u/Imaginary-Relief7667

I booked flights to go see my friend I haven’t seen in a couple of years earlier and I literally felt nothing. It then got me thinking… what would a normal response to this be anyway? Would someone be really excited? Or mildly excited? Or just look forward to it without excitement? I know this might seem like odd questions and thought processes, but this is what anhedonia has done to my mind and ways of perceiving the world. I genuinely don’t know what is normal anymore

I did it as a bit of an experiment and also a gift for my soul, since I figure it might be nice for the ‘higher’ version of myself if my human body can’t feel it 😂

What a weird experience. I had some mild tingles from a couple of the tools, but it didn’t feel particularly enjoyable - almost uncomfortable and weird at points. My mind was running all over the place throughout. I think she could sense something was off energetically - I don’t know why but I could feel that she was picking up on something being off with me.

I left with the physical sensations that I’d become relaxed, like feeling a bit ‘drunk’ almost and very sleepy. But I didn’t actually feel relaxed or like I’d experienced pleasure.

The ambient music in the room made me feel kinda empty and lost. I feel worse than when I went in!

All in all, a 3/10 experience. I’m glad I gave it a go, but I’ll wait until I’m healed to do that again!

Has anyone else tried something like this with anhedonia, or a massage?

This is just a bit of fun (I’m intrigued if there are any firm favorites across the community)! If I had to choose 3…

1. mangoes
2. nectarines
3. gold kiwis

Forever grateful for AW teaching me that gold kiwis exist… now I eat about 4 a day 🤤

Edit: mango seems to be the clear winner in this thread! 🥭

I’m doing daily HMDS and no fat MM, but the DPDR is getting even worse. I went to a live music gig the other day and couldn’t feel a thing, I felt so bored and the music was irritating me that I usually love. I’m so chronically bored that I keep sleeping as much as possible to pass time until the HMDS works…I have even prayed to be put into an induced sleep for a year or 2 with HMDS put into an IV!! For those who got worse first, how long did this initial worst bit take?

I have this friend who I think a lot of and used to consider close. Since we’ve been friends, she’s went through 3 periods of isolating, whether that’s completely (a few months of not hearing anything back from her to my couple of messages) and then longer periods of isolation where I hear occasional things by message but we don’t have any substantial contact (like phone calls).

I thought the first 1 or 2 times were one offs, as she was going through a lot, so I kept prioritising the friendship and we became close (she called me her best friend) for the last couple of years.

But during this third episode, I’m just tired of it. Not in a way against her - she’s an amazing person and I think a lot of her - but I just don’t think I’m well suited to keeping people close who do this, whereas others may not mind.

I’m thinking of ‘demoting’ the friendship in my head and keeping her as a less close friend, where I don’t really pour the same energy into the friendship. I’m starting to feel resentful and tired and I know this isn’t working for me.

Anyone else struggle with this?

I’m gonna try and keep this short.. my friend is going through a really difficult time with multiple stressors, including the loss of her auntie. I understood she needed space and more distance so we weren’t in touch as much..but I’d check in, offer calls and sent a card (we live a few hours away in different countries) .

We haven’t spoken on the phone for half a year. Up until these stressors, we were speaking a couple times a week, sometimes speaking for hours on the phone.

I started to get really triggered that we hadn’t had a call..she’d supported me so much when I struggled that I felt bad I couldn’t do the same as I really think a lot of her. I also felt this is weird for a close friendship and felt she didn’t see me as close (even though she calls me her closest friend), but didn’t tell her that. Just every offer of a call never resulted in anything.

I ended up snapping and now I feel so guilty. She’s struggling so much and I made it about me. I just can’t cope with inconsistency and sudden dramatic changes regardless of the reasons behind them. All I want is to find at least 1 connection where I feel emotionally safe with that person and her sudden dropping off, even if understandable, I just can’t deal with it in my close circle.

Does anyone else struggle with this? I want to be more understanding of different types of coping and attachment styles but it feels so painful for me that I can’t imagine being free of this even with lots of help.

Who else experienced this on this journey?

I realized a running theme through my relationships, that I haven’t felt seen or attuned to by my closest friends. It doesn’t feel like there’s space for my feelings or experience alongside theirs. I understand this comes from childhood and I’m grateful I have woken up to it, but it feels very destabilizing no longer having anyone close in my life, especially in mid 30s. Every relationship fell apart after I was (very carefully and respectfully!) honest with them about my feelings.

Despite feeling partly scared/nauseated/saddened/(insert difficult emotion here) by it all, something in me feels hopeful and more aligned than ever.

When I stick to MM properly, I notice that my capacity to get things done becomes really low. It’s not really that I don’t have the energy or can’t be bothered (although that’s sometimes a problem too), but more so that I feel like I can’t compute how to do things?

It’s very hard to explain! I logically know how to do them, but it’s like my brain has a harder job knowing how to get it done?

I need to do certain things today like deep clean the litter tray, wash my bedding and take a bin bag out, but somehow that feels more complicated than usual despite knowing how to do all that.

I also find I get more in a pickle with my food - like knowing all my bananas are too ripe now, so I need to do something with them, but it’s like my brain freezes and sees that as a huge blocker and complicated issue to deal with.

Anyone else experience this and found a way to manage it until their brain healed more?

I’m realizing the full weight of what having emotionally neglectful parents has done to my life. After doing a lot of healing, I’ve realized I’ve still been choosing the completely wrong friends and I feel like there are still so many layers to go before I actually start choosing the right ones.

My long distance closest friend has been going through an awful time - loss of home (she’s with family now), job and their auntie. I’ve been really worried about her and offered to support her in whichever way was best for her.

She completely withdrew. We were having 4 hour long phone calls once every 1-2 weeks before this. She called me her best friend, so I don’t think I was under any false illusion of what our friendship was.

We haven’t spoken on the phone once in 5 months. We’ve only had sporadic, surface level texts that go unanswered for 1-3 weeks. I haven’t been able to support her at all, when I really would have liked to, but I can’t force it.

At first, I was understanding. I completely understood she needed more space and thought our contact would reduce a bit. Now 5 months later, I still empathise with her and worry about her, and want her to do what’s best for her. But it just isn’t working for me.

I can’t do inconsistent relationships anymore. I just can’t. The lack of emotional safety and stability is just too much. The rollercoaster of going from 4 hour long chats to this. I feel like an acquaintance with how drastically she has withdrawn.

I know she’s really depressed and I really have been trying to empathise, but I feel like I’m completely suppressing my needs and feelings to make everything comfortable for her. I’m starting to feel angry and resentful, and I don’t want to feel like that towards her considering how much she’s struggling.

I’m in my 30s and last night, cried like a literal toddler in bed… deep sobs just feeling so so alone from having people like this in my life. I feel like a little child inside. How is it possible to move on from the effects of all this stuff?

Does anyone else feel this way?

All my life, I had a best friend, a group of friends and a busier social life. Long story short, I went through a huge breakdown and transformative time, and completely changed as a person. I realised pretty much every single relationship in my life either felt empty or if it didn’t, then it was built on rocky foundations regardless. I grew up with loving but emotionally neglectful/dysfunctional family, so I’ve never experienced proper emotional attunement and curiosity from anyone.

For the first time in my life, I am mostly alone. I have friends, but they’re either more like acquaintances or too distant at this point. Who I thought was my closest friend has completely withdrawn during a difficult time - we haven’t spoken properly in months and she never came to me for support. That’s her right and I respect it and worry about her, but I’m just… so tired.

I’m tired of people who withdraw. I’m tired of emotional distance, a lack of attunement, surface level conversations, emptiness…

I also don’t have any friends from pre-age 30 anymore, apart from 1 who I honestly only stay in contact with out of fear. We have nothing in common.

I apologised to an old friend the other day for a fall out during this transition phase, and even though they were nice with their reply and said sorry, I felt empty again. I sent them “I’m sorry for XYZ. I understand it probably made you feel XYZ”. I got back “I’m sorry if I did or said anything that made things harder for you.” I didn’t contact them for an apology, but the old feelings came up regardless. They weren’t curious enough to reflect… to actually dig in deeper to how they might’ve hurt me.

Even though I have people in my life, I feel completely alone. Like I’m untethered from this planet and could float away at any moment.

I don’t want to be popular and successful and yada yada. I want to feel at home… like the friends in my life are a place of warmth and safety, where it’s just as deep as it is playful and curious. I’ve been loved and cared about, but somehow that feels so empty. All I’ve ever wanted is to feel seen.

How has anyone gone about creating this in your early to mid 30s? It feels like a horrible time to be waking up to all this. Sometimes I feel like it would’ve been easier to keep my old life and spent the rest of my days feeling empty, but at least I wouldn’t be physically alone too.

I (an INFJ) have a friend who I consider close. She’s mentioned a couple of times how she sees me as her best friend.

She’s recently been going through an awful time - loss of home, job, family member etc. I’ve been really worried about her and offered my support in whichever way is best for her. We live a country apart and I’m recovering from illness and surgery, so we can’t see each other.

She said she needed some space to figure things out and I totally understood at first. However, it’s now been 4 months and I’m feeling really weird about it all.

I know everyone is different, but I can’t help but feel a bit hurt that she hasn’t sought any support from who she considers her best friend. We haven’t had a single phone call - only sporadic surface level texts as she says she doesn’t have the capacity for her phone right now. I haven’t been able to be there for her at all, which I would’ve loved to help cheer her up and support her.

She’s mentioned a couple of times about what she’s been doing, which included meeting her boyfriend’s friends and a weekend away with him for his work promotion. Don’t get me wrong - I’m happy she’s feeling well enough to do some fun things and wouldn’t want her just sat around doing nothing, but I can’t help but think - you have the capacity to meet your boyfriend’s friends, but not chat on the phone once with your best friend?

When I had a health crisis, I personally sought her out to have a laugh on the phone as it helped me through and is what I see as normal in a close friendship. Even if her way of handling things is also normal, I’m realizing it simply doesn’t work for me and I’m starting to feel resentful and bitter. I completely understand people’s need for space, but this feels excessive and unusual for me with a close friendship.

I feel awful that I feel this way and am making it about me when she’s been struggling so much. What would you do in this situation? I’ve stopped checking in by message with her now as quite frankly, I feel like a pest and it’s making me feel sad.

I’ve been questioning whether my expectations of friendship are unrealistic, as (I’m sure you’ll all understand) I expect close friendships to have a sense of emotional safety and vulnerability. I also want to respect her need for space and understand her, but if I’m honest, I just don’t understand. I sometimes feel like I’ll need to completely go against my personality to even keep friends around.

Hi, I know low libido is due to the adrenals for women, but is this also linked with loss of attraction? I don’t find anyone particularly attractive and even questioned my sexuality because of this. Sex also seems kinda comical to me now… I’ve been celibate for years now and don’t really care.

This is only a recent problem as of the last few years

For anyone that may doubt what your inner beliefs can do for you, then you might wanna read this.

I’m gonna use my career as the main example, but this has touched every single area of my life.

Up until about 3 years ago, I had really poor inner beliefs. I hated myself for years, thought I was weird and awkward compared to others, and fundamentally believed I was worth less than most other people.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I had so many issues relationally throughout my career. In my first job, I was left out compared to pretty much everyone else. One memory that sticks clear in my mind was when a woman walked around handing out invites individually to everyone but me. The shame I felt was deep and I went off to the toilet to cry without anyone (hopefully) noticing.

In every job, I was an outsider in one way or another, even if I did make friends at times (although nothing truly genuine or lasting). I had an old boss take me out to dinner on my birthday, only to tell me how socially awkward I was and tell me all these things that weren’t right with me. I had another boss tell me on my first day at work that someone else thought I seemed nice, but like an awkward person. These comments and experiences followed me around like a bad smell and further amplified the way I already felt about myself.

I also attracted a lot of bad experiences - sexual harassment, being stalked by an ex-boss after leaving a company, having an extremely emotionally unstable boss in another job, being made to do unethical things, unhealthy colleagues cheating on their partners in the office, being picked on etc.

Long story short, as soon as I woke up to a bunch of stuff and started doing inner work, an old colleague (one I actually clicked with) contacted me and shared a job role with me that I might like.

Since then, I’ve been in a job that’s a dream in comparison to what I used to be in. My team is lovely, I’m never involved in any politics (there’s hardly any anyway), I’m a well-liked and respected member of the team and no one has ever said anything rude about me like I’m awkward or weird. Work is the least stressful thing in my life by far - in fact, I enjoy it.

You could say that things changed because I appeared less awkward or weird due to working on myself, but I really don’t think that’s the reason. I still have quite a few awkward traits and mannerisms now. Yes I’m more confident and mature, but I still have a lot of similarities to how I was before that are noticeable.

I really think something energetic changed, because it was literally at the point I started working on myself, before I’d even made any progress. It’s almost like I jumped onto a different timeline and everything quickly shifted to match.

It’s the same with friends - all my birthday cards used to include jokes about me being drunk and a couple of lines at most. At the point I decided to work on myself (again, before I made any actual progress), many old friends started dropping off like flies and I started to meet people who perceive me completely differently. I’ve received cards with 2 sides worth of words showing what they recognise and admire within me, and kind comments about my personality that I never received before.

I used to believe I was the problem, and tried to change my external world to make things better. All I needed to do all along was change my inner beliefs, and my entire life has completely changed.

It almost feels mystical how this happened and really got me thinking that there’s so much more to life than what we perceive with our eyes.

I don’t mean this in a depressive way, just an observational way.

I remember I was much happier when I pictured people being in my life forever. I never used to think about how I probably wouldn’t know so-and-so in X years time - it just didn’t cross my mind. I’d always imagine them in my future.

After a huge life transformation and losing a whole bunch of relationships I never would’ve imagined losing in a million years, I’ve been left with some existential dread.

I know the idea is to embrace detachment and enjoy the experiences and lessons we receive from people in the present moment. At some points, I felt like I was much closer to embracing that way of thinking. But now, I seem to have stepped backwards quite a bit.

I find myself thinking… what’s the point in meeting new connections if I’ll probably only know them for 3/5/10 years? Isn’t it all just a bit… sad?

We live this life and then it’s all forgotten. If we reincarnate, it’s like that previous life never existed, even if it’s ‘locked’ away somewhere to retrieve from memory (which most people don’t access).

We’re all here together on this big planet, but somehow each of us is alone.

I don’t know… I just find the concept of life really bizarre. I never used to think about it really but now it’s at the forefront of my mind.

I know I’ll work through this eventually, but this part of the process isn’t fun…!

Anyone else?

To cut a long story short, I had a completely different life before a few years ago - much busier and full, but with many of the wrong things. I started to heal and let go of much of it.

I’ve been in a void for years now… largely alone and reflecting/healing, with a small amount of people in my life. No real social life or closeness.

I can’t see my future, and I don’t know if that’s because there isn’t one, or it’s so different to everything I’ve ever known, that I couldn’t possibly picture it.

Does anyone pick up on anything that might be coming for me? I’m mid-30s and female.

I’ve been fortunate to have some good friends in my life, but feel like I’ve never really found my people. Most of my friendships have been built on a foundation of trauma. I’ve done a lot of inner work that I feel was blocking me in terms of meeting the right people before, but unfortunately I’m now in my mid-30s which makes things harder. I’m the most alone I’ve ever been, but it’s much more peaceful.

I don’t want to believe in the narrative that we’re meant to be more alone in this lifetime. My soul craves deep connections.

Has anyone else found this on their healing path? I fell out with a couple of friends a few years ago at the start of this journey - one reacted with passiveness and distance, whilst the other kicked off and started calling me a bunch of names. Both situations hurt, but I was far more devastated by the first friend, even though this friend was actually being quite nice with their replies.

The thing was, it felt like they just didn’t care. There was no real effort or curiousness to understand why I felt hurt. They were giving me generic apologies like ‘I’m sorry if there’s anything I’ve done to upset you’. I saw this person as one of my closest friends, and I believe they saw me that way too, but it felt like there was no real passion or drive there to want to fix things. It’s like they accepted our friendship was over after one disagreement but in what seemed like a really nonchalant kind of way.

Over the past few years, I did a lot of reflection and ended up sending an apology to this friend recently. I highlighted the things I felt I did wrong and wished them the best in life. They came back with a really nice response, but again, there was this ‘I’m sorry for anything I did or said that may have made things worse for you’ and it made me realise they probably hadn’t reflected or understood their part much, if at all.

I’m at a place in my life now where I could read this and accept it, as I don’t need a real apology from them and was glad I’d told them what I wanted to say. But more so, it made me feel a bit sad that these are the kinds of friends I used to go for and be attracted to. I’m not upset for my current self - if anything, it validated my choice to move on - but more so the old me, who used to feel so lonely even with people around me.

Not bad people… really nice even… but just so… passive? I don’t even know what word to use to describe it. It’s still a general vibe that triggers me more than anything else, so I know it’s related to my childhood. It’s a very ambiguous, insidious vibe where you can’t quite pinpoint what’s wrong when you’re in it. Almost like you’re not talking to a real person? (No disrespect meant but that’s how it feels in the moment)

My jaw is visibly wonky since childhood and it pops and cracks when I open my mouth. This is especially bad when I wake up. It’s not painful though (although sometimes achey) so not sure if this is TMJ.

I know MM can help with TMJ, but can it also help with the alignment of my jaw? I want to avoid surgery

Hey, I hope this is allowed but I just created a private Facebook group for those who are healing depersonalization (and those who’ve healed it also if you want to offer inspiration!).

I’m still healing myself, but wanted to create a safe space where we can support each other and share what we’re learning from this illness.

I find it the hardest symptom to deal with personally and can imagine others do too, so felt a dedicated space would help ❤️

I don’t think I can share the link directly, so feel free to DM and I’ll share. Or search medical medium depersonalization on Facebook

I’m in my early 30s and reflecting a lot on my life. I grew up in an emotionally neglectful family (albeit loving), picked up a lot of negative traits and never truly knew myself. Consequently, even though I made some good friends over the years, all of my friendships were built on a lack of a foundation and anyone healthier understandably distanced themselves.

I’ve been healing over the past few years and expectedly had to let the majority of my friends go, as they were similar to how I was and didn’t appreciate the path I was taking. I feel like I’m in a place where I can finally be a better, kinder and healthier friend, and fortunately I’ve met one closer friend since where that’s really been evident both ways. But no matter what happens from now, that doesn’t change the reality of my past.

I’ll never be like many other people who have close childhood or college friends. Even if I was to meet my absolute soul friends tomorrow, then I’ve still failed at a fundamental part of life.

I’m finding it really difficult to get out of this spiral and wondered if anyone else has felt similarly to this. Thank you ❤️