u/Sufficient_Fudge_280

Every since I told my STBX I wanted a divorce he’s been begging and begging me to give him another chance.

He blows up my phone, is touching me constantly when he’s around me leaves little notes everywhere and cards, constantly saying sorry and how he’ll be the “man I need” from now on, the latest is that he’s planned a “special date night” and I feel like it’s such whiplash.

One part of me wants to accept it and forgive him because it’s what I’ve wanted this whole time. Affection. Attention. Romance. Love.

But at the same time I’m disgusted because NOW you want to try? I find myself recoiling when he touches me. But I feel like an evil bitch for not reciprocating.

If I forgive him and he goes back, I look stupid and I wasted more time. If I don’t and he was serious I could be walking away from the love I’ve always wanted and an in tact family.

The worst was the other night I went out for dinner and drinks with my cousin/bsf and told him I wanted to be left alone. No calls, no texts. Just let us enjoy our girl time.

He didn’t listen at all. Blew me up. Dozens of texts. I just ignored them and turned my phone off. The next morning he told me he cried all night and called the suicide hotline. Because I wouldn’t text him back. That’s insane right??

Yall I hate this man but I feel sorry for him but I feel like I owe him but I don’t want this. I feel crazy. Fuck him.

***UPDATE***

I told him the word rubbed me thing wrong way and he immediately said “well then that word will never be said again” . No explanations, no trying to tell me how I should feel about it. And I asked him what he meant by it and he said “well, you’re the easiest person to talk to, we laugh all the time, we have so much in common, you’re fun and funny, smart, you’re hot, you think IM HOT, and the way we met is insane. It’s like I hit the hot best friend lottery. You’re a person I thought I’d never find”

Not a single word comparing me to other women.

Thank yall so much for all the advice. I’m happy.

I’ve noticed a pattern in the behavior of men who are interested in me romantically and I’m not sure if I should be concerned or flattered. I’ve been told, by well over a dozen men that I’m a “unicorn”, “the ideal woman”, “unreal”, or “rare” and it used to flatter me but now that I’m in my mid thirties and starting to dip my toe in again to entertaining them I don’t know how to take all that.

It seems like they see me as like, a rare Pokémon card or something. My STBX called me his unicorn when we first met, got me all kinds of little unicorn things, it was like our little cute thing. He promised he’d always treat me like I was special, like he never wanted to lose me, yet here we are getting divorced because I spent years trying to get him to notice me, bring me flowers, initiate sex, give me basic compliments, do equal parenting and housework time, etc.

He ABSOLUTELY did not treat me like a unicorn after he “caught me”, so to speak.

I look back on before I met him and he isn’t the only one to have said something similar to me. It’s been a pattern. He’s the only one I ever had anything serious with who said something like that to me; the rest I just didn’t vibe with. But they all have this same weird “love at first sight” infatuation with me once they start talking to me and see my personality and know about my professional life. Like they go from “wow you’re hot” to “what’s your ring size?” within weeks, sometimes days.

After some thinking I’ve done since the separation I’ve come to realize maybe my STBX maybe only wanted me so no one else could have me?

This comes up because I’ve been talking to someone that I very very much like. He’s kind, considerate, we have talks about morality, careers, motivations and improving our lives, into the same nerdy things and have the same cringe millennial humor that keeps us laughing. He has a good circle of close friends, his own hobbies, all that. Everyone who’s seen us interact has said that we’re such a good match. I very much feel like he likes me for my personality and my values, not what I can “give him” or “provide”. He has no kids, no debts, no reason for “using me” so to speak. He explains his feelings well and communicates openly and honestly. It should be noted that this guy hasn’t at all gone the “I must have you be mine marry me tomorrow” route that I’ve seen before. He respects my situation and in no way is rushing me.

But he called me a unicorn the other day. And I feel like I have PTSD from that word. He doesn’t know my ex used to call me that. He doesn’t know anyone has said that or something similar.

Is this just something I’m going to have happen over and over again? Cause I definitely DO NOT want to be with a partner who is like “meh” about me. I definitely want a loverboy who yearns lol.

Is this a me thing? I don’t fucking know. Being me is ass sometimes.

I know I’m doing the right thing. I know I’ll be happier. But I feel so selfish. I’m changing my entire family dynamic because I AM unhappy. As someone who’s endured for years to keep the family together it feels so gross.

I (36F) told my husband (47 M) I think it would be best if we divorced a few weeks ago and the conversation went as well as you’d think it would. I found some questionable discord messages between him and another woman after we came back from a vacation where all we did was fight and that was the final straw. He barely talks to me but he’s pouring out his soul to this random woman he met on his game.

He told me that me and the kids are all he has, that he’s so depressed and is nothing without me, blah blah blah. That he knows my parents will pay for whatever lawyer and he’ll never see the kids. He’s so sorry, he didn’t know I was so unhappy, he had no idea I felt so alone, etc.

This is after years of neglect, blowing me off to play video games and smoke weed in the garage, having to be asked 5-6 times to do a basic chore, me having to beg for intimacy, and many many MANY times where I’m crying, begging for the bare minimum, asking if he even finds me attractive.

When we met in 2017 he was Mr. Loverboy, constantly bringing me flowers, showering me with compliments, telling every person with a pulse how wonderful I am, always touching, sex was all the time and very good. I met his daughter very quickly, we bonded immediately and I adopted her when we got married.

Not even a year into being married I could tell a difference in his behavior. But I just thought that was normal, we’re married and comfortable now type things. I can’t expect him to be a yearning, Loverboy forever right?

As the affection got less and less I would ask him why. I would do extra to get him to notice me. He would tell me he’s just not a very affectionate guy (so what was all that in the beginning??) Always perfectly made up for him. Constantly making sure my body was in good shape, the house was spotless, dinners were homemade and delicious, always telling him how attractive I think he is, sending dirty pics during the day to make him want me when he got home. He quit his job to try real estate (he wasn’t good at it and drained our savings to nothing) and I was so supportive. I had the worst pregnancy with our son after I had five miscarriages and he was very…..not that supportive. I would cry and he would just look at me and say he didn’t know what to do or say. I begged him to start therapy and he did for a while. I asked him to try testosterone and he did. Nothing helped.

The lowest point was when our daughter (17) pointed out to him on vacation “dad you’ve told about 5 women their dresses are pretty on the way to dinner but you haven’t said a word to mom and she looks beautiful”. I wanted to die. Just curl up in a ball and die.

On top of all that I’ve been so focused on my career and excelling the last five years or so. I’ve doubled my salary in three years and now have what I’d describe as a dream job. I’m the main breadwinner by a good stretch. I handle all the kids activities, plan meals, take care of the house, on top of being gone half the month for my job. I meal prep for him and the kids before I leave. When I say I’m contributing 150% I’m not exaggerating.

I tried. So hard. For a long time. We’ve had about 1000 discussions that are basically me begging for him to be like he was at the beginning, him throwing a pity party about how I want too much, rinse and repeat. For eight years. I’m tired. I’m done. After I saw those messages it was like a light switch. I talked to my best friend about it and she admitted she’s never liked him, thinks he talks down to me, and made a comparison I can’t unsee. She told me “girl he’s like Jerry on Rick and Morty. You’re married to Jerry. You’re Beth. And we all watch that show and think “girl get up”.

So, after this discussion where I told him I’m done. I can’t anymore. And he begged and pleaded and I told him I just can take a lifetime of what the last eight years have been he’s been fucking body snatched.

This man is sending me good morning texts while I’m out of town. Bringing me breakfast in bed. Telling me how hot I am. Blowing off his game. He brought me flowers and cigars for the first time since 2019. Being all grabby and trying for sex. Offering to plan dates (which I can’t even remember the last time he did that). Doing chores around the house without being asked. He gave me this big long speech last night about how I’m “the glue” of the family and how much better his life is since he met me and how he owes me”the man he is” to me and my support. How good of a mom I am. How good our life is because of me.

I told him “ok but what do you love about ME the person? What do you love that doesn’t have anything to do with how “useful” I am? And he had nothing. He couldn’t think of anything.

Am I wrong for feeling like, insulted by this?? Like NOW you can do all the things I’ve been begging for after I told you I want out?? NOW you can be the man I’ve needed for eight years after you see it could be gone?

I finally get what I’ve been begging for and it feels hollow. Almost gross. And I know now when I say I want to keep going with the divorce he’s going to go on about how I didn’t even give him a chance.

Yall I’m fucking tired. I deserve better. I know the process is going to suck and I keep procrastinating. I know it’s better on the other side but the quagmire in front of me looks horrible. I hate this.