i’ve been in my kitchen for hours waiting to tell them i’m here to get my parcel and they said it was unsuccessful i was like “what i’ve been here the entire time”. the cunt left a picture of him holding the parcel in his hand and apparently he couldn’t find me (he’s been to my door before yes the exact guy). I CANT GET A PARCEL IF YOU DOMT FUCKING KNOCK MY DOOR!!!!!
i’m scared i’ve raped someone in my sleep last night. i slept for 8 hours straight and then i woke up having thought the feelings in my dreams were too real, i.e the feeling of holding someone. and im scared ive raped a family member in my sleep or he came in and made me and i’m scared. idk who to ask or how to ask.
i have a friends sleepover coming up and since it’s for an important bday i wanna be there and be able to stay over but my phobia really gets in the way, mainly because i cannot get home quickly if i have to/i can’t let anyone know at like 2am, they’ll be asleep, and also i get migraines away from home pretty easily and they make me pretty nauseous. taking painkillers is another thing i can’t do as easily because i nearly threw up once trying to take one. do you guys happen to have any tips/small things I could bring/do just if i needed a bit of help? thanks. sorry if i’ve not left you with many ideas since i have a hard time taking painkillers.
i’m eating tomatoes that are green on the inside i’m fucking scared but doing it anyway. i’m not looking for reassurance.
btw, i’ve done it by now and i didn’t get sick in the slightest. I knew I couldn’t but the greeness was like… daunting, for some reason. anyway i’m fine!
i have an appointment tomorrow and i’m so fucking scared they’ll tell me i need a root canal. fillings are no problem. here’s what i’m going through;
-right second last molar
-tooth is probably (idk) cracked bc i use that side to chew crunchy stuff and sometimes it hurts for a sec when i do it
-for the past maybe month tops (but especially past few days) ive been experiencing a few minutes at a time, maybe a few times a day, of a manageable pain. it isn’t throbbing its just twingey and not very nice cause im scared then it subsides and nags me but only a little bit.
-i can sleep and eat fine but hot/cold foods cause sensitivity in ALL my teeth not just this one
-applying pressure directly to the tooth usually doesn’t hurt, only rarely in a specific spot. for a while a couple months ago, for a few minutes a day - once a day - pressure would hurt then it’d go away.
-no visible discolouration
-no noticeable pain while brushing, at most the tiniest pain but it even takes me a while to realise it was pain, that’s how minor it feels.
-one specific night about a week and a half ago i woke in the night and it was aching and i was like oh shit. then it went away five minutes later.
thanks i’m scared as hell
i’m eating tomatoes that are green on the inside i’m fucking scared
is this sub like… genuinely for very very disordered people or is it for healthy people to like make jokes about anorexic people? lost lol…
i’ve cancelled so many plans this year. maybe over 15. i feel terrible about it and I know it’s a bad thing to do but most of them have been in a group so they can still go out without me, and they do, and seemingly have a good time. i have severe emetophobia (fear of throwing up) and it impacts my every single day, that’s why it’s been so tough. all my friends know i have this phobia and today it’s become an issue.
one of my friends finds it “hard to believe” I want to see her when i always cancel and she’s taking it so damn personally when not everything is about her, this isn’t about her. she’s being so picky and her and another friend tried to add me to their call twice so i can answer to them like a fucking beggar as to why i did not come to a plan today. (by the way, I thought the plan was YESTERDAY, not today anymore. and i had more local, less stressful plans with another life long friend who i never get to see.) i also went to this girls birthday party on sunday, i was there for like ten hours. some of that spent setting up her room to surprise her. it’s like…. im not doing it to avoid you. thats kind of clear. i’m sorry you have work, but my anxiety-and my other plans I made before the plan to go to a hot, busy town with you and ten other people- will not just go away. it’s funny cause they always say they care about your well being until THEYRE unhappy you didn’t show. for a MISINTERPRETED plan. make it make sense cause it doesn’t, i fear….
like, the whole aspect of possibly getting lost (yeah, despite the floor arrows you can laugh at me). also, recently a family member nearly threw up in there for seemingly no reason? since then every time i’ve left the ground floor i’ve got a sore stomach and began RUNNING, which is very embarrassing, until im outside or can see the door out 💀. ikea dates are, until further notice, out of the question. sorry.
and they’ve been in the bathroom but I obviously need the bathroom and there’s no other house accessible to me to use the bathroom HWAT DO I DO
at 8 years old i got noro in the middle of watching a movie at the cinema. it made me very apprehensive towards going to the cinema and i put it off any time i could incase id get noro again. ive been a few select times with great difficulty. yesterday, though, i wasn’t even nervous because i was so so damn excited to see toy story 5 (at my big age) bc joan cusack is voice acting as jesse in it. i enjoyed it so much and even stuck around the area for a while after the movie without being nervous!! i think my idea of the cinema being inherently ‘contaminated’ is fading.
btw, this isn’t me saying that doing something even while nervous isn’t still recovery, or brave, or a step in the right direction! i’m just relieved i wasn’t scared for once. :-)
like, I know my walls aren’t actually conscious, as well as my books and my favourite items and phone, but for years i’ve had an unwavering feeling that every single thing around me, even food, can see me in a way (even without eyes) and can think of me, like judging me or something. for this reason i shower in pitch blackness and my room is always blacked out, because i’m a pretty insecure person and i would hate for anything around me at all to see me if i didn’t want to see me, knowing im chopped. anyone else? or does anyone know what it is im feeling? and no, i dont have social anxiety, lol.
I CANT EDIT WELL, and i’m not sure what i was trying to convey, maybe I was making up a scenario in my head. hope you like?
hope this is okay to put here. i dont intend to treat anyone like a therapist, i have one, but my heart keeps telling me to speak to someone religious, go to someone religious, i need someone religious.
im 17, im very suicidal and im giving up on food, im giving up altogether. im more positive im christian than anything else, and since my depression has worsened ive kept religious items close to me, i feel drawn to them. maybe im hanging on to it for comfort, im not sure but i know the end might be near because im done.
but im asking once more anyway, cause i feel i absolutely must. what will jesus think of me, if heaven is real. and if god has any strength to give me or forgiveness to grant me id ask sincerely for it at this time. i’m so tired i need god and im scared. i need a priest, i know i need someone who knows about this stuff.
per ice cream 52 kcals?
kind of posting this after seeing someone posting the same five years back or so, i wanna see if the main people have changed. for me, to be honest john cusack. after hearing about his preparation for the raven, and him being tall thus it being easier to be thinner, esp when he was younger, i feel so worthless about myself. (im 4’11).
^(even my closest friends. one of them keeps talking to this girl that she allegedly hates. whenever I say to her (not seriously) “oh, why are u talking to her?” she fucking gives me a dirty look and goes “i can talk to who i want!!!!! it’s my choice!!!” sorry girl what the fuck are we doing here? being cheeky to me after we both agreed this girl is unkind and bad to associate yourself with? two faced bullshit. on top of that every other sentence i say, even if it’s just a remark (not negative necessarily) or a question about something im unsure of, she goes “i love you butttttt….. i fearrrrrr….. likeeee….” SHUT UP OMFG CAN U JST ANSWER MY QUESTION??? instead of acting like i am crazy??? or stupid??? or socially held back??? ARGHHHHHHH.)
^(thats one thing. another is this girl who i like (and im trying not to but idk if u could tell but its not really a CHOICE??? (targeted at the first girl i talked about) anyway. this girl who i like makes it crystal fucking clear she hates me, and being around me. I mean if we’re sitting nearby she will move away. thats ok, IF I WAS MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE, but i don’t touch her inappropriately (i don’t really touch her at all), i don’t make remarks about how good she looks, i dont remind her i like her - in fact, the first girl i spoke about reminds me more than i want her to. I know she doesn’t like me back, don’t fucking talk about it. my point is this girl i like is doing wayyyy too much. WAY too much. i’m not gonna fucking touch you. i’m not diseased because i like you. we even used to be together.)
^(im also 18 soon which means parties and drinking. not me; i dont want to drink, i have traumas and it’s unappealing altogether. but all my friends do. that’s fine, i dont care and im happy for them that they get to experience new things. i’ll even come with them to drink but ill be sticking to a coke. what fucking annoys me is how they always go “you’re not gonna drink???? okkkkk….. that’s your choice!!!!” yes it is, what’s ur problem? you want to be wasted on the side of a road? go for it then idfk. but once again talking to me like i’m crazy? no bro, I don’t have the energy for that behaviour when im your friend and say NOTHING against you drinking, because im unbothered. why do you care so much about me not drinking?)
^(also people staring at me, like my family. specifically staring at my face to see which micro expression i’m making in response to their request of me. the other day (one instance of many) a family member asked me to pass him some food. i did, i didn’t make eye contact - i didnt AVOID it - and i sat back down. he’s staring at me very intensely, i can see him in my periphery. then he finally goes “look at the face on her because I asked her to get me some food” LOL SYBAU!!!! I DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT YOU OR MAKE ANY FACE AT ALL? i have an rbf maybe, at a push, but bitch i’m not gonna smile like im in customer service again??? if you think im here to perform and smile then pay me, idk mate. i’m sorry i don’t have energy all the time but I don’t see the point in life anymore and feel like my friends despise me more and more everyday and i know that somewhere out there there are actors and famous people who were born prettier than me and more popular and had allllll the women and men they wanted, even if now they sit on twitter and talk about how much they dislike the economy and the war.)
i mean, people without emetophobia. they go on holidays, they do sports, they can become famous (surely meaning needing to travel and go to loads of formal events in formal clothes with bright lights and lots of people…eek), they can eat chicken and red meat, they can leave the house, they can be excited when winter arrives, they can even eat right before going to plans. it’s so strange that people can just do those things no problem. i can’t imagine going on a plane, even though i did once, and not being like “what if i get sick and cant get off“. i can’t imagine literally just doing what is required of me for most people and coping. sad but also very weird, i forget there are average people out there.