u/itsgaymonth

Watching my dress up darling right now. I love it so far, but then I realized that I honestly wished I lived my high school years like that haha. I mean, It doesn't have to be a girl like Marin. Just a friend, even, who didn't call me an autistic weirdo for liking so many things or forgot about me the moment I graduated and instead encouraged me to keep following what I loved to do. I wish I had a grandfather who taught me a family craft rather than one who just bought things.

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I used to love watching anime. Now it hurts too much. I know it's meant to be a reality that's much more favourable than ours, but I never really felt this way before until recently.

My mum's an emotionally sensitive piece of work who gets mad at me whenever I mention therapy because to her logic none of those people gave birth to me and therefore they don't know me and I should stop telling them every problem I have that's bothering me. Yeah, she gives me a lot of things, money when I need it especially in this ridiculous job market where you can't even get a job cutting bread, but that's all there is to her, I guess. She's generous, religious, but boring, uninspiring, too sensitive. Lectures too much, even when I don't need it just to make herself look like she had the right ideas all along.

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My dad's just this random dude who talks just to agree with whatever my mum says, even though he goes behind her back alot and says the opposite. There's no balls on the guy. All he does is work and bootlick. And when he isn't bootlicking, he's busy thinking he's right all the time, even when it's a field where he isn't experienced in.

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I lived a shit life growing up. Private school, bullies, racism, and tons of injustice. Obviously I developed hatred for certain people, certain actions, but whenever I talk about it when it hurts too much, they just tell me to get over it.

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He can't even teach me driving because he takes over the wheel whenever I want to learn how to park. I can't drive around a roundabout without him going on and on about how I turn without a signal even though I could fucking hear and see the indicators on and have to tell him that I'm gonna turn it on before I do anything. I'm 20 for fucks sake. I'm the odd one out everywhere.

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There are people I genuinely look up to or get inspired by. Sometimes, groups of people, ethnicities, or cultures. Parents don't wanna hear it of course, they say that it's not mine to join in with so it shouldn't be that affecting, or they didn't grow up with me so I don't have a right to say they're good people.

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I haven't met my uncles and aunts and grandparents and cousins in forever. I didn't grow up in a life where you can just drive to them or theyd come visit you all of a sudden. They were all abroad and don't bother visiting us for some reason or another. Whenever we visit them, I look more in the fact that I get to stay in their place and eat whatever I want just because we're family than being actual family. I guess I'm just emotionally exhausted and selfish derived from said exhaustion, but I really just don't see the value aside from the free stuff. You're telling me that my performative and awkward cousin who can't keep a conversation is supposed to immediately be my best friend because we're blood related? Fuhh no man, if there was ww3, I wouldn't mourn any of your deaths

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Seriously, I cant wait to graduate with my degrees and join the army. Hopefully I can get the officer role I want, but anything is better than this.

I got rejected from my application for government services on a student allowance because I kind of need the money. It'd help with my mum working just to give me my allowance, my dad's kind of busy with the house and other stuff. I haven't been hired by anyone in more than a hundred attempts.

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I had an argument with her because I wasn't too happy about being rejected, I hung up the phone after the phone went blank after we spoke and she got mad because I hung up immediately when none of us were talking into it, she got mad because I was apparently disrespectful and uncourteous about it.

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She keeps lecturing me whenever I vent, I keep telling her that it's not right to do so when someone's in a bad state of mind, but she keeps getting mad and thinks that I'm selfish and I have to think about what she feels too. I told her that this was the last time I was gonna talk to her about my problems and I'm going to keep talking to a therapist. She broke on the call and cried because "the therapist didnt give birth to me and fed me growing up."

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I feel so frustrated that I'm alone, I have no friends to talk about this to, I'm sitting in my dark room writing this waiting for everything to subside, I planned to have dinner, but I think I'm going to skip that because I just feel like throwing up. That's all I've felt this week, I've gotten drunk on weekdays and played games alone while getting mad at everyone with a Chinese username who kills me or does something stupid. I rather go on a walk with someone dumb enough to hear me out instead of living more of this life.

Is it an indicator? Or do I need to update firmware, etc? I already downloaded the drivers but the update isn't moving

I went to a cosplay convention today and it was a literal in your face nightmare; it's a social event where you can't socialize because everyone's already found their place within each other. Imagine sitting down and closing your eyes just trying to rest after hours of walking and greeting people in character and someone comes up to you asking for pics because y'all are wearing the same cosplay, and you realize why you decided to close your eyes in the first place, you see the person approaching you with a group of friends ready to laugh with each other once they're done taking pics mannnn...

All I really do is spend so much money trying to get every detail right and secured, but even then it doesnt really matter because some dude who didn't even try is out there making out or whatever while you're sitting playing... Umamusume or some other form of media to try and make yourself happier and have another voice to make it seem like your being spoken to. I hate this. I don't even know why I go out to these events.

Yeah, the keychains and the merchandise are adorable and they're nice to have and they're the only way I can find some sort of happiness or dopamine or whatever may be the science is. Yeah, it's nice to see other people smile because you dressed as someone they like, but really I just feel like a jester bro.

All I do is walk to university, go grocery shopping, and go home. The only thing that's keeping me alive is the fact that I can get a great paying job after I'm done with my bachelor's and master's, because I rely way too much on material things to stay happy and all I do is keep buying stuff even with money I barely have

I've genuinely tried to go on dating apps and make friends but every single person here is so unnecessarily cold and flaky, maybe it's just a thing here in Australia where they just prefer the ones they made like 20 years ago growing up but damn man, I hate it,

I hate not having a hand to hold when I'm tired and I hate having all these thoughts but no one to share it with so I lowkey take twice the dosage of sleeping supplements to help myself sleep earlier and calm down. I post too much on my social media stories because apparently that's what happens when you don't have a solid social connection with anyone and you keep too many thoughts to yourself