u/Professional-Tea7358

Update #2: I paid for my passport & now they need someone to confirm my identity. I reached out to a close friend and haven’t heard back from her, all day. If she refuses, then I won’t have anyone else. What should I do, in case she refuses?
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Update: 1. Yes, my father was born in 1955; 2. My parents were married when I was born in 1996. They were married from January 1994 until October 2010. 3. I have my dad’s Bermuda birth certificate (plus, 2 additional copies).

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Original Post:

I’m 29 years old & an American citizen (I was born & raised in the US). My mother is American & my dad, who died in 2010, was from Bermuda.

However, in January 2026, I learned my paternal great-great grandfather was from Somerset, England (and my family doesn’t know—I’m the first one in the family to discover this). My great-great grandfather was a Royal Navy officer, born in 1873; he died in 1938.

I’ve tried to apply for Bermudian citizenship first (under a BOTC & Article 18 of Bermuda’s constitution), but the immigration attorney I spoke to said he charges $625 an hour, and a flat rate of $900 for a one-time consultation. That was a few years ago, and haven’t thought about my citizenship until now.

So—I then thought about British citizenship in the UK, instead. Should I apply for a BOTC for Bermuda first, and then the UK afterward? (If I do that, I’l need a 30 times cheaper Bermudian attorney) Or should I just directly apply for UK citizenship without going the Bermuda route? Either way, I’d like to aim for either triple status or dual citizenship.

(Written on June 30, 2026)

Disclaimer: I took 2 autosomal DNA tests with AncestryDNA and 23&Me in 2019 and 2024; my mom took those same 2 autosomal tests in July 2021 & May 2024. (I’m also considering taking an mtDNA test, myself—but, only if and after I’m able to take a Y-DNA test).

I am a male-line descendant of my paternal great-great grandfather (1873-1938), from an illegitimate line (or, as the English say, “born on the wrong side of the bed”).

Historians, even in 2026, believe my great-great grandfather left no/zero descendants, but they are not aware (because this is a family secret that I publicized for the first time, while conducting my genealogical research & finding his true identity in January 2026), that he has no legitimate descendants (from his wife, whom he married in 1915, and they had no children together; even in his probate record, he left his possessions to his wife—who died in 1968—and to his second cousin, who was 20 years older than he).

My great-great grandfather has dozens of legitimate descendants of both genders; but, if we’re talking male-line descendants, in an unbroken line, I am the only one researching our family history.

My dad’s family is not interested (at least, I’m the only male-line descendant of my g-g-gf’s living in my home country, since I also have a half-brother, 20 years older than me, and I don’t know if he has children—he lives overseas; we’ve never met; and he ignored my message when I reached out to him, a few years ago). My paternal stepgrandmother (who a historian notified of my existence for the first time in June 2024), even said that she refuses to help me with my genealogical research (and she said this to the historian, most likely since I’m overseas and she’s 90 years old).

However, my great-great grandfather did leave 3 illegitimate children, who were his only descendants and offspring (that is my line). Researchers tell me all the time, “He (my g-g-gf) had no children!”, but…. I’m proof that he did….. His eldest illegitimate son was my great-grandfather, bore to him when he was 19 years old…. Hello? The lights are on, but no one’s home!

Here‘s the line of descent, starting with me:

1. Myself (I can’t say what I want to say right here, but it’s obvious by reading this post)
2. My father (Deceased, 1955-2010)
3. My paternal grandfather, also deceased (1927-2013).

Note: My paternal grandmother (who was also a single mother, and my father inherited her surname—I see this runs in my family) also died in 2009. It still breaks my heart to see my dad‘s comment on my paternal grandmother’s obituary (since he obviously didn’t know he would die 18 months after writing that comment on her obituary). My father was also born an illegitimate child to unmarried parents, just like my great-grandfather (Person #4) was.

4. My paternal great-grandfather (1892-1957).

Note: Because his stepgrandfather (my g-gp’s stepgrandpa) had a different surname & his maternal grandmother (1854-1916) was married to the stepgrandpa—who was his maternal grandma’s 2nd husband & she was married 4 different times—when my great-grandfather was born, my great-great grandmother (or her mother) decided to give him her stepfather’s surname, which is obviously different from hers. I’m descended from my 3x great-grandma’s 1st husband; my g-grandpa’s surname was from my 3x g-gm’s 2nd husband.

Long story short—technically, #4’s surname should be the surname of #5, who’s his father, but…. Due to misogyny & #5 and #4 not being married, I apparently am not a male-line descendant? is that true? Give me some clarity, please. No wonder misogynistic men make me angry….. I see now, that misogyny created generational abandonment issues in my family line.

5. My paternal great-great grandfather (1873-1938). He is who this question is about, plus it’s also about his 3 illegitimate sons—him being an absentee father in 1892 might ruin my chances of taking a Y-DNA test…..

(End of line of descent)

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There’s only one problem with Person #5 and Person #4—My great-great grandparents (one of whom is #5) never married & my great-great grandmother on that side of the family was a single mother, left to raise their 3 children (one of whom is #4, my g-grandfather), from 1900, until my g-g-gm’s death in 1930.

Her ex-boyfriend (Person #5) emigrated back to his home country (and hid his real name permanently in government records, since he was try to avoid people looking into his ancestors, which is why on baptismal records for my great-grandfather & his siblings, only half his name is displayed, since he used that as his alias—and that was the 1890s!). He has a hyphenated, double surname. I was able to find his real name, by accident—thank you, to a certain country with legendary naming systems!

Here‘s the loophole with him returning to his home country: Because my great-great grandfather was a naval officer, he was stationed in my g-g-gm’s home country, dozens of times between 1900 and his retirement in 1923 (he retired from the Navy in my g-g-gm’s native country!). He was still forced to be stationed there, despite taking boat trips back and forth for 20+ years—even after my great-great grandparents broke up around 1900! Karma always comes back around!

Specifically because of my g-g-grandparents not being married (they dated for 10 years and had 3 children together) & my g-g-gp’s children using her maiden name as their last name, I’ve been told that I am not a male-line descendant and am a male-line descendant of my g-g-gm’s father.

So, someone please help me by confirming or denying if this is true or false: Am I am a male-line descendant of Person #5 (my great-great grandfather), despite the surname change? Or am I a male-line descendant of Person #4 (my great-grandfather), specifically because #4 was the illegitimate son of #5 and was forced to use his mother’s maiden name as his last name?

Part 1 is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackGenealogy/comments/1ugyk7f/finding_the_parents_of_my_enslaved_ancestors_from/

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Update:
So, I posted awhile ago about 2 of my enslaved ancestors (Cato, born in 1750 & his girlfriend Diana, born in 1752), a couple, both born in Prince George’s County, Maryland, British Colonial America (they were brought to Bermuda between 1768 and 1775), who were brought to Sandys Parish, Bermuda between the late 1760s & mid-1770s.

Well, I recently figured out the man who transported them (and who became their second enslaver).

Their first enslaver in Prince George‘s County/PGC, Maryland (from 1750/1752 to 1760), then Frederick County, MD (from 1760 to 1768) and later in Amwell, Pennsylvania (from 1768 until they were brought to Bermuda in the 1770s) was Jeremiah Virgin (born in 1724, PGC, Maryland - died in 1791, Maysville, Mason County, Kentucky).

However, their second enslaver was, also from Sandys Parish, Bermuda: Richard Fowle (1752-1783 - enslaved them until he died in 1783), and his older brother, John Fowle, Sr. (1749-1799 - enslaved them from 1783 until his 1799 death).

Also—Cato & Diana both died between 1788 and 1799.

The most recent records I found were, Richard Fowle’s 1783 probate record & estate division, and Cato’s (under his enslaver, John Fowle, Sr., of course) later 1788 taxation record, from Sandys Parish.

After John’s 1799 death, my ancestors, their daughter (Hanna Virgin, 1775-1856) and their maternal grandson (Richard Bean, 1800-1892, also my ancestor) were—from 1799 until 1830–enslaved by John Fowle, Sr.’s wife, Elizabeth Fowle (née Tucker, 1755-1830), until Elizabeth’s 1830 death.

After Elizabeth’s death, Cato (either aged 80 or deceased), Diana (either aged 78 or deceased), Hanna (aged 55) & Richard (aged 30) were all passed down to & enslaved by 2 of John Fowle’s sons, Capt. William Fowle & John Fowle, Jr.

The issue I’m having now is, I can’t seem to find either a bill of sale from Jeremiah Virgin, in Pennsylvania or Virginia; and, I also haven’t found a Bermudian bill of sale, from the Fowle brothers, either.

I also looked in FamilySearch’s Kentucky probate records section, and Kentucky‘s will section, for both wills and probates from Jeremiah Virgin, and nothing resulted.

I’d say, that discovery of Jeremiah means, either one of two things is true: 1. He died intestate in 1791; or: 2. He has both a will & a probate record, that FamilySearch has not added to their record collections, yet.

However, since my ultimate research goal is finding Cato & Diana’s parents (who were also possibly from Western Maryland), I don’t know where else to research now. What else can I do, to find their parents (whether their parents were enslaved, free or their enslaver)? I’ve only found half the story, as of late.

Part 1 is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/BlackGenealogy/comments/1ugyk7f/finding_the_parents_of_my_enslaved_ancestors_from/

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Update:
So, I posted awhile ago about 2 of my enslaved ancestors (Cato, born in 1750 & his girlfriend Diana, born in 1752), a couple, both born in Prince George’s County, Maryland, British Colonial America (they were brought to Bermuda between 1768 and 1775), who were brought to Sandys Parish, Bermuda between the late 1760s & mid-1770s.

Well, I recently figured out the man who transported them (and who became their second enslaver).

Their first enslaver in Prince George‘s County/PGC, Maryland (from 1750/1752 to 1760), then Frederick County, MD (from 1760 to 1768) and later in Amwell, Pennsylvania (from 1768 until they were brought to Bermuda in the 1770s) was Jeremiah Virgin (born in 1724, PGC, Maryland - died in 1791, Maysville, Mason County, Kentucky).

However, their second enslaver was, also from Sandys Parish, Bermuda: Richard Fowle (1752-1783 - enslaved them until he died in 1783), and his older brother, John Fowle, Sr. (1749-1799 - enslaved them from 1783 until his 1799 death).

Also—Cato & Diana both died between 1788 and 1799.

The most recent records I found were, Richard Fowle’s 1783 probate record & estate division, and Cato’s (under his enslaver, John Fowle, Sr., of course) later 1788 taxation record, from Sandys Parish.

After John’s 1799 death, my ancestors, their daughter (Hanna Virgin, 1775-1856) and their maternal grandson (Richard Bean, 1800-1892, also my ancestor) were—from 1799 until 1830–enslaved by John Fowle, Sr.’s wife, Elizabeth Fowle (née Tucker, 1755-1830), until Elizabeth’s 1830 death.

After Elizabeth’s death, Cato (either aged 80 or deceased), Diana (either aged 78 or deceased), Hanna (aged 55) & Richard (aged 30) were all passed down to & enslaved by 2 of John Fowle’s sons, Capt. William Fowle & John Fowle, Jr.

The issue I’m having now is, I can’t seem to find either a bill of sale from Jeremiah Virgin, in Pennsylvania or Virginia; and, I also haven’t found a Bermudian bill of sale, from the Fowle brothers, either.

I also looked in FamilySearch’s Kentucky probate records section, and Kentucky‘s will section, for both wills and probates from Jeremiah Virgin, and nothing resulted.

I’d say, that discovery of Jeremiah means, either one of two things is true: 1. He died intestate in 1791; or: 2. He has both a will & a probate record, that FamilySearch has not added to their record collections, yet.

However, since my ultimate research goal is finding Cato & Diana’s parents (who were also possibly from Western Maryland), I don’t know where else to research now. What else can I do, to find their parents (whether their parents were enslaved, free or their enslaver)? I’ve only found half the story, as of late.

Update: I’m getting one step closer to solving my brick wall! The enslaver & trader who brought Cato & Diana to Bermuda from Amwell, Pennsylvania was actually 2 brothers—John Fowle, Sr. (1749-1799) & Richard Fowle (1752-1783). So, after Richard died, John enslaved them from 1783 until 1799; then, John’s wife, Elizabeth Tucker (later Fowle), enslaved them from 1799 until her death in 1830; between 1830 until British emancipation in 1834, the 4 of them were split up: Cato & Diana had most likely died by 1834, so Hanna was then enslaved by Elizabeth‘s son, Capt William Fowle; and Richard Bean (Hanna’s son & Cato and Diana’s grandson), was then enslaved by Elizabeth’s other son, John Fowle, Jr.

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Original Post:
I’m trying to figure out the parents (whether enslaved or enslaver) of my 2 enslaved ancestors, both born in Prince George’s County, Maryland, later moving to Pennsylvania & being sold in either Washington County, PA or Virginia, to a Sandys Parish, Bermuda-based enslaver/slave trader.

1. My Ancestors’ Names: 1. Cato (born in 1750 in Prince George’s County, Maryland); and: 2. Cato‘s girlfriend, Diana (born in 1752).
2. Their enslaver: Jeremiah Virgin (born in 1724, Prince George’s County, MD - died in 1791, Maysville, Mason County, Kentucky).
3. Where did Jeremiah live, between 1750-1773?: 1. Prince George’s County, MD, near the Patunxent River (from 1744 until 1760). 2. He moved to Frederick County, Maryland, living there between 1760 to 1768. He moved from MD to Amwell Township, PA in 1768 - living there until 1785 - but, Cato & Diana were sold in or before 1773 by Jeremiah (while living in Amwell, Washington County, PA), to a Sandys Parish, Bermuda-based enslaver & slave trader.
4. Do bills of sale survive for Jeremiah, to said slave trader/enslaver, for Cato & Diana?: I don’t know. I‘m still researching that.
5. Cato & Diana were already sold & living in Sandys Parish, Bermuda in 1774 and 1775 - their daughter, Hanna Virgin, was born in Sandys in 1775. She died in June 1856 and was buried in a parish church in Sandys.
6. Who could be the enslaver/trader who purchased Cato & Diana from Jeremiah Virgin?: In the 1770s, there were 6 Sandys families who were enslavers & traders, at that time & their ships frequented Virginia, New York, and other Caribbean countries. 1. The family of Ephraim Gilbert (1695-1760) & his son, Joseph Gilbert (1738-1812/1814); 2. The family of Colonel, Henry Tucker (1713-1787) (who could be the one, since his relatives immigrated to Virginia and he owned second properties in Virginia, aside from his property in Bermuda); 3. The family of John Fowle (1749-1799) & Richard Fowle (1752 - died after October 1784); 4. The family of Daniel Hinson (born before 1660 - died in 1707/1709) & his relative, John Hinson (1680 - died after 1745); 5. The family of Robert Hunt (1740-1814); and: 6. The family of Thomas Morgan (born in Bermuda, 1725 - died in Virginia, 1796).
7. Is there a baptismal record for Hanna Virgin (1775-1856)?: I don’t know. I’m still researching that.
8. The only possible enslavers/traders who could’ve bought Cato & Diana, between 1769 & 1774: Only Col. Henry Tucker (1713–1787), Robert Hunt (1740–1814), Joseph Gilbert (1738–1812), John Fowle (1749–1799), Thomas Morgan (1725-1796), and Richard Fowle (1752–1784) were alive, operating deep-water shipping vessels, and actively issuing financial/human property bonds.
9. Part 1, the deceased (not traders/enslavers when Cato & Diana were alive):

• Daniel Hinson (d. 1707): Died over 60 years before this window opened.
• Ephraim Gilbert (1695–1760): Died roughly nine years before Cato and Diana were sold out of the Chesapeake. He could not execute or co-sign a 1769–1774 bond.
• Part 2, the Inactive / Dead-Ends (Highly Unlikely): John Hinson (c. 1680–after 1745): Though alive during the mid-1700s, his active merchant records fade long before 1769. There is no evidence connecting his later estate directly to these specific individuals.

 

So, now that I’ve explained everything I currently know about Cato and Diana, my goal is to find their parents (whether their parents were enslaved or the enslaver). Where can I go from here?

I’m trying to figure out the parents (whether enslaved or enslaver) of my 2 enslaved black American ancestors, who later settled in Sandys Parish, Bermuda after leaving Prince George’s County, Maryland & being sold in either Washington County, PA or Virginia, to a Bermudian enslaver/slave trader.

1. Ancestors’ Names: 1. Cato (born in 1750 in Prince George’s County, Maryland); and: 2. Cato‘s girlfriend, Diana (born in 1752).
2. Their enslaver: Jeremiah Virgin (born in 1724, Prince George’s County, MD - died in 1791, Maysville, Mason County, Kentucky).
3. Where did Jeremiah live, between 1750-1773?: 1. Prince George’s County, MD, near the Patunxent River (from 1744 until 1760). 2. Moved to Frederick County, Maryland, living there between 1760 to 1768. He moved from MD to Amwell Township, PA in 1768 - living there until 1785 - but, Cato & Diana were sold in or before 1773 by Jeremiah (while living in Amwell, Washington County, PA), to a Sandys Parish, Bermuda-based enslaver & slave trader.
4. Do bills of sale survive for Jeremiah, to said slave trader/enslaver, for Cato & Diana?: I don’t know. I‘m still researching that.
5. Cato & Diana were already sold & living in Sandys Parish, Bermuda in 1774 and 1775 - their daughter, Hanna Virgin, was born in Sandys in 1775. She died in June 1856 and was buried in a parish church in Sandys.
6. Who could be the enslaver/trader who purchased Cato & Diana from Jeremiah Virgin?: In the 1770s, there were 6 Sandys families who were enslavers & traders, at that time & their ships frequented Virginia, New York, and other Caribbean countries. 1. The family of Ephraim Gilbert (1695-1760) & his son, Joseph Gilbert (1738-1812/1814); 2. The family of Colonel, Henry Tucker (1713-1787) (who could be the one, since his relatives immigrated to Virginia and he owned second properties in Virginia, aside from his property in Bermuda); 3. The family of John Fowle (1749-1799) & Richard Fowle (1752 - died after October 1784); 4. The family of Daniel Hinson (born before 1660 - died in 1707/1709) & his relative, John Hinson (1680 - died after 1745); 5. The family of Robert Hunt (1740-1814); and: 6. The family of Thomas Morgan (born in Bermuda, 1725 - died in Virginia, 1796).
7. Is there a baptismal record for Hanna Virgin (1775-1856)?: I don’t know. I’m still researching that.
8. The only possible enslavers/traders who could’ve bought Cato & Diana, between 1769 & 1774: Only Col. Henry Tucker (1713–1787), Robert Hunt (1740–1814), Joseph Gilbert (1738–1812), John Fowle (1749–1799), Thomas Morgan (1725-1796), and Richard Fowle (1752–1784) were alive, operating deep-water shipping vessels, and actively issuing financial/human property bonds.
9. Part 1, the deceased (not traders/enslavers when Cato & Diana were alive):

• Daniel Hinson (d. 1707): Died over 60 years before this window opened.
• Ephraim Gilbert (1695–1760): Died roughly nine years before Cato and Diana were sold out of the Chesapeake. He could not execute or co-sign a 1769–1774 bond.
• Part 2, the Inactive / Dead-Ends (Highly Unlikely): John Hinson (c. 1680–after 1745): Though alive during the mid-1700s, his active merchant records fade long before 1769. There is no evidence connecting his later estate directly to these specific individuals.

So, now that I’ve explained everything I currently know about Cato and Diana, my goal is to find their parents (whether their parents were enslaved or the enslaver). Where can I go from here? I’m in the US and already found Hanna’s son (another ancestor of mine), Richard Bean (1800-1892).

My ancestor was Lachlan Forbes (1677-1753), born in Strathodan, Aberdeenshire, Scotland.

He participated in the 1715 Jacobite Uprising, and was able to flee to a different town, avoiding banishment and exiled immigration. (I can’t remember where he fled, though)

One of his children was my ancestor, Dr. George Forbes (1710-1778), from Scotland who immigrated to Bermuda, at some point, and married Mary Jones. By the time of the second Uprising, George was 35; I don’t know if he was still in Scotland, at that time, though.

But, I’m wondering—since I only have access to free resources (FamilySearch, I have an Ancestry tree but only use it to add records and names, Geni, I did find a few Scottish clan websites also, etc.), would I be able to find out what happened to Lachlan after the first Uprising?

1. Ancestor’s Name: Abraham Fisher. | Abraham’s alias: ”James Fisher”
2. Ancestor’s Father’s Name: Unknown. Surname, was indeed, Fisher.
3. Year of Birth: 1805 (possibly 1800 to 1810, for good measure)
4. Location of Birth: England. City/village and shire unknown.
5. Career: Shipwright (His father was also a shipwright—it was a patrilineal profession)
6. Race: I don’t know. Abraham Jr. (1834-1886) was black, but I don’t know what race Abraham Sr. was.
7. Country Abraham immigrated to: Bermuda
8. Abraham married: 11th June, 1832 - married Bermudian woman, Frances Perinchief (1810-1886).
9. Marriage Location: A church in Paget Parish, Bermuda (I forget the name of the church)
10. Immigrated to Bermuda from England: Late 1820s or early 1830s
11. Frances was wife number: 1 (He never married after her)
12. Abraham died in: 1862, in Bermuda. (Month & day unknown)
13. Any information about Abraham’s father?: None, except Abraham Sr. was a shipwright and born in England, just like his son.
14. Abraham’s Mother’s Name: Unknown
15. Abraham’s Children: 1. My ancestor, Abraham Fisher, Jr. (1834-1886), who married Anna Laura Mary Mitchell (1854-1916); 2. John Fisher (1838-1902); 3. Mary Fisher (1841-1905); 4. Samuel Fisher (1843-1907); 5. Sarah Fisher (1848-1910); 6. William Freeman Fisher (1836-unknown death date - died before 1890); and: 7. Joseph Perinchief Fisher (1845-1913). All born in Bermuda.

Did any of you have kids with or marry your DAs?

How was that experience, and how long did it take them to leave and run away again?
Also, how long did it take you to heal (mentally, financially, etc) after your DA left?

(Written on 6/22/2026)

I’m 29, from the USA. After 6 years’ unemployment, living on my own from 2023 until now (and relying on many outside resources to get by & contemplating shady business deals to make ends meet…..) and thousands of my rejected job applications and hundreds of passed interviews—I know it’s still hard to find 2 remote full-time jobs, but it’s what I’ve got to do.

I’ve had so much anger & frustration (all aspects of my life have been going horribly. It used to be my love life was horrible and everything else was fine. Now, it’s the opposite.)

I‘ve applied for more than 400 jobs, since May 25th alone. So, to turn multiple job offers down, just to be scammed and played like this (by a scam company posing as a legitimate employer that sent me a scam check), makes me even more livid and mad than I already was.

I survived domestic violence in 2023 and moved out for the first time, living alone and still survived & I’m proud of that. The problems I’m having now, in 2026, are: I’ve got family issues I’m trying to deal with (intrapersonal issues between me and a parent), then my boyfriend and I recently started dating, but we’re trying to sort out issues in other aspects (logistics, time to see each other since both of us will have 2 jobs), and then I’m also worried about how I will brainstorm to save money for moving expenses (this scam job was supposed to be my first job, taking care of my main bills, and this other second job I was offered—and Job #2 was also a scam—was going to be my way of saving for moving expenses).

Those 3 things directly affect me in massive ways, because I haven’t been hired for any job, yet (yet passed hundreds of interviews for hundreds of companies, and somehow “We’ve decided to look for other candidates” is the only sentence these hiring managers understand…. Life is frustrating.

I look great on paper—great resume, and I pass all my interviews—but, somehow, nobody will hire me. I don’t understand why or how. It’s caused family drama (them hating me and calling me multiple hateful names, bashing my weight, bashing my appearance, bashing my sexuality, etc.). It’s caused me to have to cut off abusers in my life (which has left me in dire financial straits, aka jobless, despite looking great on paper).

Now, regarding my move—I tried taking out loans & got denied more than 20 times, I tried credit card applications & got denied at least 12 times, I looked into online grant applications and got bad links that redirected me to shady websites and I immediately stopped it.

I have tried over and over again, despite 2,000 job applications and all the other things I did, to escape abuse & forge a better life for myself—and I am absolutely shocked, that the only positive thing keeping me going right now, is the love my boyfriend has for me. I am still blown away. Even though we had other issues (and both of us are Type A’s and fiercely independent people), we still love each other.

Sometimes I even question why my boyfriend loves me, due to the stress of everything I’m trying to manage right now (there’s a lot I’ve not been able to solve, right now). I literally also sometimes (as the saying goes) for the other shoe to drop & for him to tell me that he loves someone else and is dumping me. I try to be optimistic, but I understand he loves me and this doubt is from past narcissists I’ve dated who played mind games and lived double lives, and I was always the last to know.

I just want better for myself & the people around me. I want better for this world. But, due to my being impoverished, I’m simply unable to lift myself up (financially) or others, even though I want to, so, so, so badly. I survived abuse, but I’ve got financial hardships I just don’t know how to climb out of & that‘s the entirely new problem I can‘t figure out. I’ve gone to friends about this, and the only answer they give is, “I’ve got my own shit going on.” So, I stop speaking to them & cut them off immediately.

I don’t want anyone around me who is aware of my situation & feigns empathy or feigns a desire to take action and find solutions for me. I used my strength to overcome a lot in my life, but this financial hardship isn’t something I can get out of by myself; I have nobody and need a support system.

I even put my bike on eBay and my bed on eBay, to make ends meet, and nobody wants them. I don’t have time to ask, “Why me?” I’m just thinking, “What are my options right now?” I’ve got bill assistance on one bill (that takes 2 months, even though I got approved already), and got assistance for something else, but have to reschedule another interview tomorrow about that (I was busy at the time they scheduled last time, handling personal stuff, out of town).

So, I’m 29 and from the USA. I just got hired for a job, but there’s a problem. I use online banking. My job told me my bank account was acceptable for deposits. Then, 2 weeks later (yesterday, 6/21/2026), my job sent me a cashier’s check and told me to deposit it in ”a regular bank account” (aka not my bank).

Keep in mind, I have a second savings account with Discover, but that’s specifically for savings (I also had a checking account & debit card there last year, and both were shut down). And the way Discover works is, if the interest in your savings account is higher than $10, you have to file taxes on said savings account.

Every bank in my area turned me down, due to my horrible credit score. More recently, I got rejected for bank accounts with traditional banks, for outside businesses doing too many pulls into my credit score.

I‘m already going through stuff, so the last thing I need to hear is, this check I was given needs to be deposited & my literal financial institution is inferior.

(Written on 6/18/2026)

Did anyone here do the same? I see so many posts of the DA discarding, but for those of us who discarded our DA, how've you been since it happened? For me, I discarded my DA 2 years ago & I made a recent post about having good intentions and trying to move forward by offering my DA a peace offering, but the DA just responded by ignoring me. (Even though things had been great between us for over 1 year before this discard recently).

I’ve been discarded multiple times, by my DA, even in friendship. It’s crazy. We went from him promising to end our beef last year, to him discarding me again 2 days ago, since he’s still being malicious and going back to ignoring me again. It made me so angry with everyone who’s been leading me on, gaslighting me, etc. like my DA did (since he’s not the only one), that I went off on a few people who deserved my wrath yesterday evening.

These other people were already superficial, disrespectful and using me (knowing in advance, I wanted to date them), but my DA playing his mind games, like how he used to do, sent me over the edge and I had to do spring cleaning and permanently cut off a few recent people (possibly avoidant attachment people, themselves) from my life.

I‘m just tired of anyone and anything that doesn’t value me. Whether it’s my DA ex or anyone else. If you use me, can’t make time for me, aren’t there for me when I need you, and can’t reciprocate what I bring to a friendship or relationship—then, anyone new is getting ghosted. Friends, exes, anyone. Toxic people must be ghosted. Immediately. It can be fatal to keep a toxic person around you, especially a DA & avoidant attachment people, in general.

I thought my DA & I could finally make amends (which is what I wanted). But, no. An event happened which, instead of bringing positivity & turning a new leaf between us—which is what I wanted—it’s bringing back my old anger and hatred of him for manipulating me like this & shutting me out. (He did this with other things, several times before).

My DA followed me on Instagram and then quickly blocked me because he wants to offer his followers stuff specifically because they are not me. All in 2 hours. He will always hold grudges against me for the rest of his life. He takes no accountability, even though he admitted to playing mind games & called me toxic a month later. Fuck him.

I caught him cheating 6 times & dumped him 6 times, when we were dating. We dated for 2 years & that IG stunt he pulled brought me back to when he’d gaslight me about the cheating, when we were dating. Ugh. Deplorable. Filthy. Disgusting behavior. Those 4 words are understatements for the words I could use right now.

I also have no regrets about saying to him after catching him cheating, that his best friend can always replace him. I was deeply hurt & suffering in silence for our entire relationship & when I said it, but knowing what I know now, fuck him royally. He’s never getting positivity from me, ever again.

My DA always did shit like this. I call it “dangling the carrot”. They give you a little of what you’re craving & then quickly and immediately snatch it away from you, to gain power & control and make you either jealous or wanting them to stay/not be so busy—and sometimes it could be both. (Which was my DA and I)

He’s also the reason I literally don’t cry anymore, so this is one more reason to flip my DA the middle finger! He follows me on one social media site (he follows me there too, but I think he stopped responding because I sent him a selfie of me, so he remembers who I am now), but he followed on Instagram and then blocked me on Instagram 2 hours after following my page. Ugh. Men these days…..

Why follow me on the one page if you’re going to block me on my other one? That defeats the purpose of the promise we made to be civil with each other & end the beef. He even agreed to end our beef last year (but, obviously, yesterday is when he backpedaled on his promise). When we were beefing, every time he would talk to me, he would flaunt his new girlfriend in my face & do things to make me jealous, including using her & sending me their sex tapes, several times (and yes, she knows about it and condones it). So, he’s an ass and I’m better off without the squealing donkey.

When we were dating & I’d explode with rage at my DA for everything he did, how distant he was and how he treated me, I was always referred to as, “a mess” & my DA always rolled his eyes at me. I was later called “toxic”, and my DA admitted to me 1 year after our breakup, that he knows he plays mind games (and later went back to the same cheating, denying, being busy, talking to me for 5 minutes every day, etc. games he used to play before).

I dumped him 2 years ago, yet I (stupidly assumed) my DA is civil enough/calm enough to make amends, because yesterday, he followed me on Instagram (he never followed me on any of my social media handles when we were together, so I was surprised). Even since our breakup, we were still friends and were still relatively calm with each other, until I saw his IG stunt (because we usually talk 3 times a year & he’s always been nice and we never had issues…. until yesterday’s power move).

Obviously, judging by him blocking me, and how pissed I am (at him backpedaling, since this means he’s extending the beef we had).… He’s just continuing this weird “First, we can make amends one minute, and then I can hate you and want you dead/out of my life/away from me the next minute” mentality. Are all DAs like that? Maybe all DA men like him are only like that? I’m just feeling angry and defeated, at the same time. He acted like he wanted to squash everything between us & then dangled the carrot. Again.

Update: The mistake I made was messaging my DA on Instagram. He followed me, then I messaged him. He then blocked me immediately, after reading my message. So…. I guess I’m going back into “ Fuck my DA” mode, once again. He wants to use me without talking to me on other social media sites, but wants to talk to me somewhere else and follows me on one specific site and ignores me there, too. I’m just itching to…. Nevermind.

His constant fixation to make me jealous stems from his obsession for controlling me & me not getting things I want, while giving other people the exact same things I myself wanted him to give me. He revels in that. He crossed the line tonight. Fuck him. I’m done with his bullshit. Even after me dumping him in October 2024 (and I’m in a whole new relationship), he’s still being an ass and playing tit for tat. He can just fuck off.

I hope his girlfriend (who he likes because she doesn’t ask questions and is submissive, which he obsesses over—he knew I was dominant like him and that‘s probably why he started cheating in the first place. With both of us being LGBT men—me being pansexual and him being bi and closeted, and using his mistresses to get a rise out of me, which he obviously still tries to do but I don’t care—it isn’t your average DA breakup. When we were dating and would flirt, one of his pickup lines was, “Don’t ask questions“—because I hated how he’d travel around the world with his mistresses while refusing to make time for me. Ugh.

He started cheating with women as a middle finger toward me because he didn’t want a second alpha partner, he’d have to compete with or submit to or do things for. He yelled at me once, that he “needs control!” at the top of his lungs. And he finally got that control in his submissive girlfriend. Fuck him. She is innocent & she doesn’t even know that her man was dating me while he cheated with her & she was used as a pawn for him to get even with me.

Part 1 is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/gayrelationships/comments/1u5yfk2/comment/orp04hj/?context=3

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This is Part 2.

Disclaimer: We’ve known each other since 2022, for 4 years. We started dating, recently. I’m 29. He’s 42.

Update: I called him out on his BS. The lies, using me and everything else. He denied everything & switched the subject with, “I have something to do. I’ll talk to you later.” Keep in mind, it’s now 1:30am in the morning where I live, when I’m writing this. This confrontation happened 1 hour ago.

I knew I should’ve kept my thoughts to myself, because I suspected he’d react this way. Oh, well—I’ll just go back to bottling things up, since the handful of times I’ve told people directly about things they’ve done to me and how it made me feel, it never ended well & always ended with me losing a friend, losing a colleague, losing family members, etc. And on top of that, getting gossiped about & lied about, in the process. It’s happened to me—I don’t wish that on anyone.

Anyway—To hear my bf say, “Yes, there are things I don’t agree with. Some of what you said is based on assumptions, not facts, and it doesn’t reflect my intentions or who I am.”—after I called him out 2 months ago on the exact same things and he admitted to all of it, back then—so, what makes this time, any different? It’s making me angry, especially because he just comes across as a dismissive avoidant attachment person. (And an ex of mine was both a covert narc & a dismissive avoidant, and did the exact same action, but my ex would get malicious, whereas my bf does not; he simply denies it & we talk again, like nothing ever happened.)

My new bf’s response to any criticism of his behavior, is just to deny everything, call me toxic & then switch the subject by saying he has plans, or he’s going to bed, or something like that (this is probably the 6th or 7th time, in 3 years, that I’ve called him out and he’s either denied it—which is what mostly happens—or he admits to everything, which is what he’s done, only once or twice).

Every time I’ve called him out, I’ve stopped speaking to him for between 1 to 6 months, and when we reconnect like everything’s fine & he pretends nothing’s ever happened, like there’s never been bad blood between us.

It’s like he gets away with disrespecting me & then denies it to make himself not come across as delusional, narcissistic, manipulative/deceptive or avoidant (possibly, all 4).

Keep in mind, he has also romantically used his best friend. That person was treated the same way. But, people always say “If someone does something to you, confront them & tell them how you felt and everything they did, so maybe they can change, compromise or stop speaking.“ (The world doesn’t work that way. O

nly Hollywood films & television series’ do.) Well, not only did I confront my bf, but he also flat out responded by denying everything & ending the conversation after I replied with 4 separate incidents of things he did or said to me, of what he calls, mere “assumptions“, that he says “don’t match his intentions or who he is“.

Keep in mind, that in order to continue dating him, I can never discuss any of this (with him, directly) again. I am direct and confrontational, which always intimidates him and catches him off-guard, even when it’s about someone else. Suppressing my emotions will be heartbreaking and feels like I’m walking on eggshells. But, that was how I survived a difficult childhood & wouldn’t be the rebel & warrior I am, today.

People confirm my suspicions about his behavior (over multiple years), and then he always says a different excuse to me, or gets away with mistreating me or lying again or using me again.

So….. What can a good outlet be, to express my emotions without him finding out? I have friends of course, but they’re tired of hearing me vent to them. I used to journal, but stopped when I was in my early 20s (I’m now 29).

I also write songs and poetry, and watch YouTube videos (and occasionally make YT storytimes about my life & about current events), plus, I also love watching classic TV shows classic movies (always with some soda and chips or bagged/store-bought pretzels), when I’m down or sad and need to cheer up. So, what would be some great outlets for me to deal with all this?

For context, we were best friends for 4 years, since 2022. We just started dating on June 13th—yesterday. He is only one of a handful of exes of mine, who actually asked me out first, which is something I adore (I started hating telling guys my romantic feelings for them—I got rejected so many times, so it’s boring doing that. I’d rather wait for a guy to tell me, first.)
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There are numerous things I don’t know about him, but there are some things I do know about him. I know where he’s from. I know his siblings’ names. I know he was married once before, with a 1 year old child.

Anyway, in addition to the things I stated before, I do know his birthday, I know his 2 occupations (which I won’t go into, because that‘s private, between us), I do know his height (which I was going to ask, but I found out without asking), I know his hometown, I know where he attended college, I also know (now, this he told me) he played baseball in school & was a jock. I do know his former occupation before his current two (which I also cannot go into, for personal reasons). I also know quite a few secrets about him, which I also won’t get into (one of which, is actually something we have in common).

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He will sometimes explain things to me, and then when I ask followup questions (about the exact same things he brought up), his response is, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I also brought this up to him 1-2 months ago, saying there’s a double standard in our friendship.

He did this (the double standard thing) with his financial situation (recently), and a few other topics I forgot about. He also tells me nothing about his ex or his newborn child, and I had to go to his ex’s social media profile, awhile ago (I find that to be a problem because, as someone with 4 older half-siblings myself, and both my parents have half-siblings themselves, this is something we would need to discuss, because—as I have told him—fatherhood is a major goal of mine. It has been awhile since I brought up fatherhood, but he definitely knew beforehand). Also, if something happens to him (medically, financially, etc.), knowing I’d be his second spouse, I’d need to know if he has a will, if his ex is entitled to anything in the event of his death, financial losses, him needing insurance—things like that.

There could easily be other scenarios where I’d need to be knowledgeable of his situations, assets, insurance, wills, etc., but I can’t think of all of those, for right now. That’s why when he says he can’t discuss certain things, I get very concerned, because there can always be situations that arise, in the future, where I will need to know something about him, and it might be detrimental or start to affect me, because of my unawareness (which other people may not know, is because, he never discusses these things with me. He’s always adamant about it, too. But, I freely and willingly, discuss my life and he enjoys this and asks more questions and wants to know more, like a curious student….. See what I mean by double standards?)

Anyway, in addition to the things I stated before, I do know his birthday, I know his 2 occupations (which I won’t go into, because that‘s private, between us), I do know his height (which I was going to ask, but I found out without asking), I know his hometown, I know where he attended college, I also know (now, this he told me) he played baseball in school & was a jock. I do know his former occupation before his current two (which I also cannot go into, for personal reasons). I also know quite a few secrets about him, which I also won’t get into (one of which, is actually something we have in common).

Things we have in common: We love the same music. He loves my sense of humor. (He’s laidback and serious, and I’m playful and outgoing) He loves how creative I am (I’m very much an artist at heart—I‘m a songwriter mostly, but in 2024, I developed a desire for playwriting & sitcom writing, out of nowhere.) We love strategy games, like “2 Truths and a Lie”, and games like that.

He said, most importantly, he loves how happy I make him feel, when we talk to each other. I will admit, I was in love with him from the time we met (and we clashed about that, several times), so I find it interesting that he fell head over heels for me. He said his feelings for me, “just happened” out of nowhere.

He has also said, his friendships are superficial & he and I have something much deeper. (We usually discuss life, emotions, different heavy traumas in our lives, my relationships before & after I met him, his love of fitness, my love of genealogy, our shared creativity in certain aspects, our day-to-day operations, his jobs and things like that).

A quick pivot into my dynamic with both his best friends: I know 2 of his best friends very well; Friend #1 and I are old friends. I get along with #1 very well & would definitely hit it off with them even more in the future. Friend #2 and I are lifelong enemies. We absolutely hate each other & can’t be in the same room. I have said—and this is true—that if #2 keeps being passive aggressive with me, I’d knock his teeth out, castrate him or knock his eyes out, whichever I can get to, first.

#2 and I knew each other for 5 years, and were best friends, until a huge misunderstanding in 2024, made us hate each other. I tried to explain my position with the misunderstanding, but he didn’t care; we just grew to hate each other longer and longer. #2 has made several passive aggressive remarks about me (disguised as “jokes”, which is obviously bullshit, because #2 is a covert narcissist & my boyfriend accepts it and doesn’t defend himself, even though. my bf also said to #2 that, “I don’t like the way you talk to me”. Regarding #2 and myself, one day, I got so tired of being his punching bag, I did the same thing to him. I made up a joke about Elon Musk and Kanye taking #2’s American citizenship away (#2 is from Europe, and I’m not saying where). I’m still glad I defended myself. I have no regrets. Anyone else would do the same.

Anyway—regarding my boyfriend, is he avoidant or can we compromise?

I went from venting constantly, to finally accomplishing.

(Written on 6/12/2026) I finally got hired for a job, after 6 years unemployed. Maybe someone else is in the same situation and needs some hope right now? That’s why I posted this today. I want to inspire people to keep being resilient & never give up. Ever. And anyone who tells you to give up your goals/dreams, should be ghosted & sent to the guillotine, effective immediately.

Today is June 12th, but I had from May 25th until June 5th to find 2 full-time jobs. It didn’t work out that way & I ended up getting hired yesterday for both jobs, on the 11th of June.

Before yesterday, though:

My boyfriend and I had an issue or two, before my situation got out of hand on the 25th of May. (Which I won’t go into)
Regarding me not telling him anything (about my background or life), that’s not because of anything either of us did. We just haven’t had time to sit and discuss it because we’re both busy.

He’s got his own things going on (he’s a college student, majoring in art & got laid off from his art assistant job at the end of 2025. He did show me many paintings he’s done—I was blown away with how incredible they were. I’d say his specialty is abstract art. He showed me 12 or 13 portraits he’s done, but the one I remember is, a red background with—at the far right—a tongue sticking out with no face showing. Very Van Gogh, flaunting his post-mortem ear in a portrait, type of stuff. Van Gogh isn’t my style, but my boyfriend‘s paintings, are).

The only things I’ve really told him about my life (that I‘ve had time to talk about) was me cutting off my toxic family (and a very short, summarized history of why), and my current living situation.
About Topic 1. He wasn’t happy about that (he’s the old school, “Family is family” kind of person. His mom emasculates him & he accepts it. The same thing happened to me & I simply did spring cleaning, without hesitation, by cutting my family off entirely. We’re totally different in that way, but I overlook it. It’s not a big deal at all); and:

About Topic 2. (This was a few weeks ago—I stupidly made the willfully obtuse/stupid decision to ask someone for money. My boyfriend. Like I said, I’m very thankful me taking action paid off & that I was able to find those 2 full-time jobs yesterday) He adamantly refused. We almost argued about it, because he felt like I was being demanding. I was already in a position not to care about what he thought anyway, since I already had sent 200 job applications.

Both before and after the family stuff & his refusal, I had tried applying for loans (got denied every time & I had to block a lot of scammer pre-approval sites, too), taking out credit cards (I got refused for cards every time), applying for debt consolidation assistance (still got denied).
I simply kept taking action & kept sending more and more applications. It was the only choice I had.

I already had sent 200 job applications, I just kept sending more and more.

I’ve now sent 400 and finally got hired for a remote job recently. I made a plan & finally accomplished it on my own (Part of that plan was, you don’t deserve a social life or to leave the house until you get hired for a job—which I’m so glad I did, since self-discipline is extremely important. Success means putting in your 10,000 Hours into everything and whether it‘s successful or not, you put in the effort and saw the results, whether positive nor negative).

I also had to learn a very important lesson, from my teenage years:

Never ask anyone for help. People are cruel in this world (especially Americans). People don’t hold doors open for others (but, nursery rhymes & Hollywood films/television series, both advertise that logic), so why should I ask anyone for something precious & personal, like money or financial advice? Not only will nobody give that to me, but scammers thrive on the vulnerability of people like me, at that time.
Human nature is naturally built on independence & ruthlessness. Asking anyone for money is stupid. Say “no” to everyone & it‘ll make you lighter. You‘ll start flying on air after deleting the freeloaders. Denying leeches begging me for handouts saved my life (Now I understand why the leeches I helped when they were in my position, I had to cut off entirely—You can’t beat them, so start joining them).

Lesson, Part 2:
People who are struggling simply get off their ass, get 1 to 3 full-time jobs, work hard & save money (Like my mother used to tell people, “You want more money? Work more hours!!!” while giving her borderline-maniacal laugh. Another thing she said to someone, many years ago was, “When I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t complain. I got a second job.” Keep in mind, my mom has worked 2 jobs for 18 years, since 2008—and even at age 63, diagnosed with arthritis in her feet at 59, my mom still gets up and works her 2 jobs every day. My mom and I have our issues, but I have always respected that about her. She buried her trauma, never complained, never explained (the only time she missed work, in her 45 year work-history, was when she was dating her abusive ex (who later did prison time for C.A. he did to me at the time), after my dad, her ex-husband, died, and she got multiple write-ups at work for poor attendance & I was almost removed by CPS more than 30 times because of that. But, both of us kept pushing forward. No complaining, no explaining). But, she never complained, never explained. She simply pushed forward.

I get it from her. That old school ideal of “Never complain, never explain”, is basically what’s gotten me through life). I wouldn’t be the man I am today, without that innate, lifelong drive to succeed, follow my dreams/achieve all goals, push through all adversity, and be someone of note.

Lesson, Part 3:

The opposite of success is Oliver Twist (“Can I have some more?”)—and asking anyone for anything, like I stupidly did until age 27. Regarding that, the problem was, the friends I hung around; I now keep a small circle of friends, who I talk to about life and positivity. No complaining or explaining allowed. (Sidebar—It’s interesting that my mother said on my birthday a few years ago, “The thing I love about my son is, he never asks me for anything.” Which is 1,000,000% true. I never asked my parents for anything.)

Ruthlessness, saving money, plus independence/autonomy, equals power, intelligence & success—combined.

Obviously—the root of success is taking constant action. 7 days a week. Career actions precede everything else you will do. Sitting on your ass at home all day doesn’t create a child, and sitting on your ass doesn‘t create a job and a paycheck.

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And when I got hired for that job recently, I remembered that same lesson.
That lesson’s accuracy is chef’s kiss.

I’m in NJ. I live in a small town. I applied for EBT last week (I think last Tuesday). I’m surviving on candy because I can‘t afford groceries, and the last thing I heard from Social Services was they’re calling me for an interview, but never gave me a direct date and time. It’s now Sunday, and…. I’m trying to figure out what to do. I also am soon to be hired for a full-time job (I passed my job interview Thursday & they‘re eager to hire me). I have drinks, but no food. I will definitely be sleeping early (since sleeping from 9pm to 4am every night, is not feasible anymore. I’ll be sleeping a lot more).

My boyfriend has no job & is enigmatic to me. A hard nut to crack, so to speak. We love each other & he loves me. We want to build a future together, as a united front. (We have talked about that, several times and it is something we both want. The problem is, how to begin.) That is our foundation. However, everything from there, is all…. A gray area. A rock & a hard place, right now.

However, between his near-fatal car accident 1 month ago (he was physically fine, but had head pain and he made a full recovery), him saying he only wants to get a job after moving in with me, and now him admitting to me a few days ago that he’s a gambling addict….. I don’t know what to do. He’s a college student who got fired at the end of 2025. He says to me that nobody will hire him because, “I’m a learner. They won’t pay me.” In my family, anybody without a job, was shunned from our family. Everybody who was not in college and not doing chores over age 18, was instructed & demanded by our elders to quickly find jobs. So, when he tells me blatant lies like, “College students don’t get hired”, I have to resist my urges to call him out on his bullshit.

On top of what he’s going through, I’m facing eviction from my apartment. I’ve lived on my own for 3 years. My mom & I got into 3 physical altercations which is why I left, and filed a police report in 2023. Then, last month, she and I fell out again & she‘s had too many mood swings than ever (Yes, my mom has BPD) and she keeps lying about agreeing to help me out financially, so I had 7 days to get a job. I sent more than 200 job applications and a scammer gave me a job on the 4th and took it away yesterday. I’m furious.

My bf and I also argued last week (temporarily, because we worked it out, thankfully) because not only does he not know the severity of my situation right now (I’ve only told him less than 5% of my entire situation & background), he’s told me he thinks I’m being unfair and that we need to communicate (because I asked him, last week, to help me out financially). He replied that he will help out when his finances stabilize—and then 1 week later, he tells me he’s a gambling addict because he thinks he “has no options” in life? I can‘t stop thinking, as a valid response to his mentality….. “WHAT????”

I don’t know what our problems are—I just know, I made this post to find solutions that both he & I could do, that will help us grow together. I sent him online websites for 3 of my old employers for him to submit applications on his own. He told me he submitted applications & then said “I need to discuss that in person. I’m looking for a job after I move in with you”. (After telling me a few days before, that he got hired & would start working on Monday. This obviously was a lie. I’ve dated pathological liars before, and his job excuses are a major red flag for me.)

I’ve got too much going on right now to hear him say that…. Honestly, he sounds slightly delusional. I’m not even diagnosing this man, and I truly do love him & want him to succeed, but looking at his actions, I’m honestly wondering if he could just be a little narcissistic or some sort of liar and manipulator. He’s not abusive toward me (and I’ve dated abusers before, who actually are violent), but he seems…. tough to figure out (since I’m an outsider looking into his life. On the outside looking in, like that girl from 20 years ago who sang that Disney song).

He also lives 1 hour from me, and his car accident happened, since we had been trying for 1-2 years to meet, and things kept blocking us from meeting. Then, on May 8th, we were finally able to meet. 5 minutes after he & his sister left their house, to drive to mine, was the accident. His sister was on a ventilator (she made a full recovery, and she’s fine now, but my bf told me she had to pay she & my bf’s medical bills from the accident with her life savings, and she’s the breadwinner of the family. I wonder if—and I just thought of this as I was typing this post here, just now—his mother wants him to be like his sister? More on that later).

My bf also tells me his mother insults him constantly for not having a job (Keep in mind, he’s 20 years old; when he tells me about his family, I say nothing, since all I want to do is listen to his experiences and observe. However—I’ll be 30 in 3 months & I spend every single day applying for jobs, going on interviews, and doing nothing else. I stay home every day & refuse to leave the house until I get hired for 2 full-time jobs. I have forced myself to stop seeing family & friends, stop attending events, and stop going out the house at all, until I get hired for a job. Because it’s inhumane and abnormal for me to sit around and not pay bills. I’ve always been very restless; I get bored, by sitting and doing nothing all day. I don’t know what that’s like (and the last time I did sit around, I was a child and what changed that, was social media coming around, in maybe 2006-2007 & I’ve been up and active, ever since). I have a very long resume myself (The reviewer told me, “Your resume is way too long. It’s 11 pages!”)

My question is, why is my boyfriend still making excuses, when all he has to do is, take that same time and passion he has for his gambling addiction, and apply & transfer that time into getting a job for himself, like I’m doing? (I told him that, this morning, actually) The objective behind gambling is to throw disposable money away; gambling was never for working-class people who will have debts to pay due to gambling addiction. This compulsion is still something I’m trying to come to terms with, about him. Whether I do or not, is something only time will tell.

(Playing devil’s advocate here, but—I have never told him this, but I was also a functioning addict, myself—from ages 17 to 24, I was working full-time while addicted to pills. Addiction was my family‘s way of preventing me from exposing their past abuse, but also preventing me from seeing current abuse going on at that time. Addiction was not my decision (only my body’s way of coping with it; I buried a lot, but I also buried the abuse and anger I had toward other abusive people who mistreated me & other events in my life, as well). I’m 6 years sober, as of March 17th this year, but that’s not something I can speak about with my bf because most of it involves my mom, so he might pass more judgment if I tell him the full truth. So, I’m going to wait awhile, since now is certainly not the correct time nor place).

It’s like every week, he has a different excuse—first, he’s a college student who doesn’t realize all working-class college students who can’t rely on nepotism, all of them are college students while balancing full-time jobs and an education. Then, he can’t work (yet, he hasn’t said if this was doctor’s orders, or who else instructed this). Then, he says he will submit job applications after moving in with me. Then, he’s a gambling addict. It’s like I’m running on a tightrope while learning to balance on one simultaneously, and he’s commandeering it, for (as the saying goes), “shits and giggles”.

He also claims that he can’t work because of the accident, but then turns around and uses the gambling addiction line. I grew up in an entire family of alcoholics, drug addicts and pill poppers, all of whom were married with kids (only a handful were not) and they went to work every day, as functioning addicts, and came home with a paycheck every 2 weeks to support their families. So, his excuse of ”I’m a gambling addict” and “I can’t work” is bullshit.

I truly do love him. I truly do want him to succeed. But, with my ex that I dumped a few months ago (he was a gold digger & control freak who weaponized his being sex trafficked as an excuse for me to provide for him financially & would pick fights with me anytime I refused to do something for him). Just like with the ex, I had to realize, my ex had choices he refused to make. I truly hope my current bf understands that him being a 20 year old bum sitting on his ass all day is grounds for me dumping him. Truly.

My mom & I have our differences (despite the multiple forms of abuse she’s done to me for the last 16 years and all that), but one thing i can‘t take away from her is, she’s always kept a job since 1981 and she’s still working at 63 years old and is still providing for herself, despite being a single widow, since my dad (also her ex-husband of 16 years) passed in 2010 (also, she basically hates my dad and created lies about him when I was a kid. My dad was the best father and was always present. My mom has admitted twice—after decades of lying about it and cursing me out multiple times during shouting matches with me—that she was an absentee mother and should’ve been present.

My mom’s lies about my dad are the reason my half-siblings have never acknowledged me. I decided to use that abandonment as fuel to succeed in life. I’m self-made. Anything I want in life, I get. I’ve never sat on my ass, waiting for pennies from heaven—I went out and got things. My parents would’ve disowned me if I sat around and accepted handouts from anyone. I am currently in the running to get one job, since my 3 interviews went well yesterday, but there’s one job particularly that I’m fighting hard to get.)

Another thing—I’d told my bf about me recently cutting my mom out my life. His response basically was, family is family & you need your mom in your life. I also come from that kind of family and I was the rebellious one. Anytime men or anyone else tried to control me, I always spoke up and defended myself. So many people I know have said how much they love my rebellious personality. I haven’t talked about that much with my boyfriend (since we both have so much going on), but knowing his passing of judgment is something I disapprove of, but it is something I can easily look past. It’s no big deal at all. I got up and left my mom’s house with three dollars in my bank account 3 years ago, after she would antagonize me multiple times, to the point of violence, so my bf having an outdated opinion means nothing to me. We love each other & that‘s what matters.

Things my bf is working on: (He hasn’t said anything about this, yet)

Things I’m working on: 1. A friend of mine wants me to join his 1 year book publishing program. 2. My publicist arranged for me to do interviews with major magazines. 3. Waiting until Monday to see if I passed those 3 interviews from yesterday & get hired for those 2 full-time jobs. (Even if those don’t work out, I’ve applied for 70 additional jobs in the last 72 hours). 4. I have jury duty on July 6th. 5. I have dental surgery on June 26th. (This is why me having 2 full-time jobs will allow me to receive these 5 things, in addition to paying my household bills.)

Honestly—I’m trying & trying to stay calm through all this. People have looked to me as a source of strength and resilience, but I’m a human being. As humans, none of us have answers.

Knowing my boyfriend’s circumstances and mine, what are effective ways we can help each other while respecting each other? (Among a few other effective strategies)