u/Better-Humor7422

I grieve the mother I wish I had.

My best friend is going through a breakup right now with a boy who didn't always treat her right. I am the witness of her and her family offering her unconditional love and support. My friend got an abortion with this boyfriend, and her mother was not angry and disappointed in her. Her grandma said she had 6 abortion in her life and not to fret and her aunt visited her at the hospital with flowers and not one of them made her feel guilty. They made her laugh. They loved her through her expereince.

What a beautiful thing to have a community of women who see you and protect you. I am happy for her AND also grieve what I will never have.

I had an abortion 6 years ago with a toxic ex, I told my mother about it months after it happened, despite knowing I shouldnt have. I told her on the phone and she went dead silent and said she had to go. She expressed how complicated angry and disappointed it made her feel.

Isnt it worse to have the baby of a man who wasn't good to me? I dont get it. When maybe moments I needed my mother to see ME and love me despite her feelings she could never quite do it.

When I was 19 I moved back home because I was broke, and I developed severe health issues I needed time to sort out. My mother was kind to let me come back. I was previously modeling in NYC. But when I moved home, she made it clear that I was a disappointment. That my life decisions are not what she wanted for me. That I needed to go to college to get a 9-5 and live like everyone else. Which is hilarious because my mother did NOT prepare me for the real world. She didnt care about my education.

Anyway, During this period I met a boy, and we dated for about a year. This boy wasn't someone she liked for me, and maybe he wasn't right for me. Maybe she was right, but instead of allowing me to figure it out and have my mother to fall back to and hold me. She kicked me out, threw all my things ont he front lawn and told me to go live with my boyfriend. She said I chose him over her. Anytime she didnt agree with my choices, she often used it against me. During that time I moved in with his family during covid and was left isolated and alone. My mother cut contact with me for a year. My vulerablitlies never had a safe place to land.

Im watching my friend who is with a boy who has made some bad decisions, my friend got brave and told her family. They are loving her through it, telling her to choose/love herself. But even if she stayed with him, her family would treat him nicely because they know they have to keep her close. They never throw her away.

Even last year, my mother cut me off for 8 months because my partner (different one than before) and I got married. We'd known each other for 1.5 years at that point. We simply fell in love and tied the knot.There was no wedding, I dont have traditional values. I dont believe marriage is proof that my relationship is valid. To me a lot ofweddings feel performative. I didn't want to live with my husband yet, the first years of marriage we lived apart because I wanted to live in my own girl room before we moved in together long term. I value my independence and trust my own internal compass. My partner and I respected this. My mother projected her opinons on me and said that my relationship was fake because didnt live together yet.

I love my partner, he treats me so incredibly well. I feel valued and so lucky to be so loved. After I annoucned we were tyingt he knot. My mother cut me off because I didn't include her on the "wedding" we never had. Granted they had not met yet, and I could have introducted the idea of us getting married better. I can admit my faults. We also got married legally quicker than we would have because hes not american. Hes from another country. We offered to speak to her, to alleviate any concerns. she thought he was using me. she refused to meet or speak to him.Not to mention she went to my siblings and spoke poorly about me, my mother poisioned the introduction of my lover to my family. Now their meeting will be tinted with judgement and drama. Telling them all my business and spoke about my partner like he was some strange man from a strange land rather than a man who lives in a different country than us. Hes a human I felll in love with. As if I had wronged her.. PLent of people meet someone fall in lvoe and get married quickly, shouldnt she be happy I met someone so good? That im loved loudly? Proudly?

She always wanted me to be this normal girl. College, regular job, house, husband, kids. I dont want that. I want a life of freedom, travel, creativity exploration independence and adventure. I want to be a creator. Why is the wayI am not enough?

My husband really struggles with his sleep. I want to help him with this as it’s really harmed his ability to function well in the world.
He’s struggled with it for years, of course he’s gone to the doctors and gotten blood work done but he seems to be in great health
He goes to PT for his herniated L5-S1.
He used to take sleeping pills but they don’t work. And for a period he even became dependent on indica pen to help him relax enough to sleep. But we flew back to China and it’s illegal here to he quit.

His HRV is always very low, around 30. Not sure if this is important. Sometimes in the night probably 2-3 times a week he is tossing and turning. Very disturbed, as if he cannot get his mind to rest or town turn off.
He went through probably 2-3 years where every morning he would wake up very stiff (from his back) and he felt very low energy. I assume his cortisol for the morning didn’t spike like it should? I always wake up ready to jump out of bed and get the day started.i need movement in the morning. But he’s not the same, it seems he is stagnant in the morning. And it used to take him several hours to fully awaken and still his energy didn’t raise and he couldn’t focus.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has insight on this. It would be a wonder to help get him answers. I’m sure it’s very stressful not to be able to live life fully because something is wrong with sleep.

I kind of wanna start this out with some childhood background, I know a lot of my issues with socializing, stems from the lack of community, stability, repetition, and group settings growing up.

My family and I moved every two years since I was in preschool up until I moved out at 17. I never watched my parents, maintain friendships long term, never really saw my mother have her own friends though i know she longed for it. From middle school until high school we got involved in a very religious community, so there were a lot of politics that my mother had succumb to, she constantly scrutinized & compared me to other girls in the community that she thought were more ideal than myself.

I do think that I internalize this to this day, and I find myself sometimes comparing who I am to other people, especially in group settings when I feel like I’m not measuring up as much as I hope I would. Or at least this is how i perceive it.

All in all this is to say that I really didn’t have much exposure to consistent group settings, and so I really don’t know how to handle myself, or build community. I’ve been trying to read books. Study human behavior. I’m a very bright girl, I’m trendy, attractive, kind, I smile a lot, sensitive, I’m a great listener. And I do speak my mind. I’m not insecure, but. I do feel like I’m not getting something everyone else seems to get.

For example, last night I was invited to a party by myself and there was probably 15 strangers there and one friend who is very social, and I walked up to this table and I nervously said hello and shook everybody’s hand, but then I didn’t feel like I knew how to move forward from that moment, but then I noticed that my friend who is very social and good with people she walked up to the table, grabbed herself a chair and started talking to the girl to her left, and I was just speaking to myself. Why didn’t I do that and I just started wondering what’s wrong with me or what am I missing?

Do these kind of situations just take repetition and practice or is this just my personality? I want to be more open and I’m really working on building a community which is something I never had so it scares me under intimidating, but I realize that it’s very beneficial and something that I definitely need