left with the debris and he’s building a solid foundation.

Been dealing with some heavy cognitive dissonance, even after 10+ years removed from the situation. On one hand, I know I’m so much better off. On the other, what if I’m not? Maybe it’s not black and white but some kind of grey area.

He was abusive, physically, sexually, and emotionally. He threw me down because I found drugs in our closet and threatened to flush them. He’s screamed at the top of his lungs in my face. He called me a crazy, stupid bitch that no one will ever put up with. Told me I’m psychotic. Denied cheating when I was looking at proof. Cheated on me when my grandfather was dying and I was too sad to have sex. Talked to random girls behind my back every chance he got. Took his ring off to look single when he’d go to class. Told me he was studying at the library when he wasn’t.

But he also matched my niche humor perfectly. Looked at the world the same way I did. Had exactly the same interests in everything, shows, movies, music, places to go, things to do in our future. It was like he was the female version of me.

Now he’s “changed”, found God, and made all the dreams we had together come true for himself and the girl he’s with now. And she’s so happy. She’s got everything I ever wanted with none of the nightmare I endured. She gets all the good parts now.

I missed out on the change. I went through the mud and he came out clean. I’m left with the debris and he’s building a solid foundation.

I’ve struggled with grey rocking so much in my relationship with my mom, I just can’t do it. I am constantly looking if she’s maybe gonna give me a crumb of emotional support and I end up being vulnerable because I’m desperate and don’t have anyone to lean on in life. I get my heartbroken every time. I literally begged her to please help me feel better about a particular life situation, and she straight up said “no I can’t help you.” I said that really doesn’t feel good that I can never ask you for support and she said “we just have two different ways of thinking, I can’t help you.” I just wanted some empathy, a tiny little bit, but she literally cannot do it. After 30+ years all I want is for her to love me and support me like a mother should. It’ll never come and I fear I’ll forever be holding out hope she changes. What is wrong with me?

Pretty much the title. My abuser gets a glamorous life, doing all the things we talked about before it ended. He travels the world, makes a ton of money, getting recognized for his work, has fans, has everything he could ever want. So much of my self worth and mental health and just state of being was ruined because of him. It’s been years and I’m still struggling despite therapy and medication. Why am I still paying for his sins and he gets to live so freely?