u/Ionized_Idiot

So, i've been feeling a bit shitty for a while now. And i know its childish to cut over something so small, but pile my mood, my self induced isolation, a want to be as far away from civilatisation as possible and close at the same time, and a bunch of other factors that have my head going haywire over everything, and im sure to do something stupid like this.

I should be asleep right now. Its 4 am for me but i cant sleep. I used to hug a pillow and play with my own hair to try to trick my brain into thinking i was sleeping with someone in my bed. But its not working anymore.

I dont want to seem like a pick me but can you just like comment something to know im not alone this night.

Inconveniently, i have started to question my sexuality as i feel very lost with myself on that side of things. Well, im not sure how the rest of my family would react but i know my brother is deeply homophobic.

He has told me to my face that hes homophobic and he wouldnt be able to talk to a family member if they came out (not related to me he just said an example,) and if i do realise im bisexual or something i would never be able to come out as a bisexual.

Some stupid teens ramblings, im sorry.

I wanna have a happy story too.

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Everywhere i look i see my closest friends find some people who love them deeply. Im very happy for them, of course i am, but when is it my turn? When do i feel like a human being? When do i feel something.

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I feel there are too many things that are wrong or unatractive with me. I isolate myself, i cut off my friends but hey i had a reason, they were assholes. Im allways insecure about myself and i feel like im way too boring for anyone to genuinely love me. I have had maybe 2 girls in another country who both liked me, but like they have talked to me 2 times and other times just stared. When the did talk, it was like one word and what im trying to say is, they like the guy who i LOOK like. Not the guy who i AM.

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And i dont blame anyone for not liking me for who i am. Im way too whiny and clingy and complaining "oh im so tired today!" Even though i caused it on myself. Im running off a prayer and Daily self deprecating thoughts but fucking barely at this point.

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Long story short, i wanna feel like im not alone. Like i have meaning, like i could be loved despite my negatives. But no matter where i look, where ive tried to set things up, tried to wait, anything. Nothing has worked. I dont see an age over 18 for myself.

Everywhere i look i see my closest friends find some people who love them deeply. Im very happy for them, of course i am, but when is it my turn? When do i feel like a human being? When do i feel something?

​

I feel there are too many things that are wrong or unatractive with me. I isolate myself, i cut off my friends but hey i had a reason, they were assholes. Im allways insecure about myself and i feel like im way too boring for anyone to genuinely love me. I have had maybe 2 girls in another country who both liked me, but like they haf talked to be 2 times and other times just stared. When the did talk, it was like one word and what im trying to say is, they like the guy who i LOOK like. Not the guy who i AM.

​

And i dont blame anyone for not liking me for who i am. Im way too whiny and clingy and complaining "oh im so tired today!" Even though i caused it on myself. Im running off a prayer and Daily suicidal thoughts but fucking barely at this point.

​

Long story short, i wanna feel like im not alone. Like i have meaning, like i could be loved despite my negatives. But no matter where i look, where ive tried to set things up, tried to wait, anything. Nothing has worked. I dont see an age over 18 for myself.

Everywhere i look i see my closest friends find some people who love them deeply. Im very happy for them, of course i am, but when is it my turn? When do i feel like a human being? When do i feel something?

​

I feel there are too many things that are wrong or unatractive with me. I isolate myself, i cut off my friends but hey i had a reason, they were assholes. Im allways insecure about myself and i feel like im way too boring for anyone to genuinely love me. I have had maybe 2 girls in another country who both liked me, but like they haf talked to be 2 times and other times just stared. When the did talk, it was like one word and what im trying to say is, they like the guy who i LOOK like. Not the guy who i AM.

​

And i dont blame anyone for not liking me for who i am. Im way too whiny and clingy and complaining "oh im so tired today!" Even though i caused it on myself. Im running off a prayer and Daily suicidal thoughts but fucking barely at this point.

​

Long story short, i wanna feel like im not alone. Like i have meaning, like i could be loved despite my negatives. But no matter where i look, where ive tried to set things up, tried to wait, anything. Nothing has worked. I dont see an age over 18 for myself.

This post is more about the clothes side.

I feel like the term "Grunge" has been warped by the corporate mindset. In my oppinion, grunge style is generally something you probably buy used, use untill it falls appart, cut your losses and buy something new used. Very short version of my mindset about it.

If you're looking around the net and see for example a pair of pre torn and very pre worn jeans, its not grunge simply by the advertising. And social media isnt helping. Its like "check out this cool effortless grunge outift that i made" that took 45 minutes of carefull layering and a ring light to get right. Id like to think grunge is the opposite, a lack of care for what youre wearing. Wearing whatever the FUCK feels comfortable and wearing it out.

Grunge is very close to punk in a way. More about rejecting mainstream styles and wearing whatever you feel like wearing. Corporations are getting easy money for slapping a lable with "Grunge" on it and it instantly gets millions of buys just because the name has grunge in it. "Oh, if this big company tells me its grunge it must be a part of the heart of the genre!" Bullshit.

I say wear whatever the fuck you want and remember, the pinterest posts about "grunge outfits" arent 100% grunge because its going with the flow of stereotypes and mainstream in a way. What grunge actively tried fighting against.

Idk i might be wrong but its my oppinion on the subject

For a year now ive felt depressed. Ive cut myself many times, did it yesterday too. My school grades are failing minerably, my parents are dissapointed in me, my life is slowly going to shit and no matter what i try i cant stop it from going to shit. I feel so alone, like no one understands what i feel. I have no one to really tell this to but im suicidal. Started as something small but now its on my mind nearly everyday. The fact that life could be so much more without me, and that my parents would worry less about a fucking failiure who killed himself because he felt a little bad. And i know this post will only get like 3 views, every single one of my posts anywhere else have been ignored it seems.

Edit: I have said too much. Im sorry for bothering the server.