u/ustinov_feudilistic

This might not be the best place for this but it's closest I've found to the types of minds I'd like to talk to. I've read some of your posts and communications and I feel fairly confident most if not all of you take to the "what am I attracting and why" without turning it so spiritual/religious that it becomes preachy and starts to miss the point. I appreciate seeing the analytical side of how this subreddit seems prone to fidget with an issue and see it from more than one perspective. I'm trying to do that by myself and I feel unequipped to resolve the issue.

Without writing an essay or trauma dumping, the synopsis of my life has been baked into a lot of death. I've witnessed death since I was very small and I've lost a lot of people, many of which I had to watch the spirits leave their bodies. Most people probably would have been terrified of this but I adjusted quickly and accepted dying as normal and have no fear of death itself. I do not judge death and I do not experience anger or sadness the way other people tend to when people die. I am not numb, I just don't see it as a bad thing so much as I view it as a necessary part of life. It doesn't overwhelm me.

The problem is I seem to ONLY attract people when they're on their deathbeds, whether that is from a disease, a natural progression of fate, or the grossly intentional towards their own undoing. Intentional people who crave death are oddly attracted to me. They make me sit through their thoughts and expect me to save them, or else maybe they're just too comfortable with the fact I won't try to. I'm not sure. Regardless, I would like a partner and friends who are like me: Ones who want to experience life and are bright about the future even when the future itself appears bleak. I've had glum times but I'm always curious enough to keep going because I always want to turn the page and find out what the next chapter will be. The thought of resigning my own book to a shelf and cashing out early has never appealed to me. ...What does it mean though if all the moths who find themselves at my flame are the ones so lost they need someone who will witness their pain?

I have lost so many people and it doesn't hinder me. I'm at a loss for what shadow work I can really do anymore if any that will help me meet people who aren't three seconds from a short grave. I've buried friends, family, partners, children, and every person I meet is either more of the same or else it's someone who meets me the day their closest people die. I feel like I've been forced into the role of an anti-reaper, one who sees people after death and is expected to ferry them back to the land of the living. The isolation in this is beginning to weigh on me.

Respectfully, if anyone has heard of or is experiencing something similar or knows about the topic, I would appreciate any guidance on how to dance with this predicament so as to actually meet people who survive and want to survive. The longest anything I've had friendships included has been less than a year. It seems everyone meets me at their grave. It's hard not to feel like I'm an omen.

I wrote a book when I was seventeen when my best friends were murdered. It has been in a drawer almost as many as years as they were when they died. Recently, I've been considering publishing it. Considering it is grammatical to have em-dashes, they are strewn throughout my book. Now that AI exists (almost fifteen years later) everyone seems to think the presence of em-dashes means it was written 'by' AI.

I have already edited this book several times throughout my life, more than three and probably less than a full seven, so it doesn't need another run through. Unfortunately, due to the way people are, I feel collapsed by the effort I "wasted" because it is a chonky boy of a book (about 600 pages including all the pages that are "just" illustrations which is half the novel/graphic novel). It's also a very heavy read emotionally, dealing with traumatic experiences that I don't personally want to read through again.

Am I supposed to force myself to sit through the whole mugging book and rewrite every barmy passage with a fine toothed comb to remove every em-dash? If I don't is everyone gonna just throw my book away and assume it's ai generative slop?

I am crushed by the weight of everything I have "wasted" by utilizing proper syntax to begin with. Will these damned em-dashes truly have such a potential to ruin me before I begin unless I re-traumatize myself with the task of sifting through everything? It's not 'just another slice' at this point, the knife is a pendulum that drags over thin skin these days and my eyes burn dry at the thought of it.

I was thinking how there's a tendency for people to assume personality traits off names. Plenty of studies that show we make these types of "oh they'll act like...." based off names.

I'm curious if you're hitting it off with a new potential friend, what names make you decide "i'll invite her to the after party" type energy vs "i'll invite her to that dinner I have to go to"

ignore the urge to say "i actually get to know people" because everyone does. Names do affect how much you want to connect in different ways.

Nothing feels right cuz nothing ever really feels right or wrong and it's a huge commitment and I've never been allowed to make any type of commitment that wasn't forced on me. (sports your parents put you in type of commitments and when they arrange who you're supposed to be in a relationship with crap).

When you can't feel what you want and there's just a bunch of pressure to do the "right" thing and so many negative associations that anyone can have including you it's already tricky. I know a couple features I want of the name but once I get to the shortlist phase nothing happens. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel so I don't know how to go "oh it's that one."

Anyone have any tips how to deal with finding the "this is the dress" feeling when you have intense alexithymia? Any tips and tricks would be great.

Moved to a new culture and want to forego my very long name to something shorter and more consistent with how I feel. I'm kinda icy, a bit abstract, grew up a huge ballerina head. I have a lot of sharpness but I'm still gentle and I want to find a name that suits that.

I made the mistake of trying Brisa and then being later informed Bris is the word for circumcision. I recently fell in love with Sprita and it made the person I told choke and spittake their drink. She had to explain to me apparently Sprita is the word for when a girl ejaculates urine during sex or an animal pees during mating season. So I thought I'd try Ilka but everyone kept calling me Helga and Elkie which I didn't like or asking me if I was saying I'm ill. I like Iska a lot, it's the only option I have left, but it still doesn't feel right.

I need some assistance from people who know negative associations in english better than me. I like sharp short names. All the short names I can find for girls aren't sharp they're like Elle, Blaise, Blythe, Blaire, Dawn, Fawn, Laine, Paige, Maeve, Neve, Raine, Wren, Belle, Bella, Ella, Anna, Ona, Ola, Katie, Kylie, Layla, Hannah, Duffy, Sophie, Sophia, Daphne, Dana, Dina, Lena, Tina, May. They're all soft and open. I can't find a list anywhere that sounds more like ice and hissing and sharpness that's a bit more abstract. I don't want weird I just want clean sharp and distinct. Any ideas?

Update: Shortlist is Forming.

Current Shortlist: (in no particular order. none are necessarily perfect but I figured a longer list would help people hear what I'm attracted to. A lot of these names just sound too old fashioned but they have the right components. Others are just too famous like Nausicaa and Nikita. I'm hoping somebody will see this list and go "hey wait this one you don't have fits what you like" and I'll have an ah-hah moment, but idk how realistic that hope is and what that ah-hah moment is supposed to feel like)

Thistle -don't like that it doesn't sound like a real name but like the sound.

Urszula, Dorinda, Tamasina, Tommeliska, Caprice, Jude/Juda, Saskia, Sitka, Sasha/Stasha, Setha, Isaaca, Barzah, Balta, Belka, Parkita, Parvatia, Petra, Drell/Drella, Dinithi, Enid, Tanushi, Cynthia/Scythia, Helene (Huh Layne Uh) -hate how much I know it will be mispronounced on paper, Okoye, Harukaa, Denise, Narcissa/Narissa, Nausicaa, Otil, Otilis, Nikita, Nadissia, Itka/Iska, Irecles/Herocles, Ikisa, Kaliske/Calista, Cosima, and lastly Irene/Ailene (don't love that it sounds like I'm leaning on stuff but I like the vowel sounds)

Any ideas are welcome. Thank you guys so much!

Edit: Ulterior Short List.

I just watched this video about instincts versus external pressure and how to tell the difference. Basically if the only reason you don't do something is because you're "not supposed to" or "shouldn't" then that's not actually about you and you're actively shaming your instincts of personal inclination. So I have made this secondary Short list. I shall call it the Shame List. It's every name I fucking LOVE and am completely obsessed with, but I know I "shouldn't" be for a number of reasons.

Urszula, Nancy, Adelaide, Blanca, Bruschka, Branca, April, Beatrix/Trixell/Trixie, Ined, Petra/Petrovka, Hortensia, Hildegarde, Agnetska, Cosima, Calliope, Kaleida, Pruscilla, Portensia, Iska, Sitka, Cassandra, Hosanna, Havana, Hosefina, Sempra, Cecilia, Breony.

obviously some names are on both lists. There is a reason.

there are a lot of reasons I am not supposed to do those names and I won't explain them, but that's the north star. I don't know how much that helps when they're all names I "Shouldn't" do, but maybe they all have something in common that I can't see and someone else does see a resemblence I'm not noticing.

I grew up in a culture where it's normal to have upwards of 6 and 11 and 18 middle names and every daughter has two first names and I'm feeling like a bit of an outsider since moving to a western culture. It's sort of putting me on edge a bit that people I meet will immediately treat me like an exhibit and ask me several invasive questions immediately. I don't think any of them are acting in malice but I do feel uncomfortable. My first name is 9 syllables which is extremely common from how and where I grew up. Even though it's very easy to say (think "AbolisAkodolana" or "GretaninaHavaline" every name is very staccato syllabic where it's just Da-uh-pa-ka-la-na-ma. In my opinion if you can just sound it out and it's all simple sounds I really shouldn't have to deal with people deciding they get to give me a nickname that's more convenient for them. If I'm telling you my name OlanadaLianani then why are you immediately calling me Nina and thinking I'm gonna know you're talking to me? I feel it is very rude too, but here if I say "That's actually not my name, please say my name or I won't answer when you call" it is making people act like I am the rude one and I am the bitch for not letting there lives be made easier by saving half a second in not learning to say my name correctly.

I am also experiencing a lot of rude laughter where you will hear me say directly "OlanadaLianani" and the westerners go "Kokodigadicksauce" and "Digeridoopoopoowah" there's a point where it feels like you're just actively trying to be abrasive towards me.

So here is my dilemna: I have started trying on different names and they all feel like I'm trying to be someone else. It makes me feel fear that people will decide I'm a liar if I keep trying on different names to see how they fare in social settings so I am becoming reclusive to avoid social harm. I'm thinking of just going by one of my many middle names, some of which are only two syllables, which feels somewhat less like lying but makes my body feel very defensive. I feel my shoulders tighten and things like this. I notice even with two syllables westerners do not want to say the name right. (Telka will become Tiana, Drinka will become Genie, Hanika will become Harajuko, etc) I know nicknames are very common here but I can't help feeling like what is the point in having a first name (or any name) if I don't even get to go by it because people here just change it for their own preference.

As well, I have started wondering very much if I should cut my name down to one first name and one last name like westerners here because it is unlikely to ever have a need for any middle names here, I do not have access to anyone from my culture here, and it would likely simplify introductions and overall my life perhaps, but it feels conflict in my body because how do you choose which parts of your heritage deserve to continue? I am massacreing my ancestors if I start choosing which names are valuable enough to keep.