u/iubworks-art

What about in the cases of out of control eating disorders that end up killing you slowly despite you not intending to take your own life?

I’m embarrassed even admitting this. My liver is failing, I’m pre diabetic, I have insulin resistance, and my eating disorder shows no signs of slowing down. My mom even took away any access to money I have in a last ditch effort to get me off of food apps. But that’s not working.

I’m in therapy, obviously, but thus far I’ve been mostly resistant to it, meaning it’s not really working. I’m trying. God, I’m trying, but the trauma and self hatred runs too deep.

This has been weighing on my mind a lot. I’m not trying to kill myself. Yes I am self harming but I’m also self soothing through food. Because I don’t know how else to comfort myself. I have no friends. I can rarely talk to my family about how much I’m hurting before they get sick if it. I only see my therapist once every 2-3 weeks.

But I can’t deny it may very well be the reason for my death in a few years. I have no control. My duas pleading for help with my eating disorder among other things like a sin I keep falling back into keep going unanswered. I can’t understand why. I’m trying not to cry rn, but why? I hate doing this sin. I hate that I keep falling into it. I hate that I can’t control how much I eat, what I eat. I hate that the mental healthcare system is so bad here that BED is not taken seriously like bulimia and anorexia are. I have sought help so many times only to be turned away.

I’m scared. I’m morbidly obese. I’m gaining so much weight. I can’t stop. I want to stop. But it’s like a compulsion. I can’t stop.

I’m not saying all of this for you to feel sorry for me. The world has not treated me kindly, but I’m here to seek reassurance. If I die because of my eating disorder, will I stay in Jahannam forever? Will I go to Jahannam? Will my death be ruled as a suicide, when I’m not eating to die, rather to harm and comfort myself in a never ending, vicious cycle?

I don’t know. I’m lost.

What about in the cases of out of control eating disorders that end up killing you despite you not intending to take your own life?

I’m embarrassed even admitting this. My liver is failing, I’m pre diabetic, I have insulin resistance, and my eating disorder shows no signs of slowing down. My mom even took away any access to money I have in a last ditch effort to get me off of food apps. But that’s not working.

I’m in therapy, obviously, but thus far I’ve been mostly resistant to it, meaning it’s not really working. I’m trying. God, I’m trying, but the trauma and self hatred runs too deep.

This has been weighing on my mind a lot. I’m not trying to kill myself. Yes I am self harming but I’m also self soothing through food. Because I don’t know how else to comfort myself. I have no friends. I can rarely talk to my family about how much I’m hurting before they get sick if it. I only see my therapist once every 2-3 weeks.

But I can’t deny it may very well be the reason for my death in a few years. I have no control. My duas pleading for help with my eating disorder among other things like a sin I keep falling back into keep going unanswered. I can’t understand why. I’m trying not to cry rn, but why? I hate doing this sin. I hate that I keep falling into it. I hate that I can’t control how much I eat, what I eat. I hate that the mental healthcare system is so bad here that BED is not taken seriously like bulimia and anorexia are. I have sought help so many times only to be turned away.

I’m scared. I’m morbidly obese. I’m gaining so much weight. I can’t stop. I want to stop. But it’s like a compulsion. I can’t fucking stop.

I’m not saying all of this for you to feel sorry for me. The world has not treated me kindly, but I’m here to seek reassurance. If I die because of my eating disorder, will I stay in Jahannam forever? Will I go to Jahannam? Will my death be ruled as a suicide, when I’m not eating to die, rather to harm and comfort myself in a never ending, vicious cycle?

I don’t know. I’m lost.