u/No-Heat-6149

It was troublesome, but i did it.

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I must thank Fucknut and Cumshot for helping me along this path, two ghouls that i did not see as soldiers, but as brothers.

I just feel sad. Nothing bad happened recently but i just feel sad for no reason. I always eat, but i don't gain any Weight or feel full. My body keeps growing hair but i am always too tired to shave. It will grow back anyway. I will get laser surgery once i get enough money and come out to my mom. I just feel sad despite nothing really bad happening in my life. Am i ungrateful?

People straight up don't like me. Bold claim i know. Sure there are few people who like me, people who love me, but i don't think i deserve them. Because other than those people everyone i know just straight up doesn't enjoy being around me. Whenever i approach one of my friend groups, they straight up tell me to fuck off. Without any shame at all. Without even hiding the fact that they don't want specifically me. Even with my family, only time people interact with me is when they need something.

The boy i like, who turned out to be straight, i talked about it before so i won't get into details, rarely fucking answers my texts. Whenever i go up to my friends who aren't very very close to me, they straight up tell me to go away. I once asked this friend of mine from school for his number, we are friends of 4 fucking years and this fucking asshole straight up told me he didn't want to interact with me after we graduate.

Whenever i get confused, whenever i make a small mistake, whenever i act dumb, i always get fucked over by these people. One time i mixed up the names of the girlfriends of my friends, and one of them straight up told me to go away and not come back for the rest of the day.

I once said Herro instead of Hello and this bitch i called a friend for 2 years called me a fucking idiot. One time i opened up to this girl i liked two years ago, we were very close friends for 3 years, instead of gently refusing me, She buried me Into dirt with her words. Then She falsely accused me of sexually harassing her, which caused every other girl in my school to see me as a pervert and refuse to interact me for years.

Everytime i get vulnerable around people, they break me. But i can't help but be vulnerable. It's in my Nature. Maybe if i wasn't told to stop crying or else i was going to be given an actual reason to cry when i was 5, i would not be an absolute fucking snowflake.

I can't be with people because they hurt me, but i can't be alone because i will hurt myself.

It's always the subtle things. Whenever there is something in my family where nobody wants to do it. For example, idk taking out the trash or buying groceries. If nobody wants to do it, it is always me who does it. Because i am the youngest of the family and they fucking know i am too scared to refuse. Because when i was a kid, when i refused, they would beat me. So today, i am scared to refuse as a muscle memory.

And they fucking know that shit. Whenever they "ask" me to do something and i refuse they just look at me and repeat it louder, i get triggered and accept and cry while i do it.

It is never my brothers or my mom who does the thing. If something needs to be done, if my mom doesn't wanna do it, if my brothers don't wanna do it, i am forced to do it. And You will probably guess, they Never want to do it. So it's always me who cleans the cat's litter. It's always me who prepares and cleans up the table before and after a meal. It's always me who does the cross chores. It's always me who does the chores that require social interaction with strangers.

These people use me, very openly, and don't think i realize it because then they come and itty bitty me, Kiss Me, hug me, tell me about how much they love me. But their love is conditional to me not refusing to buy fucking bread or something.