u/bookkinkster

Got my period today and had zero appetite. I think my cat catching a baby mouse caused me extreme anxiety. I put him in the park and I'm sure he died. I dont know why life can start and end so fast for some beings. Its so unfair. I tore apart a messy section of my living room where for years I stored books and papers and the excess things I constantly buy. I took down so many bags of trash. I threw away Abby's old vet bills and allergy tests. I dont need to remember her that way. I found Sam's neuter records. How is the kitten I bottle fed formula after my ex rescued him already 12 years old? I want to cry.

I feel so emotional today. I know earlier I said i feel flat but I think I'm so depressed about the state of the country and cant believe half of the country voted in a monster and a sociopath full of hate and destruction. I watch the protests in Albania due to that evil family. I watch the Albanians burning down their Prime Minister's house. I keep seeing posts about animal cruelty and it hurts me so much. The other night in the East Village a young guy said he loved me and grabbed me and i said Do not touch me! It was scary. I tend to think I look tough and punk and sturdy. Im not tiny or helpless looking. It reminds me that anyone can be harmful to anyone else. That men can be harmful and it doesnt matter if i look strong, a man will almost always be stronger physically. I want to be held tonight. Earlier I said i didn't want it but now I do. Whenever I get anxious I feel like this. I get overwhelmed with organizational projects in my apartment, too. I live in a very fancy neighborhood but in a shitty poorly maintained building. I saw fireworks from my wjndow but hate how they scare animals. At least its almost midnight and my neighbors party is quiet now.

A guy began talking to me in a cafe today and we had a genuine conversation. It was nice because earlier I asked someone if I could share their table and they seemed weird about it and moved as soon as a table opened up. It was clear the entire cafe had no other seats and I came to stay so I just wanted a seat. The guy was repulsive to me so if he thought I asked for any reason other than I needed a seat and would have asked anyone, he is insane. Later a guy next to me asked me if I though the two people at the end of the table would hit it off and we joked and talked a while. I keep talking about missing old New York. I am sure it gets tired to the young folks here, but I was part of a different city and it just is another cause of heartbreak for me, added to all the other ones.

I have period cramps and want my stomach rubbed and wish I had someone to help me when I decide to finally organize part of my space that needs it. I didnt even finish! I took down many garbage bags...threw away shoes and skirts that are too big and stuff i didnt need. Got in lots of steps and barely ate today. I hope that was from nerves and my period and not my glp-1 which has never done that to me before. I upped my dose and am down almost 7 or 8 lbs since. I have one of my satin nighties on tonight and its too big. Used to be tight. I hope i dont lose my boobs. They feel smaller to me. I hope I'm imagining it.

That guy at the cafe asked for my contact information and how we could stay in touch. I always like more local friends although im not sure what we have in common but he was genuine and we had easy conversation. I dont even remember what he looks like to be honest. He was just kind and conversive when I was feeling hormonal and anxious over that little dying mouse.

There is some love island type online show about lesbians I think I will watch if I can find it. Ive been avoiding men lately and ignoring them publically. Im still attracted to all genders but I havent wanted to date anyone since A and I began talking even though that began as a deception, too.

I want my soft skin caressed. I have smooth hairless arms and legs and just want them caressed. I tried the other night to find relaxing ASMR but the voices irritated me. Going to brunch with my friend tomorrow at a favorite place. I hope my appetite is back and my cramps are gone. I feel so hormonal tonight. The whole day I kept trying not to cry over that little baby mouse.

I'm so relieved tomorrow will be cooler. My vacation is almost over and I did nothing much with it. It was too hot to trek around or go anywhere except to a local cafe. I dont enjoy cooking on my own so I had easy meals. I want my period belly rubbed and my head rubbed and to caress someone's smooth skin. I can't believe how bad this world has gotten. I still have plenty of joy i find or create but lately I feel so depressed about the state of things. All the bigotry and hatred towards trans people and black and brown people and all the corruption and environmental destruction and abuse. It's just crazy to live in these times. And one day sooner than later I'll lose my parents and be an orphan and ill lose my cats, too.

I am in a local cafe. Been dying to go to the East Village, but wasnt risking it in 95 to 102 degree heat here in NY. Its been uneventful because I was stuck here. None of the movie theaters on my block are playing anything i really want to see and I am currently sitting next to a vapid, vacant couple talking about celebrity gossip reality shows, calories, gym reps and the woman had a baby voices which makes me cringe. Now they are talking about donating to Taylor Swift's wedding charity. God, this is excruciating! New York used to be full of interesting folks. Now its so boring and basic. Baseball caps and athletic wear and conversations that lack any depth or empathy. Now the girl is asking her boyfriend to tell her which selfie he likes the most. I cannot believe how empty people have gotten.

Tech and finance bros and Condo Barbies killed NYC. They killed almost everything that made NY New York. There are still pockets of magic but you have to look harder for them. I went earlier in the week to a Week of Ludd, a gathering of punk type DIY folks who looked more like me minus the red lipstick who were trying to encourage folks to get off the grid and connect in person, something I am very into as someone who went to college right before the internet was ubiquitous. I don't want to live online. I dont want to live behind a screen. I have had love affairs and even "relationships" with people I have never even met. I want real life connections. The last person that cared about me deeply cared about me and I cared deeply for them but we never met and they began our connection with a deception telling me they had transitioned at 16 and at 21 had gone through everything as a trans man. None of it was true. When they finally revealed their real self, I found that person far more attractive and sexy and already liked them for who they were. I didnt care that they still had a period or werent on hormones yet. (I am queer and sexually fluid. I had a ten year and eight year relationship but no one has been as intense towards me as this person. I currently feel flat towards love and romance. Whether its from being deceived and disappointed so many times or because of my glp-1 which seems to have flattened my moods and intensity I do not know. I used to love being touched and touching sensually and now I could care less about any of it.i suspect my glp-1 affects more than my food appetite.

The annoying idiot couple left and I am sitting next two a pair of gay bears. I watched how one of them caressed the others back so tenderly. I love that they are plump and big and enjoying croissants. I havent eaten today because Cliff caught a baby mouse and I brought the mouse outside to the park but I dont think he made it. He wasnt moving much but was still alive. Trying not to cry. My mom said they only live 3 to 6 months. Still...life is so bizarre. Why create beings to live so shortly on the Earth? What is the point of it?

I have zero appetite which is strange for me. Maybe ill make vegan hot dogs but even that sounds unappealing. I could go see a local movie and get a large hot pretzel but I need to clean the packing boxes I have been saving out of my extra room as that extra room looks like a wasteland, and I need to straighten up an area in my living room where I have some clothing and books stacked. I hate chores that take a while. I wish I had a submissive to do those things and massage my feet. Ha.

But mostly not joking.

I miss being around weirdos and freaks and avant garde folks and queers and queens. Although I date men primarily, my long term relationships were with a trans man and a non binary cis man. I don't want to date anyone into sports or who fishes. I dont want to date a meat eater. I think i am getting my period soon. Wondering when I wont get one anymore.

I feel naked without my red lipstick on. I am wearing some lipstain that looks more "natural" but its not really me and doesnt go with my pink and black punk clothing.

I get so nervous in this heat wave that my cats will get sick (we have the AC on strong...just meaning in general), or the AC or fridge will break. My landlord doesnt ever maintain anything . Part of living in an old crappy pre war rent stabilized apartment in a rich neighborhood.

I bought too many perfumes online over the week so will be coming into a lot of self-gifts on Monday.

Listening to women around me speak its so cringe and embarrassing to me. But the men are equally as boring and vapid. Please get me out of here. (Here meaning this universe) I wished it wasn't a heat wave so I could go hang out with the punk kids at the Week of Ludd events in the Park but its too hot. Tomorrow will finally be cooler and all week. I will be back at my miserable job in architecture and at least be able to walk around the city again. Tomorrow I am determined to go to the East Village. Asked a friend to brunch but never heard back.

An aninal rescuer is looking for pet stairs for an elderly end of life sweet cat she just adopted. The cat was brought to a vet to be euthanized and she got the cat stabilized and now brought her home. If anyone has pet stairs they dont want she would love to take them off your hand. Plastic ones that can be carried are probably best. Thanks!

Dreamt I was flirting and dancing with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson and he was spinning me and told me I had a great voice, and I suggested he hire me to narrate his videos and podcast and he said it was a great idea.