Hi ! Sorry for how long it is 😣

At this point I (F28) don’t know if I’m “making a big deal out of nothing” like he (M26) says or if I’m feeling like I’ve “outgrown” him, not in a negative/superior way but more in a “I am no longer the 22 years old you’ve met”.

Here’s the daily interactions that I try to simply not let it become the center of my mind but I can’t help but think about it from time to time :

- This morning I decided to clean under the bed since I was tired of waiting that he moves the bed for me and upon seeing me doing it he said that “I could have asked him”, which I did, for the past 4 weeks and yet he didn’t helped me put the bed back in its original position regardless of clearly seeing me struggling to move it. So I couldn’t help myself but say “if I don’t, nobody will”.
- I started to do a deep cleaning since my 6 years old sister is coming to sleepover but yesterday I couldn’t move a finger since during my birthday, the day prior to it, I’ve made the mistake to not noticed my body’s discomfort due to alcohol so my leg was numb (I’m 6 months post-hip prothesis surgery), yet, he didn’t helped me besides doing the bed while I’ve taken care of the floor, sink, toilet, shower, dishes, kitchen counter, window, desk, and now I’m about to reorganize our clothes while my back hurts from probably doing a wrong movement while trying to push the bed. Which I did told him but he’s still sitting on the bed while playing games.
- Communication : I don’t claim to be a “master communicator”, the thing that’s bothering me is that whenever we talk, it feels like a constant “competition” as I am met with defensiveness and what can seem like micro aggression.

Example of conversations from the past 3 days, which are a daily thing, just different topics :
- He has a tendency to generalize when I personalize, and to personalize when I generalize. What I mean by that is, if something isn’t his experience then automatically it isn’t the experience of “everyone”, or if something is the majority then it is automatically reduced to one specific person. Same with knowledge, I take a meaningless conversation about him believing that commercial airplanes have parachute under the seat so I told him otherwise but he spent a good 15mins explaining how I’m wrong until he said “let me ask gpt”, he saw the answer and automatically still tried to prove a point. It’s a meaningless example but this also happens in serious conversations. It’s constantly “I am always right and you’re always wrong, rarely right” (as he always says)
- I feel that he is constantly defensive. I’ve recently talked about how we should start speaking my native language more often so it can be of help for him when it comes to interviews because he has limited vocabulary and unfortunately it has been a limitation for his job hunting, to which he automatically deflected it to external factors “this guy was doing all the talking during the group interview” and “it isn’t the language barrier, I understand what is said to me, I can speak, they just didn’t wanted me”, which could be true but a broader vocabulary could make a difference instead of “I pick this number because it’s weird. (Employer) Why is it weird ? (Him) It’s weird and not normal.” Or another example, I advices him to stop applying for jobs he is clearly not qualified for. He applied to lawyers, doctors, nurses jobs but… he has no degrees, studies, masters and so on in that category, to which he instantly responded with “I apply to whatever the fuck I want, go smoke and let me be”. And even after expressing that I found the “comment” disrespectful he simply responded with “you should be the one apologizing for criticizing how I apply to jobs, I didn’t said anything wrong”.
- Another communication issue, whenever I simply talk about how I’m thinking about temporarily getting a 9-5 in order to save up for a goal (I am currently working from home and doing gigs here and there), he doesn’t focus on the topic and simply says “you don’t have to, I’m not saying you can’t, you can work, you just don’t have to, I’ll get the money faster than you”, which… realistically speaking, no and regardless of that, I’ve noticed along the years how he seems tense whenever I make more than him or reach a financial goal faster than him.
- Or just like for the bed, to him the issue is “your vibe seemed off”, “you are talking to me rudely and being disrespectful” and “you are wrong” because I said “if I don’t do it, nobody will” and me waiting for 4 weeks for the bed to be moved or receiving help when i am doing it, isn’t proof that he wasn’t going to do it and not a reason for me to be annoyed. As the peace is on my shoulders, if I wake up a certain way and speak a certain way then there is no issue, if I don’t accommodate him, there is issues.

Then comes the infantilization, at first I wasn’t paying much attention to it and viewed it more as a “joke” but once it became recurrent and for nothing and everything, I started to doubt if it truly was a joking matter or not. He automatically compares me to a “child” or “baby” whenever I ask to talk about something bothering me and disengage whenever the conversation is going nowhere because he simply keeps on repeating that I’m making a big deal out of nothing instead of engaging into the conversation. Whenever I tell him to write something in my native language (such as responding to administration and his employers) instead of doing it for him (as I view it to perhaps help him much more than constantly doing everything for him) then I’m automatically flagged as a child, if I’m tired because my leg is feeling numb and decide to put something to after I rested a bit, flagged as a baby and I can keep on going.

From 22 to around 25, I was fine with all of this, I didn’t paid much attention but since 25 to now 28, all those daily stuff became things I can no longer overlooked and views it as incompatible, especially since he seems to expect my early 20’s reactions instead of seeing that, well, like everyone I’m growing older therefore what used to be, isn’t as it’s normal to no longer deal with things the same, if I was still as reactive as I used to be then I would find it to be personally wrong.

So yeah, am I overreacting for wanting simple conversations that doesn’t turn into instant defensiveness and for wanting to solve any problems/issues calmly without feeling like he is trying to “outpower” me and infantilizing me ? Which all I’m doing is simply approaching a matter calmly like “can we talk about [insert] ? I [insert]” or simply me speaking about my personal wants and interests as I am quite of a chatterbox at times and just love to talk about nothing and everything but I’m met with “sigh here we go again” so I started to speak less but when I’m no longer being a chatterbox then it’s “you’re quiet, what’s wrong ? What’s on your mind ? Do we have beef”

Edit : I tried to autocorrect myself as much as I can but I’m sure some sentences might not be correct 😅

Hi ! Honestly I don’t know how to navigate this specific topic anymore. (Together for 6 years, married for nearly 1 year)

Context :
some days, like any other people I have my ups and downs, some days I’m quieter than usual, some others I’m a never ending talking machine BUT one thing for sure, every month I’m on my period and that is the only time my emotions are constantly the same : I become as mute as a wall. And during the down, quieter and period days, my husband doesn’t seem to comprehend that I don’t have any issues with him nor our relationship, I’m just… existing.

And I tried to explain this to him for the past 4 months, but today I just feel like I’m an alien for the following reasons that makes him believe that I have an issue :

- It’s super hot, nearly 32 degrees indoors and period are kicking me hard so i skipped lunch because i was simply not hungry.
- During a conversation I rectified his wording by explaining in depth that what I meant was generalized but he worded himself as personalized.
- I got out of bed and sighed, which is well, normal.
- I am in the quieter mood so I allowed myself to not loggin into work and just spent the rest of the afternoon laying in bed battling to find a less painful position 😂

But, it’s been now since 2pm (it’s currently 5pm) that he is trying to figure out “what is my issue” while… I just don’t have any, I remained calm and collected but after being repeatedly asked the same question because “when you’re like this, there’s always something. I’m not crazy for asking you what is wrong” and repeatedly answering and explaining the same is just… extremely frustrating, it feels like today I can’t seem to just relax and be in my quiet days without the need of having an issue

Edit : just adding that regardless of not being much talkative, we still had conversations, had our usual daily and affectionate routine. I express every time it’s period/discomfort/down days not the relationship, just pure physical/emotional but besides a “yes I get that but you’ve been like this since this morning/past [date amount]”, he stills think it’s about him or us. So does I express when the constant repetition is now becoming the issue that I previously didn’t have since being asked the same thing and my answer being disregarded is indeed making me feel irritated, once, twice, at most thrice ok (in general, not for this topic) but throughout the entire day ? No and I don’t want to reach a level where I cannot contain my emotions as I personally don’t like suddenly switching to talking a bit louder and speaking rudely.

What’s making me feel more like it’s hard to navigate it, is that we’ve already had many times conversations about it, communicated properly without it turning into arguments and we concluded on the same point with agreeable compromises that do not go against the other’s boundaries but the same questions keeps on persisting always at specific timing, 2 days after period start and whenever I wake up not appearing “bright and shine” yet I automatically let him know about it and reassures him that it’s quite of a down day. So I just wanted to vent about the insistence and figure out if there’s other ways than clear communication, keeping the usual habits with just some moments when I might just want some quietness, compromises, still keeping the affection and playfulness, and still being present for him regardless of him not understanding why I’m not constantly in an up mood if nothing had happened between us

Edit 2 : for today the chapter is finally done after he saw that I look more exhausted than earlier so after re-describing how I physically feel while adding the new set of physical discomfort (heatwave is truly no joke) now the questions finally stopped and he seemed more relaxed. So, tomorrow yet another calm conversation about it to re-iterate that those moments aren’t targeted towards him/us and hopefully this time it will finally be understood and integrated. Anyway, thank you for the replies !

I (F27) will probably never understand why the hell my husband (M26) always acts as if I offended his entire bloodline for wanting to recycle the air, reduce mold risk and get rid of odors. 🙃

We recently moved in together and I have these habits :
- Letting the bathroom door open for 15mins, in the morning, after showers and at night before closing it to sleep. Since there’s no ventilation, mold grows super fast if the door remains closed.
- Opening the door and/or window when cooking, in the morning, when it’s too hot, before bed.

Because… my place is only 14m2, 2m2 kitchen, 6m2 of living room/bedroom, 4m2 bathroom and the remaining 2m2 is just the entry. There’s only one small/medium size window which the view is a wall and the passage to each apartment.

Yet, he constantly closes the window/doors whenever I open it wide or after 2 mins, he doesn’t open when he’s cooking (there’s no ventilation in the kitchen) so if I’m not home to open it behind him, the walls have water drip, smoke and food odors remains and multiple times a month I have to treat molds.

It’s just so tiring to keep on dealing with someone who thinks “he knows it all”, while this is just basic hygiene to me, that at some point I simply spent a week at my family’s place and suddenly he understood why I keep things open but not to the point of stoping on complaining about it nor letting things open for more than 5mins. 😒

Edit : about the place, it’s my first “apartment” after I moved out of my parent’s place, so he moved in to my place and country (we’re not from the same continent). There’s no AC as places still doesn’t have AC as a national preset, it’s more viewed as a “luxury”, the ventilations doesn’t work properly, the one in the bathroom don’t work, the one in the kitchen doesn’t work properly and the “stove” one cannot be plugged in because the cabinet on top wasn’t placed properly

If my 22 years old self were able to understand that “butterflies” simply meant a nervous system being activated instead of “love” and that someone who’s not activating those “butterflies” but fits every criteria and standards you wish upon yourself isn’t a person to rule out but one who will teach you a love you’ve never saw nor experienced but definitely kept on wishing for then… I would have made better decisions but life is all about being able to understand things while you’re getting older and the “if” doesn’t exist in the past because it’s set and done but it does exist in what we choose to do in the present for the future.

I’m only 27 and I just can’t help but have immense pain for everything I’ve experienced from 22 until now and leaving never seemed like the easiest choice to make when you’re so full of fear that the person you’re with can make you become another femicide statistic.

I wasn’t able to comprehend why was I constantly being talked down, criticized, insulted, infantilized, disrespected, belittled. I couldn’t comprehend why one would put their hands on me and claim to love and care for me because after all that’s exactly what I got growing up, parents claiming to love and care but being physically violent whenever a child who’s doing what children does : mistakes and not listening. I couldn’t comprehend why my outfits were no longer mine, why I could no longer have friends nor go out without permissions, why I could no longer have hobbies, passion, dreams and ambitions, why I could no longer work, why I was locked inside all day and night. Why I didn’t received support during an illness and surgery, why I was blamed to try to take my life, why I got coerced to an abortion then being left out, why he kept coming back and I kept accepting him with so much hope and why I got cheated on repeat but it was simply ruled out as “it’s because of you”.

I had multiple occasions to leave, I could have not legally tied myself to someone who can become the reason why I’d leave this earth but I kept making the wrong decisions and now… while I’m finally ready to leave because there’s no more left of me, I’m blocked by finances.

I can’t say “if” in past tense but you best believe once I’m out of it, I won’t make the same mistake twice because I choose to deserve better and I want to make better decisions in my relationships. I can’t possibly control that id never be cheated on again nor abuse, but I can definitely leave the moment everything activate my survival instincts.

Hi, I sure do hope everyone is well regardless of the reason why we’re even here !

I think we can somehow all get that… I would highly appreciate if I don’t read anything that is straight up radical advice as I won’t be talking in detail about my situation. But after spending some time over the dedicated sub for that and got nothing else than blunt truth, I was wondering if maybe here some of you had experienced also that side and due to fear of trauma bonding or whatsoever we can call this messed up situation, had kept on forgiving over and over and OVER AGAIN to the point now that you’re ready to leave, to just have yourself and your daily peace back, it’s even more complicated in your mind to be radical while being ready for it ?

Hi!

Sometimes I feel like wanting to smash my own mind because it just keeps spinning around the same thing over and over again at the most random moment. I literally woke up 20 minutes ago, I was about to do my usual routine of not grabbing my phone for minimum an hour right after I woke up but… my mind just flashed back one of the endless woman he cheated on me with and I found myself needing the distraction.

I just don’t get why this specific woman keeps on coming back to my mind while he cheated with so many cis/trans women, men over the span of nearly 6 years (I discovered everything muuuuuch later on, never on the spot) and this one date from January 2025 yet I still have flashbacks at least twice a month about her. Which I do see as a win because it used to be 24/7 but when it hits me, it hits me hard that I’m wondering if I ever will heal from it or if it’s just one of those trauma that you just learn to no longer be affected by it but it creeps under your skin all your life. 😮‍💨