u/d0lly_fl3sh

at 8 years old i got noro in the middle of watching a movie at the cinema. it made me very apprehensive towards going to the cinema and i put it off any time i could incase id get noro again. ive been a few select times with great difficulty. yesterday, though, i wasn’t even nervous because i was so so damn excited to see toy story 5 (at my big age) bc joan cusack is voice acting as jesse in it. i enjoyed it so much and even stuck around the area for a while after the movie without being nervous!! i think my idea of the cinema being inherently ‘contaminated’ is fading.

btw, this isn’t me saying that doing something even while nervous isn’t still recovery, or brave, or a step in the right direction! i’m just relieved i wasn’t scared for once. :-)

like, I know my walls aren’t actually conscious, as well as my books and my favourite items and phone, but for years i’ve had an unwavering feeling that every single thing around me, even food, can see me in a way (even without eyes) and can think of me, like judging me or something. for this reason i shower in pitch blackness and my room is always blacked out, because i’m a pretty insecure person and i would hate for anything around me at all to see me if i didn’t want to see me, knowing im chopped. anyone else? or does anyone know what it is im feeling? and no, i dont have social anxiety, lol.

that’s all.

hope this is okay to put here. i dont intend to treat anyone like a therapist, i have one, but my heart keeps telling me to speak to someone religious, go to someone religious, i need someone religious.

im 17, im very suicidal and im giving up on food, im giving up altogether. im more positive im christian than anything else, and since my depression has worsened ive kept religious items close to me, i feel drawn to them. maybe im hanging on to it for comfort, im not sure but i know the end might be near because im done.

but im asking once more anyway, cause i feel i absolutely must. what will jesus think of me, if heaven is real. and if god has any strength to give me or forgiveness to grant me id ask sincerely for it at this time. i’m so tired i need god and im scared. i need a priest, i know i need someone who knows about this stuff.

kind of posting this after seeing someone posting the same five years back or so, i wanna see if the main people have changed. for me, to be honest john cusack. after hearing about his preparation for the raven, and him being tall thus it being easier to be thinner, esp when he was younger, i feel so worthless about myself. (im 4’11).

^(even my closest friends. one of them keeps talking to this girl that she allegedly hates. whenever I say to her (not seriously) “oh, why are u talking to her?” she fucking gives me a dirty look and goes “i can talk to who i want!!!!! it’s my choice!!!” sorry girl what the fuck are we doing here? being cheeky to me after we both agreed this girl is unkind and bad to associate yourself with? two faced bullshit. on top of that every other sentence i say, even if it’s just a remark (not negative necessarily) or a question about something im unsure of, she goes “i love you butttttt….. i fearrrrrr….. likeeee….” SHUT UP OMFG CAN U JST ANSWER MY QUESTION??? instead of acting like i am crazy??? or stupid??? or socially held back??? ARGHHHHHHH.)

^(thats one thing. another is this girl who i like (and im trying not to but idk if u could tell but its not really a CHOICE??? (targeted at the first girl i talked about) anyway. this girl who i like makes it crystal fucking clear she hates me, and being around me. I mean if we’re sitting nearby she will move away. thats ok, IF I WAS MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE, but i don’t touch her inappropriately (i don’t really touch her at all), i don’t make remarks about how good she looks, i dont remind her i like her - in fact, the first girl i spoke about reminds me more than i want her to. I know she doesn’t like me back, don’t fucking talk about it. my point is this girl i like is doing wayyyy too much. WAY too much. i’m not gonna fucking touch you. i’m not diseased because i like you. we even used to be together.)

^(im also 18 soon which means parties and drinking. not me; i dont want to drink, i have traumas and it’s unappealing altogether. but all my friends do. that’s fine, i dont care and im happy for them that they get to experience new things. i’ll even come with them to drink but ill be sticking to a coke. what fucking annoys me is how they always go “you’re not gonna drink???? okkkkk….. that’s your choice!!!!” yes it is, what’s ur problem? you want to be wasted on the side of a road? go for it then idfk. but once again talking to me like i’m crazy? no bro, I don’t have the energy for that behaviour when im your friend and say NOTHING against you drinking, because im unbothered. why do you care so much about me not drinking?)

^(also people staring at me, like my family. specifically staring at my face to see which micro expression i’m making in response to their request of me. the other day (one instance of many) a family member asked me to pass him some food. i did, i didn’t make eye contact - i didnt AVOID it - and i sat back down. he’s staring at me very intensely, i can see him in my periphery. then he finally goes “look at the face on her because I asked her to get me some food” LOL SYBAU!!!! I DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT YOU OR MAKE ANY FACE AT ALL? i have an rbf maybe, at a push, but bitch i’m not gonna smile like im in customer service again??? if you think im here to perform and smile then pay me, idk mate. i’m sorry i don’t have energy all the time but I don’t see the point in life anymore and feel like my friends despise me more and more everyday and i know that somewhere out there there are actors and famous people who were born prettier than me and more popular and had allllll the women and men they wanted, even if now they sit on twitter and talk about how much they dislike the economy and the war.)

i mean, people without emetophobia. they go on holidays, they do sports, they can become famous (surely meaning needing to travel and go to loads of formal events in formal clothes with bright lights and lots of people…eek), they can eat chicken and red meat, they can leave the house, they can be excited when winter arrives, they can even eat right before going to plans. it’s so strange that people can just do those things no problem. i can’t imagine going on a plane, even though i did once, and not being like “what if i get sick and cant get off“. i can’t imagine literally just doing what is required of me for most people and coping. sad but also very weird, i forget there are average people out there.

slugs, maggots/larvae (i am so scared of these things especially that show larvae island), pizza, garlic sauce, that one picture of the deep sea creature that looks sad all the time, and people being in the house at night, even if everyone is okay.

when i was younger i had a doc mcstuffins cup in which i put brown vinegar and i would just sit in the living room, drinking it slowly. my family thought it was weird but never stopped me. it burned me eventually.

i’ve never thrown up from curry but i’m deathly afraid of it. i’ve cried because i was asked to eat a vegetarian curry today. it’s less the chicken now (although it’s a big part), more the fact that it’s called curry and tastes like curry. i always feel like traces of bad chicken are in there, in the powders or something.

i have always been able to communicate better writing as opposed to talking. but since i’ve felt this way I can't find the words and anything i try to say sounds corny or not effective enough, but i sometimes (3/4 of the day) genuinely want to take action and do something so i can get it over with and do everyone a favour, because it needs to be done and i need to be gone. yet if i left a note that’d be so embarrassing i just know it lol. how do i even go about describing this.

or would it still be undignified?

I know i keep posting about 1408 on here but i love to talk and read about it. i hear a lot of theories going around about it especially because it has around 4 endings, in two of which mike survives, but the alcohol olin gave him, in english, is called ‘the 57 deaths’. only 56 people had died when mike went - it implies that he too, died. or, do you not think there’s one true ending? what about katie, how did she die? and mike, do you think he just completely crashed after surviving(if he did)? think about it. if he managed to move past the trauma and write about the room, he would really have renewed himself as a writer again. but even then, things like telephones, mirrors (the scene where his mirror shows him dead), certain songs, feeling too hot or too cold, alarm clocks, maybe even windows or women humming lullabies, could all make the pain and memories resurface and give him a very hard time in day to day life. it’s all worsened by the fact that i’m sure he left feeling like he was still there all along, since the room taunted him and made him think he was free for a few days. in a scene where he thinks he’s out, jackson, the man who works in the post office, goes from recalling the number 5-something-something to saying 1-4-8, could even that frighten mike?

i’m nearly an adult and i should be going to university but at this point im unsure whether to bother or should i just waste away and let myself die. i dont think someone as nervous and frequently ill as myself should go on trying in a world full of buildings and cars and wars. everythings too bright and too loud and too much and i can’t keep a happy mood. i feel so drained and scared and numb all at once. my mum is ready to cut me off from her kids, my siblings. every sunny day now i think i could be spending it with them but i have school and an inability to cope with much else. i’ve stopped hanging out with people so much. 1408 and harry potter are the only things im really sticking around for. i’m done.