u/Z3N1TY

Ok so. im a 15 year old aroace demigirl, becoming 16 in a couple months. Ive been playing roblox for what is about to become 10 years. I have not committed any offense to any children on the platform, nor will i ever. Very important info, i do not get tempted to or even think abt doing that either. I just wanna play games and chat w/ ppl my age.

However, when i was abt 12, i developed a fear of being a pedophile, and i looked up the legal criteria for it. what it said what you had to be 16 and the age gap had to be 6 or more years. And for some reason, i took it to mean "less than 6yr age gap is okay". so i started masturbating to thoughts of my 9yo self. I didnt do anything to my 9yo self in these thoughts i just imagined myself as her. I dontlike talking abt it because it fucking haunts me so i wont go into more detail abt it. But bc i believed the 6yr gap thing, it continued until i was 14 (and 4 months). It was then i looked deeper into ethics and learned it was wrong. This is probably one of if not THE worst thing ive ever done and i think abt it every day

Important context, i did not see other children that age in a sexual way and still dont. Just my younger self which i VERY quickly lost interest in when i learned it was wrong. It was never that important to me so i had no issues dropping it. And i have never thought or fantasized abt anything that again. now im scared playing roblox in public servers (or at all) is unethical. When i play, i usually play alone when i can. In the few times i am social, i stick to ppl who i think/know are older and mainly socialize in games where i know the demogrphic is closer to my age (like nostalgia games). I never EVER talk abt anything inappropriate when I play either. I dont dm people and im very careful to add ppl my age. I recently turned my chat off for a while. Again i dont get temptations at all but im scared its unethical anyway.

Am i being unethical by playing like this? Im very scared. Thanks so much!

edit: why are you guys liking without commenting? im nervous

edit 2: I forgot to clarify i havent been sa'd or groomed. I was seen in weird ways when i was 8 but it had nothing to do with this and it didnt leave much of a stain. Tho i will say i did start my period at 9 and my periods were really heavy, and i felt dirty. Idk if that was enough to cause this tho… but i did feel older than i actually was at that age

curious cuz i just got here

hi, im a 15yo demigirl who is aroace.

When i was 12-14 i imagined my 9 year old self while masturbating. i was told pedophilia is if youre 16 and the age gap is 6 years or more. my 12 yo brain took this as to mean if i liked less than 6 year gap it was ok. i was dealing w/ severe Pocd and created this fantasy (i hate calling it that) as an escape bc i thought it was ok. this went on until i was 14, when i realized both bc of my internal discomfort and reading up more abt whats ok, that the fantasy was wrong. i immediately lost interest and havent went back to it since. i am no longer attracted to thoughts of my 9yo self i dont even understand how it happened. im 15 now for erefernce Ill be 16 in a couple months. i was never into any other kid age 9 either and im still not. now heres the thing: i often play Roblox and use discord and tiktok. is this unethical? i dont interact with young users i mostly play roblox alone in vip servers. if i do feel social i keep the topic strictly pg and i NEVER private message ppl I have it turned off rn. am I being inherently irresponsible by playing roblox like this? on tiktok i also just try to stay around ppl my age. i have crippling guilt from what i did when i was 12-14 it bugs me everyday. i also block (and report if the site is 13+) younger users. so much!

edit: i always try to be better, i talk to shorespace and a lot and im very careful abt not causing harm. Ppl who have hurt children can rot in hell. The attraction i had was kinda weak and i got over it fast, so i dont look at lolisho (gross) or anything else. I often play dandys world, catalog avatar, etc alone. I do not get temptations when i play roblox with others tho. I am not here to flaunt it around i feel remorse and im asking for reassurance from ppl who hate weirdos as much as i do. I have not masturbed to this fantasy again, and i dont think abt it either. I dont play roblox to peeve i genuinely like the games and have played since before i was 12.

Ill go first: im scared my platonic interest in horror is actually inappropriate and that im a proshipper.

title. It felt toxic and he was gaslighting her i think ("you keep assuming things that didnt happen" abt something that very much did)

like every rival is either not in a club or a club leader. Feels like stupid lazy writing imo

every fucking day man. every fucking day.

i feel like a tiny decision will cause me to lose my interests forever.

a little thought will cause me to lose my interests forever.

i even analyze the specific feelings i feel. not even the actual intentions (100% platonic), but the specific… vibe? idk. i analyze that. and i get scared its something inappropriate. even tho it clearly isnt.

so i have a special interest in a specific thing rn, its like a weird murder sideplot that isnt the main focus of the game (if you know what short my pfp is from you already know what im talking abt). for the record people often ship the victim with the guy who wants(!! not is) to kill him. and i HATE that ship. i want nothing to do with it. anyway so i analyzed the vibe of my feelings over and over and got scared my interest in this whole side plot thing isnt platonic. Not sexual per se but like what if its romantic or alterous. even tho im pretty sure its not at all. i genuinely almost had an actual panic attack? anxiety attack? idk what it is over this. i get scared thinking "this feels pretty intense could it be something wrong??!!!". btw i am autistic. i also get scared thinking what if someone thinks i like it romantically(?!)/alterously (that doesnt even make sense but okay?) and because they said that thats insight on myself and somehow factually correct now?!!! i want to ignore these anxious thoughts but im scared its dangerous to…

iget spirals that send me into BADDDD BADD episodes of anxiety every single day. not just abt this just in general. sometimes i get more than one of these episodes every day. i nearly vomited last night to the point of going into the bathroom (did not end up vomiting). im currently on 20mg of an antidepressant that can also treat GAD (which i also have), but idk if ocd gets treated too until higher doses thats what google said…

sometiems i wish i could have peace. even though im terrified of death. Not the first time ocd pushed me into having these thoughts. Idk i should speak to my psychologist.

edit: Im feeling better bc i think i would consciously know if i had weird intentions toward it. Which I dont.