u/United-Laugh-587

I get dopamine boosts when someone tells me they are in crisis. Like I feel the immense pain they are in and it feels so familiar that it feels like home. I don’t want them to harm themselves, I just wanna feel the emotional pain and suffering they are in because deeply felt emotions, positive or negative, don’t scare me, they feel rejuvenating. I think I’m like the exact opposite of an avoidant. Instead of running away from emotions, I run straight into them. Being in crisis is one of the most familiar things I’ve ever felt. I’m doing somewhat right now I guess. Life just feels so much more colourful when you see the things people push under the rug.

I just got off the phone with my mom and step dad. They were telling me how I should be around family and live a simple life on disability and not reach for the stars. But I wanna keep holding onto my ambitions. I don’t want to lead a simple life. And I don’t wanna be near family because I don’t feel grounded near them. I don’t have a sense of self when I’m around them. I told them how BPD can stem from childhood neglect and as soon as they heard that they said “Oh so you think it’s our fault?” I said it was the fault of chance and that nobody’s perfect. But to be fair, I’ve just been so angry lately and lashing out at them and saying it is their fault outright. I don’t know how to hold all of this pain that I keep carrying. And I just called a crisis centre yesterday and the operator kept insinuating I wanted validation for all the harmful behaviour I engage in, but that’s not the case. I just kept feeling like my character was on the line with that call. She kept interrupting me and just made me feel worse by repeatedly judging me for the vulnerable things I shared. But I stayed for an hour and a half on the phone because I didn’t wanna come off as defensive. And back to my parents, after I said I didn’t wanna be near family, my step dad called me a sour boy and an immature n*rcissist. And I said “Don’t ever call me again” and abruptly hung up the call. I feel like I’m actively ruining the relationship I have with my parents too. I’ve already burned so many bridges. DBT resources are so hard to access. I feel so burnt out. I’ve been trying to get actual help for 4 years ongoing now. I’m trying to hold onto my values and stay true to my character, but I feel like I’m constantly confronted with a mirror to the ugly parts of me that I can never shake off. I’m strongly considering Psychedelic Assisted Psychotherapy along with a DBT program. I wish I wasn’t so difficult and just shut up and cope with everything. But it’s all flooding out into all facets of my life.

All I'm seeing is how love is scarce and conditional, barely anyone sees the humanity in my pain, I'm having trouble surviving in a world where I'm always deemed as difficult for my internal world. I just cried at work yesterday and I’m so embarrassed. I was tearing up and my manager noticed and asked me if I needed space or to talk. They said crying at work is not to be frowned upon and they don’t judge. But I cried at the office. My old roommate/friend would judge me so hard for not masking hard enough. It’s just that my life had been falling apart for so long, especially not too long before this new job contract I have at the moment. And getting accepted here was a bit of a saving grace. And now that I’ve met new people who understand me and can be friends with at work, and I actually like the work I do? It just feels too good to be true after I wrecked so many good friendships and opportunities just before this. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of redemption. I’ve been living with so much pain and it hurts even more when it bleeds in my day to day life affecting the relationships around me. I’m bad shit crazy and people are starting to realize it. I have so much to give and barely anyone appreciates me enough to stay. How can I protect myself from getting too attached and start being less codependent. Like this guy I casually dated 20 months ago came into my life to pursue me and consistently notice the little details about me and made an effort but just to get close to me and once he got too close he ran. I was so prepared for him to leave at any moment and then I just gave in and trusted him but then that's the exact moment he flipped the script. Like I need to be more manipulative so people stop fucking with me. I'm tired of this shit. He would text me so many messages back and forth and every time he'd take a little longer to respond, he'd come back saying he's so sorry and he hopes I'm not overthinking, like what the fuck, he was a virgin and inexperienced and yet he took advantage of me and none of this makes sense, like I wasn't fucking overthinking but should I have been? He was so consistent until he wasn't. Whenever I feel like I'm doing good, it feels like I'm lying and shoving the trauma under the rug. Like people don't know the shit that I've done and it makes me feel dishonest.

You already know what the psychiatrist is gonna say, "don't do drugs," but I've never been more drawn to do it more than ever. Life feels so unbearable without a favourite person. I've driven away almost all of the friends that have remotely cared just because I’ve prioritized people who didn’t care in the first place. I can’t lie to myself, life would feel so much better if I had a favourite person who actually stayed. I’m doing all the stuff that matters like going to work and school, working towards stability through routine. I’m literally going insane, but it seems like a sort of contained insanity, not like that’s any better. The only reason why I’m still here basically is because first, I’m scared to die. I’ve had so many attempts but I always fail on purpose. Second, I’m still waiting for the one to save me. Why would someone grow a stubble for me before a first date because they knew I liked it? Why would he hold my hand in his pocket to keep it warm? Why would we message so much; over 30 messages back and forth. Oh that’s just a part of “dating"? What does he know about dating? He was a virgin. I'm so sorry. I don't wanna be bitter and negative anymore. But all of my mistakes are catching back up to me. I want to tell my friends I love them but they won't give me the time of day anymore. I should've been more grateful when I had the chance to show it. I want to be normal. Why can't I just hide my pain better. 9-8-8 and the emergency department probably scoff now when they see me. The nurse or whoever even told me "this isn't 24 hour therapy, you'd be better off at home." And my dad doesn't even want me in his life. He rather blow his government money away on gambling. Not even blood inclines people to stay. I feel like I'm losing grip of my virtues, values, dignity and integrity all at once. People are judging me based on one of the most traumatic parts of my life. And I don't care anymore, I'm giving them more fuel to judge me. The remaining friends I do have, don't know what happened and it just feels like I'm being dishonest to them. But every time I told someone, they just leave. I'm at a crossroads every single day. No amount of "just get busier", "go for a walk", or "get a hobby" type of talk will fix me. I've tried and tried, but the only thing I know is failure.

I’m starting to just give into my impulsive thoughts. I’m still working on myself, my career. But my mental health is really deteriorating. I’m starting to not care about whether something is good for me, like an old yet available friendship or like the title says, breaking no contact after over a year. My whole life I spend so much time fighting obsessive rumination on things of the past. I remember too much. I just wanna forget. But I was getting better. But then I lost a bunch of friends, including those of 17 years. I lost my creative career opportunity. But I’m still working on a more stable career path right now so I’m not completely at rock bottom. But I just feel like so much has been taken away because of this one relationship. So much pain and so little closure. I’m literally begging the universe to give me this one thing. I’ve tried everything, therapy, meds, no contact, no memories, but the whole city is tainted. Everywhere and everything reminds me of him. I’m too weak to fight off his ghost. He keeps haunting me. I keep looking at the sky praying to whatever’s out there to just give me a little reassurance that I’m still valued.

I (24M) am diagnosed with BPD, ADHD and FED. My chronic loneliness and constant need for external validation has always held me back. I’ve been in and out of the hospital. The people in my life have been recently dropping like flies, even my own family. I’m losing my goddamn mind. My friends across friend groups have started ignoring me and with some it’s been weeks and for others it’s been months. At this point, I know when my presence isn’t valued. I no longer have a constant in my life, no favourite person. It’s driving me mad. People just love to disrespect me and my time. I’ve even lost the hospital as a safe harbour now. A nurse called me cowardly for wanting to kill myself, and I told another and she said it was their opinion. And every single hospital in the city sends me to that one cause it’s the major mental health hospital here. I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have one year left of my undergrad, and I just wanna work full time and have a proper routine to work towards some sort of stability. I wanna be the same busy that my friends are where they always leave me on read or delivered. I’m tired of being bitter. I wanna be smiling and thriving just as the next person. People don’t wanna be friends with a debbie downer.

I (24M) am starting to notice that basically almost all my friends are starting to ignore me, across friend groups. My middle school friends are starting to ignore me in the group chat and their private messages. This one friend in college, she's been ignoring my texts and calls for three months now. My friends from this one job I had, that group chat left me on read when I tried making conversation. This other friend she's also been not picking up my calls or texts. I can't help but feel disrespected. It's easy for people to say to stop entertaining one-sided friendships, but why is it basically most of my circles. I have basically no constants in my life anymore. I'm alone now. Time and time again, I just feel like my emotional needs are looked over and I just build up this resentment. I've been feeling so angry. But I don't wanna be bitter. I want to put this energy back into myself and keep on building a life where people will want to be around me. But I'm basically always going through some internal battle. People keep leaving and I don't want to do.

I (24M) am kind of hitting a low point in my life. Most of my friends seem to be ignoring me. I thought maybe they're busy and bad texters, but when 3 months pass that's when I know my presence isn't valued. And my dad and his side of the family: my uncle and my cousin don't want to talk to me anymore. I tried to get closer to them, but too much has been strained from my dad's schizophrenia and gambling addiction. I didn't wanna keep giving my dad money to feed his addiction and he stopped reaching out to me. I seem to have too many problems. I'm often in crisis; always in and out of the hospital. So many people have walked out of my life because of the pain that I feel all the time. I just want to feel valued for my time and my efforts. I also left a toxic living situation with my ex-friend who showed a transactional mindset and was highly nihilistic. He once told me, "I could never work in the mental health field. If a girl came up to me and told me she wanted to kill herself because her boyfriend broke up with her, I would be like "Here's the gun, you don't deserve to live, because there are far worse things to be worried about."" I can't help but think he was indirectly talking about me. My recent situationship broke up with me while I was overseas two weeks away from coming home. He said he saw my recent self-harm scars and said he wouldn't be able to take care of me when I'm in crisis! I didn't even ask him to save me! I'm not some angel. I deal with violent intrusive thoughts that are fueled by auditory hallucinations and vivid delusions. I'm running out of reasons to live to be honest. I feel like my value to so dependent on external validation. The only thing that feels worth living for is finding someone special to spend the rest of my days with. But I can't do that when I'm always dealing with shit! It seems like I'll never get out of this rut! I went to the hospital for this stuff and I was pleading to a nurse asking for help! I said I wanted to die but he said that would be the cowardly thing to do! I told another nurse and she said that's their opinion! They encouraged me to just get discharged and I left so angry and invalidated. I lost the hospital as a viable place to seek support, because every hospital I go to sends me to that one because it's the major psychiatric hospital in the city. I lost my support system, from friends/family to the actual mental health professionals. Losing my friend/roommate was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My life was so intertwined with his, and even though it was toxic, I had a constant in my life. Someone who I was always near to help aide with my chronic loneliness. Maybe he was right. He said it... "You would never survive without me."

For context, I’m an MLM Asian guy and I’m talking to a White guy who’s exactly my type: tall, fit, nerdy, with a moustache, and who loves hiking. It feels vastly different from my previous relationship with another Asian guy. Walking down the street holding hands as two racialized queer men doesn’t feel as safe as holding hands with a 6’4.5” white man. It makes me feel safer and reduces the likelihood of being targeted for hate crimes. I’m essentially seen as White by association. People will start seeing me as less of a target and more as his accessory. Sure, he might be painfully unaware of my experiences as a person of colour, even slipping up occasionally with microaggressions, but you just have to be patient. When he asks me for travel tips to Asia in countries I’m unfamiliar with or makes assumptions based on my race, I just giggle.

Any gays who are into shoegaze/grunge/indie rock/emo like wisp, quannnic, julia wolf, whatsaheart, jane remover etc etc? Just curious tbh.

Any gays who are into shoegaze/grunge/indie rock/emo like wisp, quannnic, julia wolf, whatsaheart, jane remover etc etc? Just curious tbh.

I (24M, Asian twunk vers btm) love CMNM (being the nude one ofc), but it seems like it’s a pretty niche kink. I think it’s so hot how a completely nude guy in his most vulnerable state is being taking advantage of by a completely clothed guy, especially when they’re significantly taller and are wearing office wear/business casual/suits. Like he’s working from home, in a meeting, turns off his camera and unzips his pants and I just sit on it mid call. I feel like guys would take it as a jab at them insisting on having them fully clothed. I have it in my Sniffies profile, but zilch.

For example, one of my past relationships, after we had sex, I was still ready for another round, but he didn’t have it in him to go again. He got dressed but I stayed naked touching myself in front of him. He came over and wrapped his arms around me and played with my nipples as I was tryna cum again. Something about the fabric of someone else’s clothes on my bare skin just gets me going. One of my biggest nuts for sure.

I feel like this is a kink that you introduce later down the road with someone you’ve been seeing for a while. Just thinking out loud tbh.