u/BoneYardBirdy

For context, I am an AuDHD aroace woman. I have never dated.

I understand the desire for romance and am sad at times that I lack the wiring for it.

That being said, I watch the relationships of allos around me sometimes, and all I can think is, "There's no way the dick/kitty is that good."

I am genuinely confused by what people will put up with from a romantic and/or sexual partner or someone they want to be a romantic and/or sexual partner. They tolerate behaviour that they would NEVER tolerate from anyone else, or worse yet, they *excuse it*.

The blissful ignorance of red flags the size of the Pacific Ocean is absolutely baffling to me. How does romantic/sexual attraction cloud your judgment that much?

An abusive relationship I can comprehend, that's months or years of groundwork and manipulation. That I get.

I'm talking about just generally shitty partners.

To be clear, I'm not judging exactly. Okay, I am a little, but mostly, I'm just very perplexed.

Does anyone else just watch on and think, "Wtf?"

Why is white noise the go-to for every noise cancelling thing? Why!?

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I HATE white noise it's like my eardrums are being skewered.

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Planes are hell, AC is awful, fans suck.

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Everyone fucking loves it so I mention I had trouble sleeping and I get to hear yet another sales pitch about white noise.

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Oh cool, let's block out annoying sounds with an even more annoying sound that we've shoved into our ears.

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I WANT SILENCE.

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I just spent all day in an industrial kitchen with hood vents that are louder than hell. The last thing I want is more fucking background noise.

To start, I actually have a lovely landlord. He prices extremely reasonably, maintains the properties well, and refuses to charge pet rent or restrict what people can have. He refuses to be the reason someone has to give up a pet just to get housing. He even knows about my snakes and still won't add restrictions despite being terrified of them.

Seriously, I sent him an email at 11pm on a Saturday night to let him know about something with the water heater and he had someone there the next morning. I didn't even expect him to see it until Monday, I just wanted to email him before I forgot.

All of that being said, I have no logical reason to believe he would want me out. I pay on time every month, I'm quiet, my unit is clean, it doesn't stink, and all outside maintenance is his responsibility anyway.

But for some reason, when even the smallest thing goes wrong I become convinced he's not going to renew my lease.

My garage is very messy right now, I had a lot of health problems and was heavily burnt out for over 2 years. I hate when people see the inside of it. I'm getting to a point where I'll be able to clean it, but until then I freak out on the inside every time I open my garage door. Just now the landlord's handyman, also a lovely human, happened to be next to my garage door when I returned from errands. He of course saw the inside and I'm mortified.

Now I can't help but spiral, especially since this is renewal month. Until my new lease hits my portal I won't be able to relax.

I logically know everything is fine, but anxiety is anxiety and she doesnt care about logic.

The cap says sae 5w-30 but every tutorial I've found uses 20. Some comments mentioned Ford changing their recommendations to reduce oil consumption so now I don't know which it's supposed to be.

Which is actually better for the car? I love this car, I want it to last a long time. I'm planning to shell out for full synthetic high mileage already, I don't want to buy 6qts of the wrong oil because Ford gave less than accurate recommendations.

My pet snake has an insanely rare cancer. It's so rare that I am refraining from naming it here for the sake of keeping my profile and IRL separate.

To be clear, I love him dearly and am devastated by the diagnosis. I am also a massive biology nerd with a love for medical science. I admit, I was every bit as much in awe of his x-rays as my vet and his colleagues were.

This is a once in a lifetime diagnosis, and they will likely never see another living specimen in person. I fully understand and endorse their fascination and scientific awe.

I could tell they were trying so hard not to completely lose their minds in front of me, and I definitely appreciate it. I also want them to have the opportunity to study and document without feeling the need to treat me like a live hand grenade.

I'm losing my little friend, and right now, my only consolations are that he got to have 2 years of a good home (he's a very old rescue) and can contribute to research in reptilian cancer.

How can I help them relax and actually be able to study and absorb the data without feeling the need to constantly walk on eggshells?

NOTE: I do a lot of rescue and have worked with these vets for years. They are wonderful people, and I trust them implicitly. They have already offered to pay for all imaging and palliative care.

It took me way longer than I like to think about to realize how toxic my father is.

I love him, I do. He loves me, I know he does. He has proven it.

But that makes it so complicated. Everytime I get fed up and just want to scream I remember finding out he spent dozens of hours recording himself reading our favorite books when I was little because we thought he was going to lose his voice to COPD.

It's hard to remember things like that and force myself to remember that he also is the same guy that gave me the silent treatment for three weeks because I wouldn't apologise for not dropping everything to help them move over an hour away. I work 60+ hours a week and live alone. I have multiple rescue animals. I have a full plate constantly. I told him that unless he gave me a solid moving date in advance, I could not help them.

He also got pissy that when he tried to guilt trip me with how sick mom was because of the heatwave during said move I reminded him of what I said and also told him I ended up being sent home with heat sickness that day because I was shitting my brains out. (I work in kitchens and it was 150⁰F in there)

He does that a lot. Tries to guilt trip and then gets pissy when it doesn't work.

Mom is never in on his nonsense to be clear.

My favorite thing is him complaining that we never talk but never picking up the phone and texting me himself. He always goes through mom for some reason.

I have repeatedly told him how much I hate talking politics with people. In this case it isn't a partisan issue. I have anxiety. Bad anxiety, especially around volatile topics. Talks about politics or any subject where someone might fly into a rage make me physically ill with fear.

I have told him this. Repeatedly.

Does it stop him? No. Instead he tries to tell me no one likes being disagreed with like it's a gotcha.

I'm low contact with him rn mostly because I needed the space to process just how toxic the dynamic is. The other edge of that is that I am severely ADHD and have the working memory of a toddler.

If he goes long enough between incidents I seriously start to doubt my sanity. My best friend has been a godsend since her memory actually works. She's often the one giving me sanity checks that I desperately need.

Another wonderful thing that has helped is my mentor. The man is like a father to me in all of the ways my actual one dropped the ball. I full on cried on my birthday because mentor surprised me with my favorite cake while my dad "forgot" that we go to eat for birthday.

We have been going to the same restaurant every year for 12 years. This year, mom didn't think to remind him because he's a grown ass man. Nope.

I literally don't ask for anything for my birthday. I don't ask for presents or parties or money. All I want is a nice dinner that I didnt have to make myself. I get one steak a year. Not this year.

It seems small, and maybe it is, but it's a straw in a hay bale. He's made it clear that unless it's something he cares about too that he isn't going to listen or remember it.

Is it weird that in moments he improves it just makes me bitter? Like, I'm glad he improved but at the same time it hurts because it just proves he can and is choosing not to.

For example, I keep snakes, mostly rescues. I love them, deeply. I lost one in a very traumatic way two years ago. When I called him, crying in the vet's parking lot with her body in a box on my passenger seat, he sounded annoyed and exasperated that I cared that much.

One of my most precious rescues just got a cancer diagnosis and will die soon. In the lead up to the appointment I was a wreck and brought my rescue to my parent's house because mom wanted to see him in case I left the vet without him.

Dad found out and instead of being insensitive was actually empathetic and even offered to attend the appointment with me. He's been wonderful.

Which weirdly makes the first incident hurt worse.

IDK, I'm still in the early stages of recognising his toxicity and emotional neglect and just needed to talk. I never talked about any of this stuff before because I was worried people wouldnt like him.

Now I get that if the truth makes someone look bad... well, if it quacks like a duck.

This is just scraping the surface, if you wanted a TED talk this would be way longer.

It's so hard loving someone toxic. If he were a complete douche with no real love or redeeming qualities this would be much easier... but he has them.

I don't hate him, but I recently started asking myself "if he weren't your dad, would you have him in your life?" and the fact I keep answering no is bothering me.

I have loved snakes desperately since I was a little girl staring at Steve Irwin with wide eyed wonder.

As soon as I could, I started working in the rescue of pet snakes. Reptiles fall through the cracks of the animal welfare system constantly, and some private keepers like me will do everything they can with just their will and a checkbook.

No one understands how deeply many of us love these animals. How so many see these beings is a whole other subject, but suffice it to say it can be the stuff of nightmares.

I lost one of my babies, a ball python named Freya about two years ago. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. The latch on her door clogged with dirt and she got out, and made her way to the maintenance garage next door.

In the dead of winter. My landlord found her and called me to come get her. I raced her to the vet but she passed later that night.

As she was warming she'd spasmed and writhed and it was just so nightmarish. I could not stop crying for days.

I told a few people. My mom was understanding and helped me so much.

My dad... seemed annoyed that I seemed so distraught over a snake.

After a couple of similar reactions I became considerably more selective about who I told.

Jump to the present day.

My 20ish year old rescue ball python, Nibbles has cancer. A rare untreatable cancer. Rare enough where my vet offered to cover his palliative care if they could write a paper about him. Financially, I can relax and focus on his palliative care.

I have no idea how much longer he has. The tumor is beginning to warp his spine and may soon render him incapable of passing his waste.

It could take 3 months, it could take five years. I won't really know until it's time.

I am dreading his passing of course. I am also dreading the loneliness of grieving a pet that many say they want to kill. I have had people tell me they wanted to do unspeakable things to the pet in my arms.

I love him so much, he deserves more time being warm, and safe, and loved. The fact that when he dies basically no one around me will care is horrible.

It makes the anticipatory grief so much worse.

I already learned a long time ago that as a woman living alone, there are no rules, I can set things up however is best. Even if it's absurd.

That isn't the issue.

One of my sensory things is that I have to have a blanket on my torso or I can't sleep. At least, not beyond a three hour nap. Between a medication that keeps me running hot and bad airflow into my room from the rest of the house, I slept terribly last summer and really do not want to do that again.

I am switching my couch and my bed. Maybe permanently. It's always too hot in my room and the living room is always exactly where I like it.

I'm glad to have a solution but it's aggravating to have to have my bedroom in the living room purely because I NEED a blanket to sleep through the night.

Also the upstairs AC is loud and makes a weird noise so it can't be inside my room.

My downstairs AC is much less loud and doesn't irritate the loving god out of me and no I can't switch them. Different sized windows.

So yeah, my bedroom is about to be my new living room I guess. Ugh.