u/Ijustdontknow-3565

since I am leaving the house soon. I would like to spend time with my parents.

BUT most of our conversations are awkward. leading me to leave the room asap.

it sometimes feels exhausting to talk to them and I feel drained right after. I either feel small, stupid, dumb or misunderstood.

Talking about how I feel about things always end up by : ignoring, minimizing, saying I am exaggerating or living in the past, or saying I am an egoist for cutting my two sisters off.

I am afraid of regretting not spending more time with them, they cared and helped me and I don't want to be ungrateful towards them.

but I sometimes can't help it. it feels like they keep a list of the wrong or clumsy things I've done in their heads, ready to shoot me with it anytime.

what should I do ? and how can I change my perception of it?

ich beginne bald meine Ausbildung und würde gerne von euren Erfahrungen als Azubis oder Pflegekräfte hören.

Welche Herausforderungen habt ihr erlebt?

Was hättet ihr gerne schon zu Beginn der Ausbildung gewusst?

Habt ihr Tipps oder Ratschläge für angehende Azubis?

Vielen Dank im Voraus für eure Antworten!!

I am starting soon my Ausbildung als Pflegefachkraft.

I would love to read your experiences as an Azubi in this domain.

Do you have any particular advice to share for future Azubis ?

Much appreciated!

I found myself in a situation (too long to explain) where a young lady had hit me on the head with no reason ( not aggressively but still)

I got enraged and couldn't stop "shouting" about why and how did she dare to hit me.

moments after I felt really happy for not shutting my mouth and for standing up for myself.

now I can't stop thinking about it and I feel weirded out and cringe for talking and speaking up for myself.

it's really hard for me to speak up when someone pushes my boundaries.

I thought it may come from my childhood where I was hit but I wasn't allowed to say a word or to do anything... or else I would be hit harder.

now I would love an advice or anything that could help me get out of this loop?

and how do I stand up for myself without second questioning my boundaries?

I found myself in a situation (too long to explain) where a young lady had hit me on the head with no reason ( not aggressively but still)

I got enraged and couldn't stop "shouting" about why and how did she dare to hit me.

moments after I felt really happy for not shutting my mouth and for standing up for myself.

now I can't stop thinking about it and I feel weirded out and cringe for talking and speaking up for myself.

I thought it may come from my childhood where I was hit but I wasn't allowed to say a word or to do anything... or else I would be hit harder.

- now I would love an advice or anything that could help me get out of this loop?

- and how do I stand up for myself without second questioning my boundaries?

so I stopped talking to both of my sisters few years ago.

THE FIRST has a doctorate degree in manipulation, using people and turning them against each other. she did a lot of things.

THE SECOND has too much grudge towards the whole family. I am the youngest so I pitied her for what has been done to her. then she used me for money and took a part of the money I saved for studies.

I cut them off, can't even stand looking at their faces.

now my father ( the one who did cut ALL his family members that did him wrong ) is guilt trapping me and telling me I am heading directly towards the edge with this mentality. like I am the one exaggerating and being a childish asshole. and anytime something bad happens, my parents bring up this. it feels like an emotional torture.

they don't know the whole story and they honestly don't care cuz family comes first and "we need stick together".

I am not saying that my sisters are bad and i don't hate them. I wish them the best but far away from me. very far. I am really comfortable and less stressed when I am not around them. going back to them means me getting used again cuz I am really dumb sometimes and I tend to forget easily. I don't trust them and don't trust myself around them.

what do you think? I'll really appreciate your comments cuz now I am conflicted

am I being an immature person that will end up being alone ?

or is it normal to want to keep peace of mind?

i just remembered something that happened to me 6 years ago. so I went to a store and the store owner tried to scold me for "not saying hi when I got inside the store"

mind you I was 18 and didn't say a single word. I just stood there like 😦.

so remembering this made me realize that I didn't stand up for myself and abandoned myself at that moment.

now I don't know how to stand up for myself, I keep on letting ppl step on me and disrespect me. I don't confront, I run.

I am afraid of saying something that might make the other person mad at me and aggressive towards me.

like I know deep inside that idk how to defend myself ( not even with words )

and in such situations where I am confronting a person that did me wrong, I find myself sweating and SHAKIIIIIIING (legs and hands)

AND THAT'S MESSING ME UP PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY !

I know I can change that, but how ?

how do I prove to myself that I am safe even in conflict with others and simply wanting to escape or starting to shake legs and hands type of failed zumba session ?

i just remembered something that happened to me 6 years ago. so I went to a store and the store owner tried to scold me for "not saying hi when I got inside the store"

mind you I was 18 and didn't say a single word. I just stood there like 😦.

so remembering this made me realize that I didn't stand up for myself and abandoned myself at that moment.

now I don't know how to stand up for myself, I keep on letting ppl step on me and disrespect me. I don't confront, I run.

I am afraid of saying something that might make the other person mad at me and aggressive towards me.

like I know deep inside that idk how to defend myself ( not even with words )

and in such situations where I am confronting a person that did me wrong, I find myself sweating and SHAKIIIIIIING (legs and hands)

AND THAT'S MESSING ME UP PERSONALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY !

I know I can change that, but how ?

is there anything you do or have done that helped you with the mood swings, anger and "EVERYBODY'S SO IRRITATING" during the luteal phase?

to me, that week before my period is worse than the period cramps. I hate myself and everybody, the way they talk, walk and stand... everything about me or people makes me so angry.

all the negative feelings gather up inside of me. and it's hard to be rational during it.

I am low-key starting to get scared whenever I know I am entering the HOLY LUTEAL PHASE. cuz I really don't know what to expect

is there something you tried that made you feel the difference?

I started to feel bitter and holding grudge towards my whole family. and I know I can't and shouldn't carry on that way.

it's safe to think that I hate them all.

Starting from the parents that minimize me and my decisions. idolizing some children instead of others. we're not treated equality, of course one is better knowing that it's the one that caused the most problems in the family.

my brothers are misogynistic idiots. but I must be super duper nice to them because of their money (since they have inherited everything cause they're the men and they carry the name of the family? and what do I fucking carry? my neighbors family name ?)

and bcz of the consequences I must face if I say anything that could be offensive to them.

my sisters managed to profit from me. ONE got me babysitting her child and taking care of her and the house while she was fucking her ex husband that cheated on her. knowing that I was studying at the same time.

plus she's a great manipulator ( I admire her wickedness sometimes, she manages to manipulate everybody, in order to get what she wants. admirable tbh)

THE OTHER managed to manipulate me into helping her but all she was doing was taking money from me, so that her husband "doesn't spend a lot". cool protecting her husbands from home's expenses. all that while I was studying and working at the same time, trying to save money to go abroad ( in case my father refuses to give me money in order prevent me from it)

I managed to cut both of my sisters off, and what I get from my parents was "you know that you're hurting us with deciding not to talk to your sisters"

well you should have raised them better than profiting and manipulating

( I do have two cats, which are like family members to me. I do not hate those two, don't worry.)

we have a huge problem of communication between us.

communication is awkward and cringe in this family. and if u do dare talk about how you FEEL. you'll be laughed at, called weak and childish.

So ... CAN ANYBODY HELP ME UNDERSTAND:

1- Why do I feel this amount of hate and grudge?

2- how do I get rid of it? because the more I hold on to those negative feelings, the more it consumes me

3- how do I gain myself back ? or how do i build my self up away from all that BS?

knowing that I still live with them at the moment and planning to get out in three months

thanks 😄

my parents do not care when I get sick and simply say "we're all sick". I don't mean that I want them to pamper me and to change "my diapers", i ain't a toddler.

true, I am not dying, it's just a flu

but isn't a little caring good ? and why don't I get any attention from them specifically, not even a look?

I don't want them to take care of my physically but can't they just take me seriously?

not a single word said not even a "did you get better"?

instead... I get my mom mad at me bcz her dirty dishes aren't getting cleaned by me. and both parents think I am exaggerating or faking. for fucks sake

if it was one of my other siblings, they would have started running to check on them and care for them.

am I being a fcking immature person for thinking/feeling that way ?

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY why do I feel this way? why don't I just accept that it just the way it is ?

my brothers have inherited everything ( the houses, the money, they even get admiration just bcz they're males)

"it's different HE'S A MAN."

while I inherit nothing knowing that I am single and have not a single plan of getting married.

it kills me each time I think about it. it feels like being less than a child just because of your genitals.

I am fed up. and there's nothing I can do about it. how do I get off this loop ?