u/gumigogo

I'm new in this community. I was away from home for like 15 years but went through "narcissist" online education a few years back to understand my relationship patterns and how to deal with N-father and family enablers. In my 40s to cut out all toxic people / friends / partner from my life and become more autonomous, more self healed person, who stands up for herself and asks for what she needs and wants. But 2 years ago had to come back to home due to health reasons. And parents did help a lot, mostly thanks to mum, with getting me groceries, to the doctor. I also can live cheeply (just bills) to stay at our old place as they moved to a new one. So much that I formed some more relationship with them again. Mostly with mum.

And lately, my dad's been getting old and retirement made him a real pain in the bum. I guess I dropped my guard and forgot the rules of the game.

He's preferred behaviour is countering everything, demean me and mum, and commenting everything you do (critically). He witholds information to make everyone scrambled and disorganised, and twists everything. Whatever I would talk about even with mum he would criticise or say it's stupid or made up etc. But since I stood up in my respect I guess I really forgot that there is no reasoning. That Narcs are not about truth but about control.

Now unfortunately I went with them to the country house, something I avoided so much for so long, and in the first hours I regretted coming (but I don't drive). I feel like I got too reactive (because of the illness and more lately because of period, and heatwave) and wasn't able to keep my cool and as he kept trying to counter and be the smart one, but I proved my right. Years of being out of toxic relationships and largely independent, had me act like I could have a reasonable discussion. He couldn't deal with that. Last starw was when I told him eventually to stop dictating me how to open the window shutters, and he got so offended now he's been giving me silent treatment, freezing me out, exculding from everything, ignoring, witholding information etc. Classic. When I lived with them as a student he once shut me out in silent treatment for 1.5 years. The reasons are never reasonable so not even worth bringing up.

I tried to act according to "new self-respecting me" and pretend dumb/ act as if he's behaviour is barely impressive after a full day him doing that, asking innocently "Are you actually angry at something?". He blew up that I'm horrible and rude, disrespectful, and all the wrong things and that he doesn't want to talk to me. I replied, ok "It would be more efficient and pleasant to all of us if we could communicate to find agreement". Naturally that didn't go well. I try to help mother in the garden, and do my thing and when I do speak, I act as if I ignore someowhat the silent treatment but actually speak to them, or to him basic things you would have to to arrange stuff "I'm setting the plates do you want to eat now?" etc. Not much, and very causally just enough to show, I don't care for sulkiness and am not impressed by it. I don't care to change him, or make him talk, or be warm and fuzzy. I accept what he is and that he will never change. Just trying to make the situation as bearable for me and mum for the next few days so that my stress doesn't give me more symptoms and so I can find as much peace as possible.

Also, weirdly years ago when I went through lots of healing after narc / toxic freindships, I realised that trying to understand them is a lost energy and I better should just focus on myself. I suppose I've done all I could to crate openness. But I won't pretend that it's unpleasant and yesterday I got extremely anxious and angry.. but naturally you never show emotion.

I have always been sorry for my mum even though she was an enabler, and frequently betrayed me to save herself, but she got stuck with him. I left. I guess everyone has a choice, but I feel sorry for her. Even sometimes for him. But I have to live my life and make it as good as possible for me.\

I suppose there is really nothing to do, just bear the next few days and go back home, and try to focus on healing and maybe figuring out how to live farther away. But I wanted to vent and ask you veterans.

Any ideas, suggestions? I'm a bit out of practice.

I'm a middle aged (45) single neurodiverse mega sensitive woman.

Most of my life I've lived in medium to large cities. No back in eastren Europe, my home city. I truly hate what's coming with the way of life and people. I feel like safe space is shrinking and while I'm still recovering from stress related illness, I am looking for ideas how to create life that's sustainable. Been trying to for years now. And for the few years I hoped it would mean finding a house with a wit of land/ garden in a viallge or close to nature. But I also realised in the last 2 years of illness that being single, not very strong physically (and still without figured out source of income) that dream might be not as right for me as I thought. In my last illness I am getting better from, I realised, that a single ND person like me would have a hard time far from a city for a number of reasons.

Everywhere is loud, flashy, exhausting, demanding tech skills, even to buy a bus ticket...People, are pushy, selfish, angry, cheating. I know not all, but that's more and more common.
I can't imagine going to get a job (luckly I am ok for a while), I am really unemployable and would not stand working for anyone. Likewise, co-living - as in sharing space is impossible for me. I am too much of a freedom freak. I just want a simple life.

I don't have any local friends, just online ones in other parts of the world who struggle as well. But I am determined to create some ways. I know that in various countries people come up with various ways of reinventing new ways of living. I just don;t know where to look for them for inspiration. Ideas?

I noticed under a few posts when someone asks about rituals not working or how to improve their practice etc. that replies say that the problem is with beliefs. Many replies I read sounded like straight from Law of manifestation, which I'm not crazy about. (for instance replied to money ritual I read would say that the OP most likely had negative beliefs on money or had hidden belief they can't get more etc.).

Isn't the point of magic to happen based on strong desire? I read in a book by Demon Brand that he says specifically that one doesn't have to believe. So what the thing with it?

I am not diagnosed with MCAS but strongly suspect. Some of my symptoms during the worst attacks and during flares were painful hunger and anxiety surge as the food was digesting. Extreme abdominal spasms, pain, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, confusion, body tension, ears ringing (it's not hypoglycemia) feeling like fighting for survival - almost always at night, but generally similar symptoms tend to increase as day goes by so towards afternoon/evening worse.

At worst I tried to remedy by eating meals very frequently becasue it calmed my belly and my nerves. Then when I got better I could eat just a normal 5 meals a day and no anxiety no belly aches etc. But a while ago I got some heartburn / LPR symptoms and started alkaline diet for short and it kind of improved but then the horrible belly spasms, anxeity, sweating came back again (I think this is the histamine dumps).

But lately as the belly thing came back, while I don't have those horrible attacks (which I think are adrenaline related too) It's still very uplessant and I don't have any answers.

Maybe acid is irrelevant but it's all something else..

I went to a GP to get some blood tests and some referral (been useless so far) and again she just told me to take PPIs and refereed to ultrasound but didn't even give any blood tests/ stool/ nothing. I don't want to take PPIs just becasue she's too lazy to think. Basically she insisted I'm psychiatric case. I'm so tired of this but have to figure out. I'm not taking any meds just lately started quercitine +vit C+rutin.

I live in a country hardly anyone knows about MCAS, and tests are not as available as in the States and maybe other countries. I read that to diagnose MCAS there are 3 critera. Symptoms, tryptase elevation, and improvement with MCAS stabilising meds. But tryptase test must be done like immediately when someone has a bad reaction or something. So, while I wait for allergist appointment (months away) I also wonder what's the odds they can measure my tryptase markers when I have symptoms on an off.

Why isn't enough to have immune system markers to diagnose MCAS? Or maybe I should start having some particular blood tests to have something to start with. A did some a while ago and most were fine, except some CRP and something else, and cortisol elevated, and aldosterone. But just want to get ahead with my treatment. I also honestly doubt the doctor will help. So far, my experience with specialists have been dismal. Everyone treats me like I'm crazy. (I don't have skin / visual symptoms. But have a lot hyperadrenal, psychiatric and GI ones but I am 100000% positive I am not psychiatrically ill becasue when my histamine comes down I'm happy go lucky and all optimistic. It's purely physical).

I have a few friends with MCAS who told me I very positively appear to have mast activation and from what I read it seems that too (+hyperpots).

PS. Do I need allerologist or immunologist?

I am new here. autistic+adhd, experienced extreme mental exhaustion + extreme stress that flipped me to experience prolonged what seemed like hyperarousal attacks a year ago, and then after some months of thinking I was recovering in Autumn last year. The attacks were more like adrenaline dumps that also had defo histamine component becasue I always felt like massive flu. Also massive belly spasms and hunger, felt like I was so tense fighting for life. Initrially tehye were short and in the second wave they lasted like 9-10 hours followed by extreme arousal insomna and shutdowns. During those attacks - triggered sometimes by small stress it always was like my belly locks up, my body's tensing and energy goes up causing heart palpitation, shallow breathing, and pushing the "energy" through my neck into my head with heat and ringing in my ears, often derealisation and survival mode. Sweating massively but chilly.. Do you also have some kind of attacks like that? What are they called?

I live in Poland. Here you hardly get any tests, everybody treats you like a crazy person. I moved past the worst since last winter scare of not having clue of what that was, not being able to talk to anyone but my mother. In between those attacks I had shutdown, extreme gating failure (oversensitization to many stimuli), derealisation, developed PTSD (from those attacks) and complete dysfunction- not able to cook, go to stores etc. Well actually for the entire autumn/winter I stayed at home alone, with mum sometimes coming to cook and overlook me, but I was unable to do anything, even not read, not watch screens, no music, complete silence, no stim. I didn't really get much medication but hydroxizine was helping like 1% sometimes and the anti anxiety meds caused me allergic reaction.

I've only been getting progressively more stable and ok-ish the last 2 months, low to none anxiety, no belly spasms, no attacks, sensitivity slightly improving. (But I'm also still in very low demand mode, alone at home, no work needed for a while, no major concerns). But the pollen season brought about symptoms of heartburn/respiratory reflux (that feels also like hay fever that I never had) and the familiar belly spasms, anxiety that feels purely physical and all of sudden when my symptoms come up/ or belly is empty. Not nearly as bad as before but raising my concerns.

Just trying to understand and make sense of all this mess :( Some people now, I a neurodivergent group I re-joined now tell me that I most likely have MCAS (as least to a degree) and defo some histamine response. All seems to makes sense. Now I again get those belly spasms, and sudden anxiety and tension when I've digested food (even after 2 h). Befor my surges happens so frequently I had to eat a proper smallish meal every 1h15mins but then sort of pushed thrpugh and retrained my brain to eat just 4-5 meals a day (normal), but now probably due to immune response back again getting really triggered. It's all very physical but starting to experince same stress, dizziness, derealisation. so many weird things...Although I'm not nearly as bad as many of you (don't have food allergies, pots, flushing, vomiting etc) I am not doing quite well and the flare up made me worry again. Also not knowing what its' all about and how to treat it, being on my own with it all, makes stress worse :(

I don't want to go on any regime protocols, strict elimination diets, or meds unless completely necessary, and I think I am very stable now. Don't want to take H - blockers for all the reasons people wrote here that it messes up the gut. But looking to learn ways to improve healing. I saw some folks here attened brain retraining courses that helped. How did you use them? I once had DNRS (memberhip ended sadly) for pain many years ago. So wondering how I can use it now.

I hope this pollen season won't blow me up again because I don't know if I can go through another round of this terror..

Just ordered some quercetin and maybe in the future will order luteolin based of some advice here. Although those products here are sparse. Also just took some Clatra today first time (bilastine). I just hope I can heal from this. I was already so optimistic.... trying to keep the chin up not to add stress/ histamine.

Hello friends. I once had a cat/kitten, but only for a year. She would wake me up by 5 am miawing incessantly without any other reason than to wake me up.

I loved her dearly, and would love another kitty companion, but I am neurodivergent and I need my sleep at night. I need like 9-10 hours sleep each night or I can't function. ok 8 would suffice as well. I live in a large flat, so it would be a 100% indoor car, fyi.

I was considering getting a young-ish adult cat from a shelter, for them to tell me if their character is more calm, but cats that might come with rough memories might come with their own sets of behavioural problems.

Can I get some perspective / advice if I'm seeing the situation correctly?

I'm a very non-linear neurodivergent person, writing a non-fiction book. I can't write in order. I write in segments that I feel intuitively where should land and how they will connect. But as I make write, I keep adding details, and I duplicate information because it fits in various parts, and I repeat myself and make things so much more "absolute" that it's overwhelming to navigate or edit.

English is not my first language. And I've never been a writer. I am an artist and write how I paint. Writing has become an important thing because there's no other way to express what I know other than in a book.

Not only I have trouble with writing well single sentences, but the whole book has become a monstrosity, I don't know how to continue. I'm on my eight rewrite (if you can call that because, I've never actually written the whole draft. But I feel the need to start over, to clean and clear the structure and content over and over, and keep making the same mistake—as explained above.

Can anyone advice? Especially I would appreciate from people, who work like me.

I'm a very non-linear neurodivergent person, writing a non-fiction book. I can't write in order. I write in segments that I feel intuitively where should land and how they will connect. But as I write, I keep adding details, and I duplicate information because it fits in various parts, and I repeat myself and make things so much more "absolute" that it's overwhelming to navigate or edit.

English is not my first language. And I've never been a writer. I am an artist and write how I paint. Writing has become an important thing because there's no other way to express what I know other than in a book.

Not only I have trouble with writing well single sentences, but the whole book has become a monstrosity, I don't know how to continue. I'm on my eight rewrite (if you can call that because, I've never actually written the whole draft. But I feel the need to start over, to clean and clear the structure and content over and over, and keep making the same mistake—as explained above.

Can anyone advice? Especially I would appreciate from people, who work like me.

I'm a very non-linear neurodivergent person, writing a non-fiction book. I can't write in order. I write in segments that I feel intuitively where should land and how they will connect. But as I write, I keep adding details, and I duplicate information because it fits in various parts, and I repeat myself and make things so much more "absolute" that it's overwhelming to navigate or edit.

English is not my first language. And I've never been a writer. I am an artist and write how I paint. Writing has become an important thing because there's no other way to express what I know other than in a book.

Not only I have trouble with writing well single sentences, but the whole book has become a monstrosity, I don't know how to continue. I'm on my eight rewrite (if you can call that because, I've never actually written the whole draft. But I feel the need to start over, to clean and clear the structure and content over and over, and keep making the same mistake—as explained above.

Can anyone advice? Especially I would appreciate from people, who work like me.

I don't gave a straight on MCAS (nor had any tests because in my country its not too easy). But definetely it is a component to my "disease" that is unknown. I also was exposed to toxi mould several month before developing very strong attacks, but also have Autism and ADHD and had long chronic stress. I don't have typical allergies that people with MCAS have, but have very strong histamine and adrenaline dumps tos tress and other phsycial and psychological symptoms similar to MCAS and dysautonomia. I figured that maybe cleaning gut can help? Anyone tried it? or know if it's recommended?

It's called "Hidden Wisdom of the Tao Te Ching: Ancient Teachings for Modern Life Mastery, Happiness & Flow — A Verse-by-Verse Guide to the Tao Te Ching for Emotional & Spiritual Well Being" by Taoist Master David James Lees.

I'm very curious because I used to follow David's channel. I heard two verses on his facebook and sounded like I really liked the simple approach. This book also has accompanying audio or something but I still haven't figured out what is the difference. I'm no expert in taoism, but I feel when something feels right and it did for me. I'm ordering it today.

I also mentioned it because there have been several questions here lately about the use of taoism for mental and spiritual wellbeing and anxiety etc. and I think this might be the connection. But like I said, I still haven't read the whole thing.

PS. Reading the replies below it goes to show that maybe reading the direct translations of TTC is was enough for the community members to understand concepts of non resistance and non judgment. So who knows maybe this book is more timely and needed than thought. Enjoy!

Having AuDHD and cptsd and anxiety and anxious attachment and defaluting to shutdown and complete isolation I isolated myself instantly. She's my only friend, kind of newish and online friend too. So my natural reaction was like "she doesn't care. no one does. why do i bother sharing anything only to get hurt. " etc. with naturally resentment, anger, pain of not being seen and all black and white thinking and ruminating going.

I instantly thought "the hell with it. I can celebrate myself, i am proud of myself. I don't need anyone". but while i did celebrate and was proud of myself, I hate going to that same old place where I instantly cross someone out of my life or at least hold a grudge, becasue pain is so unbearable and my self protection walls raise instantly when trust gets wobbly.

I would rationalise that she was busy and that she had her other big stuff going. But I have explained people my entire life in order to not ask for anything, not show needs, not be vulnerable. Time and time again my heart was broken and people betrayed my trust every single time. I am in my defensive, deep depressive place that's beyond reach now and am avoiding contact (not ghosting).

I wonder what is the way to go here? I read some place that it's where it would be wise to share my feelings without accusing that I didn;t feel seen or acknowlegded after sharing something very important. But that's so foreign for me. The only thing I know is to isolate and shutdown and ache.

Having aDHD and cptsd and anxiety and anxious attachment and defaluting to shutdown and complete isolation I isolated myself instantly. She's my only friend, kind of newish and online friend too. So my natural reaction was like "she doesn't care. no one does. why do i bother sharing anything only to get hurt. " etc. with naturally resentment, anger, pain of not being seen and all black and white thinking and ruminating going.
I instantly thought "the hell with it. I can celebrate myself, i am proud of myself. I don't need anyone". but while i did celebrate and was proud of myself, I hate going to that same old place where I instantly cross someone out of my life or at least hold a grudge, becasue pain is so unbearable and my self protection walls raise instantly when trust gets wobbly.
I would rationalise that she was busy and that she had her other big stuff going. But I have explained people my entire life in order to not ask for anything, not show needs, not be vulnerable. Time and time again my heart was broken and people betrayed my trust every single time. I am in my defensive, deep depressive place that's beyond reach now and am avoiding contact (not ghosting).
I wonder what is the way to go here? I read some place that it's where it would be wise to share my feelings without accusing that I didn;t feel seen or acknowlegded after sharing something very important. But that's so foreign for me. The only thing I know is to isolate and shutdown and ache.