u/WaysideWyvern

I’m so confused because like, at the beginning, I was much sicker. But somehow, I had all my mental faculties. I was actually remembering everything quite vividly. But after a year of severe ME, just recently I got completely scatterbrained. Like, just slow. SO slow. I keep embarrassing myself, making obvious mistakes, misunderstanding things, forgetting stuff. I’m scared cause I was always so grateful to still have my faculties even despite all my other neuro symptoms. Somethings just felt very not right. It started around whne I began taking Ketotifen but I’ve stopped taking that now and it’s still happening. I feel like I’m 85 but I’m only 23. Will it just get worse and worse? It is neurodigeneraton? Or just regular Brian fog that can be reversed? I’ve always had adhd which can create forgetfulness but this has been like full on taking multiple minutes to access a memory or not remembering something recent happened till I’m reminded it happened

I keep seeing people on Instagram or on here and all anyone will talk about is how much they hate Milo’s mustache. But I feel like I’m going insane cause it genuinely does not bother me at all 😭 I think he looks good?? He still looks like Flynn to me. Just a different version of him.

I mean, I have SO MANY concerns about the movie. SO MANY. But the mustache just isn’t one of them at all. I think it suits him? Idk I just feel like I’m in a different planet.

Not completely. Because I don’t have traits like FPs or manipulative/people pleasing tendencies. And I don’t have identity problems really. But it’s made me super sensitive and upset all the time and the way I feel reminds me of the way my BPD friends talk and react to things. Like just soooo upset and hurt and mad at the tiniest things. So easily activated. It started around the time I started taking LDN too so maybe that’s involved?

Like, for example, I was asking for advice somewhere about getting out of a horrible depression rut, and someone commented “the best thing you can do is get up to see the sunrise every day. This is the most important thing, do this and you will slowly feel better.” And I felt SO MAD. Because I have DSPD and it genuinely wouldn’t make me feel better. But I also feel mad because I love sunrises, and my whole life I’ve felt upset that I cannot wake up every morning to watch them. So I hate that it’s being rubbed in my face. And I get angry because I’m already imagining some bullshit response where she tells me that I’m wrong, and that I could change this thing about myself if I just tried hard enough, even though I was forced to sleep and wake like that for school for my whole life and it made me sooo unwell. Because I have a different natural cycle. I felt so angry and upset. I started crying and wrote a slightly defensive response and downvoted her comment and then took away my downvote in guilt because i knew she didn’t deserve it. I know she was technically trying to help but I can’t even feel grateful I’m just mad. I’m still upset. I feel upset that I cant guarantee that she’ll respond and say she understands. I need to be understood. It’s actually ridiculous how much it upset me. It usually fades when I step away but a feeling like ive just been drained replaces the frustration/anger.

In my old life, I would’ve just said “I wish I could, but I have DSPD, so it wouldn’t be healthy for me :(“ and literally not thought about it again.

This type of thing happens multiple times a day. Never at things irl but online constantly. I feel crazy. I hate that feeling of anger/frustration. It’s always when I’m being misunderstood that I get like this. I cannot STAND being misunderstood it just makes me want to scream and smash my phone. Ofc I don’t do those things, I just cry but it’s unbearable. I don’t understand why this is happening to me.

At this point my sleep schedule is falling asleep around 8am-12pm and waking around 2-6pm. What this means is that around 11pm is like my “afternoon,” and I’ve always been an afternoon nap kind of person. But it’s 11pm so it feels like I shouldn’t nap. But maybe if I just start giving into the napping instinct, I can turn my “nap” back into my night sleep, and my daytime sleep into my nap again? Or is that gonna backfire somehow.

I genuinely do not feel human anymore. My mind is a dopamine craving fuse with nothing but a sucking endless hunger for a year and a half’s worth of good experiences that I did not get to have. It’s like a debt of endorphines. I am going absolutely stir crazy. I spend ALL day switching between 10+ different chats and posts on the internet. I check my notifications hundreds of a day. I watch videos when I’m not doing that. Before I was sick, I could handle being alone so long as I could go out and walk, take myself places, see nature. I liked it back then. But I cannot be alone like this. In these same walls I’ve been confined to.

When I try to quit my phone, I crash. When I go outside, I crash. When I see friends, which I barely have, I crash. I’m truly no longer human I am just a broken machine for consumption. It’s changing my personality. I feel so activated and upset all the time, and so sensitive. I try to do other things but my mind will not engage. I try to read books but it’s too hard. I try to do meditation and regulation activities but the sucking need for dopamine wins every time. My body doesn’t even know how to put up a fight anymore. I was doing better a few months ago. Now I am more trapped than ever. No energy to keep up with all my pills, and diet. Or my dehumidifier, or cleaning for dust mites. Everything gone. I have no sense of time. My memory is worsening. I cannot take SSRIs so please do not suggest. I am already in therapy but there is only so much they can help with. I genuinely don’t think I can stand the isolation any longer. But anytime I try to break it I am bedridden. People say to meditate, to do hobbies, etc. but this burning sucking hunger for dopamine and connection is too all-consuming.

This happened to me around the 1.5 year mark of covid lockdown too. The exact same dehumanized feeling. But how did I get out of that? I went back into the world. Because it was opening up again. And I got better. I can’t do that now. It’s horrifying. I’m at a loss. It’s so unbearable this is inhumane it’s pure cosmic cruelty. I haven’t been to a friend’s house. Or a coffee shop. Or a play. A movie, a library, a park. I’m just a vessel for algorithms to feed on. How do I escape.

I was a late bloomer and didn’t experience a relationship until I was 19. I had longed for one since I was 11. It was always what I dreamed about and idly fantasized about. I loved having crushes cause it made life so exciting. Obviously it’s not the main point of my life but it’s something i always cared about. When I finally gained the courage to start dating, as an adult, it made life so fun. Getting to flirt, to feel desirable, to get to know people on such a deep level, to have that type of physical intimacy. Even though I didn’t actually date that much, I just enjoyed having it be something I was pursuing, and I dreamed of deep romantic love.

But now I’ve come into a very serious health situation where there is no way to date. It will likely be many years until I improve, if I do at all. (EDIT: to make very clear this condition is severe. I cannot walk, often cannot speak, and every day it is a struggle just to eat. It is like being on chemotherapy but for years on end. I am desiring advice on how to deal with being single, not how to find companionship. Companionship is not an option)There is no way to even have crushes because unfortunately I am confined to my home and never see anyone. I do not even have the energy to see friends nearly at all. I have had to make peace with the loss of everything in my life. Other things, are much easier to make peace with. No work? Spend your energy on getting disability pay. No hobbies? Find super slow ones to replace it. No socialization? Chat with people online. But there is nothing to replace the desire for romantic feelings and experiences. I can read romance stories and try my best to foster my platonic relationships but it that only does so much. Please don’t downvote me, I posted this somewhere else and they all downvoted me and I don’t even know why. I’m really struggling with this and I feel like that’s understandable so it just really hurts.

I was a late bloomer and didn’t experience a relationship until I was 19. I had longed for one since I was 11. It was always what I dreamed about and idly fantasized about. I loved having crushes cause it made life so exciting. When I finally gained the courage to start dating, as an adult, it made life so fun. Getting to flirt, to feel desirable, to get to know people on such a deep level, to have so much fun. Even though I didn’t actually date that much, I just enjoyed having it be something I was pursuing, it was always a focus in my life that kept my spark alive. And I dreamed of deep romantic love.

But now I’ve come into a very serious health situation where there is no way to date. There is no way to even have crushes because unfortunately I am confined to my home and never see anyone. I do not even have the energy to see friends nearly at all. I have had to make peace with the loss of everything in my life. Other things, are much easier to make peace with. No work? Spend your energy on getting disability pay. No hobbies? Find super slow ones to replace it. No socialization? Chat with people online. But there is nothing to replace the desire for romantic feelings and experiences, and so I just ache with it every day, this deep yearning, that I know I can do nothing about. It would help even just to have a crush but there is just no one. I feel less alone than I ever have. Fantasy has stopped working because it’s been so long now that I’ve had anything to spark a fantasy. I just have this feeling like this is the time in my life when I’m supposed to be experiencing these things and I don’t know how to find peace without it. Like the standard advice is to work on yourself and build your friendships and all that but what do you do with the deep nagging longing and sadness?

I feel like I’m not in my body and like I’m back in high school and everything that I feared about myself that I’m worried and not normal and broken and gross is all true.

I made a post on one of those dairy entry style subs about a crush I had and how I realized recently that I still really cared for the person even though our lives had moved apart and it was bittersweet. I thought it was normal stuff because that’s always the type of thing people post on there but all the comments were immediately telling me that the way I talked about them was gross and dehumanizing. I called my crush a “soft little autistic guy grumpy cat man.” I thought it was funny and that it would read as obvious friendly endearment because the premise was that we’d been good friends and were familiar with each other. And that’s literally what he is 😭 maybe it’s the “little” part but his literal catchphrase was “I’m just a little guy.” All of those things are literally how he described himself. But when I explained that that’s just how my friends and I all talk to each other and that we’re all autistic they just downvoted me more. And when I asked what I did wrong precisely they didn’t answer.

I’m trying to figure out if there’s actually something wrong with me and how I see other people or if this is just people being mean girls. One person said “leave him alone” as if I would be a danger to someone even though the whole post was literally about how I would never see him again and was ultimately okay with that because our lives had diverged and I was just reflecting on it being bittersweet. I’m sobbing in my bed I feel so disgusting and dirty now and so full of self hatred I just don’t know what to do.

*Does it

Okay so I’ve been struggling with dizziness/vertigo ever since I became ill, it does ebb and flow a bit but it’s always there.

For a lot time I was unable to ride in a car, but now I can handle about an hour without much issue. And I’ve recently discovered that as far as the dizziness, I have no trouble riding a bike. Like biking actually almost makes me feel *less* dizzy. But I can’t actually do that as a transportation method because the physical exertion will cause PEM.

Recently I got an electric wheelchair. I was so excited but I’m sad to discover that it makes incredibly dizzy. It feels like playing a video game. Even when I was a child I could not play video games because they made me feel so dizzy. I’m sad :( the fact that biking doesn’t trigger it at all makes me think it must have something to do with the fact that my inner ear is confused that I’m not moving my body. But cars are more okay which I’m also not moving in, so…?

Just wondering if anyone had this and found that your brain adjusted. I love the chair and would like to keep it but this has me very discouraged. It make me want to hop up and walk or get on a bike just to rid myself of the feeling, but I can’t do those things with severe CFS. Please do not suggest a power assist manual chair. I’ve looked into it and there is no possible way for me to afford it or search for an affordable one right now.

I’m disabled so I can’t go to stores in person but I want to get these girls so bad 😭 I’ve been checking target, Walmart, and Amazon online every day but no luck. Does anyone know if target would have them irl even if they don’t show up as being in stock at my location online?

I’ve been extremely severe in the past so don’t anyone lecture me about how much worse it can get. I have experienced fatigue so bad it is functional paralysis. I have experienced malnutrition due to inability to physically eat or digest. I have experienced things worse that I cannot even write. Nobody need lecture me about how dangerous it is. You think my adhd cares? There is no object permanence. There is no later there is only now in my mind. Right now I’m upset and I’m crying and I’m gonna not sleep again and probably eat an ice cream bar that’s full of histamine and sugar, all that shit I can’t have.

I cant do the work. It’s like it always goes with adhd. You’re good and you do the routine until you just stop being able to one day. I was good for a whole year, that’s probably the longest I’ve ever kept up good habits. I ate the stupid awful diet that made me feel better, I paced, for the first 6 months I slept, I took my pills. I cant do it anymore. Something changed and now I cant do it. I cant keep track and I cant handle it, I just cant do it, I cant get help because getting help still feels like doing it. I’ll spend my dwindling funds on DoorDash of food I’m not even supposed to eat until I have enough money to my name and fully regress into the child I basically am, entirely relying on my parents who already pay my bills and do my laundry and clean my space and drive me everywhere. And I’ll never get better cause I’ll never learn to stop seeing my limitations as punishment that I must rebel against and I’ll never stop resending it or hating myself for it no matter how much positivity and compassion people preach that I must feel. My body is and always has been I kind of self annihilating oxymoron destined to destroy itself and any fight I’ve ever felt has been a temporary mirage only there long enough for me to stabilize so that I can start abusing it again. Says the girl who’s never had a sip of alcohol or taken any recreational drug or binge eaten or had casual sex. But with CFS, watching a movie is like getting shit faced drunk, staying up all night is like shooting heroine, laughing with your friends is like indulging a sex addiction and scrolling instagram is your daily cigs. And eating normal food is like chugging sugar and poison.

Most of the posts on this sub are about symptoms of personality disorders and have nothing to do with HSP. Many people seem to mistake symptoms and behaviors that have nothing to do with HSP as being about HSP when they are in fact describing personality disorders. You can of course have both but a lot of what is being discussed here is most likely BPD and it’s frustrating because I don’t have BPD but I am a HSP and I wish there was a place for me to get true peer support but that does not seem the best here because this just seems to be a bunch of people with BPD symptoms and social problems.

This is not a real life. This is not a way any human can actually live. My body rots as the world around me dies.

I just mean trying. I don’t know if I can. I think I might spend all my money, eat lots of junk food, and do too much till I crash and get so sick. Only then my family has to caretake me and they don’t need the stress. So I shouldn’t. But I feel like being selfish and doing it anyways because I cannot exist like this I just can’t. I cannot do this anymore I just can’t, the nightmare needs to fucking lift now, it’s been long enough okay I’m ready to wake up and go back to just having the usual daily chronic pain and insomnia, I cannot handle all this other stuff.

I say generally because I have severe CFS and he works and cooks and goes on long bike rides and is generally functional. I am unable to do anything more than lay in a couch. He DOES however have horrible adhd, chronic migraines, random parts of his body swells up and gets horribly painful, bad sleep, and random food rashes, identical to mine, which is how I know he has it too. His grandpa had it too. The same random rashes that couldn’t be placed to anything specific besides sometimes tomatoes and sometimes seafood, but mostly random.

But like, clearly I have the same as whatever he has, and although he has those issues, he manages to live happily. Certainly you could never convince him to give up his hot sauce and fish and blue cheese and mushrooms and coffee, those are like his favorite foods. My favorite foods were yogurt and miso soup and tofu and pickles, I’ve given them up and I’m fucking miserable, and still sick. I’m left feeling confused. How important is it really? My dad has never gone into anaphylaxis. Neither have I, I just get mild hives sometimes and have this feeling like the inside of one side of my skull is itchy and severe neuro issues from my CFS. Oh and terrible rosacea like gruesome.

I’m currently taking Zyrtec and just started Ketotifen. I’m worried about the harmful long term effects but I just really want my life back. My dad had a mystery illness that he treated with an snri when he was my age. I just can’t puzzle it out. I want some yogurt and a pickle so goddamn bad

Maybe I’m being paranoid but I’ve got health issues and I’m worried about that parasite I keep hearing about in the news on fresh produce. Using local farms is supposed to help with that. I’m wondering if there are any local places that specifically use local produce?

Mr. Collins. Is. Younger. Than. Mr. Wickham.

Or at the very least the same age. WHY can nobody ever get this right?? 😭

Wickham is the creep. Collins is just very socially inept and obnoxious. I just recently went and checked the casting for that new Netflix adaptation and rolled my eyes so hard they left my skull. Collins’ actor is 38 and Wickham is 24. Bruh.

You know what the worst part is is that when *I* got to cast *my own* stage adaptation of P&P, we had to go with a younger Wickham and an older Collins, just due to logistics and chemistry reads. I couldn’t even fix this problem when I had my own frigging chance 😭

God bless Lizzie Bennet Diaries for being the one adaptation I know that actually got that right. The two actors in that are actually both very believably 25 and 27-28ish

This is a dumb post

I’m upset that I can’t watch subtitled television anymore. It used to come naturally no different than watching something in English. Now my brain can’t keep up. Don’t suggest dubs instead I hate dubbed shows and most don’t even have them. I just wanna watch my thai gl this isn’t fair 😭😭😭

I live I Santa Cruz, CA. Every time I mention this to any integrative medicine practitioner they go “oh…yeah that’ll do it.” It’s a fog bank. Every house has mold. The air has mold. The fruit on our trees molds instead of rots when it falls. When I go outside my house when it’s foggy, which is more often than not, my clothes come back damp. And what’s worse, the pollen is horrible too, so spending time outside doesn’t actually make my symptoms better.

So where am I supposed to move? I know my city is a problem, but where am I supposed to go instead? I don’t want to just move somewhere with the exact same problem. Preferably somewhere affordable and I’m California. Anything is more affordable than Santa Cruz.