u/kerghan41

It was 102 degrees outside. I rode down to the lake where there is a 1.3 mile trail. I then rode the 30 laps around the trail while listening to my metal playlist. I picked one of the hottest parts of the day to avoid people on the trail.

There was some kind of party thing at the picnic table building but other than that I had the trail to myself.

After a few laps I got into a groove/trance like state and just kept going until I was out of water. It felt great. Mind was quiet.

I'm sure it looked odd to others. Large man, shaved head, beard going white, sweating profusely, head banging to System of a Down and churning out laps.

Felt amazing afterwards though. Came home then took the dog for a short walk.

I am very stereotypically autistic. My last girlfriend from a few years ago described me as 'Sheldon like.' That gives you an idea of how I am.

I don't have a mean or malicious bone in my body. I am neutral on almost everything and am fact very passive. I dedicate myself fully to being a father and putting all I can into it. I was divorced five years ago by my exwife. I've had two relationships since then. The first I was masking heavily trying to be 'normal.' The second I was dating an autistic women. I told her I was Ace/Asexual but I was pressured into sex and gave into it because I didn't want her to leave.

In relationships I can be rather... inattentive. It is NOT meant to state that I do not care about them. I do... a lot. I want someone in my life. Someone who understands me, relates to me, can emphasize with how I see the world.

But, I look at my track record in relationships. I forget Valentine's Day. I forget other important dates such as birthdays. (I always remember Christmas and usually do pretty well there as far as gifts.)

I don't know how to emotionally comfort someone. I guess because I've never needed emotionally comforting myself? I've clawed my way up into a senior business executive position through grit and tenacity. No college. Everything self taught through sheer intensity. Almost ludicrous intensity... to the point where I harm myself. My intensity when it comes to getting a project done surpasses everyone I've met.

But it takes a ton out of me. On top of that I have my kids who I have 50% of the week. In another 6 years they will all be mostly grown and I'll be 46. I look at my past relationships and with each one I was told repeatedly that I am not doing enough, that I'm not there for them, that I'm cold, detached, etc....

I thought that by dating an autistic women it would be different, but it was in fact even more volatile than my previous relationships.

It has been two years since my last relationship. I have a deep desire to connect to someone. To share my day with them and learn about them. But, it seems that my autism interrupts this and women who were interested retreat.

I know my faults. I know I don't compliment them enough. I don't use words of affirmation. I don't initiate sex (I'm asexual). I don't dote on them. I don't buy random gifts or send texts saying I'm thinking of you. I'm not romantic.

I know all of this now. I know that I am not the typical boyfriend. At this point in my life, at exactly middle aged, I am not sure what I want. Ideally, I'd have someone I could meet for dinner or drinks a few times a week. I could share my week, they could share theirs, we could talk about a movie or show we watched, or maybe a book we've been reading. Just someone... someone I can share my thoughts, ideas, desires with.

It isn't about sex. It never has been. I don't care about it and never liked it in the first place. I just want someone who cares about me... ACTUALLY cares about me, and I will care about them. I think... I probably care too much. Whenever a women shows any interest in me I fall head over heels and will do anything for them. It is such a rare occurrence to have anyone actually like me... that I'll do anything to preserve it. I'm paying my exwife $4,000 a month. I've gave one women $3,000 dollars after a couple dates because she 'needed' the money. I've helped two women move by using my truck and breaking my back. I'll do anything to have someone close to me.

I won't mention all the things I've done or sacrificed to try and maintain a relationship... but it has been a lot. Money, health, my body... anything to keep someone staying with me. But it never lasts, they end up leaving because I didn't do X, Y or Z and I am left feeling hollow and alone.

I have NEVER been angry or upset with them. I would never do that. I am always calm, neutral, and steady. I want them to feel safe. The three women I've ever dated all suffered from some form of SA. For a while at least, I guess I felt safe to them... but they left after time had passed.

Please don't misread this. I am NOT blaming women, at all. I know I am strange and or odd. I know that I rarely show affection... if at all. It is NOT because I do not feel affection towards you... it is that I do not know how, or that it feels alien to me. Asking me to compliment my partner is so strange to me. What do I say? When do I say it? How frequently do I say it? Should I record the last time and date that I said it so that I can set a calendar reminder to say it again in X days? What if I said the wrong thing? What is the right thing? Should I ask her what the right thing is?

I like to think if I had genie at my disposal and I could conjure any kind of relationship I could it would be with a women who accepts me for how I am. They understand that I need time to myself. They understand my routines and my intense anxiety when things are changed last minute... or even days in advance. They understand that all I want in the world is for someone to accept me. To not have to mask or pretend. TO just... be me.

I don't really have a point to this post... just that it has been on my mind tonight and I've had a few beers. Thanks for reading and hope you all have a wonderful night.

Had it for 8 years. Always use this and TorianKel for user names. Hahah.

Someone will say something either online or in person and it is an idiom or phrase that I haven't heard before. I'll then ask for clarification so I can understand... and I get laughed at, infantilized, or whatever else.

In my teenage years and up until recently I stopped doing this and stayed ignorant of what they meant as a way to protect myself. I don't care as much anymore so I ask... but then it leads to this.

I'll still ask on future instances but it can be frustrating.

I can't stand electric scooters. A child was killed on one of them in my area by being hit by a car. I walk the dog multiple times a day and see kids using them everywhere. No helmets, sometimes two on one scooter, flying down the street, blowing through intersections.

They are just asking to be hit by a distracted driver. And on top of that... it is just another way for people to be lazy. Why not ride a bike? Get some exercise in while you're outside in stead of just... standing there and letting a machine work for you.

I wasn't diagnosed until my divorce 5 years ago at 35. At that time I had 3 children with my exwife. The diagnosis made everything make sense to me. Why I was how I was and why I could never really connect. My exwife said she never connected with me even after 15 years together.

Before the marriage and after the marriage I have always prided myself on being the absolute best father I can be to my children. They are my purpose. I'll be the first to admit I neglected my wife over my children and that was part of the reason for separation. (There were a host of other reasons including me being autistic and her converting to an extreme sect of Christianity.)

Even though I try my hardest with my kids I know I fall short in a lot of areas due to my autism. I thought I'd write a few sentences of what I do right... and what I do wrong. My oldest is 14.5 and she is going into high school, my middle daughter is 12, and my son is nearly 8.

Right

• I have my kids every Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. Don't see them Thursday and have them every Friday, Saturday, and early Sunday morning. The way this works out there are only 2 days a week where I don't see them and when school starts I have lunch with my son on Mondays so only 1 day a week with my youngest.
• I tell them I love them at least twice a day, kiss them on the head, and hug them goodnight. I do this because I know I should and my dad didn't do it to me. I have alexithymia and know that I don't show love how normal people do. I show love through routine, dedication, providing, and loyalty.
• When they were younger I was always the parent on the playground joining in the fun with my kids. Chasing them, hide and seek, fish out of water, whatever. Today we went to the pool and I was in there the entire 2 hours running around, throwing them, water gun fights, etc. The other parents just sat on the chairs with their phones. (But I'm terrified of socializing so I prefer the pool with my kids)
• Friends - I was and am very bad at socializing but I wanted to make sure my children had friends. We live in a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood. We've had a neighbor girl practically living at our house for 6 years. My oldest and her are best friends. It took my middle daughter until 5th grade to make a friend but now she has a group of 3 that she hangs out with. I invite them over to our house every few weeks and they have a blast. I'm cordial with the parents. I do the same with my son, I find out his friends and parents and do introductions then invite them over. It is almost always at my house and 1 on 1 with my kid and their friend. This always worked best for me as a kid and I think they really enjoy it.
• I was raised in an extremely conservative house. Anything out of the normal was considered deviant and unacceptable. I raise my kids to be accepting of everyone and to understand them. Not everyone has the same life and routines that they do, so it is best to reflect on that and to try to realize where other people are coming from. A phrase I say a lot "Your normal is YOURS and no one elses."
• I was able to absorb the divorce financially by selling a side business. I pay their mom $4,000 a month in child support and alimony. She was able to buy a home of her own 2 miles from me. I work remote all day so when the kids are here I'm always available and many times when they are here I relax a bit with work and go hard on the days I don't have them. My oldest daughter will come up and sit in the guest recliner in my office and we'll chat about all kinds of things.
• Their mother is extremely religious and attends 'Assembly of God' Pentecostal church. I am VERY agnostic and never understood religion. I tell my kids I'll love you no matter what you believe, but make sure you REALLY believe it and not just parroting what others tell you. If you want to be AOG Christian, then fine. If you want to be Muslim, Hindi, Catholic, whatever... fine. But exercise critical thinking and understand what you are believing.
• I'm obsessed staying active and fit. My kids have seen me cycle 100 miles in a day, lift 400 pounds, walk 20 miles with my dog, etc. I try to show excitement towards staying in shape. We all eat relatively healthy.

Wrong

• I have alexithymia and don't understand emotions. I am always neutral. I don't do meltdowns or anything like that, never have. I'm just... flat. I tell my kids I love them and I'll always be here for them but I don't know how to comfort someone when they are upset. When they were younger if they got hurt I'd be there and held them and talked to them. Now that I have nearly two teenagers it has been ok because... they're mostly flat like me. So, I don't really have much to comfort there. When I was a teenager I never rebelled, got angry, or any of that. I'm more or less how I am now, flat. My daughters are mostly like that too.
• I am very bad at socializing. I don't talk to people. I work remote full time. I walk the dog and cycle. I have one friend from high school I see a few times a year but other than that I talk to no one and I know my kids see that.
• I am VERY routine driven and get frustrated if I can't do my routines. On Saturdays I tell my kids I can do ONE thing a day. For example, I can go to the park and do a hike with them but the rest of the day I need to sit in a dark room and recover. Or, we can have 2 friends over but I need the morning to prepare in my dark room and afterwards I'll be burnt out. Also, we've been having bacon and eggs every Saturday morning for the past 5 years. My middle complained about it and... I didn't mean to but I know I looked hurt. She retracted it... and I went back to doing it every Saturday.
• I probably rely on screens a bit more than I should. I love computers and have built a lot of them. Each kid has their own computer and mine all in the same room. We'll game together, they'll watch YouTube, Minecraft, Roblox, etc. I make sure they do chores, they get exercise, and we have off time from screens. We don't do tablets though.
• I connect best when sharing something with my kids. Sharing a fact I learned or most of all sharing a form of media with them. Movies, television, audiobooks, podcasts, etc. They humor me but I'm sure my oldest is sick of hearing about Napoleon. I have noticed my kids will reach out to me to share something with me and I always say yes and go see what they want to share.
• I worry that my kids won't know what a relationship looks like. The only way I ever got married was her pursuing me and me being lead towards that path. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted kids, but I'm very passive and had to be guided towards it. (Looking back, she manipulated me a lot and I just didn't know.)
• I worry I'm not preparing them for life enough. I never went to college and carved my own path to an executive leadership position. BUT, I am VERY intense with work and dedication. I don't expect them to be that way, I just want them to be happy. My oldest has said she wants to be a tattoo artist, and I'll fully support her.

Conclusion

I'm sure there is more I could write here but its late, the kids are finally asleep and I'm winding down for the night. Thank you for reading.

One other interesting point, their mother is volatile Aries type person. Short to anger and can yell a lot. I was always neutral and passive during these events when she would do these to me. She does this with the kids too. I hope that my calming neutral...deadpan demeanor helps serve as a calming presence against her mannerisms.

I wasn't diagnosed until my divorce 5 years ago at 35. At that time I had 3 children with my exwife. The diagnosis made everything make sense to me. Why I was how I was and why I could never really connect. My exwife said she never connected with me even after 15 years together.

Before the marriage and after the marriage I have always prided myself on being the absolute best father I can be to my children. They are my purpose. I'll be the first to admit I neglected my wife over my children and that was part of the reason for separation. (There were a host of other reasons including me being autistic and her converting to an extreme sect of Christianity.)

Even though I try my hardest with my kids I know I fall short in a lot of areas due to my autism. I thought I'd write a few sentences of what I do right... and what I do wrong. My oldest is 14.5 and she is going into high school, my middle daughter is 12, and my son is nearly 8.

Right

• I have my kids every Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. Don't see them Thursday and have them every Friday, Saturday, and early Sunday morning. The way this works out there are only 2 days a week where I don't see them and when school starts I have lunch with my son on Mondays so only 1 day a week with my youngest.
• I tell them I love them at least twice a day, kiss them on the head, and hug them goodnight. I do this because I know I should and my dad didn't do it to me. I have alexithymia and know that I don't show love how normal people do. I show love through routine, dedication, providing, and loyalty.
• When they were younger I was always the parent on the playground joining in the fun with my kids. Chasing them, hide and seek, fish out of water, whatever. Today we went to the pool and I was in there the entire 2 hours running around, throwing them, water gun fights, etc. The other parents just sat on the chairs with their phones. (But I'm terrified of socializing so I prefer the pool with my kids)
• Friends - I was and am very bad at socializing but I wanted to make sure my children had friends. We live in a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood. We've had a neighbor girl practically living at our house for 6 years. My oldest and her are best friends. It took my middle daughter until 5th grade to make a friend but now she has a group of 3 that she hangs out with. I invite them over to our house every few weeks and they have a blast. I'm cordial with the parents. I do the same with my son, I find out his friends and parents and do introductions then invite them over. It is almost always at my house and 1 on 1 with my kid and their friend. This always worked best for me as a kid and I think they really enjoy it.
• I was raised in an extremely conservative house. Anything out of the normal was considered deviant and unacceptable. I raise my kids to be accepting of everyone and to understand them. Not everyone has the same life and routines that they do, so it is best to reflect on that and to try to realize where other people are coming from. A phrase I say a lot "Your normal is YOURS and no one elses."
• I was able to absorb the divorce financially by selling a side business. I pay their mom $4,000 a month in child support and alimony. She was able to buy a home of her own 2 miles from me. I work remote all day so when the kids are here I'm always available and many times when they are here I relax a bit with work and go hard on the days I don't have them. My oldest daughter will come up and sit in the guest recliner in my office and we'll chat about all kinds of things.
• Their mother is extremely religious and attends 'Assembly of God' Pentecostal church. I am VERY agnostic and never understood religion. I tell my kids I'll love you no matter what you believe, but make sure you REALLY believe it and not just parroting what others tell you. If you want to be AOG Christian, then fine. If you want to be Muslim, Hindi, Catholic, whatever... fine. But exercise critical thinking and understand what you are believing.
• I'm obsessed staying active and fit. My kids have seen me cycle 100 miles in a day, lift 400 pounds, walk 20 miles with my dog, etc. I try to show excitement towards staying in shape. We all eat relatively healthy.

Wrong

• I have alexithymia and don't understand emotions. I am always neutral. I don't do meltdowns or anything like that, never have. I'm just... flat. I tell my kids I love them and I'll always be here for them but I don't know how to comfort someone when they are upset. When they were younger if they got hurt I'd be there and held them and talked to them. Now that I have nearly two teenagers it has been ok because... they're mostly flat like me. So, I don't really have much to comfort there. When I was a teenager I never rebelled, got angry, or any of that. I'm more or less how I am now, flat. My daughters are mostly like that too.
• I am very bad at socializing. I don't talk to people. I work remote full time. I walk the dog and cycle. I have one friend from high school I see a few times a year but other than that I talk to no one and I know my kids see that.
• I am VERY routine driven and get frustrated if I can't do my routines. On Saturdays I tell my kids I can do ONE thing a day. For example, I can go to the park and do a hike with them but the rest of the day I need to sit in a dark room and recover. Or, we can have 2 friends over but I need the morning to prepare in my dark room and afterwards I'll be burnt out. Also, we've been having bacon and eggs every Saturday morning for the past 5 years. My middle complained about it and... I didn't mean to but I know I looked hurt. She retracted it... and I went back to doing it every Saturday.
• I probably rely on screens a bit more than I should. I love computers and have built a lot of them. Each kid has their own computer and mine all in the same room. We'll game together, they'll watch YouTube, Minecraft, Roblox, etc. I make sure they do chores, they get exercise, and we have off time from screens. We don't do tablets though.
• I connect best when sharing something with my kids. Sharing a fact I learned or most of all sharing a form of media with them. Movies, television, audiobooks, podcasts, etc. They humor me but I'm sure my oldest is sick of hearing about Napoleon. I have noticed my kids will reach out to me to share something with me and I always say yes and go see what they want to share.
• I worry that my kids won't know what a relationship looks like. The only way I ever got married was her pursuing me and me being lead towards that path. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted kids, but I'm very passive and had to be guided towards it. (Looking back, she manipulated me a lot and I just didn't know.)
• I worry I'm not preparing them for life enough. I never went to college and carved my own path to an executive leadership position. BUT, I am VERY intense with work and dedication. I don't expect them to be that way, I just want them to be happy. My oldest has said she wants to be a tattoo artist, and I'll fully support her.

Conclusion

I'm sure there is more I could write here but its late, the kids are finally asleep and I'm winding down for the night. Thank you for reading.

One other interesting point, their mother is volatile Aries type person. Short to anger and can yell a lot. I was always neutral and passive during these events when she would do these to me. She does this with the kids too. I hope that my calming neutral...deadpan demeanor helps serve as a calming presence against her mannerisms.

Never have seen the point of this. It could be relationships, friendships, or family. If they try to argue with me I'm just going to shutdown and not say anything. If I can, I'll leave the room.

I think this is due to a variety of reasons:

• Being overwhelmed by pressure and having to absorb everything they are saying and at the same time think of a response quickly to keep the argument going.
• Not caring enough about the topic. 99% of the time I do not care and will just give in to whatever they're pushing for because I rarely care enough to fight for something.
• I have an intense desire for peace and despise conflict. If there is a conflict I'll placate them the best I can just to stop the argument.

With these points in mind, I am so much happier single then when I was married or in other relationships. I would be pressured into so many things just because I didn't want an argument and the stress that came with them. I was pressured into large purchases, pressured into buying a house I didn't want, pressured into sex, etc.

Now, I don't have people constantly wanting to pick fights with me. I work remote. I rarely leave the house outside of walking the dog or bike rides. I can focus on my studies of history and just be at peace.

I do get lonely but I know another relationship would bring immense stress and I'd end up giving pieces of myself away again.

It's kind of ironic to a lot of people though as I am a large man, was into bodybuilding, shaved head, mustache, etc. I 'look' tough and domineering but I am the exact opposite. I'm as passive as they come.

It is all the random characters that some of the actors play throughout the different shows. For example, Jeffery Combs playing Weyoun in DS9 and the Andorian in Enterprise. Or, Ethan Phillips playing Neelix and then a Ferengi in Enterprise. Rene Auberjonois as Odo and then showing up as Ezral in Enterprise.

Many times the makeup is so good I don't recognize them but I find their voice comforting only to realize later that it is the same actor. I haven't watched Enterprise in 20 plus years so it is like a new experience to me again and it is so cool to see actors from other Star Trek series showing up randomly.

It's early morning here, 5 AM. Server is usually quiet this time of day. I'm not even in the tower, but on the roof of the firehouse tower. I'm prone and watching the railyard while I catch up on e-mails.

All is quiet, like I expect it to be. But then suddenly I hear another player 'groan,' like they're sick or hurt. The scary part was it sounded CLOSE. I'm on the roof, no one is here. But the sound keeps getting closer.

I crawl backwards towards the far side of the roof so I can hide behind the cement barrier. Only thing I can see now is the top of the ladder. I wait.

More groans/player sounds. I hear them switch guns and it is CLOSE. I drop my rifle, drop my SMG, and then pick it up to avoid the weapon noise. I wait.

Silence for about 15 seconds and then gunshot... and what sounded like a body falling. I wait 2 minutes and descend the ladder down towards the main roof of the building.

There they are... right at the foot of the ladder. They were so damn close and had an R-12. Ugh.

Thankfully, they killed themselves and left me a bunch of canned peaches, sodas, bottled water, and some needed duct tape. I gathered the supplies and ascended back to my perch.

I had 10 tetra on me... but I wasn't going to offer it. Lol.

I'm 40 years old next month and these are still just a complete mystery to me. Now, I'm not one of those people who just hate religion... it is more of a I don't understand. I am agnostic and have been agnostic all my life. As a child I was only brought to church a couple of times and I hated it and requested my parents not take me back. It was too loud, too chaotic, too many noises, and the singing/instruments.

As I matured into a teenager and even to an adult I didn't realize religion was a thing people actually believed fully. I thought it was a social ritual that just wasn't spoken about and that it was just something people did to be part of a group. Just like so many other things like sports, clubs, bars, etc. It took me until my 30s when my exwife hardcore converted to Christianity and eventually to Pentecostal denomination.

There I really saw how people believe religion. Given at the time I was bias because I didn't want to lose my wife but looking back critically the entire thing was very bizarre to me. I had 2 other relationships after my marriage. One was with a the daughter of a Methodist preacher, although she was agnostic so religion didn't come up too much. The second was with an autistic women who was not Christian but very spiritual. To this day I'm not really sure what that means.

I think I am a bit envious of those who have faith or who are spiritual. I know that I never could or can do this. I'm not trying to sound like an ass, but my mind is too logical. If I tried to believe in something like this I know it would just be another mask and would be betraying myself.

I guess what I don't understand is why it is so important to people. I have my strict daily routines that I rarely deviate from. Every hour of the day is scheduled and tasked with an activity. There are breaks in between but for the most part my routine keeps me steady.

So, I guess in a way... routine is my religion? I don't know if that makes sense. I also get a sense of euphoria from intense workouts like weight lifting, long distance cycling, or other activities that I guess could be seen as religious like?

Religion itself seems... silly to me. I recall, before my divorce, going to church with my exwife one time. During the sermon I couldn't help but laugh out loud a few times. I found it all so incredulous that it was funny and then I thought it was even funnier that the people here actually believed this.

I know it was an asshole move and it is one of the reasons I typically avoid the topic of religion or going to any kind of church in general. I do wonder what it is like to fully believe and accept something like that.

I've also had religious people tell me, "You haven't had any struggles or loss, when you do you'll turn to God." I'm puzzled by this as I'm 40 years old. I've lost family members. I've struggled through a divorce, through supporting my children, struggled with autism, etc. But none of that has ever made me even consider turning to a God.