u/potassiyummm26

I hate it when people say anxiety isn’t serious, because I know damn well it is. there isn’t a moment in my life where I’m not overthinking things. I can’t enjoy any hobbies without worrying about them. collecting? I can’t make a purchase without worrying about wasting money, and I can’t receive gifts without worrying about the other person’s money. drawing? I’m constantly worried that my art isn’t as good as the last time I drew. also, neither of these things actually distract me from my anxieties

my only ”hobby” that actually somewhat distracts me is spending time with wasps. yeah, you heard me. those creatures that everyone despises. the issues with this are: I have to find wasps first which is kinda hard , i can’t actually touch them and that drives me crazy, I look insane when I talk to them, and weather causing them to not be active.

i have medical issues caused by my anxiety. I have bladder issues caused by multiple anxieties around peeing since I was literally, like, 6, because I was scared of pissing myself, so I would repeatedly use the bathroom multiple times every time I left my house. I’m getting over this, since now I’m facing the consequence, but I still do it. I have digestive problems due to anxiety. my anxiety causes sleep issues. I also have ARFID and anemia, so I’m always about to faint.

i can’t do anything without being anxious. ANYTHING. every moment I’m constantly thinking of things that upset me, and nothing has gotten rid of my horrible thoughts. my brain is against me. it constantly finds everything it can to prove me wrong and make me upset.

my mother asks me “are you having those thoughts?” all the time, but she never understands. I am ALWAYS having ”those thoughts.” literally constantly. I’m always afraid of something new, usually about becoming or being something I don’t wanna be. there is not a single moment I am not having thoughts that upset me besides when I’m passed out.

nothing works to make my worries hurt less. I’ve tried everything. accepting them, arguing against them, distracting yourself, talking to someone, etc etc. nothing works. I literally cannot live like this anymore. I haven’t been happy since the last time I went tubing …. and then I couldn’t walk for a day because I was so incredibly sore from repeatedly getting flung out of a tube across a lake at high speeds lmao.

i just don’t know why my mind can’t just shut up. anxiety about things like purchases, little fears, and stuff like that is one thing, but anxieties about who you are as a person? that messes you up. badly. and I can never not think about it. and whenever I try to ignore it, I start panicking because the thing I don’t want didn’t upset me, so that must mean that I want it, and I just spiral and spiral…

this is exhausting. does it ever get better?

I’d like to preface this with the fact that I know that I have mental problems, and this isn’t a normal questioning experience.

so, the title is basically it. I wanna be a girl, but my mind won’t leave me alone. I know that I feel happiest when I feel like I’m a girl. I know I feel bad when I even consider being a boy again. I’m a detransitioner, I detransitioned because I genuinely wanted to be a girl, not due to a lack of support. now I’m constantly worried that I was never actually a girl, or that I’ll end up a boy again. and every time I say that I don‘t wanna be a trans boy I start worrying that that means that I wanna be a cis boy, and then I wanna throw up from overwhelm and nausea.

I kinda dislike my chest? a little??? I don’t actually, but I’m paranoid that I will, so I dread getting dressed every day, and when I do, I look at myself in the mirror forever almost to prove that I’m fine with my chest.

(context for this next part, I’m intersex)

whenever I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t like my face because it looks to masculine, I worry that it’s actually because it looks too feminine. (I know that makes no sense). My face is extremely masculine, and I have facial hair that I’m much too exhausted to shave. and I don’t mind having facial hair, and then that makes me worried about if means that I want to be a man. I just can’t leave myself alone.

i just don’t feel like a woman. I’m fine with calling myself a girl, but when anyone else does it, I cringe. I’d rather call myself female than afab, because I hate the whole afab/amab thing. it just makes no sense to me, but I’m questioning, so I’m supposed to put that.

I just don’t know what to do. I wanna be a woman, and I like being a woman, but I’m not. because I don’t feel like one. also, I sometimes feel a little bit of gender envy towards certain fictional men. but that’s it for my ”desire” to be a boy. that’s the only thing.

another thing that worries me is that I don’t like seeing myself in a bathing suit anymore. I used to. and even if I ended up being trans, I would still wanna wear girls bathing suits!! I think that part is just my mind messing with me.

i’ve been going through what has been the worst time in my entire life so far for the past few months, both because of this and a lot of mental health stuff.

(this is tagged EDs, but I won’t get into body image at all, because ARFID is not a body-image related ED. just felt I should tag it as that)

I live with my mother, and we’re technically poor. we’re not, like, super poor, but we are legally considered poor where I live. I don’t have a father, and I can’t work, so my mother is the only one who works.

ARFID plays into this because it’s literally too expensive to get me food that I can actually enjoy. I feel like such a burden. most of the time I just don’t eat until I literally can’t take it anymore, because it’s too expensive to get me food I like every day.

and there are foods that I like that can be cooked at home, yeah. but I need a specific brand, which is unfortunately almost always a name brand. which we can’t afford most of the time. so i‘ll be expecting a food that I can trust, and then I go to make it and it’s a knockoff. I just can’t do it. so I stick to just eating a bag of chips as my only food every day.

it sucks because I know that I’m the issue.

i just can’t do it. I can’t eat. nothing tastes bearable anymore. I couldn’t name a single food that I like anymore. the thought of eating anything upsets me. even my most reliable safe food, white rice (specifically from restaurants because rice cookers at home suck), isn‘t good anymore (I just ate some, it was the first thing I ate today.)

i’m just at a loss because I can’t eat anything besides little snacks, (and even then I don’t like that) the idea of ever eating an actual meal actually disgusts me. but I also have to eat and it’s so embarrassing when my mother notices I’m not eating and she has to make something and watch me eat it. It makes me feel like a baby :(

(keep in mind while reading this that I am definitely mentally ill, although I don’t have any diagnosis besides Generalized Anxiety Disorder ((that would apply here)) and I think this is a little different than just anxiety)

first, it was me being constantly paranoid that I would be attracted to every man I saw, so I developed a fear of men & could barely look at any man I came across for a month, and I was constantly assessing to see if men are attractive, and I constantly had this deep feeling of nausea in my stomach, THEN I started questioning my gender, and I was paranoid that I would end up being a trans man, so I feared changing and bathing because I was scared that I would suddenly have gender dysphoria (I don’t btw, I’ve proved that to myself)

I usually want to be a girl, and whenever I don’t, I actually kinda do, because I feel uncomfortable about feeling ”fine” with feeling like a boy… I’m fine with, like, larping like a boy. like for improv sometimes (or just to annoy my pals) I do a bit where I’m a door-to-door salesman, or a knight, or a jester, etc… and I think I’d be fine if I was referred to as a man while acting. but I think that’s normal. also, sometimes I kinda have the urge to be some male fictional characters. the way I would kill to be rouxls kaard from deltarune or pretty much any of the guys from enstars lmao…

i’d rather die than be a boy, but I don’t feel much like a girl either… sure, I’m fine with calling myself a girl, and I wish to be a girl all the time, and it WOULD feel nice when I felt like a girl if I didn’t immediately go back to worrying about my sexuality again, it just doesn’t fit right.

a big thing about me is that I do whatever‘s funniest. my biggest goal in life is to be funny. that’s my thing, my specialty. funny is all I care about being. and I think I have some sorta internalized misogyny against myself, because I always feel less funny because I’m a girl, and I (ashamed of this) find men just more whimsical whenever they fool around. that’s the only thing i’ve felt unsatisfied with being a girl about. and that’s only been recently, I was confidently a funny girl for a while. well, only others could tell me if I’m funny, but I didn’t feel like being a woman made me LESS funny. SOO,,,, i’m either just overthinking it, orr I‘m unfortunately a little misogynistic. is the fact that my biggest goal is entertaining others probably bad? nah, I think it’s fine. I’m having fun.

I already talked about wanting to be a girl but not relating to other girls around me in the last thing, juust thought I’d bring it up. I kinda forgot what I was talking about. uuhauahuauh

OH! it’s hard knowing what’s real and what isn’t. do I actually not like this thing, or am I just overthinking it/paranoid if not liking it? do I really like this, or is it just easier. blah blah blaaahhh… idk. It’s late and I’m tired, but I still wanna post this rant. I had another panic attack last night over being scared that I was attracted to a TV character and then I was paranoid my cat was a creature pretending to be my cat because she looked at me funny so I locked myself in a closet and slept in there. y aaayy 🥶

didn’t reread this so might make no sense. Also maybe I should be posting to a mental health subreddit instead or something because this is more about me just being mentally fucked for no reason (I have very little trauma so this isn’t a trauma thing , I think I just have some sorta disorder thwt I don’t know about)

I don’t know if i‘m aspec. I think I am, because I definitely don’t experience love normally. not even sure how it’s supposed to feel... I think i’ve had two crushes. one I was super sensually attracted to and… probably romantically attracted to? I don’t know. people just say “romantic attraction”, but I’m not sure what that even means. but I wouldn’t ever date them, because I just don’t think I’d enjoy it, since we’re super different from eachother. romantic relationships just seem unimportant to me, but at the same time I kinda want one. i’ve never understood why people get so upset over breakups, I did the “everyone else has a crush so I have to choose one” thing twice when I was younger, and I’ve still never had the “awakening” that people talk about. I’ve never found someone “hot“ at all. I didn’t know that people imagined having sex with someone they found sexy. that sounds so odd to me.

there’s been one person I’ve ever wanted to kiss, and it was my friend. I had a lot of gender envy towards her as well, she was the girl I wanted to be. I thought she was awesome. I had known her for two years. I knew her from summer camp. I met her one year, then when I saw her the next year, I was ecstatic. it just felt platonic; but then I started worrying “is this romantic? Surely this is more than platonic, no one gets that happy about a friend..” but I think we are just friends. I just fantasized about kissing her sometimes.

sometimes I feel like I would rather die than date someone. sometimes I kinda want it. idk. any advice would be nice :)

before we get into this, i’d like to note that I am mentally ill and mentally disabled, so if you go “wow, they’re totally overreacting” while reading this, I know. anxiety is a bitch. plus, this is my second time writing this, since the first time, my ohone glitched and it got erased… TJIS is probably worse.

i’m gonna briefly explain my gender journey over time. cis woman -> NB -> transmasc -> lesbian cis woman -> ??? ?????? (lol)

backstory bit before i start talking about right now:

I was happily living as a detransitioned lesbian woman for about two years. i had detransitioned because I genuinely wanted to, and I felt horrible living as a boy. i did not detransition because I wasn’t supported, my mother is extremely supportive, she’s genderqueer and pansexual herself, and just overall awesome (I absolutely love my mum).

then, I had one intrusive thought that… pretty much ruined my life, and it was this:

“what if I’m not a lesbian one day?”

yup. that’s it. that was the thing that lead me to questioning my sexuality, gender, having multiple panic attacks and becoming suicidal. not kidding at all.

at first, it was fine. I just settled with it as best as I could. until shortly after, I started questioning if I was even a lesbian right now. because anxiety. I got home from work and sobbed a whole bunch, I could NOT stop crying, it was crazy. I came out to my mum that night, because I just had to talk to someone. obviously she was fine with it.

the next day, I took off sick from work, but I had the WORST panic attack at home. i threw up and almost decided to end it. but, I didn’t (obviously, i‘m writing this right now.)

i developed a compulsion of constantly assessing every man I saw to see if they were attractive or not, including children (which lead to other intrusive thoughts, but those were easier to get over because I knew damn well I wasn’t a pedo, just paranoid). it sucked.

This marks the start of the “I need advice” par btw:

then, one day, I was sitting in a theater, wanting to throw up from anxiety, when I realized something.

”what if I used all pronouns?”

the weight lifted off my chest. I had something new to question!!! Yeayyy!!!! distractions!!! I could wuestion my gender instead!

so, this lead me to: re-join tumblr for some reason, start headcanoning characters as genderqueer, cut my hair short, etc…

but after a few days of the new and exciting thing to question, it became… worse than questioning my sexuality. I was staying up late questioning what the hell I was, over and over. i didn’t really want to be a boy, even when I felt like one. sure, being in this new part of the lgbtq community was nice, but i had lost another core part of what had been my identity for the past two years: a girl who likes girls.

(while I was new to questioning I was visiting my grandparents for the most of it, for context) then, when I got home, I wanted to be a girl so badly. I realized that being a boy meant… well, being a boy. not just the cutesy fictional boys I would envy. also, it meant losing a big part of myself.

this is where it gets bad. i started being paranoid that I would have a problem with my genitals, even though i didn’t. my mind would constantly twist my own thoughts. I developed my fear of men AGAIN because now I was scared that I would envy them, not that I was attracted to them. it was just a bad time. i was constantly overstimulated because I just had such a low tolerance for stuff due to already being overwhelmed by anxiety, so i was super weak and constantly crying, both in private and public.

now, in like, super present, it seems that my gender is always what I don’t want… it’s weird. when I’m wishing to be a girl, I feel masc. when i’m wishing to be a boy, I feel femme. when I want to be a girl, i‘m uncomfortable with she/her pronouns. i know thwt I feel gender, but I could never describe how it feels, because I don’t know myself. gender makes no fucking sense, because the only real definition of “girl” that doesn’t exclude any girls is “someone who feels like a girl”, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T HAVE A DEFINITION?!?!

I’ve never envied any irl girls or boys except myself when I used to be a girl. I have envied fictional characters of both of those genders, though.

also, I’m usually unhappy as a boy, but I don’t feel great as a girl, either. as a girl, I feel: i’m missing out on being genderquewr, all this questioning is for nothing then, I start questioning ny sexuality again… all thwt stuff. as a boy, I just don’t like it. just not who I am. It’s not like I’ve never enjoyed being a boy, I did when I was transmasc when I was younger, and I do for like… little bits now?? like, I love being a boy in theory, but I feel uncomfortable when I think of having male anatomy or being a boy in any way besides little sailor-uniform tiny boy. yk what I mean?? most of the time I am wishing to be a girl, and then I get anxious about she/her pronouns and how I don’t relate to most girls. I get the most euphoria when I specifically feel like a lesbian woman, like I used to be. I just wanna go back :(

I made this post originally to ask about my sexuality, and that’s what it was in the first version, but gender has COMPLETELY overshadowed it, my god…

what I was gonna say would make me have to tag this as NSFW, due to me talking about my genitals, so I don’t wanna. that’s it now.

i guess this isn’t really looking for advice as much anymore, huh? since I cut out the advice part?? whatever. take this meaningless post that is mostly me being sad about how being mentally ill and disabled makes gender and sexuality hard . byeeeee

(also I never checked this over after writing it, so if it makes no sense, sorry lol)