u/AdmirableLoss129

i made the mistake of losing the best friend in my world. she cared for me, knew me so well in the short time I was friends with her, 1.5 years. she was such a ball of light, so loving, so funny, hilarious!! the best hugs ever, she was amazing at everything she did, so much drive. she was the safest person i had ever met, and she was the hardest person to “crack into” when I met her, so it feels like I’ll never find another her again. she was inspiring, loved me as much as I loved her. when we became friends it was like we’d known each other our entire lives. she was my soulmate, I believe we still are. and that’s why this hurts so bad.

our friendship ended 01/2025. The reason: I got off my medication (ssri that my bipolar was incompatible with) late 2024 and a few months in I became depressed and withdrew, thought she actually hated me. i told her that her doing good things for me never sat right with me. i think I basically called her good actions disingenuous. she told me she was stepping away from the friendship and I was hurt by it, I thought she would never leave. and two months later, I blocked her on her birthday because her being gone hurt me so bad.

I’m medicated and sober now, but I still miss her, she’s still gone. she changed her number, has me blocked on almost everywhere, she recently blocked me on Spotify too, which hurt me the most because over a year had already passed, it was the last place i still had her on. music was the way we bonded. i listen to music in the car now and wish she was there to have fun with me.

I’ve had several friends since, I know not one single person is the same, but I’ve met multiple archetypes of the same people so I was hoping id meet her again in someone else. and I haven’t. it’s almost two years later and I still don’t have my safe person, who loved me unconditionally and doesn’t judge me and hugs me so safely. we was supposed to be there for my wedding. i know she loved me, so much. i feel like I can’t cope and I don’t know how to continue to move on.

i knew I was wrong shortly after, and I’ve become a better person by a thousand miles since we’ve stopped being friends. I wouldn’t have been able to if we were still friends. i was meant to work through a lot of my issues alone and love myself. and now I do. but she is still not here.

i just wish I had a safe person to hug me right now, I feel so alone even with friends around me. no one feels right, and I feel genuinely the biggest void in my soul. and it’s not just about losing her, it’s the fact that I genuinely feel so alone and struggle to feel safe anywhere. she would hate to know that im in so much pain with recent events. out of everyone she would’ve been here to hug me and make me feel human and okay.

August 14: I was woken from deep sleep, then went back to bed. I was drifting asleep and I heard "JACKIE!!!" and my mom takes like 2-3 seconds and goes "it's like I heard someone call your name?" I instantly woke up and I tell her I heard it too. I call my sisters and asked if any called me, and they said no, and they were all minding their own business getting ready for work and school. My mom was sleeping next to me when she heard this.
August 29: This happened for the second time this month. I was having a weird reoccurring dream about a prehistoric hike I was about to get lost in. I then hear my brain/dream yell "mom!" and a split second later my mom turned around and said "I just heard someone call my name." I of course wake up right away to tell her that I heard that in my dream too. We are the only ones home. My mom was sleeping next to me when she heard this too. (shortly after her friend called and asked her for a ride. My mom frantically rushed to get ready. I prayed and manifested that nothing bad happens to her, or that something makes it not end up happening and makes her not have to go. About two minutes later her friend randomly cancels and says "actually never mind I have a ride by someone else," right as my mom was about to leave. My mom found it weird too. why ask her when the friend had a more reliable ride before, idk.)
September 9: My cat heard it. I was asleep and heard a creepy, unwelcoming male's voice say "hello," like a speaker clearly playing it inside my head. My cat, who was laying on the pillow next to me, perked up instantly and catapulted himself off the bed and hid. He always did this when unfamiliar men came into my room. My dad was at work. I know he heard it.
September 19: I was watching a show, I heard a faint knock.
The front door cam did not go off, and the fuse to the camera was broken at 5pm earlier that day, so I couldn't see any movement in the front yard. Immediately my small dog started barking, but not my dog downstairs. It sounded like a knock upstairs nearby.
At the same time my dog upstairs barked, my boy cat growled aggressively. He only growls if he for a fact sees or hears something, he doesn't growl just because pets are barking.
We checked every room, every corner, nothing. I checked the front door myself since my window faces it, no one. Nothing. Not even the light sensor tripped outside.
It was a thun thun thun knock. Sounded kinda hollow and soft, not sharp.
My sister heard it from the bathroom too and texted me when it happened, she said it sounded like it was right next to her. For me it sounded like it was more towards the upstairs living room, but definitely upstairs. The knocks stopped. My cat didn't even growl at the window. it was like he growled towards where I heard it. staring into the oblivion, but not at my personal window. likely at my door or closet, almost like he was in a daze.

EDIT::: after the Jackie, mom, and before the hello : I kept being woken up in the middle of the night for no reason and seeing figures or something random. I wouldn't register it at first, then I'd realize it wasn't supposed to be there and start screaming "what the fuck is that." This happened consistently for two weeks. Being woken up and then seeing something felt like someone was having me see it, like I was being pranked or ragebaited, like someone was trying to trigger me by putting something scary there. So I'd end up angry, not scared, angry at someone.

this happened today for the second time this month. i was having a weird reoccurring dream about a prehistoric hike I was about to get lost in. i then hear my brain/dream yell “mom!” and a split second later my mom turned around and said “I just heard someone call my name”. i of course wake up right away to tell her that I heard that in my dream too. we are the only ones home. we acknowledged how weird this is, being the third time it’s happened.

the last time this happened before today: I was woken from deep sleep, then went back to bed. i was drifting asleep and I heard “JACKIE!!!” and my mom takes like 2-3 seconds and goes “it’s like I heard someone call your name?”. I instantly woke up and I tell her I heard it too. i call my sisters and asked if any called me, and they said no and we’re all minding their business getting ready for work and school.

is there any explanation of this paranormal wise?

does anyone mind sharing reasons they admitted themselves for, im hoping to see if any align with mine or if I’m just a baby.

i had a dosage increase 6/24 and it bumped me into hypo mania, prior to this I was on the same dose for a month completely stable with proof on my emoods app of this. then 7/10 decreasing back to my previous stable dose I feel such a pit in my stomach. and deep depression. it’s been almost two weeks

my 24thbirthday is in 3 days , I should’ve admitted myself two weeks ago but I had a depop dispute I needed to tend to and packages to ship because im unemployed and this is my income. i also was waiting on callbacks for jobs, and waiting for the finale of love island to watch with my sisters. i was also on treatment I was afraid they wouldn’t provide in there

i feel better than I did before but ever since my increase the 24th last month, SI won’t leave my brain. I would never act on it anymore, I’ve managed that part, which is why im apprehensive with admitting myself (this would be my fourth time) but my mind finds comfort in sitting in the thought that I would rather not exist or continue. i don’t hate life, but I hate MY life.

I am so strong abd resilient, the strongest person I know and I hate this for me. i hate this dreadful anxiety. i hate the comments my family makes about my anxiety. should I admit myself?

im just hoping this is just a period of re-stabilization before my brain is like oh yeah okay we’re safe and life is manageable we got this.

I noticed the biggest changes on 50mg to 75mg. I was on 75 for two months. I’ve taken 100mg for three going on four days and I don’t feel a difference? what is everyone else’s experience with these dosages as well? I seem to have responded well to the medication, I had to go very slow considering my body thought lamotrigine was a threat at first and id break out in some rashes and itchiness (dr kept an eye on it and cleared me). I got itchy a few hours into 100mg but completely stopped yay!!!

i was just hopping for a little more pizazz on 100

i guess I’ll notice a difference the week leading into my period as that’s when my bipolar symptoms have been the worst.

i feel like someone has gotten too close or is relying too much on me right now. I feel gross. and then they get mad im not in contact. I hate feeling pressured to be there. I want to want to be there but they constantly ask me to check in.

some of my friends have sort of complained about my inconsistency. and sometimes the inconsistent friendships I have hurt my feelings. but it’s also safe. I go back and forth between abandoned and abandoning. right now I really just don’t want to speak to them at all. I feel far gone. I need space. and I feel if I communicate that I will feel bad for having said it and go back on my word. I always do.

i feel so bad, and exhausted. my body and mind has completely put up a wall. like the floor is lava challenge. it feels like if they reach out one more time I won’t be able to give them what they need. i was usually able to consistently show up for them but not everyday. like each time we spoke I was there for them, but I made sure to sparsely keep in contact, a few times a week, once a week, it’s gotten better than my one every two weeks. but even as I’ve pushed past my limit of being close it seems they genuinely want to talk on the phone twice a day or everyday. it sucks because I get it, but also why can’t they feel my energy and why keep relying on me and pushing.

idk what to do

for context, im in between jobs right now, but I am excited to see this old friend. I don’t ever go out, I haven’t gone out in months, but I’d really like to go out this one time. My dad gives me some money to spend as I wish to support me sometimes, and my sisters birthday is coming up in a few days.

we made the plans to go eat pho which she set up, I was completely fine because we’ve talked about this place before.

that day she offered to scoop me and I’m usually the one that drives so I gladly accepted.

it dawned on me today, the day of that I wonder if it’s expected of me to pay for her? im dead broke but if I have to I will. i just wouldn’t have accepted the ride if I realized there would’ve been this connotation behind it, since I never expected my passengers to pay for me and I always refused, so now I feel dumb.

this is super specific but I’ve always been the kind of person to wake up the second I hear my alarm. I’ve never slept through an alarm ever.

I am only on 75mg and started lamotrigine April 1. im also on Wellbutrin. it sucks now because I can’t even take my meds at the right time since I keep missing my med alarm in the morning. it straight up feels like the alarm never even went off to begin with

I am not sure why but I can distinctly notice experiencing an intense feeling of shame as of yesterday. it’s really loud, it’s heavy and sticky. it’s at the forefront of my brain. I think I forget about it until something anything happens and then im embarrassed, im shameful, I feel inferior. it’s like im extra sensitive to feeling embarrassed and I’ve usually been a carefree person.

I have had moments of guilt or moments where I feel like crap, but not like this. it’s shame. kinda like when everything’s going wrong and you stub your toe. i keep stubbing my toe on different corners.

for example:
- I was cruising with another car and I got him by a few feet and he rolled down his window to tell me my trunk was open (it’s broken). I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
- i got a used ps4 and when I went to pick up, he noticed my car and its a nicer car and I felt shame.
-I went to little Caesar’s and went to pick up and the cashier lied about a 45 min wait per the previous customer that he did the same to, so I passed it along to another couple and they looked at me like “okayyy?”, I felt disgust and embarrassment with me myself.
-then I got home and tested out the ps4 and thought it didn’t work and felt shame.
-Then I played Fortnite this morning and let my team down and I can’t stop feeling like an embarrassment like shame like not wanting to be abandoned.
-I asked my cousin for a ps4 remote and he made fun of me for still having one and I felt intense shame and said something rude back.

for the last few days it’s almost like everything i do brings me deep shame it’s so sticky I hope there’s an end but it’s all bleeding into each other

i had a dream he was doing a private showing of his new movie he’s gonna release. It featured some of his new style, wasn’t like the old rocky.

at first he started it off like that cowboy western black and white. then he brought on Evan peters. He kind of was really creative with it and turned it into this horror.

i even brought my brown and black asap guess shirt with tight balmain jeans. my ex was there

6/10 cuz I woke up. he should really do this. not a documentary but some creative ass movie

I’ve loved this song for a few years and knew about the wired shut stuff, but I barely noticed he quite literally made this with his mouth wired shut. what the flip! i just noticed his voice and was like wait?? he wasn’t joking

i got my first tattoo back in 2020, with my first big piece on my arm in 2024. I got another big one two weeks later. then needed to fill more space so I got another one in 2025. I still have plenty of real estate left.

but literally I see them on my body so much, and I did get them impulsively (unknowingly manic) and I appreciate them so much because that was the era I was in. I don’t regret it but I do wish I would’ve thought about it, not that I would’ve listened at the time.

but now I look at my arm in awe all the time, like wait??? how did this literally get here? it’s not just skin? it’s pictures on my skin. there’s something in my skin that’s permanent. beautiful pieces by my trusted artist since 2022.

and man I hate when my allergies flare up, weather, or medication changes because my tattoos are the first thing they attack.

I’m so happy and excited. they were my first non real friend finch friend everrrr. and they gifted me a friendship necklace too which they have as well. I’m so glad they’re back. I missed them

this isn’t something I can necessarily ask my parents because they have lived in the same state all their lives on the west side. as a young girl I dreamed of moving to all different types of states. I always wanted four seasons, an inclusive environment, affordable with a good job market, just a nice area not too safe not too bad.

but one thing that sits in the back of my mind is my almost irrational fear of pests. i lived in a terrible apartment in my state near the east side and we would see 3 roaches a day inside and roaches crawling allll over the sidewalk at night. i did not grow up with this. my heart would get 20 pounds heavier, my skin would shrivel, I would cry, at first I would let out the loudest yell for the first two months at every sight. it was a culture shock. just spiders everywhere, mold. and so that has me thinking like, I can’t do NY or any city where there’s big fat rats and roaches I just can’t but I feel like this limits my options severely.

i don’t want to stay in my state forever, it’s very charming and everything is here, but I do crave new. the ability to test my adaptability.

i am a thinker for sure, and last night at a meeting i had a growth moment, and i hope anyone resonates too :)

prior to going to na meetings, I was very spiritual and not too into religion, or god. I still am very spiritual—god as we know him.

but my sponsor taught me that we all have our own relationship with god, and last night at a late night meeting I thought, hmm ever since I got on medication for my mood disorder I can’t feel god anymore. maybe he abandoned me.

and then I realized that my entire life I thought of god as someone who was for everyone, unable to constantly be here by my side 247, like a classroom with a 28:1 student teacher ratio, rather than god being my own personal god, someone who is my own, and cares about me and vice versa.
when I realized that god, my god has always been here with me, and will always be for me, it’s like I felt his/it’s presence and that’s when I started seeing the magic and the blessings come in again. it all felt right.

there’s been so many times I flaked on her, bc life was lifeing on its terms, or my mental health, or medication transition, or moving. I get overwhelmed and feel pressured to be perfect or constantly show up everywhere w her. idk why I feel so much pressure.

but seeing the grace she gives me reminds me I CAN be vulnerable and I’m not being judged, like my mind is telling me. she’s okay with being there for me despite me being a newcomer and being in and out. I appreciate this.

I feel like I don’t deserve her, but i know this can be good for me. I was stuck on the powerless question for two weeks, and the gift of desperation hit me tonight and I was able to get some good stuff down and completed six question from step one.