u/samithefish

Something my therapist said to me a couple months ago is coming back to me now.

She wanted me to find a psychiatrist so I could get medicated, so that when we are revisiting trauma it can help me with intense feelings.

But if the severity of my trauma is dimmed by medication, doesn't that just make it seem like therapy is helping me, when really its the medication?

I mean it's like doing physical therapy while on ibuprofen the whole time. You can't actually tell if it's working or not.

My mother was extremely shitty to me during childhood. Saying she wished she could kill me, im a burden, choking the shit out of me for things like dropping food on the floor, etc

I can't remember the build up but I just was pissed off with her. So I went and punched her $2k laptop and the screen broke. She still hasn't replaced it to this day.

I don't feel bad.

Not sure if anyone has heard this either in therapy or by other people. But I have. I remember getting told this when I was outpatient. It pisses me off

Its so dumb. Like, mf yes some people's struggles will never compare to others. My life will never been as bad as a child who survived war, and elon musk's life will never be as bad as mine financially.

Some people do have it worse and acting like people are insane for saying that is so fucked. It purposely diminishes someone's issues.

I am currently 250 lbs. About 6 years ago I was 90. But once covid hit i started listening to the body positivity bs and let myself get fat.

I wish I could go back in time and beat the shit out of 14 year old me and tell myself no motherfucker stop it. Keep starving yourself. You are right, being fat is hell. Being fat is worse than being underweight ever could be.

Im out of breath every day. Sweat drips down my face when I work my fast food job. I wake up in sweats every morning. I have constant back pain when I walk that makes it impossible for me to even COOK sometimes becsuse I can't stand for more than like 10 minutes.

Of course I'm losing the weight but half of the time I can't get my steps in because of my back, and I can barley fit in the machines at the gym like I used to. Even if I were able to do these things, I'm sweating insanely the whole fucking tiem. It's embarrassing.

Oh let's not even get to hygiene. I sweat more because im fat so I stink more. I have to apply deodorant multiple times a day because I'm so fucking sweaty.

Don't forget about the loose skin I have when I'll eventually lose it. The physical reminder that I almost ate myself to death, and that I will NEVER look like other girls my age.

Being fat is absolutely hell and I will never let myself eat that much again.

TW: Small CSA mention near the end

It's not intentional. I don't exactly resent the people themselves, but the fact that I'm not able to talk to people about my trauma or mental illness without them kind of invalidating me.

I know they mean no harm. It's just happened multiple times when I vent to people and tell them how I feel, because they told me I could since they also have dealt with trauma, just for them to say that my trauma was overwhelming and I just need to talk to a therapist.

Like it's always "i understand how you feel" until i actually tell you what I've been through.

I guess this isn't exclusive to those who have less trauma, but the most recent experiences have been like that.

It feels like a survivor of getting rear ended is telling the survivor of a 30 car pile up that it's going to be ok. Meanwhile, the person in a 30 car pile up broke all their bones and still has trouble walking, and the person who got rear ended came out with one scratch.

And I can never even express this to ANYONE because they say I'm comparing trauma and I'm saying I have it worse. When I have never claimed that.

The truth is just that there's a different level of understanding. I knew a girl who was sexally abused by BOTH of her parents until age 15. I will never understand that because its not my experience. and I would never try to imply to her that she's just not trying hard enough in therapy because it isn't helping her. It's just weird to me.

I was just looking up how long it's been since the first book in canon time, and it's been about 14 years(Brightheart was born in the first book, she's still alive and is 13.5. That's how I calculated). To me i could've sworn its been like 20. Because wdym we've went through like 30 thunderclan cats in 14 years!?!?!

These poor cats have experienced:

Brokenstar, Tigerstar, Scourge, TNP Moving, Leafpool's kids drama with ashfur dying, A freaking HEAVEN VS HELL BATTLE, Darktail and his kin, ASHFUR POSSESSING A LEADERS BODY, Riverclan having no leader, Splashtail then taking over Riverclan, And the current issues with having to move again, and Moonpaw's little ghost, And of course all the innocent cats that were taken because of all this.

That's like, so much trauma to live through oh my gosh. Idk how those Thunderclan elders didn't die of shock by now

Wherever a woman is male centered(examples: defending sexist behavior, choosing a man over her friends, etc), people often say "but we live in a patriarchy!!!!! We are raised to believe we have to be with a man!!!!" But this is not entirely true.

Yes it is often pushed on women to have a husband and children, but nowhere does it say to accept shitty behavior, or pick those shitty men over your friends and family.

I often hear things like, "Every movie we watch growing up, the woman's main goal is to be a wife!"

Yes... but where does that include shaming other women? Where does that included ignoring every single red flag your man of two weeks does, despite every single person in your life telling you to leave him? Where does that include dating a man you know has cheated and abused other women? I've never seen any movie or heard anyone tell me to do those things.

Not only that, but just because you were taught something growing up doesn't mean you have to believe it. If someone tells you your behavior is harmful, the response shouldn't be "well thats how we were raised!!!!" Like, ok? That means nothing. Behavior can and should be changed when it is harming yourself and others.

Growing up I assumed all abusive relationships were shit like them beating and raping you and then saying "if you leave I'll kill you stupid bitch". Which often it is!

But that is not the majority.

People will share their abuse stories, whole time its just "they beat the shit out of me but said sorry so I believed them.... they promised!!!!"

Like bro.

That's not master manipulation, thats ignoring obvious red flags. And then this happens like 50 times and they're like "omg they're not changing!". Ok so why are you still there!?!!?!?

Obviously it's different if you've been married for like 5 years and they randomly pull this shit, but that is RARELY the case. It's usually just them believing over and over and over and over that the person who has been shitty to them for months is going to randomly kiss them and say you're right baby!!! I should have never hurt you!!!

I hate the fact that if you point out an opportunity to leave, you're "victim blaming". Why do we act like it's 100% impossible to avoid further abuse.

If I get in a car crash and I'm not wearing a seat belt, the cop isn't victim blaming me because I didn’t wear one, it's more like, please learn from this mistake.

Would I ever actively shame a victim? Of course not. But to me it's a little strange that we act like it's completely unavoidable and there's absolutely nothing they can do, when majority of the abuse would be avoided by acknowledging red flags.

Literally nothing on this planet can compare to someone close to you saying that they love you or saying that they care, or if you express that you're depressed they tell you that you matter.

A stranger's words will never ever compare. Because you don't know me. It's empty.

Although Starlingpaw is my fave rn, Leafstar's pov was my favorite in this arc! She had the most interesting things happening with her struggle with her clan no longer wanting her as leader, and her inner dialog was awesome to read

It's the worst because no one believes you. "Depression makes you feel lonely!" No, I genuinely have no one and THAT'S why I'm depressed bro.

I genuinely don't think I will force myself to do this in the future. If i don't find friends within the next 10 years im out.

Scientifically speaking humans are social and NEED connection. It is biologically impossible to live a happy life without them.

Doesn't matter if its abuse or just being rude. These people are always defended while the victims are seen as crazy.

The moment I will never forget is when the same girl who had been bullying me since middle school called me a fat ugly bitch in class, and what does my teacher do? Look away awkwardly and act like she didn’t hear it.

Judges feel bad for criminals if they're young or have families and lighten their sentences. While their victim also had a family. But hey, fuck them I guess!

I actually hate this.

I remember as a child wanting my parents to watch a show with me or read a book to me or wanting my friends to play a game I liked.

99% they never did.

Like I literally remember trying so hard to get people to care about what I cared about but for some reason they never did.

Years and years later why is this still happening. No one asks me about my life. I no longer have friends but when I did they never cared about anything I liked until another person liked it. Then all of a sudden they were interested in that thing.

My entire life I have been begging someone to care and it never happens.

I think I am destined to be unloved

I'll tell someone about the years of harassment I faced at school and work and they'll be like "but you're not even ugly!"

That's like me telling someone how someone called me the n word and they're like, "but you're not even black!"(context: yes I am.)

It's so fucking dumb. Like I'm not stupid. Oh my fucking god SHUT UP PEOPLE.

I don't believe that anything happens after death. Like anything. I believe that it's like before birth, where you're just nothing. Not only does that terrify me. It makes death extremely hard for me.

Like there's no afterlife, no reincarnation, they're just gone. This person is gone and I will literally never see them again. That makes me so sad.

I wish I was religious sometimes because of this

It doesn't help that im fat now too like i literally look deformed like i think maybe im a 4/10 before i smile then i instantly go down to a 1/10 like i genuinely hate it so fucking much.

I cry a lot. Like over everything. And I know some people are like this without trauma, but for me i feel like thats why!

I cry when I see a cute bird outside, I cry thinking about dinosaurs because I feel bad for them getting obliterated by a rock, I cry when I see a friendship moment in a tv show, I saw a cute dog at work yesterday and started tearing up.

I guess I find comfort in these things and since I never had comfort I cry? Idk!