u/AuroraNebulosa

I’m trying to figure out where women actually find good men — not perfect men, but men who are emotionally mature, steady, reciprocal, and capable of honoring reasonable requests.

A major past relationship taught me a painful lesson. My former boyfriend often seemed caring in theory, but when I made even small, reasonable requests, he hesitated, resisted, or acted as though I was asking too much. Over time, that pattern wore me down. It eventually became one of the reasons I could no longer keep him in my life in the same way.

Since then, I’ve noticed similar dynamics elsewhere: men who seem sensitive, deep, intelligent, or emotionally compelling, but who struggle with basic consistency, communication, or follow-through when it actually matters.

I’m not looking for constant attention or perfection. I’m looking for a man whose care shows up in concrete ways — someone who can handle basic emotional reciprocity without treating it as pressure, control, or drama.

For women who have found emotionally mature, dependable men: where did you find them? What spaces, communities, dating contexts, or early filters helped you recognize them?

And how did you learn to distinguish real depth from woundedness, charm, or sensitivity that does not come with actual steadiness?

I keep seeing a repeated pattern in my life where even small requests even to those who are supposed to be close to me, including (former) boyfriends and parents, say, for time or effort, get balked at or denied. (Don’t want to get into the dirty details here.) Can someone please reassure me that I’m not too much for asking, that I’m valuable enough and that my requests are valid enough not to receive these kinds of responses?

I’m dealing with a long-term unrequited love situation, but it is not a simple “I barely know him and I’m fantasizing” situation. That is part of what makes it so hard.

I’ve known this man since 2019. I’ll call him P. We live in different countries, so distance is a major part of the situation. He is in Italy, and I am in the United States. But this has not been a casual or occasional connection. We talk every day. We have a daily good morning / good night rhythm and very rarely miss a day. At this point, cutting contact would feel less like “moving on from a crush” and more like ripping out a part of my daily emotional life.

We are very close. He has described me in a “sister” sort of way, which obviously hurts because my feelings go beyond sisterly. But the closeness itself is real. We talk about ordinary things, cultural things, language, life, emotions, anxieties, depression, humor, interests, and the strange little details that make up a real connection over time. We have shared years of daily presence.

Part of why he matters so much to me is that he feels unusually rare. He is intellectually alive in a way I don’t often find. He has old-world, historical, and nerdy interests that deeply appeal to me. He is an amateur blacksmith and involved in Roman reenactment, which probably sounds oddly specific, but those things fit exactly into the kind of mind and soul I tend to be drawn to. I’m a humanities/classics-minded person myself, so that whole world means something to me. With him, I do not get bored. After years, the interest is still there.

There is also an emotional closeness that confuses me. He has depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sometimes seems afraid of closeness or of being wanted. He can say things that sound very definitive, like that he is not attracted to me or that I am like a sister to him. At the same time, there is a sustained attachment between us. He keeps showing up. He is vulnerable with me. In person, he can be physically affectionate but also guarded. There have been moments where he seemed to hold back out of fear, and other moments where he held me close when I was crying. Those moments are hard to file neatly under “he feels nothing.”

I am not trying to deny reality. I know that he has not chosen me romantically. I know that mixed signals are not the same thing as love. I know that someone’s pain, depression, fear, or low self-esteem does not automatically mean he secretly loves me. I also know that long-distance relationships are hard, and he has been hesitant about them. There may be incompatibilities too. I am gray-asexual/demisexual, and I suspect he may be much more sexual than I am, so even if feelings were returned, there would be real things to talk through.

I have also officially moved on in the practical sense. I am not sitting around refusing to meet anyone else. I am actively looking in dating spaces, talking to people, and trying to remain open to another serious relationship. I know I cannot build my whole future around someone who has not chosen me.

But emotionally, my heart is still ultimately with him. That is the painful contradiction. I can move forward with my life, and I am doing that, but the deepest part of my romantic attachment has not really transferred elsewhere. I keep comparing other possibilities to him, and no one has yet felt as rare, meaningful, or emotionally significant.

So I’m stuck between several truths:

One, I cannot make someone love me. I do not want to manipulate him, pressure him, guilt him, or try to override his will. I would only want love if it were freely given.

Two, I am not refusing reality. I have accepted that he has not chosen me, and I am actively trying to date and build a future that does not depend on him.

Three, despite that, I still wonder whether there are ethical ways to encourage openness. Not force. Not chase. Not beg. But perhaps to gently make the possibility more visible.

Is there a healthy way to encourage someone close to you to see you differently, especially when there is already deep trust and daily emotional intimacy?

Is there a way to create emotional space for attraction to grow without pressuring him?

How do I know whether his “sister” framing is truly final, or whether it is partly a defensive way of keeping love, distance, fear, and vulnerability safely contained?

At what point does hope become self-harm?

And for those who have been in a long-term unrequited love situation with someone you were genuinely close to: did anything ever shift? Did distance, honesty, changed boundaries, or time make a difference? Or did you eventually have to accept that closeness and romantic reciprocity were not the same thing?

I am not looking for advice on how to control him. I’m asking whether there is any dignified, ethical way to invite the possibility of being loved back — while still respecting that the final answer may be no.

I’m dealing with a long-term unrequited love situation, but it is not a simple “I barely know him and I’m fantasizing” situation. That is part of what makes it so hard.

I’ve known this man since 2019. I’ll call him P. We live in different countries, so distance is a major part of the situation. He is in Italy, and I am in the United States. But this has not been a casual or occasional connection. We talk every day. We have a daily good morning / good night rhythm and very rarely miss a day. At this point, cutting contact would feel less like “moving on from a crush” and more like ripping out a part of my daily emotional life.

We are very close. He has described me in a “sister” sort of way, which obviously hurts because my feelings go beyond sisterly. But the closeness itself is real. We talk about ordinary things, cultural things, language, life, emotions, anxieties, depression, humor, interests, and the strange little details that make up a real connection over time. We have shared years of daily presence.

Part of why he matters so much to me is that he feels unusually rare. He is intellectually alive in a way I don’t often find. He has old-world, historical, and nerdy interests that deeply appeal to me. He is an amateur blacksmith and involved in Roman reenactment, which probably sounds oddly specific, but those things fit exactly into the kind of mind and soul I tend to be drawn to. I’m a humanities/classics-minded person myself, so that whole world means something to me. With him, I do not get bored. After years, the interest is still there.

There is also an emotional closeness that confuses me. He has depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and sometimes seems afraid of closeness or of being wanted. He can say things that sound very definitive, like that he is not attracted to me or that I am like a sister to him. At the same time, there is a sustained attachment between us. He keeps showing up. He is vulnerable with me. In person, he can be physically affectionate but also guarded. There have been moments where he seemed to hold back out of fear, and other moments where he held me close when I was crying. Those moments are hard to file neatly under “he feels nothing.”

I am not trying to deny reality. I know that he has not chosen me romantically. I know that mixed signals are not the same thing as love. I know that someone’s pain, depression, fear, or low self-esteem does not automatically mean he secretly loves me. I also know that long-distance relationships are hard, and he has been hesitant about them. There may be incompatibilities too. I am gray-asexual/demisexual, and I suspect he may be much more sexual than I am, so even if feelings were returned, there would be real things to talk through.

I have also officially moved on in the practical sense. I am not sitting around refusing to meet anyone else. I am actively looking in dating spaces, talking to people, and trying to remain open to another serious relationship. I know I cannot build my whole future around someone who has not chosen me.

But emotionally, my heart is still ultimately with him. That is the painful contradiction. I can move forward with my life, and I am doing that, but the deepest part of my romantic attachment has not really transferred elsewhere. I keep comparing other possibilities to him, and no one has yet felt as rare, meaningful, or emotionally significant.

So I’m stuck between several truths:

One, I cannot make someone love me. I do not want to manipulate him, pressure him, guilt him, or try to override his will. I would only want love if it were freely given.

Two, I am not refusing reality. I have accepted that he has not chosen me, and I am actively trying to date and build a future that does not depend on him.

Three, despite that, I still wonder whether there are ethical ways to encourage openness. Not force. Not chase. Not beg. But perhaps to gently make the possibility more visible.

Is there a healthy way to encourage someone close to you to see you differently, especially when there is already deep trust and daily emotional intimacy?

Is there a way to create emotional space for attraction to grow without pressuring him?

How do I know whether his “sister” framing is truly final, or whether it is partly a defensive way of keeping love, distance, fear, and vulnerability safely contained?

At what point does hope become self-harm?

And for those who have been in a long-term unrequited love situation with someone you were genuinely close to: did anything ever shift? Did distance, honesty, changed boundaries, or time make a difference? Or did you eventually have to accept that closeness and romantic reciprocity were not the same thing?

I am not looking for advice on how to control him. I’m asking whether there is any dignified, ethical way to invite the possibility of being loved back — while still respecting that the final answer may be no.

CW: grief, family stress, caregiver-type stress, panic/trauma response, chronic illness, household problems, overwhelm

I’m not looking for a diagnosis or medical advice. I’m looking for people who understand cumulative overwhelm — when it is not one crisis, but problem after problem after problem until your nervous system feels like it cannot take one more thing.

My life has felt like this for years, especially since around 2017, and lately it has intensified. My dad was controlling, volatile, and verbally/emotionally abusive. Growing up involved a lot of walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace. When he died, I felt grief, but also relief, because I no longer had to live under that emotional pressure in the same way. That relief itself is complicated.

Since his death, I think my nervous system has become much more sensitive to distress in people close to me, especially my mom. When she sounds upset, scared, shaky, or close to crying, my body can react automatically. It is not just “I’m worried.” It can become crying, screaming, panicking, wanting to run, feeling trapped, and not knowing what to do. It feels like my body reads her distress as danger.

My mom is also under a lot of stress. She has physical problems, aging-related limitations, and possible anxiety. I also worry about memory/thinking issues at times. She recently said, with a shaky voice, that she tries not to let things bother her because otherwise she would go absolutely crazy. That broke my heart, but it also scared me because seeing her in that state can trigger me badly.

I suspect she may hide her distress partly because she knows how intensely I react. Then I feel guilty because I do not want her carrying everything alone. At the same time, I do not think I can safely be the person who receives the full force of her distress right now. It feels like both of us need support, but neither of us has enough.

Her one close friend is dealing with serious physical issues and may be in a nursing home right now, so even her support system is thin. Mine is thin too. I have one very close friend, but not a broad network. I live in a rural area with limited transportation and limited practical supports. I am also blind, on a limited/fixed income, and a lot of ordinary life problems become more expensive, more logistically difficult, or more dependent on other people than they would be otherwise.

There are also constant practical problems. Household problems keep coming up, including recurring mold concerns and worries about whether treatment or air quality is safe for my cat. My cat is extremely important to me, and when something might affect him, that becomes another layer of stress. Vet expenses and pet health worries have also been part of the pileup.

I have chronic health issues and health anxiety, including heart-rate/dysautonomia-type problems, and sometimes chest symptoms that are hard to interpret because physical symptoms and anxiety can feed into each other. That makes it harder to know what is urgent and what is my nervous system reacting.

I’m also dealing with financial stress, housing uncertainty, inaccessible systems, and the general exhaustion of trying to navigate complicated services and websites while blind. I am trying to build a more independent future, but a lot of the paths forward involve waiting lists, bureaucracy, money, transportation, or other people’s availability.

So it is not one thing. It is grief, family trauma, my mom’s issues, my own health issues, limited money, limited transportation, rural isolation, inaccessible systems, household problems, pet worries, and the feeling that every time I start to stabilize, something else happens.

I am exhausted, angry, scared, and overwhelmed. I feel guilty that I cannot be more emotionally available to my mom, but I also know that her distress can trigger a panic/fight-or-flight response in me that I cannot just willpower my way out of. I feel trapped between loving her, needing distance from her distress, and having very few outside supports for either of us.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of cumulative overwhelm, where life just keeps stacking problems until you feel overloaded all the time? How do you cope when the support system is thin, therapy is not easily available or has not been helpful, and there is no obvious place to put all the stress?

Greetings to all. Just joined this community so I guess this would be an introduction of sorts.

While I do in fact have one close friend and a bunch of what i would consider mere acquaintances, I still very often feel emotionally alone, like no-one ever just completely “gets me”.

This is probably exacerbated by the fact that I have one of the most unique personalities/personality combos out there: INFJ-T/E4w5/melancholic-choleric-phlegmatic

Also on the ace spectrum.

Also socially awkward, possibly a bit aspie.

LOL

Have always been described as “intense”.

Indeed consider myself rather eccentric.

I am also legally blind, so a largely inaccessible environment makes it difficult to get out/socialize

Greetings to all. Just joined this community so I guess this would be an introduction of sorts.

While I do in fact have one close friend and a bunch of what i would consider mere acquaintances, I still very often feel emotionally alone, like no-one ever just completely “gets me”.

This is probably exacerbated by the fact that I have one of the most unique personalities/personality combos out there: INFJ-T/E4w5/melancholic-choleric-phlegmatic

Also on the ace spectrum.

Also socially awkward, possibly a bit aspie.

LOL

Have always been described as “intense”.

Indeed consider myself rather eccentric.

I am also legally blind, so a largely inaccessible environment makes it difficult to get out/socialize

Greetings to all. Just joined this community so I guess this would be an introduction of sorts.

While I do in fact have one close friend and a bunch of what i would consider mere acquaintances, I still very often feel emotionally alone, like no-one ever just completely “gets me”.

This is probably exacerbated by the fact that I have one of the most unique personalities/personality combos out there: INFJ-T/E4w5/melancholic-choleric-phlegmatic

Also on the ace spectrum.

Also socially awkward, possibly a bit aspie.

LOL

Have always been described as “intense”.

Indeed consider myself rather eccentric.

I am also legally blind, so a largely inaccessible environment makes it difficult to get out/socialize

New here. So, really bad day with what I believe? Is this today. I typically have very mild twinges of pain and some pressure and it seems to get exacerbated after Covid vaccines. I have had Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia for around 20 years now and the mild twinge thing started I believe at about the same time. However, I believe I strained something recently around this area and it really got bad. Started as a bit of a flare several days ago and last night got really intense. Stayed intense today and have basically been “eating” Tylenol for it.

Bio: legally blind, mild hearing loss, other chronic health issues, disability rights activist, humanities nerd, INFJ-T/E4w5/possible HSP/melancholic(primary)-choleric(secondary)-phlegmatic(tertiary), rosy yet thorny, optimistic realist, pragmatic, jaded, mislabeled misanthrope, eccentric, deep, dignified, strong morals, generally serious, old soul, Christian, center-left, independent, opinionated, “b*llsy”, intense, feminist, no-nonsense, a bit subversive, Classicist/Latinist, heteroromantic/Gray Ace/demi/sapio, Alpha, Not your inspiration/good deed/f*tish.

Looking for someone who:

Is25-49, is a gentleman, shares similar intelligence, values, personality and/or interests, preferably blind or otherwise disabled, if non-disabled, not ableist. Near or far.

Bio: legally blind, mild hearing loss, other chronic health issues, disability rights activist, humanities nerd, INFJ-T/E4w5/possible HSP/melancholic(primary)-choleric(secondary)-phlegmatic(tertiary), rosy yet thorny, optimistic realist, pragmatic, jaded, mislabeled misanthrope, eccentric, deep, dignified, strong morals, generally serious, old soul, Christian, center-left, independent, opinionated, “b*llsy”, intense, feminist, no-nonsense, a bit subversive, Classicist/Latinist, heteroromantic/Gray Ace/demi/sapio, Alpha, Not your inspiration/good deed/f*tish.

Looking for someone who:

Is25-49, is a gentleman, shares similar intelligence, values, personality and/or interests, preferably blind or otherwise disabled, if non-disabled, not ableist. Near or far.

Bio: legally blind, mild hearing loss, other chronic health issues, disability rights activist, humanities nerd, INFJ-T/E4w5/possible HSP/melancholic(primary)-choleric(secondary)-phlegmatic(tertiary), rosy yet thorny, optimistic realist, pragmatic, jaded, mislabeled misanthrope, eccentric, deep, dignified, strong morals, generally serious, old soul, Christian, center-left, independent, opinionated, “b*llsy”, intense, feminist, no-nonsense, a bit subversive, Classicist/Latinist, heteroromantic/Gray Ace/demi/sapio, Alpha, Not your inspiration/good deed/f*tish.

Looking for someone who:
is a gentleman, shares similar values, personality and/or interests, preferably blind or otherwise disabled, if non-disabled, not ableist. Near or far.