u/htraptor

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Who knows. But here I am!

I'm Heather!

I’m into video games, dark romance, writing, Sleep Token, baking, memes, animals, and taking naps like I’ve just returned from war. I’m equally down to have deep 2am conversations or send you an absolutely unhinged IG reels with zero context.

My ultimate life goal is a log cabin somewhere snowy where no one can bother me. I hate spaghetti squash on a deeply personal level.

Anyway, if you’re also a little weird and need someone to yap with—hi. 🖤

Hiiiiiiii! 🥰🩷

You can call me H.

Fun facts about me! I'm 27, love to write, read dark romance, sing, play video games, bake, and crochet.

I have a black and white cat named Frank, I'm super lazy and love naps, and I'm a redhead!

I'm a bit introverted but when I get comfortable, can be funny, sarcastic, curse like a sailor, and fun to be around! I'm also always super supportive and will always be an ear for you :)

Come find me in my DMs!! 💕

Hiiiiiiii! 🥰🩷

You can call me H.

Fun facts about me! I'm 27, love to write, read dark romance, sing, play video games, bake, and crochet.

I have a black and white cat named Frank, I'm super lazy and love naps, and I'm a redhead!

I'm a bit introverted but when I get comfortable, can be funny, sarcastic, curse like a sailor, and fun to be around! I'm also always super supportive and will always be an ear for you :)

Come find me in my DMs!! 💕

We're having our rehearsal on Halloween this year (the day before our wedding)! We don't want to do any crazy makeup (especially me to avoid any breakouts and crazy cleanup).

But we LOVE Halloween. It's our favorite holiday and we're incorporating some themes into our wedding!

Any suggestions or cool ideas appreciated!

Looking for go-to perks for comp! Thanks!

I stopped watching Greys Anatomy a few seasons ago but would love for him to experience the best seasons/moments (bazooka, 007, the infamous burr holes, the hospital shooting, plane crash, etc). When do you suggest to stop? I won't make him watch all of it!

I want to practice my sleep dart as Ana and found a few custom lobbies online but can't search anything on OW. I can find the custom games part on the game but cannot find a way to specifically search for a game/creator. Everything online about finding it is years old and doesn't work.

How do I search? Thanks!

I've had for many years but was recently diagnosed with Executive Dysfunction/ADHD. I'm taking medication for it but it's a low dose and takes a while to start working.

I'm struggling severely with house chores. I can never motivate myself to do damn near ANYTHING.

I see a sink full of dishes and say, "I should do those dishes. I'd hate for my spouse to do it when they're busy and I'm not" but can never force myself to start the dishwasher.

I see baskets of laundry piling up in our room and know I should start it, but don't feel like it. It's hard because I HATE laundry.

I see messy floors that need a quick vacuum but can't do it.

My partner doesn't quite understand. He understands it's not laziness but it's still impacting him. And everytime he mentions it's not getting done, all I hear is, "you're failing."

When it comes to general cleaning, mirroring works. We clean together and I'm motivated. But most chores must be done by myself and I just don't have the ability to START.

Any tips?

I've had for many years but was recently diagnosed with Executive Dysfunction. I'm taking medication for it but it's a low dose and takes a while to start working.

I'm struggling severely with house chores. I can never motivate myself to do damn near ANYTHING.

I see a sink full of dishes and say, "I should do those dishes. I'd hate for my spouse to do it when they're busy and I'm not" but can never force myself to start the dishwasher.

I see baskets of laundry piling up in our room and know I should start it, but don't feel like it. It's hard because I HATE laundry.

I see messy floors that need a quick vacuum but can't do it.

My partner doesn't quite understand. He understands it's not laziness but it's still impacting him. And everytime he mentions it's not getting done, all I hear is, "you're failing."

When it comes to general cleaning, mirroring works. We clean together and I'm motivated. But most chores must be done by myself and I just don't have the ability to START.

Any tips?

I know it's a long one. But I am asking for advice. Please.

I just turned 27 years old yesterday. My parents didn’t really like each other and the pregnancy happened accidentally. They had started splitting up a few months after I was born. When I was 2, my parents officially divorced, mom getting custody. I went to my dad’s house every other weekend. 

The entire time growing up, my dad was never really there. He lived maybe 30 minutes from me. Never really showed up to any soccer games, swim meets, choir concerts. Or he’d show up late and pretend he was there the whole time, even when I knew the truth because I was always looking for him. 

When I’d go to his house on the weekends, he pretty much avoided me. He’s never had a lot of money (worked as a volunteer fireman and full-time police officer) and doesn’t know how to budget, so he had to work a decent amount. But I went to his house for a day and a half, really. He’d pick me up Friday evenings, keep me all day Saturday, take me back Sunday. The entire time, a multitude of things would happen:

1. He’d be off from the sheriff’s office (sometimes - occasionally he would work a shift or secretly pick up an off-duty detail for extra money without telling my mom) but would ALWAYS take a “fire run” - meaning when a 911 call was paged out (fire, medical, etc) and his fire department was needed, he’d be the first to go. He’d be gone for hours. I’d be stuck with his bitch of a fiancé (who HATED me, for absolutely no reason). 
2. He’d leave me at the house to run errands, even though I’d offer to go with him. I was young and didn’t know how to cook, so it became a running joke that I was nicknamed “Doritos” - because that was the only snack I was allowed to eat there and I would be so starving I’d eat the whole bag before he got home. His fiancé would either be working or if she was home, she wouldn’t cook. 
3. He’d send me outside to play all day, only to come in and eat a sandwich he made me, while he did stuff. I played with the only kids in the neighborhood who were like 7 years younger than me. Or he’d bring over my cousin who was my age and he wouldn’t really interact with me.

 

As the years went on, our relationship became more strained - puberty hit, life is happening, my dad isn’t apart of it, he’s forgetting birthdays, getting me Barbies at the age of 17 when I grew out of it years ago, guilt-tripping me for never wanting to call or making excuses to avoid coming over (before I was 18 and had to go over due to custody rights). 

When I turned 18, I stopped going over as much. I had my own car, and I’d really only go over to help if he needed it - taking care of his dog if no one else could help, assisting with moving something, etc. 

Here’s where it’s complicated for me emotionally.

My dad might have autism. Not where he’s low-functioning, but to where it might impact his social-emotional skills. I’ve always wondered if that’s why he struggles to connect with me and doesn’t realize that he’s often hurting me.

He also has severe, untreated depression (which he passed down to me). He has for a very long time and often vents to me about his life, saying he has absolutely nothing and no one, making me feel bad for him often. 

But here’s where that gets doubted - he has another son from another ex-wife. He’s about 10 years older than me. We will call him Jack. 

While Jack denies it to this day, he often treated Jack a LOT better than he did me. He threw him birthday parties, attended baseball games, fished and hunted with him. Their relationship is still strained, though. I’ve seen that growing up. They’re not close. I’ve spoken with Jack recently. He feels a lot of resentment towards his father because he never felt his father was TRULY there for him emotionally. We relate in that aspect. 

I’ve felt for a very long time that my dad has often discarded my emotions and needs, and I’ve never known why. For a while, I denied it. Then I wondered what I did wrong to create this. Then I wondered why he just didn’t want to be my DAD, not just a father. I had a lot of anger, and we were not close for 3-4 years. We spoke maybe once a month, never meeting up. It became awkward. 

There’s also just so much more bullshit in the span of my life. 

1. When I was a year old, when they were split up, my mom begged my dad to keep me for a weekend. Just one weekend because she had to pick up a long shift at the hospital as a nurse for money. He said yes. When she came to pick me up, she heard me screaming from outside the house. The front door was unlocked, I was in my crib, crying and screaming with my diaper full for at least 8 hours unchanged, starving and scared. My dad had gone to work and left me alone at home. 
2. When I was 4, my mom wanted to go on a vacation. She had a cruddy childhood, worked hard growing up, and had never gone on a vacation without me. Of course she had taken me on vacation with her many times, but wanted to go with her new partner (my stepdad now).  She asked my dad to please take the weekend off to take care of me. Dad called her two days in, saying I was being very good, but was very tired. Mom questioned it, and dad explained I hadn’t really moved from the couch in 12 hours. Wouldn’t walk, drink, or sleep. Mom immediately told him to take me to the emergency room, and my dad argued and refused. My mom packed up her trip, floored it back home, drove to my dad’s house and confronted him to where cops were almost called, until she ripped me from his house and drove me to the ER. I was severely sick and unconscious for a few days. 
3. My dad’s always been dirt broke. My mom made a good living for herself and offered to pay for a Disney World trip for him and I when I was about 14. DISNEY WORLD. It was incredibly generous, maybe too generous, but my dad took the offer. My mom even mentioned to maybe just make it an US trip - me and him. No him and his wife and me. Just me and him. He brought not only his wife, but his wife’s distant nephew who I did not like who was my age. I barely spoke to my dad during the vacation because he basically made me only talk to the cousin. I never told my mom the truth and only showed her pictures of my dad and I. 
4. When I was about 15, my dad and his fiance split for a few years. Somehow, my dad said the reason it happened was because of me - because I never came over enough and it created a rift between them. I didn't really know how to handle the fact I thought I ruined the one good thing my dad had in his life. It took a while for me to realize that was bullshit.
5. Things became less dramatic as I got older. But still painful. For example, he’s never planned a birthday party for me. Ever. And that’s okay. Last year, he offered to take me out for my birthday to dinner near me. When I picked the place, he said his wife would prefer steak and told me we’d be going somewhere else instead. I hate steak. This year, he threw a surprise party for his wife and asked me to help. I said yes. Helped with the entire party. He threw a party for my brother, though I couldn’t attend that time. My birthday was yesterday. He didn’t call me until the day before, saying he’d be up near my house in a few days to get his car worked on. Asked if I’d pick him up in the morning and drive us to breakfast and he’d pay. (I hate breakfast passionately.)

About 3 years ago, I started to tell myself that it will never get better with my dad and I had to make a choice - accept that this is who my dad will always be, or walk away. And I have always pitied him so much as a human - he’s always down on his luck, he’s had to come out of retirement twice (at the age of nearly 60) because he’s so broke, he has numerous medical issues, and he’s just a broken man. So I decided to just be someone in his life who would always be there for him. Because while he has a wife now (they got back together a few years later), she is a VERY shitty human being and I have always disliked her for my father. Not out of jealousy - she is just a plain manipulative, cold bitch to him. And while he does have his son, Jack, Jack has a wife with three kids, often working double night shifts to be able to put food on the table, and doesn’t want to be that close to my dad. 

So I made myself get over the pain he has caused me for years, the issues he has deep-rooted in me where I wonder if men will want to stay in my life, where I question my self-worth, etc. I pushed it all away just to be a PERSON in my dad’s corner. So if he has another heart attack, just like I did last time, I would be the first to the emergency room, even though I live 45 minutes away and they lived 10 minutes from him. How when he had surgery, I was driving 45 minutes from my house during a busy work week to bring him food so he wouldn’t cook because god knows his shitty wife wouldn’t do it. 

Recently, I’ve been questioning if I should just stop, though. I’m getting married in November. Everyone’s wondering if my dad will walk me down the aisle. I debated it for a while. Do I let him walk me because he’s been talking about this moment since I was a kid, even though I know he doesn’t love me the way I need him to? Do I tell him no, because he’s never been a good dad to me and it’s not fair for him to walk me down and be honest about why? Do I tell him no and lie, saying I just don’t believe in old traditions like that and I’ll walk myself?

A month ago, I decided I’d let him walk me. I have no clue how many years he has left on earth. Maybe that memory will be one he thinks of as he takes his last breath. I don’t want to take away that moment, even though maybe smaller for him than it is for me, from him just because I’m angry and hurt still at his lack of parenting. 

I’m just tired. I’ve excused him over and over again, for 27 years now, because of pity. And for some reason, even though the stuff this year isn’t that dramatic, I just feel that I’m at my breaking point. But I feel so guilty to leave him alone, because in the end, he will have no one. And maybe that’s his fault, but part of me - maybe the human part, maybe the daughter part, I don’t know - doesn’t WANT to cut contact because I just feel bad for him. Because maybe it’s autism and/or depression and/or his bad luck in life that has made him into a shitty father, and it would be a mistake for me to cut him off.

I know he’ll never change. I accepted that a few years ago. I just don’t know if I should cut contact. 

My husband is asking me to cut contact for my sake, because he’s tired of seeing me hurting and crying (I’ve cried fro the last two days, especially on my birthday when he didn’t even call). My mom is asking me to just give him the benefit of the doubt because he has issues and maybe can’t help it. My therapist just tells me to listen to my heart.

Any advice is appreciated. 

My cat was neutered Friday afternoon.

For food, on Friday he had one Churu.

Yesterday, he had 2 Churus and a can of food that I mixed with low-sodium chicken broth.

This morning, I gave him some hard Meow Mix.

He's urinated at least twice since surgery, but has had no bowel movement.

Should I be concerned or wait to see what happens?

There's a cat that has been coming up to my back porch for over a week now. He sleeps there. He sits here almost all day. We've gotten him a small shelter that's heated, put out food twice daily for him, fresh water, toys, and sit with him as much as we can.

I noticed today his butt is bleeding. It's not a lot or gushing, but it seems fresh and slightly bloody. I haven't noticed any weird signs besides the fact he is eating less the last 24 hours. I have no clue where he goes to the bathroom so I can't really monitor him. I also have severe allergies (I take allergy meds just to pet him and change my clothes everytime) and a huge pet restriction on our house we rent so I can't bring him in.

The difficult thing is I don't know if he's a stray or not. There's a house across the street that has maybe 15-20 outdoor cats that sit outside the house. They seem to just put dry food by the front door, not even in a bowl - just throw it haphazardly on the concrete. I left a note about this cat asking if it's theirs after they didn't answer the door, but haven't gotten a response yet.

I don't have a lot of money for a vet bill. I barely can afford the food I'm getting him now and I set aside some OT money for the house I just bought him.

What should I do?