u/bisceau

Not even low effort men. It's stupid as fuck. having a boyfriend is all I daydream about because my mind just won't give up. I'm aware it's unrealistic to think I'd ever have one because when I look in the mirror I have to consider suicide, until I dissociate enough again not to mind it. I can see why I have reverse body dysmorphia, how else would I tolerate living. No friends. It sounds irrational but I can't see why live if I won't ever experience "love", aka attachment and mutual attraction. No amount of logic alleviates this.

I've heard trash talk about me from relatives so I've fasted for a few days. But when I used to have friends I would binge. When I feel loved or have company, I binge. When I feel hated, I cannot eat. Anyone else?

Because of the world we live in and how we're born is it not inevitable. I have realised it's very unrealistic to expect depression to go away fully. As long as I can take care of myself and eventually sustain myself financially, I'm not going to ask too much of myself. True happiness or being "cured" depression is only possible for those whose values happen to align with society's.

My therapist always argued me into believing her opinions. Once I was convinced, she just flipped the story. "I never said so." She'd tell me her opinions are objective so I should believe her. Next session she would go "But they're just my opinions? Why does it matter?"

She'd give me advice, then bully me for following through.

Everything that I said made me feel good, she'd criticize, and then I'd stop doing it. I could see her liking me less and less as time went by. Nothing to destroy in me anymore so no fun?

Do the anhedonia, metabolic changes and the rest not get to them? Talking about especially those who love their drugs and not those who want to not use them. Do they not get suicidal? Are some people more or less sensitive. I knew people on antipsychotics and antidepressants who never complained about anhedonia, cognitive issues, other stuff. Seemed like normal people. Whereas one antidepressant was unbearable to me, I was a very different person. Do they just roll with it, do they notice, do they have side effects.

I've made a boy blush in school when I was talking to him and staring in his eyes. I don't know if I was just ultra creepy, because he started avoiding me as fuck after that incident. A guy in mental hospital would say hello for a week, I wouldn't respond because I thought it was a troll. We hung out, he clocked my autism and there it ended. A guy in psychosis asked my snap too. That was 3 years ago. I used to have older men make small talk on walks.

It's like I'm the only one who cares about me and that's beautiful. Can observe others from a distance. It's painful as hell though. I hate people and I'm more content having imaginary friends. I wonder what atrocities have I commit to deserve this kind of life, and if it's going to pay off. Despised by everyone, meaning, they don't want to see me at all. I love invisibility though because it's like I have exit the world already.

Might be a niche, but I typically tend to go for creative or woke people. I'm put off when people describe their beliefs as having been symptoms of some psychiatric diagnosis. "I have these paranoid distorted feelings," and it's them describing feeling unstoppable and on top of the world. "I have depression and medication restores my chemical balance," and I run. I just know these people cannot think.

I have met people who will borrow the psychiatry juridical babble: "Please do not hurt yourself, please put sharp objects away" if I say I'm tired. Worst of them are these little psychiatry culture mimicks who repeat, "You need therapy," "You haven't found the right medication."

Trying results in misery. Who is there to numb yourself with medication for? To function and to pretend, only to stick out for trying too hard to belong. Who is there to solve your alleged mistrust for and who are the ones bothered by it? These people are more bothered by my existence than my withdrawal. These people actually, want to help you to get you out of their sight, they hate hearing you talk.

I'm not going to evade my responsibility so it's not about being lazy, I'll study and get a job as long as I live. But I don't care if I'm miserable. There's no ways to make yourself happy, I won't ever experience attraction based relationships or friendship. For being this way I am.

What would I even look forward to if not for binges. What would i be upset about if not for binges. What plans would I even have if not for compensation and weight loss. Would I live in a void if I weren't too full or too starving. That's why I never succeed in normal eating. If I fixed this, next there will be my entire life to fix.

I would shower and take care of myself for the sake of caring for myself. Currently see no point. Unless I have someone to impress. It's been long since I thought about this. Are there resources for learning this skill

Then I get a tiny release of dopamine. I open dms and there's no one. Then I see it again. Repeat.

People are annoyed by whatever behaviour because they still regard you as a person and have expectations for you. They see the human, recognise you're going through emotions and have agency. You're shunned for being too embarrassing, emotional, not fitting in.

If you tell them you have a medical diagnosis that for some reason, is seen as explaining all your behavior, thoughts, and feelings. Friends start wondering who they actually knew. Everyone leaves you alone because they no longer see a human being there if like your psychiatrist, you say that you're not a human being. Nothing to poke at either.

Why some people won't validate your diagnosis is because they still believe in you and see you. When people are educated about "mental health issues" it might look like understanding and acceptance increases but really the general people are using it to pick who to objectify and other.

Not only are you deviant to others but it's "scientifically" confirmed through diagnosis that you're abnormal, and that becomes your reality, if you buy into it.

For the last 3 years I've bought my binge food from this local supermarket. I go every week, 1~3 times. I wear the exact same black jacket, black cap, black pants, blonde hair out. I go at night right before the store closes and I'm often the last customer.

I always buy the same thing. 2 protein bars, ice cream, 4 packs of cookies. Stuffing in my too small a purse and then putting the rest in my pockets. Is it not fucking odd to them. The cashiers are often the same people. Do i look like a monster

This might be a niche experience but I was thinking maybe you people smell moldy food you've put away. When trying to fall asleep. I forget food under my bed. And have to dispose of it with gloves and tissue taped on my face. There has to be someone who relates

I don't know of a good sub to post this to. Days ago randomly becoming an entirely different person operating in my head and doing the thinking. The visions dont align with my current life goals much, they're about musical success, when I have never done music. I haven't been able to go back to how things were before. It's like my identity was swapped or I'm being drugged. Weird people. Also the same days repeat looped. Ive felt better than ever and have lost the anxieties I had before. But I think I died in some way before it happened

Probably not fit for this sub but. Is anyone else very disgusted by the male body. All type of bellies, their hips, armpits. Their lack of meat in the lower body (frog butt). Voice, I cannot listen to male artists unless there is another artistic reason like performance, image, etc. Their smell. Their sharp and loud movement. Their rectangle figure, which looks all right on women though. This hurts nobody but me though, I don't have men lined up waiting to date me.

These traits look very fine on fictional men

The boundaries between normal eating and a binge confuse me. Obviously, I know what a binge is. That is, after I've binged. I can binge 5000 calories of real food, these happen when I try to eat normally and start binging. 10 000 calories of junk food. Junk binges I plan. With being addicted to something else, if it were, say, a certain substance, at least I'd know to abstain from it fully and count any serving as giving in.

I'll probably need to put time into defining these for myself.

My fantasy/type is pretty stacyish....... blonde or black long hair, intelligent, emotionally wrecked enough to understand, taller than me, long/oval face, medium nose, smell OK. My limerent object fit that frame. Obviously, I'll date someone who does not fit that box or only has few of those traits ie. intelligence or emotional depth. I hate having to die alone.

They'll run to you and come lick, hump, touch you unprompted. It fucking sucks. It does not feel less bad than when a human does it. I want to go on my walks without being touched. The size doesn't matter, they all feel horrible but especially if it's a big one. Not to mention when they go to your ass or crotch. I screamed when a small one ran to me today. Why should I assume it wouldn't bite. I don't want any physical contact with them. Of course it was funny for the owners.