u/puck-this

I’m so sick of New Yorkers yelling at me thru voice chat whenever I match up with them. They cuss at me for no reason and blame me for dying. I can only report so many people but I really wish they’d have NA servers again so they don’t spread their toxicity in Asia. What does their ping even look like lol. If you’re co-opting another region's server the least you can do is be nice. I’ve been playing this game for years and I’ve only encountered such toxicity from New Yorkers

I have a Wacom tablet that I need for my online job but I’ve been looking for it for months and it still hasn’t turned up. I’ve searched every possible corner and my own prayers are lacking. Would appreciate some help, thanks in advance

My cards are just level 12 average and I keep getting paired against those with level 18 average. I mean I guess there's no other solution than to start spending but I play the game primarily for the duels and being F2P against P2W players is just demotivating....

I'm preparing to delete my account and Facebook managed to gather over 60 GB of my data (I don't really post much). The data obtained were just several nested folders with random images and videos that weren't related to me at all. I mistakenly thought that it would gather images I sent to group chats and whatnot but lo and behold my hard drive is now filled with pictures of random people and posts that I surely did not send. It's crazy how downloading YOUR data just gives you pictures that OTHER PEOPLE sent. I have wasted time, effort, and storage rifling through these files and receiving nothing of significance.

Be careful what you send on FB because it really is there forever, and other people will be able to randomly download it. What this reveals, however, is that you could probably ask a close friend to download their data and see if they got to download any of the photos you sent.

I have a Facebook friend who just appears as "Facebook User" in group chats and their profile is unavailable when you click on it. No, they didn't block me because they also appear as "Facebook User" in my family's FB account. When I deactivate my account I still appear on group chats and people can still message my account so it feels like there's no point in deactivating these days. I don't want to delete my account permanently because I'm worried I might need a "legitimate" FB account in the future because popping up with a new account makes it look like spam.

These days privacy is such a rare currency. I can't even boot myself out of past conversations even if I delete or deactivate my account because now everything is written on permanent record. The statement "once it's on the internet it's out there forever" couldn't be more true these days now that you can take better screenshots, recordings, etc...I miss when you could end up accidentally clearing a conversation for both parties.

If it keeps men from raping real women and cheating on them, manipulating them, and inflicting emotional and psychical abuse, let them have at it with AI. Why do women get shamed for reading romance novels that showcase men who actually care about women? Porn has already done irreparable damage to society by supporting sex trafficking and the objectification of women, if men choose to only bother with AI I'd argue being a woman would be more peaceful since they won't even bother to try. I'm pretty sure the guy who married Hatsune Miku back in the day has hurt a lot less women than those who harass women as a game in real life and date as many as possible because they refuse to be a decent person. Since it's not women's job to be rehabilitation centers for men and men refuse to hold others accountable because they don't want to lose patriarchal benefits, let AI do the job since it's never going away anyway

Spotify randomly recommended it to me after listening to Ariana Grande's "hate that I made you love me." I love the dreamy bits where it sounds like "rippling waves" (I hope that makes sense) for more context.

About Love's a Gun--I think the music is actually super familiar, I just can't put my finger on it. I can't really identify the instruments and production stuff sadly but I love the vibe, the melody, and the beat so much. I'm looking for something with a similar atmosphere, the lyrics can be about whatever. The production just really itched a particular spot in my brain and sounded like something I've been looking for all my life. Yes I've tried Spotify's radio feature on it but it wasn't able to capture the specific vibe

Christians like to say "I would like to see you in Heaven" when they try to convert someone into their faith. But....when you're Heaven you're going to get a lobotomy. You won't know any sort of pain or need anything from anyone because God will fill you with his love. Even if your family won't get into Heaven you won't really care because you'll either just wholeheartedly accept it or forget about them entirely. Trying to convert people is just about earning brownie points from God for following orders or feeling the dopamine rush of "saving someone" and feeding their own god complex...sure maybe someone can be genuinely devout in their faith but claiming any selflessness in the act is just lying

So we all know how Christianity kills any form self-trust or self-development because you're supposed to rely on God for everything. My parents subscribed to this idea and raised me with the belief that I am nothing without God and I cannot do anything without God. However, I never really felt God's presence in my life the way others did so I always felt like the black sheep, stray sheep, whatever sheep. Obviously having a lack of self-trust isn't gonna end well for interpersonal relationships and it also doesn't help that I was constantly discouraged from trusting myself and using my intuition because one must "assume the good in others" even when they are being taken advantage of.

Shadow work aside, in the process of deconstructing I realized that God didn't really care about me as I thought as a kid and the whole "God has a specific special plan for you and your life" is just a coping mechanism derived from verses. God had plans to make a certain group of Israelites prosper, not necessarily specific individual human beings. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" is just one person's testimony and not the law for every Christian. Reading the Bible also shows God's true character as wrathful and vengeful God towards those who anger the Lord, but if someone is wronged it doesn't really matter because the "sin" was to another human and not God specifically. I also like to remember that Job was God's poster plaything and Christianity is just being in the wheel of that plan, waiting in agony for the dart to hit your circle. We're not special in God's eyes and no one is above the program of his wrath. I've also gone through what I suspect was some brand of religious psychosis while reading the Bible because it portrayed a God that was absolutely different from the one I was taught growing up and was worshipped by the Christian community surrounding me. For them, God was always on their side no matter what and always doing things for them. For me, God just wasn't...there. Maybe if he were he was just watching. They always say that God is watching. They didn't say God would intervene anyway, just that they worked in mysterious ways. That's probably why God only wants to do small everyday favors and make sure that you get the last stock of a dress in a size you want or stopping the rain for your wedding to be a Girl Dad instead of staging divine intervention of the women in Congo or the comfort women in wars or in the Epstein files or even everyday girls who get abused by their male relatives. It would impede too much on human free will to actually stop major events from happening, so relying on God is for small favors. I suppose the key to happy Christian living is to limit one's self to the home and be born in the right country so they won't have to face such magnitude of gender-based violence. Does it count as testing God if I ask them to open a can for me?

I've also started seeing the Bible as more of a work of literature than the law written in stone. There are way too many contradictions and verses taken out of context deliberately to spin them into positivity. Prosperity gospel should be its own religion separate from Christianity at this point because the overly loving and accepting God cannot possibly be the same God that commands people to stay in abusive marriages. I personally believe that if all these religions are real everyone is going to Hell because we're all following the wrong religion and are imperfect beings. I'd certainly go into Islamic hell, for one. For Christian Hell that's God's prerogative (Matthew 7:21-23). I wouldn't make it into Mormon Heaven either and all the other religions across the globe. Still, criminals can go to Heaven but people trying their best in their everyday lives will go to Hell for being victims of abuse, so sometimes I wonder if I should just sin more in order to feel closer to God, because trying to do good just leads me farther away but pedophiles, rapists, and other criminals always feel so close to God that they even become pastors (or are already one). It's probably because the Bible is very much pro-abuse and though society has moved on from extreme barbarianism it sadly still exists today except the miracles of God are mostly people getting parking lots, passing exams, getting their hairspray refilled, getting their jars opened...maybe it really is fun to be a Christian and have your problems be as small as those and immediately solved through divine intervention.

Christianity says to lean on God during the hard times, but he truth is, we learn that no one will save us in this life--not even God, and even if he does it's in the afterlife--and as such we must learn to be strong and rely on ourselves. Imagine if you get married believing your spouse was "sent by God specifically because you're THAT special" and they turned out to be abusive 3 years into the marriage--not even God will help you because you're already married, you chose that, and divorce will make you go to Hell (but even existing as a human renders you a soon-to-be resident of Hell so what's the point). Since God already has a plan, what right do we have to ask a literal god to change it? And if God loves certain people and hates others, it's not really our business as much as it isn't our business if a stranger loves or hates certain people. I'll never reach the perfection God wants anyway so why should I keep trying so hard? I've never felt like a Chosen Christian. It's like I've turned Calvinist but also not because I just didn't have the happy, warm, Jesus is my husband relationship other Christians have. Maybe I never will. My parents can have their coping mechanisms and I can have mine. For now, I'm much more focused on doing my best to do right by people regardless of the rewards. If God hates or loves me then that's God's business, but if other people sincerely feel chosen by God then good for them. I'm working every day to stop focusing on others in that aspect and just cultivate myself and choose to do good things when I can. It's also inspired me to be kinder to others and to myself because regardless of what happened we really only do get this one life to do what we want and be with who we want. And if there's one thing I've learned about love, it's that there are some who will love you regardless of what you do and some who will hate you regardless of what you do. I think God works the same way and we can just...relax.

Edit: Also wanted to add how it's helped me take accountablity for myself, my actions, and my life. I find that Christians generally have this holier than thou attitude because they believe God is on their side no matter what which makes them either the hero or the victim in every story. This...arrogance is what leads them to constantly berate others for sinning while turning a blind eye to themselves. I don't want to be the type of person who goes around terrorizing everybody thinking they're right because they're the chosen one and if they sinned God would forgive them anyway and the consequences of their actions towards others are just...out of sight, out of mind, which is no different from a criminal suddenly finding God and begging for pardon. I don't believe in cosmic justice anymore since it's just a coping mechanism and it has definitely taught me to be a lot more intentional with my actions on Earth. At this point if evil abusers get to heaven while victims rot in hell I'd even be more inclined to agree with Universalism, because then t least the victims won't have to face even more torment even without divine justice. I think I'm probably closer to Deism though, because I find it more relatable to have a God who doesn't care about humans and what they do and what they think. The power dynamic is already there, so why make everyone suffer even more for being smaller?

We've all heard of losing respect for your parents and realizing it sucked how they expected you to take everything they threw at you as a kid, but how do you deal with losing respect for relatives you were once close to? I'm not talking about grandparents having questionable political beliefs, I mean cousins and aunts and uncles you used to be close to as a kid and realized growing up that they mishandled your vulnerabilities. I was a child so of course I looked up to these people and my parents always spoke highly of them and naturally that shaped my view of them as trustworthy people, but since I've gotten older the truth is that we are just horribly misaligned and they did not take me seriously when I needed true help as a kid for traumatizing situations. Never mind that our moral compasses are different, each person can believe what they want and I'll happily be on my way, but how do you handle the brutal awakening that you shared your vulnerabilities with the wrong people and you'll unfortunately have to be tied to these people for the rest of your life?

Yes I'm aware now that labels mean nothing and just because someone is family it doesn't mean they want what is good for you but it gets difficult when I've been trying to take a step back from the relationship and some of them keep bugging me to go out through my parents even when I've already deactivated all means of online communication and no longer attend family events. If I had it my way I wouldn't really spend any more time with them as respect to my younger self who got taken advantage of but even if I move away they will still of course ask for information about my life and talk about me..

For context, I'm Asian so looking like a harmonious family is a big thing here. I know I've said I no longer attend gatherings but we're Westernized enough that one could get away with that, it's the constant reaching out I'm bothered with and directly saying "please stop reaching out" would cause a big issue. For now I usually just tell my parents to say I'm busy

Topics mentioned: marital problems, enmeshment, retuning to the family home, parentification

I've been home for quite a while now due to medical problems but my parents haven't really grown since I last saw them. My mom still lacks boundaries, thinks she owns me as a piece of property, constantly seeks attention and validation, all the typical narcissistic parent stuff. I've been her personal therapist since I was a teen and I've been privy to most family issues since I was young and I have since realized as an adult that the level of enmeshment and parentification was fucked up, to say the least. It blew my mind when I first learned that other parents don't talk to their kids about their marital or personal problems. Anyway, my dad and I have been suffering for a while because she's been getting a lot more controlling lately and my consistent efforts to work on myself just makes the whole experience harder because she makes me resort to extremes just to get her to listen. It's like it riles her up that I'm so emotional because it means I care, kinda like a typical toxic boyfriend. I have to threaten self-harm or ask her to kill me just to get her to listen to me (e.g. if I want her out of my room after she barges in and lies down on my bed and refuses to leave she just guilt trips me and recounts all the good things she did for me and pouts about why I don't want her there and she's annoyed at me for pushing her away I have to tell her fine be annoyed at me kill me if you want and that is NOT the kind of person I want to be but she doesn't really understand the concept of boundaries, privacy, communication, etc). She's always been a "room barger" and I've reached a point where it just pisses me the fuck off. I have to constantly be on my guard and get up from whatever I'm doing just to meet her at the door or else she'll go to my bed and stay there and I cannot push her off of it. I can't hide the key because...she has the key and has hidden it already.

Anyway this whole thing escalated because she's been using me as her personal couple's therapist (Well, half of a couple) for the past year. For a while she stopped after I mentioned it to my dad but since my dad isn't perfect and I agreed with her once about a particularly annoying thing that my dad did she's taken it as a sign that I'm available as a therapist again. On one hand I'm starting to sincerely regret my friendships as a child and how much I vented to my friends back then even though it was just our culture at the time, venting to each other. I can no longer tell what's a healthy vent or a normal vent because I'm no longer aware as to how compartmentalization should work. Since my parents never really helped me emotionally I had to build the skillsets on my own and somehow they expect me to provide what they never gave to me as a child. Like, I believed back then that venting to friends helps, and I am happy to help a friend's burdens but with my mom it's extra complicated. I don't like her as a person but I love her as her daughter. I don't know if I'm just pissed at her constantly using me as a diary because she's my mom and she shouldn't be using her child as her therapist or because I just don't like her. When I finally grew up and connected the dots about her unhealed trauma and childishness it was quite devastating that her disposition helped contribute to why I constantly chose toxic people in my life because that was the structure I was born into--emotionally unavailable father and emotionally unstable mother. She constantly makes bids about how she lacks love and is jealous of the women in movies whose husbands take care of them so well. I hate that I'm so aware of my parents' marital problems and I hate being put in the middle of it. I'm NOT in the fucking contract, I'm just the unfortunate collateral who's forced to pick up the other person's slack. She refuses to get therapy and my father I do not fucking know what's going on in his head because he knows that too and he says he's suffering from her as well but yeah therapy is not on the table somehow!!! I just hate being around them so much and I've accepted that whenever I come home I regress into this hurt teen somehow and I need to strengthen myself more so my mother can't bulldoze me but shit man my nervous system is not a vacuum I've been doing so much self-work but my mother just sets my nervous system into haywire...it's just been so hard. Without all their problems (er problems specifically) I'm normally a peaceful person and my brain isn't stressed so I'm hoping for tips to help me push her out of my nervous system because I hate how she somehow gets under my skin and it's such a disservice to all the work I've done to not be like her.

I'm aware that I should be bringing this to a therapist but as I've mentioned the medical problems kinda took a hit on my finances. If anyone has any advice or stories of a similar vein, I'd appreciate it as I'm very alone in this right now...

I feel like I've been worshipping the wrong God my whole life.

I was born to a highly religious family in a predominantly Catholic country so I, of course, was raised in the faith. I've been exposed to lovely Christians and hateful Christians alike, and my family and relatives lean toward the latter. They love to preach about God and religion but are hateful towards others and to themselves. I suppose, in their own way, they are merely pracitcing their faith as the Bible teaches its followers to put God above all so why love your family when you can love God instead, which is the real measure of a good person? These Christians are superficially nice to everyone but particularly hostile to the LGBTQ, all while indulging themselves in their hatred towards others as well as their own flaws that make them hurtful to those around them.I suppose if I felt like God had my back no matter what I'd be unrepentant towards how I hurt others too, considering that Christianity teaches that it doesn't matter if you fuck over your neighbor so as long as you are in God's good graces. As you can imagine, it is not easy to be around these people who speak of nothing and no one but God and do nothing but hate on others and be mean to those around them.

The lovely Christians I've met, however, had this...certain aura to them that made you feel calmer, and they were all sunshine and ease and you genuinely could not help but believe that God existed and he had favorites. These people were blessed in every way possible and were kind to everyone. I actually liked hanging out with these people but I felt in myself that was too secular for them--these Christians would annotate their bibles, go to weekly Bible studies, and overall devote all their free time to church. In short, I wasn't Christian enough to sustain a friendship with them. I have no ill will towards these people and I'm glad that Christianity was the warm fuzzy blanket for them that they preached it was.

I, on the other hand, never really felt that way towards God. I constantly felt fear and dread that God would strike me down as a child, and it was sad looking back considering I was told that God favored children over adults. I would constantly ruminate over how God would kill me and that they hated me so much because I was made of sin. Apparently this is religious OCD/scrupulosity according to the internet, but I don't particularly understand why Christians think it's a bad thing considering that if one actually reads their Bible, they would realize how much fear God wants to instill upon their creation. I never felt a warm fuzzy blanket from God. I always felt eyes boring into my back and a hammer waiting to beat down upon me, providing me illness, dark-hearted people, so on, so forth. It hits harder as a woman because the Bible is pretty clear on how much God hates women and is pro-abuse, especially in marriages. My experience with Christianity is a lot more similar to that of the abuse that women in the Global South experience than those in privileged lives experience--that is, they are God's princesses because God answers every single prayer from parking lot space to high grades and whatnot while God ignores our prayers when it comes to abuse, gender violence, and other terrible circumstances. Whenever I would read the Bible I would feel so much fear in my heart due to the power held by God, and I do believe that we are all at their mercy if we are not their favorite--God is so powerful that they can strike us down any time. I don't understand why Christians don't fear God like that when God is here to act upon their wrath with a sword and tear families apart. The prosperity gospel is wayyy too focused on getting financially rich with God because people tend to preach a loving Jesus too much and just completely gloss over the Testaments. On paper, God says to love your neighbor, but in practice it's totally okay to fuck them over so as long as you do it in the name of the Lord, like the crusades for example. Or let an abused spouse stay in their marriage because to let them divorce would mean offending the Lord, and a spousal killing is no big deal compared to divorce. I think people have glossed over how much the Lord wants everyone to suffer so much by claiming that Jesus died for our sins and just pretending the Bible doesn't exist as they spout their own interpretation of it. My parents constantly shit on Catholics for "interpreting the Bible with their own understanding" but isn't that....just reading a text and understanding it? Aren't Christians guilty of leaning on their own interpretation by believing that God is always on their side no matter what they do?

It's all very confusing to me because I'm not arrogant enough to claim that I am specially loved by God. I definitely fear God's wrath and power, and while others feel God's love in the everyday I feel their hatred and wrath in every breath I take. I don't understand why the all-loving God is the only acceptable version of Gospel when reading the Bible contradicts that so much. Plenty of Christian girls go around saying they're "God's Princesses" or "She is fearfully and wonderfully made" while ignoring that there is no verse saying women are God's "princesses" and "fearfully and wonderfully made" is a bastardization of a verse, where a man claims they are fearfully and wonderfully made and yet somehow people took "I" to mean "everyone," but ignores that "everyone" whenever they meet their "enemies" and enlist God as their personal protector against another who was also fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that the point of religion is to cherry-pick among contradictions so as long as it fits one's coping mechanism best, but I think the Christianity of today is so divorced from the original. The Bible is very clear that the clay has no say whatsoever when it comes to what the Potter wants, but when people constantly say God is on their side and have everything going right for them, I wonder which God they are actually worshipping and which one do I actually know. We grew up in the same church, same environment, and read the same Bible, but their God absolves them of all their sins and they never pay for their wrongdoings in earth as well as in the Heaven they will go to for being Christian, and God offers mercy to anyone and everyone except their enemies but my God is a God of hatred, of vengeance, of abuse and fear and I live terrified of them every day. It's just so interesting to me that they got a God who fights for them personally whenever they are wronged but when I am wronged, God just stares at me and then I have to fend for myself. Others get to ask God anything and everything because God loves them, but I am scared to even ask for mercy to be spared the next batch of suffering because I know anyone, especially God, is entitled to love or hate anyone they want and that no one is entitled anything, let alone God's love. God is quite the terrifying individual and I wonder if Christians ever consider what whenever they say "God's will be done" they basically consent to God sending them to torture they never knew existed. But then again, Christianity also grants you a belief that if God is on your side, God will never do you wrong.

I know I was never God's favorite but it's just something that's been on my mind for quite a while.

I'm posting this because I recently came across a TikTok where a girl basically said "don't be sad about being used by people because that's God using you to help others." Like many traumatized Christians, the religion has encouraged self-abandonment and people-pleasing behavior back in my childhood and has done a level of damage I am working hard every day to undo. Christians are quite comfortable being seen and used as tools by God but somehow I'm wrong for saying that we are not at all valuable to God and are dispensable to their Plan. There's also a certain level of cognitive dissonance with the "God is the reason for everything good and everything bad is your fault" because if you're being used by others, is it on God making you a lifeless tool or on you for having no boundaries and getting hurt in the name of the Lord? Of course, the point of religion is to cherry-pick, so victims of abuse of all kinds are demonized because if we are to follow that logic God singled them out to suffer for....idk. Is it free will or God's Plan? I don't know how a Christian would answer but no matter how many verses supposedly claim that God loves their creation, I can feel nothing but terror upon their hatred towards humanity.

So I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea right now--I have to get a super urgent surgery with a long recovery period that clashes with my research defense. I cannot postpone either because I'm already at the last semester I can complete the subject before I would need to retake the prerequisite course and thesis course all over again. Of course it's super inconvenient to have to repeat two semesters for obvious reasons but it feels surreal to be in a situation where both options suck. I mean, sure I could do both but wow am I at a disadvantage doing recovery tasks from surgery while other students get to prepare like normal. It's amazing how my mom can look me in the eye and say that God is teaching me a lesson specifically when I'm in danger of becoming disabled when I'm not even doing anything to exacerbate that but yes right now is definitely time the time for a lesson that God gave me the disposition for such health problems by passing down terrible genes generation after generation all for this moment.

But yeah, they say God will make a way and God is in control. Jesus is on the wheel, and I am terrified of where this is going.