u/fufu1260

I know this is a stupid question. But I recently heard of a story on here where a girl was dating a guy and she would never let him see her naked. So for his bday his friends for him Meta glasses so he could record her. Which he did end up doing while they were having sex. And that just terrified me. Now. I’ve agreed to do sex shots for me and a guys personal chat. But like I don’t think I’d ever do it again aftwr what he put me through. And then to think about possibly having someone who videos me without consent during those moments just terrified me. Like it wouldn’t be too much of an issue cause I like missionary and I could see if he’d be wearing the glasses but like he could still put the glasses on the side table pointing towards us so he can film.

Idk. I just don’t think I’d ever date a guy who used any sort of smart glasses. I know that’s a stupid standard but like I don’t want my naked body on someone computer without my knowledge.

I’m fine today. Mostly. But like this last week. Has been bad. I’m super depressed. I texted my perpetrator/rapist. I’m tired every day. One night I didn’t even sleep. My friend is putting a lot of pressure on me to make him happy. My friend also has feelings for me and I think he’s happy my crush rejected me cause he said his feelings went away but now they’re growing again since I got rejected.

I’ve only eaten a banana and two cheese sticks today. My appetite is non existent. I’m waking up in the middle of the night. I have no money to support myself and have rely on my parents.

I have to possibly move out soon and into another apartment.

Idk. It’s just getting worse. I wanna do bad things to myself but never am able to bring myself to do them despite really wanting to.

Today was good but I just couldn’t eat. I only ate the banana cause my coworker gave it to me and I only ate the cheese sticks cause I was getting hungry. I was gonna eat just one but my professor and an another staff member told me to eat two.

And lastly. I miss dogs. And I miss my boss neither are dead. I just miss them. I miss my dogs cause they live with my parents and I don’t live with my parents and I miss my boss cause she just makes me really happy and I love filling her in on my boy drama. On top of that she’s really sweet and caring. Her laugh makes me smile. I can’t wait til she gets back from vacay but I hope she had a restful week.

I also hope my other boss takes a week off soon. She says she’s waiting til December but that’s too long. She had a big yesr and I think she should take some time to herself. She deserves it. I love seeing her also. She might me call me short but I still love her as a boss. Her smile and laugh are fun too. I always miss her when she’s gone too.

Aughhhhhhhh I need psychiatric help but I can’t get therapy cause I have no insurance.

I hope I find a second job. I wanted one so I could make money. I gotta pay back my parents for the summer class and upcoming rent and security deposit. I’m worried my mom is gonna brush it off again like she did the nintedo switch and AirPods. She always says she’ll take the money out but I don’t think she ever did. I’m thankful but I wish she wouldn’t spoil me. I’m 22. But nagging her is pointless cause she’ll just forget to do it or eventually give me an excuse as to why she didn’t do it. Her excuse for the switch was thay I paid for my lunches at my first job which is not what she wanted me to do. And I’m not bothering with the AirPods at this point. I’ve asked her at least 3-5 times to pull the money. So I’m just assuming she told me to use her Amazon account on purpose so she could do this. I really do appreciate it. And I love her cause she doesn’t want me to be in debt. But like. I just feel bad. It feels like mt dad is right about me just spending her money on frivolous stuff despite the fact her being the one to coax me into using her money. It makes me question if I’m a good daughter.

I love my mom. I miss her too. I miss her everyday. I also miss her cooking.

Im gonna go eat some of her spaghetti.

I’ve been super depressed for the last week or so since being rejected by the guy I like. But like. Him rejecting me has lowered my sexual desire. But like when I do think about him. I’m just super sad about how he didn’t want me. And I just wanna be touched by him so badly that it hurts. And so I think having sex might help just get it of my system. But like I don’t wanna go through the process of trusting someone new so I turn to the guy who SA’d me cause I know him. He’s familiar. And he said he wouldn’t do it again (he’s very good at keeping his word). I just want the safety of someone I know to be my first time since being asssulted and I don’t know who else to ask. I can’t ask my male bsf cause thinking about doing that stuff with him turns me off and I just don’t trust anyone else with my body the way I trusted my assaulter.

I admittedly texted him today. But as per usual he didn’t respond.

I know it’s not healthy to go back to him but I just don’t know who else to ask. And I’m hurting every day from the rejection. I don’t want just anyone. I want someone I know and trust and have desire for.

A guy in Snapchat sent a me vid of himself touching himself and it just didn’t sit right with me. He said sorry aftwr and that it wouldn’t happen again. Cause he knows I’ve been assaulted.

Idk. I want the guy I like so bad it hurts and not even my assaulter wants me.

I reallt wish I could sleep the guy I like but since I can’t and am so desperate for him I’m willing to settle for what I already hon (perpetrator).

It’s really bad. I know.

I don’t think this was coherent at all

My brother and I (31&22) wanna play PC games together but don’t know what game to play.

I don’t know how to tell my close ones this but I think I need to be hospitalized sooner or later

I’ve been taking a sleep aid every night. And not the OtC kind. I’ve been doing reckless things. Like wanting to take a second sleep aid after waking up on my first sleep aid. I wanna take sleep aid even when I’m drunk.

And I’ve come to realize that maybe somethings are mt fault. And I wanna do something bad to myself cause if it. It’s my fault. I made things weird. And maybe that’s why a beloved professor missed the graduation of so many people who look up to him.

I’m really mad at myself. I lost him all cause I overthought getting coffee. And then openly admitted to being fine dating him. I just shouldn’t have said anything. Or I’d be perfectly happy awaiting a nice cup of Joe with him. I still have the list things I’d ask him to start conversations. But oh look the tables have turned.

If he didn’t come cause of me. It’s fair. I fucked up. I fucked up like I always do.

And the worst part about being alone right now. Is that I could do something to myself and blame being drunk so easily despite thinking it clearly through.

I just need to be hospitalized. So he can live in peace. So my friends stop worrying about me dying. So my parents never find the theoretical scars on my arm so my bosses never realize how deeply I’m hurting.

Idk if I’ll bring myself to do anything to myseld. But. I’m at a point I wish I could. I’m so mad at myself. I lost yet another person I deeply cared for. And I was so stupid. I hope one day he and I can go back to who we were but it’s not looking like that. He doesn’t interact with me. He doesn’t look me in the eye like he used to.

I should have savored every last minute him before tjats fateful Thursday. Cause I thought maybe this time I could keep it. But oh my god. I was beyond wrong. Lmao.

I’m just lucky I may never have to see him again. Then if I do end up doing anything to myself he won’t find out and blame himself. I never wanna make some do something just for me cause they know I’m hurting. I never want him to feel obligated to make me happy. I never want him to know the dark history. The dark thoughts. I don’t want him to second guess himself for saying no. I know in reality he’s too dumb to put two and two together but like still. I can’t risk his innocent ass.

Isk. I think I’m just gonna lay here and doom scroll or hope I fall asleep. Taking a sleep aid sounds so nice rn but I drank and I can’t hurt my family by not making it home right after graduation. Maybe give it a few years then I’ll jump into the river around my campus (joking)

I’m gonna get my drunk ass off here now.

So. The other day I was taking a walk down my campus and I saw this really pretty girl in her graduation dresss and I just stoped and was like “gorl. You look so gorgeous” and she was “thankssss Omigosh.” And we continued talked for a minute while we walked across the street and at one point she’s like “your freckles are so pretty” and I respond with “thanks. They’re real.”

Idk how much more stupid I get. Like why does it matter that they’re real? Idkkkk

I tried brushing it off talking about how I was in the sun a lot but I don’t think there’s coming back from that.

Anyway.

I will say. Am I the only one who literally LIVES for the female gaze? Like don’t get me wrong. Guys calling me pretty is cool but like O M G. when a gorgeous girl I dont know gives me a compliment… that’s just undeniably my favorite compliment.

Idk. I just love dressing up and getting told by pretty girls I look good.

I just love my bsf (as a friend). I just got home from his place and we ate some food which was really good. I don’t feel like I appreciate him as much as I should but I’m just so happy I have a guy friend who doesn’t sexualize or romanticize me. I mean he does romanticae me to an extent but not to where he’d want to be in a relationship.

I’m also just happy that he’s been really understanding of my boundaries when it comes to be assaulted. I feel like most people wouldn’t understand the fear or anxiety I feel but he’s really good about being caring about it. He doesn’t make me feel bad for not wanting to spend the night and he doesn’t pressure me to do things that are not in my comfort zone.

We’ve def had our rough patches but I’m still really thankful him. I hope we stay friends forever cause he’s serious so good to me.

YALL DID IT. LETS GOOOOOOO

I KNEW YALL COULD DO IT. BUT MAN. ITS FINALLY FUCKING HERE.

let’s go.

BOILER UP and HAMMER DOWN!!!!!

This week started out great. Like I was happy. I wasn’t feeling this dead pan drop my heart kinda feelings until yesterday and today.

I don’t even know what to say anymore.

First I get rejected and fuck shit uo between the guy I like and me. And don’t even get me fucking started in that. I should have never bothered.

Next thing I know!!! I need to take a summer class. I’m a senior. I’ve been here for four god forsaken years and I was ready gtfo of here (not only do I have to stay here but I also face fact I might run into *him* here cause the guy works here)

If I had to define this week in one word. It’d be hell.

I lost yet another dude I deeply cared for and found out I’m not actually graduating. I’m stuck at this god damned school for another summer and at this rate dropping out isn’t worth it.

I should have given up a long time ago. But here we are. Dying on the inside and wanting to just cry or die.

If you need me I’m gonna be sulking in my apartment eating ice cream. I’m turning dnd on cause at this rate I don’t wanna talk to anyone. This week is shit. Finals is shit. Everything is shit.

AND IM DONE WITH SHIT

(Or at least I thought I was)

So update. I kinda sent a long paragraph and got confused about if he was expecting a date or not and then got my answer. He would not feel comfortable dating me.

So I’m hoping this doesn’t plague me and that my feelings wash away with a nights sleep. I kinda wanna cry. Cause I guess some part of me hoped he saw something in me.

But alas. I was an idiot. He’s a fucking prof. He’d never see me that way. I feel so stuoud for getting my hopes up.

I told him if he needed space aftwr tonight I understood. And now I’m hoping he says he wants space or just says nothing cause my chest is actually kinda hurting from this sadness. I’m an embarrassment. I’m so stupid.

I need to sleep. I have more important things worry about

It just occurred to me that I’m not actually sure everyone knows I’m audhd. But I feel at this rate. Everyone who knows me is prolly guessing. It just makes me feel weird to think that people will interact with me then he like “oh yea. She’s autistic” or “oh damn. You’re adhd”.

It just is weird. Like I’ve had many people tell me it’s obvious. But IS IT THAT OBVIOUS????

I know most people like me. But what if they’re only nice to me cause of my social struggle?

Idk. I guess if I’m still able to make people laugh and smile rhats all that matters to me. But like what if they’re laughing at me? What if I’m just a joke?

Idk. I think I’m tired.

I love my hair. But I miss it being long. I miss feeling so glamorous when I wear my hair down while it’s curly. I know I didn’t need to cut it when I did but I just kept having the urges. And oddly enough. Something changed in me when I cut it. I felt more in control. Of myself. My feelings my body. I was dealing with a FICK of a guy who was telllong me to do this and do that with my body. Then I was dealing with the emotional turmoil of losing someone I deeply cared for. Everything just told me to cut my hair.

But I miss my long hair. I miss having long curls when it was permed that went down to mid if my back. I miss having a full bun

I wish my hair was long cause I love the look of me in a dress wirh my long hair down.

Ughhh longggg hair. Ans graduation is right around the corner. I know I’m not ugly. But I feel like id look so much better with long hair.

Sad. But slightly still no regrets. It’ll grow again.

I feel so stupid. My entire Brain has been telling me my prof (the guy I like) likes me back but chat gpr is right. Everything I notice. And everything he does is just neutral things stacked on top of each other. I guess it’s normal for professors to ask how their students are when they seemed spaced out or make eye contact. Or maybe tjats just a normal human thing cause I’ve never had profs just randomly ask if I’m okay. And like smiling more at me!!? Maybe he’s just happy I’m gonna be gone soon.

Idk. I’m much more emotionally invested in this and while I know this was never supposed to be date I just can’t help but feel anxious. What if I mess it up? What if I say something stupid? How do I even act? What do I call him? I just don’t know. And I want to know but I can’t.

I can’t stand how much I like him.

Maybe I just don’t say anything and let coffee slide. It’s not like he actually wanted to go, right???

But ugh. I’m so excited and so happy. Istg that day is gonna be burned in me the rest of my life. I was so jaw dropped and fooored. And had to do a double take. Then I was speechless and full of joy.

Guys. It makes me so happy. But what if he only say yes to be nice? Maybe he didn’t mean it? Maybe he just wanted me gone? Maybe he misheard me.

Idkkkk

Aughhhhhhh liking men is a curse. Nah bro. Liking neurodivergent nerdy men is a curse and for some reason I’m stuck with that curse.

So the guy I was last seeing came over one night. And before coming over we discussed and came to the conclusion that we would not try anal sex cause he deemed I was not ready for it.

But then the night came and on our last round he told me he was gonna try to put his penis into my anus and proceeded to do so without waiting or asking if that was okay. It did enter in. But he stopped when I said ow.

And so I talked about it with my mom and she said that it wasn’t legally rape cause it’d be word against word and that we were having consensual sex beforehand so it wouldn’t be considered rape.

But like the thing is. I don’t think she understands that I went into this night thinking this wouldn’t happen and he did it when I was at a very vulnerable state.

I become non verbal (I’m in the spectrum so being over stimulated can cause me to start having trouble forming sentences or even words. Like it’s as if my brain shuts off cause it’s so overwhelmed.) during because when I feel really good my brain stops functioning so when it happened, it didn’t even really register in my brain that it was what was and it was against my will until the day after.

The thing that gets me is that I didn’t say no when he said he was going to do it but mentally cannot form words to speak when having sex and he knew that going into this.

Please feel free to ask more questions but was this legal rape?

So. If you know me. You know that the last guy I was seeing did something anally that I did not agree to.

Well. I’ve been kinda ignoring the idea of this but I’ve come to realize I think it might have been rape.

For the longest time. I was constantly being pressured into doing stuff and the only way I could I have ever made him stop talking about it was by agreeing to try it.

And the thing is. Once I agreed. He didn’t reallt let me take it back without posing a being upset or having some sort of conflict.

And in the end I was subjected to butt plugs. I was kinda open to it later it on. But that’s not even the worst part

The worst part that makes me think this is actually rape is cause when we were having sex, his penis did go inside my anus without permission. Once again. This guy put his dick up my ass without even asking if I was okay with him trying it.

I wonder if I’m wrong. But the clear definition of rape states there being forced or coerced insertion into the vagina or anus so. Having his dick up my ass without consent just makes me wonder if this was rape and not just sexual assault.

I feel like I’m wrong cause I don’t wanna believe I was raped. But I just don’t know.

Update. My mom said it wasn’t rape cause we were having consensual sex beforehand and he stopped when I said “no” (aka “ow”)

I made the bold decision today to ask my professor to coffee after graduation and well. He said yes.

But like I’m pretty sure it’s not a date. I just said grab coffee.

I think I’m dreaming

I’m listening to the song “empty room” and it just made me realize how much it might hurt to lose him. I’m planning on telling him through letting how I feel and I’m pretty positive it’ll sever our ties. No professor wants to date a former student. And even thought were somewhat similar in age, I just don’t think he’ll ever see me in another way.

I’ve really taken for granted the time we’ve spent talking about the game and just relaxing in his office alone (door wide open). Idk. I’m just sad.

I know telling him is gonna end things but I guess the pain of the loss hasn’t dawned on me yet. Which is good? Maybe I won’t be that sad? But idk. Right now I’m so deeply plunged in stress I can’t feel anything.

Ughhhh I don’t wanna lose him. But i know it’s for the best. It’s just the way life is.

I’m gonna leave my number but I’m sure once he knows he’ll never wanna talk. And I made it clear I don’t wanna talk if he’s just gonna talk to reject me.

Idkkkkkk.

This is gonna suck. But it is what is it.

I just need to enjoy last days with him. :)

I’ve been left on delivered or seen for the past few weeks cause apparently talking about tourney in the game is off the charts and he got tired of it. So I started asking my group mates who in my guild cause who else am I gonna ask?

Anyway. I messaged him today about the game and now I’m really nervous cause if he doesn’t respond I’m gonna feel even more hurt than I already am. And I’m at a point where if I do message and he just never responds to this one I’m gonna give up. Cause clearly he’s on his phone. Soooo idk.

I know I should have given up last week but my bsf told me try it so I did. And now I’m regretting it cause he’s prolly not gonna respond. But whatever. Who cares.

Y’all. Im willing to bet 5 bucks this man won’t respond. But idkkkkk. I really want him to. 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Update. He did text back. But now my heads hurts from all the stress I’ve spent doing school and thinking about him. My anxiety is also causing me to wana do harmful things so I need to address that with my psychiatrist.

Ughhhhh i wanna quit school