u/soupnear

Hello everybody,

It has been 111 days since I spoke to my ex. I wanted to take this moment to share a little bit of my journey with you all: the highs, the lows, the lessons, and the questions I still harbor and live with. It's a bit long, but scroll down for the TLDR.

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My ex, let's call her Girl A, and I were special together and had special love. That is what I felt, and that is what she told me, thousands of times over our 5-year relationship, even towards the end.

We met during the first week or so of undergrad, and we were inseparable throughout that entire time. She was my best friend in the entire world. It was awesome. Girl A was the only person I had ever loved—my first kiss, my first sexual partner. She was smart, beautiful, sweet, and kind. She shared my taste in music, almost all of my opinions and interests, and she had the same wants in life as I did. I didn't want anybody else. I don't know how I got so lucky.

I fell in love with her, and she fell in love with me.

She would smile when she saw me. She would stay up late for me when I worked late and have dinner ready for me if I hadn't eaten, all without asking. We cuddled, made jokes, and went on vacations together. We got through some truly horrible times together, too. We did everything a couple would do. I felt so lucky. I told her, and she told me.

I had always been a bit of an outsider, and I probably deserved to be so. I was known to be a bit of an ass, and I had a hard exterior. Girl A melted through it all. She was the first person I felt actually saw me for who I was, loved me, and defended me to critics. We had our fights, as do all couples--mostly about our individual insecurities--but they were few, and as she told me in one of our regular love letters, she was always so glad that we got past them because we were special together and we could get through it all.

Once, I had an existential crisis, and I freaked the fuck out about life, death, destiny, and purpose. I didn't know what I wanted to do with life except be with her. I found my purpose in being with her and making her happy. So, in between tears, I asked her to marry me, and she cried and said yes. Later, when slightly better, I asked if she was serious, and she affirmed she had been.

It was an easy decision for me personally. I never looked at anybody else. I never even considered it. Why would I?

We had lived together for two years straight. But we were both entering grad school, and she had to move across the country. It was horrible, but she got into a wonderful school and on a full ride. It was what was best for her, even if it made me really sad. She was sad to leave.

We stayed in regular contact. We FaceTimed every night and texted often. We had done distance a few times before, but we both knew this would be tough. But we both wanted to get through it. We promised each other we would make it through. I visited her as often as I could, and we had fun when I did.

But then, one time I visited her, about a year and some change into distance, she told me that she felt our love was growing platonic. I asked her what she meant, and she said that it felt like the exciting part of love was over and that it was all becoming too familiar. Girl A said she didn't feel butterflies anymore. I felt sad, but she said that she thought it was just the distance and that it would all be better when we were together. She told me she still loved me very much, and that she thought just a lot of people didn't talk about the platonic evolution of love, so I thought it was fine. I wasn't with her for sex or anything; I was with her because she was my best friend, so what was the big deal?

But then, it became huge. All of her hope and love and care for me completely disappeared—just like that. At least, that's how it felt. There's a lot more here, but it's not worth getting into detail. To summarize, she went abroad and fell out of love with me. She lied to my face, had sex with other guys, and overall turned cold. She told me I had misremembered all the good times, said we never had romance, and that I was too dependent on her for my happiness.

We tried to reconcile over distance--or at least I did--but as you may imagine, that was probably never in the cards. She shifted the goalposts every time I tried to make amends, told me I was faking everything, and said that she would always despise me for honest-to-God mistakes and things that happened years ago. It felt like she was still there, the kind of girl I once knew and loved, but she just pushed me away more and more. She told me I was too much, that my love was too much, and that I was overwhelming her.

To explain the pain that I felt during this time would really be quite impossible. It felt like my heart and soul were in a vice grip, and it tightened every time we talked. I was losing my hold on reality. I cried for hours every day. I couldn't be left alone. I wrote down my feelings, probably tens of thousands of words. I mailed her letters. I tried to talk to her, but after a while, she essentially told me to stop trying and to stop hoping. When I told her I wanted to work everything out and would do anything—drop out of school, abandon my family, just to make her happy and have the life we'd planned for so long—she said she didn't care, had no interest, and that I needed to move on. I told her my life was over, and she said I'd get over it. That hurt.

I'll never truly understand what happened—at least, I don't think I will. I wasn't myself during that time. I was a shadow of a person. I needed friends to help me, but my best friend now seemed to hate me, so what did the others think? My friends all said it was ok when I talked to them, but I just cried and was, frankly, miserable. I felt like a huge burden. I felt genuinely suicidal. I made a plan and everything. I attended therapy, but it didn't help. My life felt over. My grades slipped by half a letter. I couldn't do any of my assigned reading or studying. I lost 25 pounds. I couldn't go two hours without sobbing. I sent her all our shared stuff in the mail, even the stuff that was "mine." When she asked me why, I told her I couldn't bear to look at it or to throw our relationship away, so she could do it if she wanted.

I tried to talk to her during the holiday, hoping the few weeks of no contact were enough, and she responded kindly enough, but once again, firmly shut the door in my face. That was the last time I talked to her. She said I probably needed about 6-8 months to get over her. A little later, I went on a family vacation to Disney and Universal and cried the entire time behind my sunglasses.

I was miserable alone, so I entered into a new relationship just not to feel suicidal. It felt so wrong to be alone and to date somebody else. She was an extremely pretty, sweet, and kind girl, Girl B, but it just wasn't what I wanted. I gave it an honest attempt. We held hands, dated, texted al the time, kissed and had sex a time or two, and we visited every weekend, but something in my soul felt deeply wrong. When I was alone, I cried thinking about Girl A. When we walked down the streets, I used to walk with Girl A, I felt miserable. I cried thinking about how life made sense and how I never questioned anything when Girl A and I were together. I cried thinking I lost my person. Girl B was a sweetheart, but she was not my person. I ended it with Girl B because of that, and I felt horrible. I felt like I was making a mistake again. She cried over it, too. I felt like shit. It lasted about a month.

We stayed good friends after we split. We still talk pretty often. We still get lunch together every other week, but we both do so platonically. We both knew it wasn't right, but we are still great friends. I told her I just needed to be single. I believed it.

But that didn't last. I started to feel soul-crushingly horrible again. I couldn't bear being alone, thinking about Girl A all the time. I planned to move far away to restart my life once I graduated. Or maybe I'd become suicidal and die. That seemed ok, too. I even applied for jobs in Alaska. One even accepted me. In the end, I accepted a job in a faraway state that Girl A and I had long planned to move to.

I started dating a new girl, Girl C, just to kinda keep myself sane, telling myself it'll just kinda hold me over for a month, or I wouldn't even need to tell I'm moving. It would end before then. I felt bad being the person who couldn't be alone and always needed a partner. We all know those people.

But then fuck, she was awesome. I knew from the first date that she was special. We started our date at 7 pm and chatted until the restaurant closed at 11, mostly about our niche interests and wacky grad-school lives. Girl C is smart, pretty, and oh-so-extremely kind and sweet. I started to visit her every week, and I stopped crying over Girl A so much. I found new interests, jokes, and memes to enjoy with girl C. We share a lot in common, and she lights up my life. She's honestly an amazing woman.

You can imagine my guilt at the impending move, especially since I hadn't told her. My thought was just to let it roll for a few weeks to see if we were good together, in which case it would be a good problem, and if we were bad together, we could split up and no problem. But it became very obvious that I didn't want to split ever. Yes, I fell in love with Girl C extremely quickly.

I had some really bad nights when we were apart over this decision, where I told her I was just sad, but I didn't give her a reason. She told me it was ok to be sad over things, and that we all get sad, and that I can tell her about it if/when I'm ready. It was horrible. She was so kind, but I knew that I was going to lose her and make her hate me when I told her. I thought about how depressed I was after losing Girl A. But looking at Girl C, I felt a warmth I hadn't felt in months. It felt horrible to lie to her, but I felt like I was literally choosing between life and death.

So one night, with everybody telling me I had to tell her, I did. My heart raced. I started shaking. I prepared for the worst and told her everything that had happened to me and why I was the way I was. I couldn't live the lie. I told her how the thoughts of Girl A still hurt me and that they still made me cry sometimes and made me sad. I told her about how this had eaten me for so long.

I was ready for her to kick me out and to cry and never talk to me again. That's what Girl B told me to expect. And that's also what I thought I deserved. But the hate . . . just . . . didn't . . . happen. She hugged me when I started crying after I told her. She told me she understood, and that I was brave for telling her, and that it's all ok. She told me that I am not a burden to her and that she will help me through everything. She told me she loved me, and that she just wants me to be ok. She told me that if I leave, she would be happy that I am doing what's best for me, and that should always be my goal, even if it makes her sad.

I cried a lot that night, for a different reason than I intended.

I fell in love, for a second time.

So, where are we today? Girl C and I go on tons of dates. It's been about a month and a half, and we are solidly a couple. We spend every weekend together. She makes me happy, and I make her happy. She knows everything about my past relationship pain. Every time I'm sad, I go to her. It's incredible. I keep waiting for her to get sick of my leftover sadness, but it never comes. We're planning what to do about my post-grad job situation. I canceled my across-country job because I no longer want to leave home and die. It's probably unwise to stay somewhere for a girl I've only known for a month or two, but I am not losing another girl like this to distance.

If you had asked me after Girl A whether I would ever love somebody again, I would have said no. I would have believed it too. But now, I have done it.

What about no-contact? Did it help?

Yes. I haven't talked to Girl A in about 4 months. It's crazy. We used to talk all day, every day. I broke the no-contact rule about 100 times when she had already called it quits. I was bad, reader. It probably hurt my chances of her ever changing her mind, but I needed to talk to her, to get my dopamine hit. But every time I did, it felt like she shot me in the heart again. 111 days is insane to think about.

I have done a pretty strong no contact. I blocked her everywhere I could, except text, in case she ever needs me in an emergency. She knows I'd never block her there, and I'd be there if she truly needs somebody. I have not messaged her since. I have not asked her friends about her. I will not check her social media. I don't think the result would be good for either of us, tbh. I have, admittedly, made a good few Snapchat posts with the vague idea that she would see them and be sad (I check the viewers), but I have stopped doing that nearly as much.

I think pretty often about what I would do if she reached out, whether that be because she wanted to be with me again or as friends. I don't know what I will do if/when that day comes. I really don't know at all.

Her mom reached out to me the other day to ask how I was doing. I told her I was well and that I wished her and her family well. I think it was nice. I didn't really give her details of my life. I really do miss those people, and I think her mom and dad miss me, too, but they won't be my family anymore. It was nice to hear that they are doing ok. I hope Girl A is doing well.

Am I completely healed now?

No, I don't think so. I still think about Girl A every day. She's one of the first thoughts I have in the morning, even now. I can still imagine her face. It still hurts when I hear music we loved or think about how close we were to the life we planned. But now I think about Girl C, too. I don't think I was wrong to say my life was over. That life did end. I am not the same person I was when I was with Girl A; my personality is different, and it's not all for the better, admittedly.

I've also lost a lot of my gaiety and belief in people/things. I am paranoid that Girl C is going to get tired of me and leave me. I no longer believe in fate. I no longer believe in true love. I no longer trust people in general. I am extremely worried about when Girl C does her grad trip (to the same place Girl A went broad to).

But I am better, and that is all I can be.

I hope she made the right choice. I do swear to god think we would have had a happy life together. She would have been a great forever partner. I do honestly think that. I don't think my life is "better" now at all. It's just different.

I cleaned house pretty well after Girl A left. However, I still find some leftovers from Girl A pretty often: a trip souvenir I remember is a souvenir, a T-shirt bought on vacation together appears, or an old picture resurfaces somewhere. And when that happens, I hurt a lot again. But it hurts a little less than yesterday. I miss Girl A still. I can't believe I may never see or talk to her again. She was everything to me. After everything we went through, she basically has stopped existing. That feels horrible in a way. It feels like she died, which I cried a lot thinking about the last few years. If I think about it now, it still chokes me up. But that is her choice. She decided to live a life without me.

I still love her, and I think I always will. But I have room in my heart to love another now.

Girl A, please remember to put on cuticle cream; your fingers need it. Remember that you're smart, capable, and beautiful. You'll do amazing things in life. Take care of your mom and dad for me, too. Find somebody who makes you happy; I'm sorry I couldn't. I love you; Be good, my sweet Beeb.

TLDR:

I was cheated on and broken up with by my best friend. I was destroyed. I became suicidal. My life was over. Now I have found someone else, and I feel like life can be ok again. I'm still hurting, and I still miss her, but I am a little better every day. It's not the life I wanted, but it's the one I am going to live.