u/starry_sage_

haha omg two years of reddit on this account (although it would be 5 in total)

Because of my chronic health issues I have missed A LOT of school. I mean like almost half of year 11.

My grades are good, my attendance is okay considering all of my absences are backed up by either a medical certificate or hospital admission.

But for some reason the school psychologist, VCE coordinator, Well-being principal, and year level leader are all HEAVILY pushing this idea of doing year 12 "part time".

My question is why? Why is everyone pushing this? What are the advantages if I'm still getting high 80s, 90s and even 100%'s?

Now my chronic pain and not so recent (last year) surgeries could be playing a part. Or my recent issues with my heart, and maybe the fact that I'm pushing myself physically and mentally so hard to the point that I faint could also play a part. But is this just delaying the inevitable (graduation)?

I don't believe I am having a "mental health crisis" because of VCE nor do I think VCE is physically hurting me.

It's just my chronic pain that doesn't like me sitting up for too long and makes me want to die in well thought out ways... That is literally quite a sane person thing to do - wanting to escape an unpleasant situation is normal and I do not understand why both my school and my parents are thinking it's not.

I am not having a crisis nor do I need to be trapped in the hell-hole of VCE for another year. I don't want to see all my friends go on to live my literal dream (going to uni) because suddenly it's not 2024 anymore and I'm no longer an "edgy" fourteen year old with little to no life experience.

I do not want to be further left behind, I have already experienced sitting on the sidelines watching kids my age grow up while I wait in waiting rooms for my life to finally begin.

But for those of you that have done year 12 over two years, why? and was it actually worth it?

And for those of you who haven't, would you in my situation do it? Or would you just do it for yourself anyway if presented with the chance?

lowk was honest with my psychiatrist and now I might be getting hospitalised for "pain management"

because apparently I've been in so much physical pain for too long I'm now in mental pain as well. Which is fine, I'm fine I guess...

She wrote a letter to my spine specialist and now I have an earlier appointment in an overbooked clinic for Tuesday.

YAY! (sarcastic) not much will probably be discussed in an appointment that short (and early like bruh I have to wake up at 5am)

I honestly don't know what's going to happen so I may be taking ANOTHER prolonged break for however long it takes to get me on new heart meds and anxiety meds that will work with pain meds.

But I will persist.

Anyhow I love y'all so much, and I will definitely keep y'all updated! (and no the basement will not be unlocked while I'm gone, you guys are trapped here forever muhahahahaha :3 )

wdym I'm gonna be a part time senior... now I can't fucking graduate next year and escape this hell-hole.

bruh I know I miss a lot of school because I'm chronically ill, but I STILL TOP MY CLASSES!!! IDC IF THE SCHOOL COUNSELLOR THINKS IM CRAZY AND THAT IVE LOST MY MIND BECAUSE OF EXAMS STFU. (she called my parents, this is a PSA, do NOT trust the school counsellor💀)

I 17AFAB, had spinal fusion for scoliosis at 15. I was promised I would be pain free by 12 months and my already fucked up quality of life would improve, surprise, it did not.

Over the past year and a bit I have had other health issues that got me hospitalised. Mainly an insanely fast heart rate constantly accompanied by frequent fainting and random drops and spikes in blood pressure. I have had numerous holter monitors, and blood pressure monitors worn throughout this time. The lack of answers and debilitating symptoms ultimately landed me on beta blockers (Propranolol).

Ive been on it for about a week, dizziness and other associated symptoms dissapeared and I almost felt semi normal despite moderate to severe pain (which I never expected to go away either). I felt genuinely happy for the first couple of days until today.

After sitting a 2 hour exam, no provisions, I experienced a bad pain day the next day. I have been begging my mum to take me back to the specialist who did my surgery, because even just 5 minutes of no pain would make me ten times less likely to kill myself. I haven’t had my 1 year review, because the clinic is fully booked until late September. I don’t think I can make it until then.

My scoliosis curve looks like it’s progressed in the fused area (T4-T12), my kyphosis has come back and the scar is even curving too. They told me at the time it was possible for the unfused part to curve, but not the fused thoracic part.

My parents are busy and as far as they are concerned, they have done their part by booking an appointment almost 2 whole months away.

They refuse to go to even my GP or Paediatrician, because “I don’t act like I’m in pain“ by that they are referring to my need to study extremely long hours without rest (which FYI is because my brain won’t take anything in without throwing ”healthy study habits out the window”, how is one expected to focus when in pain??)

This confuses me because we are located in Australia and are covered by both medicare and a health care card.

I absolutely cannot go on like this, pretending everything is fine when I clearly feel and know I’m in pain.

I take two hours to get dressed in a school uniform (literally just a dress, sweater/pants in winter and blazer), I sleep on a mattress on the floor in my parents room because I’ll wet myself/the bed at night if I have to climb up/down a bunk bed (Not because I’m lazy, I either don’t wake up or am too slow). Ibuprofen and Paracetamol does a microscopic amount of change to my pain levels, and sometimes even increases it because it gives me a sore stomach (yes I’ve been using them both at least 2-3 times daily for 15 months straight in hopes that it may help.) I am 20 minutes late to every class in my final years of highschool, because walking across campus somehow takes that long, but only for me, nobody else (I try to run sometimes and I’m still late). Not to mention before I was on propranolol I would just faint on my way to class (or come close to)

This isn’t sustainable and I’m tired of everyone praising me for being strong, brave and stoic. I’ve been having suicidal ideation about overdosing since starting propranolol, and have fantasised removing the rods myself since like October last year.

I as a seventeen year old have exhausted all of my options. I just want to get a job, make friends and live that normal teenage life I watch from the sidelines. I just want to graduate already. I have no friends, the surgery stopped people from reaching out because it was always was like “oh you can’t come e-scootering can you?” (not that I’d want to I’ve seen way too many preventable injuries happen that way but anyways you get the idea)

The adults won’t listen, the health system is fucked up because I don’t even know how to use it, I’m practically illiterate with how much school I’ve missed.

I feel trapped in this stupid house, I feel trapped in this stupid school, and I feel trapped in my own fucking body. It’s exhausting, I was never the strong one, it was all a fucking act.

I have one option left, I’m going to take matters into my own hands. I’m going to run away, catch a train into the city, and go to the emergency department of the hospital that did the original surgery by myself (which not gonna lie is fucking crazy going to a childrens hospital without a parent) and tell them that they either help me stop the pain or I’m done.

and to my strict ass parents who will go through this phone whenever they get the news, this is my final goodbye.

If any other person has a better idea, what can I do? What are the next steps? How can I fix what the adults refuse to see? What are my options? its 3:37am so to be objectively clear, this is probably the worst worded post I’ve ever written, and I don’t even know what sub I’m on anymore.

And yeah things could be worse, but they also could be a helluva lot better. Somebody just give me a fucking way forward that doesn’t involve living in both mental and physical agony!

You may ask yourselves, well sage... How is that even possible? How do you accidentally skip class?

And to that, I say I do not know. I fear I am cooked. I just needed the toilet in-between class and then I was like in pain and dizzy and couldn't be bothered to go lmaooo.

My parents are probably notified and I'm writing this in a bathroom stall. 💀 I'm 30 minutes late, our classes are 45 minutes long. 😭😭😭 genuinely don't know what to do so I'll post on reddit type shii