u/shotcallat

I just realised i'm love and attention deprived. Like, i've never recieved love growing up and it's gotten worse these last two years (i'm f18 btw). Before i used to think a lot about being in a happy relationship, having good and honest friends, and just living a good life. But it got worse as i grew up; i constantly think about being in a relationship and having nice friends

I've never had friends, they all left me because "i wasn't what they expected me to be". I've always had bad luck with thing whole friendship thing all my life. I was a loner until 4th grade, got my first "friends forever group" and honestly it was very fun, until one day they all just left me out and were all indifferent about it. Initially i thought maybe i did something wrong or hurt them and let it be for a few days. But later, nothing changed and everything was like a stupid fleeting dream i had. I didn't question them because it was very awkward for me to actually adress it, it made me look dumb because they didn't care anyways. I was just a kid at that time. The next year, our sections were changed and everything went back to how it was before, i became a loner again. I kept assuring myself that it wasn't my fault, they just didn't understand me nor my worth, and that i was a very good friend to them (which i was)

Later in 7th grade, nearly after three years, i got into a group. I thought it would last unlike the previous one. But it didn't. I actually enjoyed being there in that group, yes sometimes it did feel like i was a puppet doing and acting how they wanted me to be, but it was the only way to be in that group, to have friends. So i did, i started acting like them, speaking like them, even cursing and making dirty jokes sometimes. Everything just to fit in. I was happy with this, i was happy even tho i was faking my personality at some point. I was never a kid who cursed or made dirty jokes. But for them, for that friendship, for those friends, to fit in with them, i did all that even tho i hated myself for it. We were originally seven people, when one went to another school and with that left the group, so now (8th grade) we were six. In the group everyone had their own partners, and it was quite obvious. I never had a "partner" like that, i was good with everyone. It was all good, two years in with this group, everything was going well. Until one day, another person from the group left for another school, but we all were still in touch with her. When the sections were announced for this year, except for me, everyone in the group got together with their respective partners. Yes, it hurt because i was the only one left alone, but more than that, i was happy for them, that atleast they weren't alone. Slowly, things got awkward between us, they all started drifting apart from me, all four of them. I saw it all happening in front of my eyes and was stunned at how stupid it was because i didn't do anything wrong for them to act all distant, it was them. Ever since the sections were divided, it was ME who went to every single one of them everyday. It was me who got scolded by the teachers for being late for the class because i was used to walk them to their respective sections. It was always me who, everyday, came rushing to them just to say hello and chat. It was me who used to wait for them outside at the gate for their bus to come. It was me who used to walk up to them every break we were given. It was always me and never them. I put in so much effort for the friendship, but what did i get in return? Nothing. And just like that one day, i happened to be feeling unwell so i didn't go up to them, and honestly, not a single person came to spare me a look.. it hurt like hell. It was then that i realised how stupid i've been, clinging onto them like a leech all this time just for them to abandon me like nothing. After that day, i stopped visiting them. And just like that, we all drifted apart

Later in the next grade, i made new friends. I was still hoping it would last and won't end up like the previous two. Well i was yet wrong about it all, it didn't last long. Not even a year. Things got all awkward because one of my girl friend thought she liked or even loved me when it was just an attraction. I kept telling her that it was just a fleeting crush or something and not love and that that i don't feel like that for her. But she didn't take any of it and soon things got really awkward between us. At some point it even got dirty because she started talking about me to people and our friends, and said i was lead her on then left her. When in reality we both knew it was just a joke and i never crossed the line. We were both aware that we were just playing around, just like how friends jokingly flirt with their best friends. She knew it and even addressed it to me, saying it was not a problem and that she was straight so there's no way anything can be lead up to something here. We both, including our friends, were like that between us. It's what and how friends generally act with eo. It was honestly shocking when she indirectly confessed to me, and when i rejected her politely, she made it into a whole break up thing. She started hating me and called me a villian for leading her on and what not. I was so dumbfounded at all that. We blocked eachother from everywhere and just like that it was all over once again. With her, the "friends" that i made were gone too, they took her side saying it was me at fault and that i was a bad person for "doing it" to her

Next year, sections were changed and hopefully she and me were put into different sections. I yet made another friend, and this time only one. I was being cautious after all that happened one after another. It was honestly really good, she was funny and cool and we soon clicked in and becames best friends. After some months, i don't remember how it started, but we became girlfriends. We were in a relationship. It was going smoothly, i was happy, she was happy, we were good. I really enjoyed going to school. But soon things started changing, both me and her. I didn't realise it but she started acting like a big red flag. Whenever she had problems in her house, she'd take it out on me. If she missed me, she'd curse me out. If she needed me at 3am, and i wasn't available, she'd get all upset and mad at me, crying and saying i'm was never there for her whe needed. She hated it when i was with other people, talking or laughing, always used to say that i am playgirl and will leave her or even cheat on her someday so she has be more cautious about it. when she was physically close with her friends (like hands around the waist and stuff) i honestly did not like it, i tried brushing it off saying it doesn't mean anything and that they were all straight people. I was merely being jealous, but more than that i was understanding of her, because she was actually happy when she was with me and her friends. Until a day, i was just sitting with a classmate and chatting, she addressed it and said that she does not like it when i am with other people and that i am too touchy-feely with them when i don't like physical touches at all, that too from some classmate. The accusation was honestly so absurd, but i still tried being understanding of her and apologized for "talking to other people" and stuff. The more i tried to be understanding, the worse her actions were getting. I got so exhausted and tired of it all that after our exams, i just broke it all off with her for good. She did make a fuss about it and started saying stuff like "I only have you" or that i was being cruel. The worse she accused me of was cheating on her with a junior i was close with. That was the time i honestly lost it, and everything just burst out. I told her what things were affecting me and how she shouldn't have dragged my junior in our fuss. Before breaking up, she used to drag that girl into the mess, calling her a slut, commenting on her stories accusing her of "stealing" me from her. I was honestly so embarrassed that i had to just get away from that madgirl. It all still haunts me to this day whenever i think about it, i'm still in touch with the junior (who happens to be my best friend now) and i, to this day, apologise to her for what happened

This is my story; my luck in friendships, and my first relationship being toxic. If i could make a wish to god, i'd ask them to erase my memory of this whole timeline. Even tho i've moved on and matured, it sometimes still haunts me