u/fufu1260

So I had a guy I was seeing and the actual incident happened back September. But like. When we were have sex, he was dong regular PiV then after a minute told me he was going to put it in my ass without even asking if i was okay with it. What confuses me and makes me wondering it was rape was that he knew I go non verbal during sex meaning saying even a single word is remotely hard or near impossible for me so there was no way u could have consented on top of being mentally brain dead cause my brain just goes blank when I have sex and feel good.

But like on top of that he spent the last year convincing me of having anal sex and before I ever agreed I never wanted to do it. And the only time I said yes was cause I wanted him to like me in a romantic sense. But then after whenever I tried saying no or taking back that yes I was met with repercussions of fighting and guilted back into saying yes cause “I had said I would try it”.

It just confuses me cause I didn’t want to do it. Said yes once then it was like I couldn’t say no after saying yes once and I know consent is something that can be taken away at any time but it felt like I had no option to say no cause if I didn’t say yes then we’d just fight and he wouldn’t let it go until I said yes again. It was like agreeing to anal was the only way I could keep peace and so I just stoped trying to say no after sometime cause I was so tired of trying to fight to not do it.

Ans then came the night where he said we wouldn’t try penetration in the ass. But then he tried it anyway without asking if it was okay and even if he had asked I don’t know if I would have been able to say yes or no cause my brain was so dead. I didn’t realize what happened was wrong until the next day when I realized that we both mutually agreed not to do PiA (penis in anus) but he did it anyway.

I’m just confused cause I technically did agree to do it and try it. And he did stop when i said ow. But I don’t feel like it ever should have happened cause he knew beforehand I’ve never wanted to try it. But once I said yes once it was like I had no option to say no after.

I’m just confused. My mom says it’s not rape cause it was consensual before he put it in my butt and he stopped when I said ow. But I feel like it should have never happened in the first place cause before I said yes he knew I was hardcore no about doing anal.

Idk. I’m just confused.

I’ve been seeing a lot of people say they’re introvert despite wanting to socialize and have a lot of friends and it’s just making me wonder how many people are colloquial or psychology introvert.

Psychologically an introvert is someone who someone needs time alone time to be able to feel comfortable socializing again. Meaning socializing is really draining and tiring and they prefer alone time so they can recharge and preserve energy. They can still have people who give them energy but those people are very limited and even then their energy can be drained.

Colloquially an introvert is someone who avoids social interactions and is often know as “antisocial” (which the correct term would be asocial). They tend to avoid social interaction all together and are often known as loners.

I’m just wondering how many people get these two mixed up. Cause i feel like not everyone is an actual introvert or just says they are cause they think they’re asocial and avoid people. And they associate introvert with being less social which isn’t even the entire case. Introverts can socialize a lot and still enjoy human interaction.

The main difference between the two is one is more focused on where you get energy (psychological) and the other is more caused on how asocial you are (colloquial).

So like. I love the idea of having a life long partner to help support and spend time with. But I hate the idea of having to live someone and have to have physical intimacy a lot and then be expected to have kids. And while I know there are guys who won’t expect those things I do feel like most guys my age want that stuff down the line. And sure I’d be willing to give it to the right person. But I just overall hate the idea marrying. I don’t want to live with someone. I don’t wanna share my bed. I don’t want dirty dishes from someone else. I don’t want to be in charge of doing the dishwasher every week ( my current roommate doesn’t know how to work the dish washer ). I don’t want kids.

I just don’t think I have the social battery to be in relationship. I’m already getting tired of having to talk to my friends to every single day but I feel and weird not talking to them every day cause it’s become a habit. But lately I’ve been wanting to cloister myself up and disappear.

I just lowk kinda hate being an ambivert cause I want people to leave me alone but I don’t know how to ask or execute it without feeling weird and thinking about having to deal with a person every single day just sounds horrible to me.

I’m not against marriage. But I just don’t think I wanna get married unless I can live alone or have my own bedroom.

I really want a dumb phone if my parents switch lines.

I needz monies. Ugh. Adulting

I’m just getting a bit tired of socializing every single day and I’m a little drained from relationships. I’ve been wanting to just disappear for a little bit but I haven’t cause I don’t want my friends to think I hate them.

Idk. I want to do stop talking to people but can’t bring myself to. Idk why.

So I’ve really been into the idea of mp3 players and there’s this mp3 player that’s caught my eye and I’m wondering if I should buy it. I’d get it for music and to put content in my YouTube channel as it’s a very popular mp3 player. It looks like an old iPod and it’s called the Innioasis y1. So I might splurge and get it in my next pay check. Should I?

I already have an mp3 player that is kinda cheap and has worse reviews than the other one. But it was only 30 bucks so it kinda makes sense. The mp3 player I’m looking at is 75 bucks.

I cannot stop thinking about it and have been wanting it for a while now but just never got it cause I’m lowk broke. But I allow myself one splurge a paycheck. I don’t wanna share how much I make but it’s less than 1000.

TL;DR: should I buy the innoais y1 mp3 player?

So I’m kinda pondering this. But like I have autism and can super sensitive to certain feelings and one of them happens to be hair in my mouth.

I once gave a guy who didn’t shave a blow job and it felt absolutely disgusting. The guy was very much clean. But like the feeling of pubic hair in my mouth absolutely ruined the experience.

The thing is. I don’t feel comfortable asking a guy to shave down there if I’m not willing to shave down there myself.

So like for the people who give BJs (and maybe also are autistic) how do yall get over the feeling of having hair in your mouth?

I know it’s a simple thing to ask to shave but I don’t think it’s fair to ask one person to shave if you aren’t willing to shave yourself. So I wanna avoid having to ask that so it’s fair. I know some men prefer cleanly shaven and others don’t. But like I never know who I might end up with and this thought sometimes worries me.

I didn’t really believe it before hand that I was raped cause my mom said it wasn’t rape due the fact that the sex was consensual before the actual rape happened. But like. She doesn’t know the whole history of it.

And after talking to people about it. I’ve come to realize that there was a lot of manipulation and coercion in it which is indeed defined as rape.

Like. The first time I said that I would do back end development was only said cause I wanted him to like me. Then after that. Saying no just became not an option. Cause if I tried taking it back, we would end up getting into fights until I agreed again to do it. And if I ever said I thought about not doing it he’d talk about how I agreed to try it and just wouldn’t let me take back that yes.

Which now I see is coercion. Cause a yes can be taken back at any time. And for anyone to make you say yes when you want to say no is wrong.

I never wanted to try back end development but I felt like o had no choice unless I wanted to be fighting with him every night I tried to say no.

I’m not like upset. But it just gives me this twisted feeling in my stomach. And it makes me sick to think that this was rape cause I never once believed I could be raped. But here I am.

I don’t blame my mom for saying it wasn’t rape cause she doesn’t know the full extent of our relationship. But like it does sit with me wrong that she automatically shuts it down when I brought it up. I remeber feeling super upset that night and have since then just haven’t talked about it much.

I know she’s always there to listen to me but I just don’t think she fully understands it. And I can’t hold it against her cause I’m not just entirely able to really comprehend it.

Idk. I know what happened was def assault. But I’ve come to realize it might have been rape cause I never wanted to try it to begin with and I didn’t get the option to say no without there being repercussions.

It just doesn’t sit with me right. But idk. One day I’ll get over it. Hopefully.

So. I was anally assaulted/raped back in September. It wasn’t violent. And stopped when I said ow. But it came after a year long wait of being coerced into anal (aka I wasn’t allowed to say no unless I wanted to have a long conversation every night about why it was something I should try) and then the night he did it he didn’t even ask to put it he just told me he was gonna do it then did it knowing I was brain dead and non verbal at the time.

So the thing is. I haven’t been entirely comfortable with physical touch since. And I haven’t tried opening up to it cause I thought it’d be easier with a bf. But obv I’m single. And the thing is I want to have sex but I only want two people. One who lives far away and the other who would undoubtedly say no cause of our positions.

I tried gettin on bumble for a few days and that just left me at the dead end cause one guy would keep mentioning physical touch and sex knowing I wasn’t comfortable with it and even went as far as to ask when I’d be comfortable. Then ghosted me.

How did yall find someone to have sex with? And how did you go about not being uncomfortable when being touched? I haven’t been intimate in any way since with a guy and I want to start but I have no one to start with and I don’t want to go through the process of trusting someone new.

. I just wish one of the guy I liked wanted me. But neither want me like that. But they’re the only ones I want to touch and be intimate with me.

Augh. I’m just upset cause I do want physical touch but I have no one to get it from. Im also still kinda scared of physical intimacy. I even get uncomfortable hugging my male friend.

Im just sad.

I’m getting really paranoid that everyone at my school who’s on Reddit knows who I am and my all my relationships.

My friend told me he could get fired or not hired as a professor cause I wrote on here about how he acted like a manipulative man child and he said that’s gonna hinder his job finding at our school. Says people will read it. Know it’s him and then not hire him.

I just can’t get over why how the provost knows who I am on Reddit. Like did he hear it from someone else? Also. Why are they basing their hiring status based on a single Redditor?

Also. How does everyone know it’s me? I k ow there’s some people who know it’s me. But how does the provost know it’s me?

Istg everyone knows me on Reddit but just keeps it hidddn for my sake.

Idk. I feel like everyone knows me now. And I don’t like it. How did they get my name and my friends name from my Reddit posts? I didn’t even post ages or descriptions of what we looked like or do.

Also. Why is everyone at my school reading my profile?

I know I’m just paranoid. But I’m baffled Reddit has such an influence on these decisions.

I’m just wondering cause recently I was told by a friend that the bad stuff I had to say about him on Reddit would stop him from getting a professor job here at Purdue. I didn’t state his name. Age. Major or even physical description and he said that everyone will know it’s him and the school won’t hire him cause of just the things I said about him. So I’m wondering

1. Why does the provost deep dive into profiles on Reddit to the point they know who each person is?
2. Why are they basing their decision off ONE Redditor?
3. Why does the school care whether someone is bad in their personal relationships?
4. How often do recruiters base their info about someone off Reddit?
5. Why are recruited even using Reddit to get a read on people?

All I basically said was that my friend was acting a manipulative man child and he said that’d get him fired or rejected from being hired cause everyone knows it’s him? Despite the fact I didn’t list any physical or personal traits about him.

I thought only people who knew us would be able to tell. But I guess the entire school knows me????

I’m really confused why we’re using Reddit to credit or discredit people for professional jobs. It doesn’t sound healthy or smart.

Also. Last question. Why if the provost scrolling through my account? I know I have interesting things. But why mine? Is he looking at everyone’s Reddit?

I got banned for calling someone beautiful.

The first guy I liked for a while rejected me cause of his status

I lost three friends cause of my Reddit posts.

I got told I was attention seeking and validating seeking cause I asked for advice about a situation but never took action. (I was going to. I just didn’t know when or how to cause I’m bad at timing and super bad at confrontation. I didn’t know if he was stable enough to hear what I had to say. I wanted to say something. But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and make him feel even worse about himself than he already did)

I started gaining feelings again for a guy I used to like and asked him out and got left on read.

I have a guy who knows about my sexual trauma but asked how I thought about having sex with him down the line. (I just met him today)

I’m about to just say fuck it all and give up. (Not su!c!dal)

Oh and I have to move back in with my parents and be a leech to their money cause I have none.

Also my mom might not make me back pay her back for the class she said she wouldn’t pay for

I just feel horrible. I’m so fucking tired of everything.

I’m also eating at most one meal a day with maybe a few snacks

I’m just a train wreck. I’m going CHOO CHOO straight into a mountain side.

I cannot express how much it has helped this last month. I was super limerent for My professor and then the last month I focused on engaging less. Meaning no discord messages. No seeing him. Focusing on other relationships and now I'm a little limerant for someone more appropriate for me. My prof isn't old. Like he's really young. But the power imbalance is what was the issues. He's a great guy. And he rejected a date with me. And I think being rejected also really helped. It made me realize how much I got wrong about him. Back then I used to think and wonder if he was flirting with me and turns out he indeed was not. (Suprise surprise.) But yeah. I just cannot recommend going no contact this much. I thought I would take a while to get over him. But I've been thriving.

I know this is easier said than done so this is why you have this community. To help you and encourage you. You're never alone. And you're never gonna be alone. I know this isn't an easy thing. But you've got this. I trust believe in you.

Good luck limmies.

I just saw that my assaulter has a gf and while it made me sad. I’m also really disgusted that I still want him. He violated me and it just bothers me. I don’t get why I’m sad. I don’t get why I still want him. I just do and I don’t know how to handle this. I think I’m just lonely.

So finally I did what I should have done long time ago. I blocked him on everything. Besides Instagram cause he has me blocked me there.

I just hate this. He literally talked about how I was too fat to his liking and yet here’s this other girl who’s about my weight and he’s posting her. I just don’t get it.

Maybe the girl is his sister but I doubt it.

I’m just upset. I actually wanted him back. And I don’t get why. I’m lonely and sad. That’s all I know.

I did some pretty bad things that damaged a really good relationship and made me lose four other relationships. And while no ill intent was ever intended. It just still caused a lot of damage.

I just feel like a horrible person. I don’t feel like I deserve to have good people in my life. And I lost my best friend so socialzing just seems pointless at this rate. I don’t deserve a good relationship.

But the issue is. If I stay alone for a long time something bad might happen. I might get in my head. Bad thoughts are running through my mind and I don’t know who to talk to cause I just have no one.

I don’t feel like I deserve any good friends. I might just be super hungry and depressed though. I haven’t eaten all day but I can barely even bring myself to get out of bed.

I feel that urge to do something to myself but that’d take more effort than laying here. I’m just tired and hungry. I don’t have any money and I want Chipotle.

But in the end. I just want my former bsf back. I fucked up so badly. But now I’m scared to text him cause I know he wants space. But silence only tells me things are wrong between us. I know things are wrong between us. I just don’t have the heart to voice my anxieties to him anymore. I don’t feel like I deserve him as a friend. I don’t even understand why he still thinks I’m a good person. I’m just not.

I hope day we get back to where used to be. But I just don’t see it happening.

I wanna be alone. But deep down I just wanna know things are okay. Nothing feels okay right now. I hate myself. I lost all my friends cause of my stupidity. I also lost the guy I like. Which technically. I don’t know if he knows but I’m avoiding him cause I don’t wanna risk his comfort. He never liked me. I was just delusional. That’s all I’ll ever be prolly.

At least I’m delusional enough to believe eveyrhing will be okay. It’s not okay and it’s my fault. I can’t undo the past. But I can try to make a better future. That’s the only hope I have. But even that hope feels fruitless. I’m broke. Have no full time job. I have to pay my parents back a lot of money if they let me pay them back. I lost all my friends.

Idk. I just dont see the good in me anymore. I don’t think I can ever face my old friends and the guy I like. But maybe it’s for the best. I’m really ashamed of myself.

Uhm. No. I prolly agree with them. Like if I got called a slut. I’d fully agree. If I got called a child. I would agree. If I got called manipulative. I’d fucking agree.

Like people think they can say horrible things about me but anything anyone says to think I’ve prolly already thought.

I think I’m a horrible person who deserves to rot in hell. And given the most recent abuses I’ve done to people I wouldn’t hold it past people to call me a horrible person.

I think I’m terrible. I don’t think I deserve this wonderful life of mine. My parents came home early just cause they were worried about me.

I’m sick of being a terrible person and not being punished for what I do. Which is why I sometimes want to do those *bad things* to myself.

Literally say anything bad about me. I’ll prolly agree. Istg I’ve manipulative so many people into being my friend or liking me.

Bro. I’m not even going near a place anymore just cause of how ashamed I am of who I am and whatever I’ve done. I don’t deserve the people in my life. And I feel like they’d be so much better off without me. I’m not gonna die or anything. But god. Sometimes I wish God could just take me from these people. They could do so much better but here they are clinging to me for who knows what reason.

I’m convinced everyone deserves better than me. And idk why I’m even here in the first place. I’ve done nothing but hurt people. I don’t deserve to be with such good with people. But I can’t say that to them without seeming all like “woe is me”.

Like bitch. Please. You’re only saying I’m the best cause you want to make me happy but at this fucking rate. Nothing makes me happy.

Idk. I wish something bad would happen to me just so I can learn my lesson. But I guess I already did have something bad happen. I lost a really good group of people I cared about. And it’s only a matter of time before I’m shunned by everyone else in that community.

I feel bad for a friend who said I should apply to where he works. He doesn’t know how horrible I am. Sooner or later it’ll get around it’s just a matter of time.

But doesn’t matter to me who I lose. I have my good friend. I dont need random followers on Instagram. I don’t need a guy I like. Honestly. The only people I need are my family. And my bsf. And my other friend. I don’t need anyone else.

I kinda hope I die alone. Just to suffer the pain I’ve caused everyone else.

I got blocked by a friend who I thought was gonna be around a bit longer and I’m just really sad

I’m worried they told others something cause no one is responding to me.

I know this is a stupid question. But I recently heard of a story on here where a girl was dating a guy and she would never let him see her naked. So for his bday his friends for him Meta glasses so he could record her. Which he did end up doing while they were having sex. And that just terrified me. Now. I’ve agreed to do sex shots for me and a guys personal chat. But like I don’t think I’d ever do it again aftwr what he put me through. And then to think about possibly having someone who videos me without consent during those moments just terrified me. Like it wouldn’t be too much of an issue cause I like missionary and I could see if he’d be wearing the glasses but like he could still put the glasses on the side table pointing towards us so he can film.

Idk. I just don’t think I’d ever date a guy who used any sort of smart glasses. I know that’s a stupid standard but like I don’t want my naked body on someone computer without my knowledge.

I’m fine today. Mostly. But like this last week. Has been bad. I’m super depressed. I texted my perpetrator/rapist. I’m tired every day. One night I didn’t even sleep. My friend is putting a lot of pressure on me to make him happy. My friend also has feelings for me and I think he’s happy my crush rejected me cause he said his feelings went away but now they’re growing again since I got rejected.

I’ve only eaten a banana and two cheese sticks today. My appetite is non existent. I’m waking up in the middle of the night. I have no money to support myself and have rely on my parents.

I have to possibly move out soon and into another apartment.

Idk. It’s just getting worse. I wanna do bad things to myself but never am able to bring myself to do them despite really wanting to.

Today was good but I just couldn’t eat. I only ate the banana cause my coworker gave it to me and I only ate the cheese sticks cause I was getting hungry. I was gonna eat just one but my professor and an another staff member told me to eat two.

And lastly. I miss dogs. And I miss my boss neither are dead. I just miss them. I miss my dogs cause they live with my parents and I don’t live with my parents and I miss my boss cause she just makes me really happy and I love filling her in on my boy drama. On top of that she’s really sweet and caring. Her laugh makes me smile. I can’t wait til she gets back from vacay but I hope she had a restful week.

I also hope my other boss takes a week off soon. She says she’s waiting til December but that’s too long. She had a big yesr and I think she should take some time to herself. She deserves it. I love seeing her also. She might me call me short but I still love her as a boss. Her smile and laugh are fun too. I always miss her when she’s gone too.

Aughhhhhhhh I need psychiatric help but I can’t get therapy cause I have no insurance.

I hope I find a second job. I wanted one so I could make money. I gotta pay back my parents for the summer class and upcoming rent and security deposit. I’m worried my mom is gonna brush it off again like she did the nintedo switch and AirPods. She always says she’ll take the money out but I don’t think she ever did. I’m thankful but I wish she wouldn’t spoil me. I’m 22. But nagging her is pointless cause she’ll just forget to do it or eventually give me an excuse as to why she didn’t do it. Her excuse for the switch was thay I paid for my lunches at my first job which is not what she wanted me to do. And I’m not bothering with the AirPods at this point. I’ve asked her at least 3-5 times to pull the money. So I’m just assuming she told me to use her Amazon account on purpose so she could do this. I really do appreciate it. And I love her cause she doesn’t want me to be in debt. But like. I just feel bad. It feels like mt dad is right about me just spending her money on frivolous stuff despite the fact her being the one to coax me into using her money. It makes me question if I’m a good daughter.

I love my mom. I miss her too. I miss her everyday. I also miss her cooking.

Im gonna go eat some of her spaghetti.