u/refinemydreams

I need a hotdog real bad!

Long story short, a friend suddenly popped back into my life to tell me their cousin passed away in a traumatic way. At the same time, I have a family member I’m a caretaker for right now and they have recently had a stroke and I’m having a hard time handling that alone. I feel like I’ve become a buoy to them as they drown in their grief.

They leave me long voice memos and page long texts and I don’t know how to emotionally handle this or tell them I can’t talk to them right now. I feel like I’m drowning. I haven’t responded to them in two days and it’s eating my alive but I can’t bring myself to physically open their messages :(

I’m considering next year going to New Hampshire for a wilderness survival first aid class, which isn’t crazy, but I was also considering looking into a midwife class or even auditing nursing classes as a local community college.

Perhaps this is just my brain doing what it can to prepare, my partner thought the midwife class is a little crazy because I don’t plan on having children, but I figured it’s a good skill to have if large scale societal collapse here in the US causes smaller communities to look within for skills.

But, these would take a lot of time and effort in a world where I don’t have a lot of that to begin with so am I being crazy and what skills are you building that might be odd sounding?

I usually keep my collapse thoughts to myself in therapy and focus on my family problems, but I brought it up last session only for a few minutes to explain why I am extra stressed about children being born into my family and how distressing it is to know what they’ll be growing up in and my therapist was visibly shaken and pretended to change spots in the room (zoom session) to give herself a moment before she responded to me, which was then to redirect it back to asking how old I felt when I feel these fears…?

I suppose she’s trying to connect it to childhood trauma, but it felt dismissive and weird. She’s been an amazing therapist up until this point. She has confirmed she believes in climate change, she’s part of the lgbtq community, so she’s not uncomfortable due to beliefs, I honestly think I just freaked her out and she didn’t know how to handle it.

Anyway, has anyone had an experience like this?

Wanted to share my decision, as a (former but I’d love to return one day) early childhood educator (aka, infants through prek) in her 30s who has decided to not have children of my own.

My decision comes down to I would be a great mom but not a happy one, for so many reasons. I have so many things I want to pursue in life, none of which involve children. I also personally believe the way the planet is going, I don’t want to live with the anxiety of what world my children and grandchildren could inherit. I want to spend my time here inspiring others, helping people connect and learn from each other, and helping better the world.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a weird thing to grow up all my life imaging myself with children, saving childhood toys for them, thinking what type of schooling they’d have… but I never found joy in these thoughts, not the way i do when I think of my aspirations and dreams.

I am so happy to be an auntie to those in my family, and I can’t wait to spoil them. But I feel peace knowing my decision is made, and luckily my partner and the woman who raised me both not only respect my decision but celebrate it.

Wishing the best to any other fence sitters, no matter what you choose. 💕🫶

Hey everyone! I'm u/refinemydreams, the founding moderator of r/katherinecenter.
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