u/captainfairenough

being slapped hard across the face & dragged out onto gravel, leading to visible injuries, is an act of lovelessness. being left in a dark alleyway outside of my house, with no phone, as he'd driven off with it, is not love. being verbally degraded & talked down to is not what love is. i do not feel safe nor valued in my person- point blank period.

these are things i have to keep telling myself. it's hard for me to fathom how somebody that claims to love you would dare enact violence against you. what hurts most right now is how this person claims to want to support me, when all they care about is their reputation & not going back to jail. he still feels as though he should have never been in jail- that he's been treated unfairly.

he keeps telling me he's not an abuser; that it's not like the abuse i experienced in childhood. that he didn't think at all when he slapped me; it was in a state of thoughtless, drunken rage. that he does love me & is trying to be sweeter to me; he's constantly negging me & trying to give me affection when he craves the intimacy & emotional reassurance. the constant swinging of the pendulum of emotions is driving me insane. i feel as though i can't trust my own judgement. i feel caged, especially with the power imbalances in our 8-year age-gap & differing socio-economic states.

over all, i feel like boo boo the clown & desperately want out of this relationship. i was the only person to pick up his calls from jail, the one to feed his cat when he was there, the one to pick him up & the one to let him sob into my arms as he exclaimed how sorry he was to have ever hurt me. except, is someone who's sorry keep asking you, "did you want me to go to jail?" "my life is ruined." "i'm going to lose my job."? is someone who's sorry telling me that they might end their life then question if that's the only reason i stay?

how do you deal with an abuser trying to minimize their actions & they impact on you? my goal isn't to change his mind. my goal is to rid myself of the guilt & shame i have for letting myself go through this. yes, i am in therapy, so that's an aid of mine, too. but on the day-to-day, what has helped you move forward & CHOOSE YOU!

it happened- he laid hands on me. my on/off boyfriend (33m), slapped me (24f) & pulled me out of his car into the alley behind my house before driving off, during a mutually drunken argument. as a result, i am left with scabbed scrapes on my left elbow, knee, & ankle. on top of this, he took my phone with him. before the cops showed up to his house to return my property & talk to him, he took advantage of me not being at the door for him to give it back to look through my phone, which he has a history of doing. while not having a history of laying hands on women, he has certainly yelled at them a couple of time, including me. in bouts of anger, he's degraded my character, as well, to the extent that i characterized it as verbal abuse.

in summation, i'm EXHAUSTED:
- being treated less than my worth by a man that claims to love me
- having my privacy be violated
- having my trauma weaponized against me
- feeling constant anxiety, causing me to lose sleep & appetite (there was a period during a couple of breakups where i lost weight)
- acting as the peace keeper (ex: mitigating jealous tendencies by limiting contact with men & dressing more conservatively as to not draw attention to myself)

needless to say, the cognitive dissonance that i am feeling is intense. i've known for long now that i can do so much better than him & have dated much better men. how i can let him go is the hard part. i didn't press charges nor did i want him to be arrested. heck, i was so emotionally distraught that i took his calls from prison & paid for extra minutes, picked him up, & spent the weekend cooped up in his apartment. i feel so pathetic. he's a grown man. he has the capacity to handle the legal & social repercussions of his actions. yet, his tears & his fears about the future, & his drastic shift in demeanor to being softer kept me reeled in (tbh, it seemed genuine). part of me wants to stay & work things out. another part of me wants to run & lead a freer life.

currently, i am held back by the awkwardness of seeing him in public (we live near a social hub of our city & have mutual friends), the fear he'll perpetuate the abuse with another partner, & candidly, the jealousy of seeing him with a rebound. he also has had bouts of suicidal ideation in his life, so that's terrified me into panic attacks. that'll be addressed in therapy when i next go, which hasn't been in a few weeks.

a bright future is near. i feel enveloped in love by my close circle. i know that i am deserving of better & will probably be healthier, too. almost. this subreddit has been making me feel less alone. thank you for sharing your stories. you are not alone, & i send a massive virtual hug to all.

it happened- he laid hands on me. my on/off boyfriend (33m), slapped me (24f) & pulled me out of his car into the alley behind my house before driving off, during a mutually drunken argument. as a result, i am left with scabbed scrapes on my left elbow, knee, & ankle. on top of this, he took my phone with him. before the cops showed up to his house to return my property & talk to him, he took advantage of me not being at the door for him to give it back to look through my phone, which he has a history of doing. while not having a history of laying hands on women, he has certainly yelled at them a couple of time, including me. in bouts of anger, he's degraded my character, as well, to the extent that i characterized it as verbal abuse.

in summation, i'm EXHAUSTED:

• being treated less than my worth by a man that claims to love me
• having my privacy be violated
• having my trauma weaponized against me
• feeling constant anxiety, causing me to lose sleep & appetite (there was a period during a couple of breakups where i lost weight)
• acting as the peace keeper (ex: mitigating jealous tendencies by limiting contact with men & dressing more conservatively as to not draw attention to myself)

needless to say, the cognitive dissonance that i am feeling is intense. i've known for long now that i can do so much better than him & have dated much better men. how i can let him go is the hard part. i didn't press charges nor did i want him to be arrested. heck, i was so emotionally distraught that i took his calls from prison & paid for extra minutes, picked him up, & spent the weekend cooped up in his apartment. i feel so pathetic. he's a grown man. he has the capacity to handle the legal & social repercussions of his actions. yet, his tears & his fears about the future, & his drastic shift in demeanor to being softer kept me reeled in (tbh, it seemed genuine). part of me wants to stay & work things out. another part of me wants to run & lead a freer life.

currently, i am held back by the awkwardness of seeing him in public (we live near a social hub of our city & have mutual friends), the fear he'll perpetuate the abuse with another partner, & candidly, the jealousy of seeing him with a rebound. he also has had bouts of suicidal ideation in his life, so that's terrified me into panic attacks. that'll be addressed in therapy when i next go, which hasn't been in a few weeks.

a bright future is near. i feel enveloped in love by my close circle. i know that i am deserving of better & will probably be healthier, too. almost. this subreddit has been making me feel less alone. thank you for sharing your stories. you are not alone, & i send a massive virtual hug to all.

hi everybody! do y'all have recommendations for a good bakery or independent baker that makes custom cakes? for reference, i am wanting to get a cake for my 25th birthday that is spongebob themed. i'll include a couple of reference pictures.

for folks that have taken a break from social media, i have a few questions:

1. what made you take time away?

2. when did you know it was the right time to come back?

3. how do you navigate your social media profiles in a healthier manner?

for some personal context, i found myself doomscrolling short-form content for hours, comparing myself to other users, using metrics for validation, & would hurt my own feelings by seeing who did/did not follow me. though silly, i have to be honest about where i was with social media. i have been off of instagram and tik tok for numerous weeks now. i'd like to get back in the social loop but want to ensure that i don't fall back into the same habits that i used to have.

hi, everybody! what volume of the manga corresponds to the end of s2 of dorohedoro? thanks in advance! :D

long-time avoidant (24f) that is actively going to counseling, being forward with loved ones about how my avoidant behavior has caused harm, & am actively trying to heal many aspects of my life & relationships. in essence, i stopped running. i stopped painting false narratives to lessen the consequences of my actions. when i have lied, gaslit, curated a narrative, i have deprived people from making decisions based on truths. instead, i have been, for years, trying to control what others think of me or how they should react. this is emotional manipulation- a lack of honesty, out of my own fruition, deprives them from autonomy.

i am absolutely remorseful for my actions & their impacts, not for the mere consequences that i need to face. instead of glossing over or beating around the bush when apologizing, i am able to recognize my action, the impact, & where i need to grow. in addition to full apologies, actionable steps are at play, too. where i am having trouble is in being able to forgive myself. this isn't about asking for pity or excusing myself, by the way. this is about being able to continue shedding avoidance & untruthfulness without being entirely held back by self-hatred.

for folks that have been in this position or a similar one:

1. what helped you reject avoidant behaviors?

2. how did you make attempts to heal relationships? not for you, only, but for the ones impacted

3. how have you learned to forgive yourself when you feel unworthy?

4. how do you sit with the consequences without making excuses for yourself?

this is a hard journey. i have been cowardly for YEARS, since i was in my late teens. it's time i face myself & challenge myself to make what's possibly the biggest change in my life. my goals are to:

- be fully honest

- not make excuses (minus exigent circumstances, i guess)

- honor boundaries

- learn to sit with the consequences

- be fully considerate to others' feelings & perspectives

- not use others for my own gain

- live as a fair, righteous friend, family member, & partner/do right by others

- be charitable

hi, y'all! i have been off of social media for multiple weeks now, namely instagram and tik tok. for context, like many folks, my attention span took massive hits over time, as did my self-esteem as i would doom scroll for hours. i'd like to get back onto said apps, with change & intention. how do i know it's the right time to get on? how can i foster a healthier relationship to social media?

this morning, i was talking to my co-worker about having gone to confession yesterday after mass, wishing i was in a state of grace before mass to receive the Host. confession is a big topic for us, as we both discuss how daunting of a sacrament it can be to practice. despite it's scariness, i have been asking God to allow me to view my sins with shame yet have the courage to dispel them from my life. in the same prayer, i also pray for my coworker, as well as providing them tips for acts on conscience.

well, as we discussed confession, i asked if he still takes the Eucharist when he attends Mass... he said yes. immediately, i felt my face scrunch up & politely let him know that it was a sin to consume the Body of Christ without first being in a state of Grace after a full confession with penance. his argument that that all people should consume the Body of Christ, so long as they fully believe in His flesh & blood being present at the time of consecration. i don't mean to shame him, as i'm still learning in my faith, but to take the Host in mortal sin is a huge no no. i'm not sure what to do other than to pray for my coworker. help?

long-time avoidant (24f) that is actively going to counseling, being forward with loved ones about how my avoidant behavior has caused harm, & am actively trying to heal many aspects of my life & relationships. in essence, i stopped running. i stopped painting false narratives to lessen the consequences of my actions. when i have lied, gaslit, curated a narrative, i have deprived people from making decisions based on truths. instead, i have been, for years, trying to control what others think of me or how they should react. this is emotional manipulation- a lack of honesty, out of my own fruition, deprives them from autonomy.

i am absolutely remorseful for my actions & their impacts, not for the mere consequences that i need to face. instead of glossing over or beating around the bush when apologizing, i am able to recognize my action, the impact, & where i need to grow. in addition to full apologies, actionable steps are at play, too. where i am having trouble is in being able to forgive myself. this isn't about asking for pity or excusing myself, by the way. this is about being able to continue shedding avoidance & untruthfulness without being entirely held back by self-hatred.

for folks that have been in this position or a similar one:

1. what helped you reject avoidant behaviors?

2. how did you make attempts to heal relationships? not for you, only, but for the ones impacted

3. how have you learned to forgive yourself when you feel unworthy?

4. how do you sit with the consequences without making excuses for yourself?

this is a hard journey. i have been cowardly for YEARS, since i was in my late teens. it's time i face myself & challenge myself to make what's possibly the biggest change in my life. my goals are to:
- be fully honest

- not make excuses (minus exigent circumstances, i guess)

- honor boundaries

- learn to sit with the consequences

- be fully considerate to others' feelings & perspectives

- not use others for my own gain

- live as a fair, righteous friend, family member, & partner/do right by others

- be charitable

hi, y'all! saw a post earlier showing love to "just for fun" off of CC:,) got me thinking about how i'm currently reeling from getting dumped in a hurtful manner. putting on music doesn't come easy rn, but ik bey has a place in her songs for all emotions. i want to be able to enjoy music freely again as i work thru my emotions day-to-day.

i'd love to know what bey tracks or playlists you know of that i can either put together or listen to as i go through the motions of this grief & healing. thank you, & much love to y'all <3

hi, y'all. i am a recent dumpee that is looking to better harness self-worth & love in the face of verbal abuse. when dealing with arguments in a relationship, i do not resort to statements that degrade character, weaponize trauma, or act to control the other person. unfortunately, the dumper did. from the moment that they sent me unprompted, hateful- literally- texts, i was told that i should have cut the cord... & i did in a way.

i am not reaching out to them. i stood my ground & expressed that they were talking down to me to hurt me, which isn't okay, without going to hysterics. hell, i saw them at a bar i was at for trivia last night & did not approach them. when it comes to taking a step back, not stalking, not talking, i am headstrong. at the core, i do not want to heal with revenge.

my dilemma is that i love this person. i see the good, the bad, the ugly, the meh, & the beautiful in them & in our relationship. my goal, as expressed in therapy is: i want to heal through love & hope, not hatred & resentment. already, i feel lots of love from my inner circle of friends & family; they aren't "yes" people. they will keep it a buck with me. again, how do i strike a balance of letting go, without demonizing my ex or falling into insecurities? hoping this makes sense!