u/sattukachori

About 8 years back when I first realized what "trauma" means and everything that I thought was normal was actually trauma response, I was very forceful, open, verbal about everything. I overshared with whoever was there to listen. I overshared on reddit.

But now something has changed and I don't know why. I don't want to share my traumatic stories with anyone or my personal story. I don't know if I am being dishonest or non transparent.

Maybe it's because when I used to overshare I realized that my story was not important to people. It also felt like washing dirty linen in public. It also happened that there was no mutuality which means I would detail my traumatic story whereas the other person would lie and idealize their own personal story. It also happened that I would share for bad my people were and the other person would falsely ideaize their people and that made me feel like imbalance of power and being cheated - I expected vulnerability and honesty but you lied. I also realized that telling my traumatic story doesn't help me much. In the short term it feels like I'm getting better but nothing really changes.

I still want to talk about emotional and mental problems but not in personal disclosures. I want to talk in general sense like "It's human nature..." But not in personal sense like "My X, Y, Z did this...."

I have read in books that "reliving your trauma doesn't work" and maybe now I'm getting to that stage where I don't want to go around telling my story to people. It's a profound shift in me because earlier I was very passionate about showing it all. I used to be like "we can't be silent, we can't be in denial, we have to speak out, expose, confront, don't let go, don't forget". Now seeing this change in me, I am wondering if this is a healthy change or an unhealthy change?

Reading this book and with each page, the only thing that clicks is that grandiosity is not a personal problem. It is the very fabric of our entire culture. I have not met a single person in my entire life who was not grandiose. Where I am from, not a single person loves their child for who he is. Marks, ranks, talent, success are everything from kindergarten to college. Love is only and only based on job title, ranks, social status, respect, caste, exhibitionism. People marry for job prospect, social status, exhibitionism. What am I missing? Isn't our entire culture grandiose? Every day, every hour, every minute we act out this grandiosity. If you don't act it out, you will doubt yourself as if something is wrong with you? I don't know where to begin with. Are you not living with false self every minute of the day? Grandiosity is so normal that it's just "the way it is". If I even point it out, it will be condemned by people as "Why are you shitting on other people's happiness? Mind your own business. Don't be so negative. It's a personal choice." Do you see what I see or am I going crazy?

>It is thus impossible for the grandiose person to cut the tragic link between admiration and love. In his compulsion to repeat he seeks insatiably for admiration, of which he never gets enough because admiration is not the same thing as love. It is only a substitute gratification of the primary needs for respect, understanding, and being taken seriously — needs that have remained unconscious.

I've been observing a certain pattern. There are many people who use philosophy, psychology, spirituality like a costume. They can talk endlessly on deep topics, every counter question has a justification, every criticism has an answer, they know all the right philosophers, all the right definitions, keywords. If you talk to them, they will leave a very positive impression on your mind.

But when you get to know them with the time passing by, you will find out their life and relationships are a mess. They have cravings for power, money, status, fame, control, admiration. They live a double life but they refuse to accept that the self image they are so fixated on is false. They keep believing they are a good person. They are on social media posting, commenting, talking. They are skilfull debators, authors, thinkers but their deeds don't match their words.

If Krishnamurti had stopped speaking, the day he would stop speaking, he would realize that the voice was not him whereas he was just a hollow empty clueless space. All of Krishnamurti's talks are sold as "one person's genius" although Krishnamurti was dependent on his followers and audience. He only talked because there was someone to listen. Nothing he says is original or unique. All those things you and I too intuitively think. These thoughts happen to everyone but whoever has the mic and the stage becomes the genius, pioneer. Krishnamurti's personal life was a mess. He was a talker not a feeler. How are you not able to see a businessman behind his talks? His legacy continues to this day, he has foundation dedicated to his name, his lectures have millions of views on YouTube, his followers have reverence for him.

Please do not ask me questions like "who is the I", "take what you like, leave what you don't". Don't deflect back to me. I have read, still read his lectures. I read the message but I don't trust the messenger.

I find it very amusing that there's one section of society that justifies and supports the VIP culture, deference, hierarchy, power structures and tax funded lifestyle given to ministers, MPs, government officers, some businessmen. These people defend it under the guise of meritocracy. The British Raj is still alive but it wears the cloak of merit, exams, elections. These people love their oppressors. You will see social media comments defending, supporting, worshipping people who post pictures/reels flexing tax funded cars, showing off power, titles, walking with police men aura, etc.

There's another section that sees through the superficialities and calls it all out. Take cue from the recent abuse hurled in Supreme Court, growing resentment against judges, against calling them my lord etc, people fighting over VIP road blocks, waking up to the point that "UPSC is not a dream" it is British raj legacy, either oppress or be oppressed. Politicians are not your well wishers. Take cue from NEET protest, ethanol.

And in all of this, there's another kind of VIP who doesn't look like the others. These are the celebrities, actors, sportsmen. They get state funded police protection, connected to people in power, don't have to wait in lines, get absolute deference for what? Dancing, acting, making escapist content? Some years back, there were pictures of Katrina Kaif and Vicky Kaushal who just got married surrounded by police protection posing for the camera. Another picture showed Katrina Kaif in Kumbh surrounded by police. We don't even know what kind of privileges and political, administrative power these celebrities yield.

Yet every month we fight over box office collection, get happy for your favourite actor's success, fighting over who's better. They live in the completely insulated world. They benefit from the same administration that makes you wait in lines, that humiliates you at government offices, that delays your cases for years, that makes you invisible. How odd.

I'm unable to understand why someone will "stay" with you unless you have some external achievements. I have met many people over the past year, walking in legal corridors, nobody stays with you because you're so "authentic".

There's this unspoken pressure to prove yourself, tell your achievements, tell you're this or you're close to someone who's this or you know someone important or you have this much asset or you're socially well positioned or you have an iPhone/ iPad or you're so important in the chamber or you're so popular. The moment you stop playing along, there's this existential crisis. It's like I don't know who I am anymore.

First I will humble brag about myself then it starts a chain reaction, now you humble brag. But both of us pretend as if it's just sharing about life stuff, we are just bonding. Because there's literally nothing else to talk about. Unfortunately, I have met some people who straight up lie, pretend to be busy or important, live a double life just to keep up with the demands of society. You're constantly asked "Are you succeeding?" every single day. It's in the air, it's a feeling, an undercurrent in the environment.

If you're not aware of this cycle, you will be pulled into it. Carried away like a wave in the ocean. And people don't even question if there's something wrong with this way of living. It's only when I read a spiritual lecture by Osho or people like him, I snap out of the mental state. Wow, these are all just empty hollow people running from themselves?

Have you ever met a person who stays with you because of who you are "inside"? If all the external achievements are stripped off, will they still stay? Stay for what?

No, this is not funny and this does not make any sense. It's a human tendency to tell personal anecdotes, experiences, interests, identity.

This post is inspired by this post on front page: https://www.reddit.com/r/BeAmazed/s/rmV7B39GOw

Look at the comments, let's see how people "talk".

As a dad with with adult sons: Who asked? Why did you have to mention your sons? Why did you mention your identity?

I lost a house: Who asked? Why telling your story to strangers?

I lost both my cats: Who asked? Why telling personal anecdotes?

I'm obsessive about checking: Who asked? Why talk about yourself?

These are some of the most upvoted comments. You see, people mention their identity, things about themselves for no reason in conversations. I can pick apart thousands of reddit posts like this and show you how conversations circle back to "I, me, mine". Because people talk about their identity. This is basically psychology. Your subjectivity only comes into being when you're being gazed at, when you're being recognized. You're a subject because someone else recognized you.

"They will tell you they are vegan" is about shaming vegan people for simply doing what people do, for asserting their identity. This has only become a meme because non vegans do not want their conscience to be shaken by anything remotely vegan. They want to rip off vegan people's selfhood.

This country has a colonial legacy. The culture is deeply absorbed with oppressor and oppressed sections. The moment you enter a government office, it will "show you your place". You can be easily snapped at, insulted, disrespected. Respect is the monopoly of a certain few.

People identify with their jobs, Oh I mean some people identify with their jobs. The kind of jobs that were inherited from British era. Those who enter the jobs are 100% convinced of their merit, past life merit, entitlements, superiority over others. There's a theater going on. Everybody knows their place in the theater. The moment you meet a government officer, you will unconsciously enter into a submissive, pleasing, back breaking role. It's like hypnosis or trance state. You're no longer you. The officers rejoice in this treatment. They expect you to behave a certain way.

Children are trained from a young age to think in ranks, titles, power, aura. Black sheeps are shunned and not tolerated. You've got to be very mentally tough to survive a system that strips you naked psychologically every single day. The mass men cheer for the very system that looks down upon them. How odd! All empty talks, people know the language of authenticity, they talk the talk but don't walk it.

I don't know if this country will ever heal. It's a deeply traumatized culture. The trauma is passed down to the next generations. Nothing ever changes. Modern Indian, 19th century mindset. It can only change when those in parliament and offices want to change it, but they do not want transformations. They want to preserve the status quo for a century and more because the system benefits them immensely. They're self convinced Gods. The prime minister jokingly (or seriously) said that he is non-biological. It's a symptom of a country where winners believe that they have some incredible past life merits.

People see "eggs removed from mid day meal" and assume that the school children are being served water and roti in schools. Remember all the sensational and heart breaking videos where school kids are eating roti and achar on paper? But that's not what this is about. Those videos circulating on internet happen when the meal is prepared by school rasoiya in the kitchen.

Akshay Patra is a different thing. They don't compromise on nutrition or hygiene. The school kids are served nutritious and stomach filling vegetarian meals. They have a different meal plan for each day of the week. Each meal has some source of protein, whether chana, daal, soya chunks, mungfali. They also give away chikki, daal moth, ragi biscuits, etc. weekly. The meal plan is diverse.

All the sympathy for school kids only pours in when the question is about eggs and non veg in lunch. What do people themselves do to make the life of children better? Are you more emotionally aware? Are you kind? Do you treat children with respect? Do you donate to NGOs? Animal ethics is an important and real reform. Animal rights and philosophy are not fiction. Get used to it!

Why are some people born rich others poor? Why do some people struggle and make it but others never make it? Why are some people intelligent but others not? Why are some animals pet, others live in streets, many others die for meat? Why some people live a long life, others die early? Why some people have a comfortable life, others struggle a lot? Why do children born to same parents not have similar life paths? Why are some people more charming and likeable, others are invisible and merely existing? Why does someone get cancer?

I'm tired and exhausted from asking, obsessing over these questions. In my culture, the most popular and accepted answer is "Because you reap the fruits of your past karma. If you did good karma, you will be born rich. If you are struggling in life, it's due to past life debt". This explanation has NEVER felt right to me, although in my culture people are 100% convinced about this theory.

Some thinkers say that this is simply diversity of life, beauty of life, not all flowers are the same in garden. Some trees are taller than others. All are unique and beautiful. While this answer seems more logical, it does nothing to silence the rage inside me.

I am finally exhausted from asking why to these questions. And I have accepted defeatism, not gratitude or radical acceptance. Just defeated. Defeated, hopeless, dead end, hit the wall. I can't fina ny more explanations that help me make sense of the uncertainty, inequality, injustice, unfairness, chaos of life.