u/BuckrooBanzai

Because I (51F) am super doubtful about it. I’m a very open minded person, but my thinking is that ENM and poly are used as a way to opt out of unfulfilling relationships when divorce is emotionally or financially impossible. Also, it seems logistically very challenging. I’d love to hear your thoughts, Redditors!

ID: The text: “Day of Visibility for Nonmonogamy” where each word is in its own frame in de colors yellow, dark blue, green, pink and beige on a beige background. De date “July 15” is in a circle.

ID: the nonmonogamy flag. A flag with three horizontal stripes in the from top to bottom colors light blue, pink and white. On the pink stripe there is an upside down purple triangle.

My partner has been asking for a third person in our relationship for a while. I’ve really struggled with the idea because monogamy is what I’ve always wanted. Even so, because I love him, I was willing to try and see if it could work for us.
Now things have changed, and instead of us exploring it together, he’s talking about going solo. That has brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. I feel hurt, confused, jealous, scared, and honestly a little lost.
Part of me wonders if I was only trying to agree because I didn’t want to lose him. Another part of me feels like him going solo completely changes what we originally discussed.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you know if your feelings were telling you that this just wasn’t for you, or if it was something you could eventually work through? I love my partner, but right now my emotions are all over the place, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will be able to be with him after either.

PS, i may have some mistakes, blaime the auto correct in my phone.

I have been through a divorce last year so buckle up for a long story:

So me 31M and my ex 27F, let's call her IL (fake name so don't freak out), been together for 7 years, 2 years dating and 5 years married. We had what you can call a fairy tale wedding, a honey moon in Venice, yearly trips to see the world on our anniversary. I am not rich but I make good money enough to enjoy life with my better half, or who I thought was my better half, anyway since 2024 things started going bad between us, one because I was going through a tough patch due to losing my business partner and best friend in a car accident and both the emotional and financial burden that event generated. One would hope his life partner would be there to support him and help him pick the pieces, but IL was anything but, she was upset that I was not as active and reactive as I used to be, she wanted me to just forget and move on and take her to Switzerland that summer, Which I did eventually thinking it be a good way to heal, afterwards she started pulling out form our private time, our dinner nights, weekly movie nights and the bed became colder in time and in its place her nights out with her friends, sister and colleaguesbecame more frequent and i tried to be understanding, thinking that maybe if i make a fight or try to limit her alone time I may become controlling or Iact like my jalouse father (the reasion mom left when i was a child).

We don't have kids, we both chose not to have any due to both our work life taking all our attention and a child my complicat things now, I do want to be a Dad, have a boy and a girl, or twins, I even have the names planned, I wanted them to have her eyes and my dark hair, her smile and my hight, her beauty and my tenderness, but alas...

Anyway to make a short story long, in early last year, around Jan 2025 IL said that she is feeling trapped in this marriage and want us both to explore our options, I asked how so, she said that she feels like she got married too soon and wanted to enjoy her 20s more before being linked to only one person (to be clear we bother were not chase before marriage and we slept together while dating and I do not condamn anyone who explore their sexuality) anyhow she asked that we open the marriage, stay a couple in the eyes of the law and our families but can date other people in secret and explore more, she even suggested sharing partners (she is Bisexuality and I knew that from the start, I am straight).

I was in a state of both disbelief and pain, IL doubled down by saying that she fell out of love with me and now feels like we are more like roommates who sleep together more then full couple, and that the only part that makes her want to open the marage not full on separate is that the sex is the best she had and I am the only one that makes her body feel that way, but other then that no more emotional attachment.

I asked for time to think about it, and she respected that, but I used it to collect all the needed evidence, close any and all joint accounts, transfer my assets to my mother's name (we reconnected back in 2016 after i left home and found her and since then she been my support) and I hired a lawyer to look into all my legal affairs, especially my business. In the mean time I acted normal around her, neither accepted nor refused her proposal and gave her the freedom she asked for while collecting data on her cheating pattern, the guys and girls she know and the places she goes to.

I delivered all what I have to my lawyer, asked him to file a urgent case for divorce due to adultery, and while she was at work I changed the locks of the house (which is now in my mother's name) took all my belongings, too hers to her sisters place (her sister's husband is my drinking buddy and he let me in to put all the stuff there) and rented a small apartment downtown to live at till all the legal process is done.

To make a long story short, she was furious, she tried to counter sue, she tried to say I treated her bad and went to the police with fake medical records and all the shit show that comes after that.

In the end we got divorced with her not getting anything due to the adultery clause in the marrige ceritficate and after multiple counseling and family trying to intervene but nothing could change how I feel.

So it's been 7 months now since and I been trying to restart my love life, sold the home, bought a new one in a different city, changed my life style, met so many people, made new friends, even my cousin tried to get me with her bestie but nothing feels right, whenever I look at a girl in a romantic manner or start feeling close to one,like a switch turns in my mind and start feeling an anxiety attack thinking that I will be hurt again and she will cheat on me and that all females are gold diggers and unfaithful.

I am meeting with a therapist and he is trying to help me the best way he can. But IL left a scar that is not healing.

Sorry for my loooooooooong post here, maybe talking to strangers may help me see things from an outsider's POV, it may help or it may not but I just needed to let out my regrets.

Hi r/ExperiencedENM,

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After being active in the lifestyle for a while as a fairly experienced and happy bisexual couple, we had a situation that forced us to step away completely for a couple of years. We wanted to share the story (and what we learned) in hopes it helps others avoid similar pain. This isn't meant to scare people off ENM — most experiences are positive when done thoughtfully — but one bad actor can change everything.

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We met someone who seemed ideal: well-spoken, respectful, skilled, and the first meet went great for everyone. We thought he might even become a regular third. When life got busy with work and family, we clearly communicated that we needed time before meeting again. That's when things shifted.

What started as persistent messages quickly became pressure, unwanted nudes, constant kink suggestions, and eventually clear boundary violations (including private messaging one of us despite our explicit "no solo chats" rule). We ended contact, but he didn't accept it. New numbers, repeated attempts, and then the stalking: an unfamiliar car sitting outside our home at all hours. We reported it, but evidence was thin. The fear and sleepless nights took a heavy toll. In the end, we changed numbers and moved to protect our family.

It was a nightmare that stemmed from our own naive vetting process. We trusted too quickly after one good experience and didn't have strong enough safeguards.

Key lessons we took away (for anyone bringing in thirds or new partners):

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-Vet deeply and slowly: One great evening isn't enough. Multiple video calls, public meets, consistency checks over weeks/months, and references if possible.

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-Enforce boundaries immediately: Persistent pressure after a clear "not right now," oversharing, or rule-breaking (especially solo contact) are major red flags. Minor issues can sometimes be addressed with direct conversation; repeated disregard is a hard exit.

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-Document everything: Keep records of chats. We deleted ours assuming it was over, which hurt us later with authorities.

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-Have an exit and safety plan: Trust your gut. Install cameras if needed, be ready to block/go low/no contact, and prioritize your primary relationship above all.

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Real life comes first: Anyone who doesn't respect your schedule, family, or other priorities isn't a good fit.

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This experience was the exception, not the rule, and it ultimately made our relationship stronger. We're back in ENM now with much stricter processes (basically security-clearance level vetting), taking things very slowly, and focusing on quality over frequency.

Would love to hear your thoughts or similar experiences (or green flags that have worked well for you). How do you handle vetting potential thirds or unicorn hunters? What boundaries have saved you trouble?

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Stay safe and communicative out there. Jade and James

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TLDR: One seemingly perfect third escalated from pushy messages to stalking after we set boundaries. We had to move. Thorough vetting, strict rule enforcement, and documentation are essential in ENM

Article from Medium - well done. Below is text from the original article.

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Before You Open Your Marriage, Write Your Separation Agreement

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If you can’t have this conversation up front, you’re not taking this decision seriously.

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By Tee Kay

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There’s a lot of information out there about how to do non-monogamous relationships. There are books, blogs, podcasts. It’s a cottage industry. The advice is generally the same — talk, make sure you’re both on the same page, consent, STI awareness and safer sex, try making rules to help each other feel safe, don’t rely on the rules because feelings don’t follow rules. That advice isn’t wrong, but it’s woefully inadequate for people in long term marriages with kids entering into a space that’s almost guaranteed to end your marriage if the stats are to be believed.

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After going down this road myself, here’s the thing I have come away with that I haven’t heard anybody else say. Before you open your marriage — before you take a single irreversible step — sit down together and write your separation agreement. Sign it. Date it. Put it somewhere safe. I’m serious.

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Why this sounds extreme and why it isn’t

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We don’t have great stats on the survival rate for marriages that transition from monogamous to open, but what we do have isn’t promising. The most widely circulated number is that over 90% of marriages that make that leap end in separation. Nobody seems to be able to find a source for that stat anywhere, so I’m skeptical. But also it aligns with what I’ve seen anecdotally. It also lines up with other stats around people trying nonmonogamy and coming back and saying “no thanks.” Those stats do exist, and they’re not a whole lot better than the 90% fail rate.

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What this means, by the pure numbers, is that you’re probably not going to make it. I know that sounds harsh. You may think “but we’re strong, we love each other, we’ll be the exception.” That’s a very beautiful feeling. It’s exactly the conversation that my ex and I had. But it’s statistically improbable. The truth is that you have better odds playing Russian roulette with 5 bullets loaded in the cylinder.

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Marriage is a contract. Read it before you renegotiate it.

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When you got married, you signed a legal document. Most of us didn’t think of it that way — it was the day of the wedding, the celebration of love, the dress and the cake and the vows. But underneath all of that was a binding contract that governs how your property, your money, and your children are handled if the relationship ends. When you decide to open that marriage, you are introducing enormous new variables into a contract you probably haven’t read carefully. You need to understand what you’re actually agreeing to risk.

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Right now you’re thinking (or at least one of you is thinking) about the exciting world of nonmonogamy. You’re thinking about sex parties or getting to be with that person you’ve met recently who gives you butterflies like you haven’t felt in over a decade. Maybe you’ve come across that article that talks about having had your last first kiss. And if you’ve gotten through the shock of the initial conversation (which is its own thing and I’ll be writing about separately) you’re probably thinking “this is going better than I hoped… I’m not divorced yet!”

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But what you need to be thinking is “if I were doing something incredibly risky where I had a real chance of dying, would I make sure my will was in order?” And if you’re a responsible person, the answer should be yes. So let’s talk about what happens in a separation and divorce, because that’s the real risk you’re taking on.

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The Consequences

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Imagine a world where, despite the best of intentions, things don’t go the way you hope they will. The most statistically likely outcome is separation. What are the nuts and bolts of what that looks like, worst case scenario?

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You will not be living together anymore. Do you have the financial ability to maintain two households? Will you both be taking a drastic hit in your lifestyle? Can you afford multiple homes that can accommodate the kids for an alternating schedule of split parenting? Do not assume that you’ll be able to continue to cohabitate. Assume the worst. If it turns out better than that, great. If it doesn’t, you’ve at least thought it through.

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What will child/spousal support look like? Is one of you a significantly higher earner than the other? And if so, ask the hard question: which one of you is making the ask to open the marriage? Is the higher earner making the ask, which puts the risk more on the side of the lower earner? Is the lower earner making the ask, and failure is going to result in the higher earner being on the hook for support? What does that dynamic do to your, or your partner’s, ability to consent to this ask?

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That gets into a space that is most definitely not legal, and I’ll be writing a separate piece about the nuances of consent in this situation. But the consequences can get very legal, very fast.

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When you have to sit with those questions together, you understand in a concrete way what fucking this up might cost. For some couples, that conversation will end the ENM discussion right there — and that might be the right outcome. For others, going in clear-eyed about the downside makes the exploration more deliberate, more careful, more likely to survive.

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Do it now, while you still love each other

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These are real logistical questions, and ignoring them now doesn’t mean they’re going to go away. And they’re probably going to come back when the emotional landscape looks a lot different than it does now.

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This is the whole argument, really. Courts and lawyers get involved when people already hate each other, or at least are very, very angry with each other. By that point, the negotiation is adversarial, expensive, and emotionally brutal. The document you write in that state reflects the worst versions of both of you. The document you write now — when you’re still in love, still acting in good faith, still genuinely want what’s best for each other and for your kids — reflects the best versions. Write that one. Sign it. Put it in a drawer and hope you never need it.

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The primary objection is the same one that usually causes people to resist a pre-nup: it feels pessimistic. There’s truth to that, but if you ask a divorce lawyer their opinion on the default marriage contract, you probably won’t get many positive responses. The fact is that the outlook on opening a marriage is pessimistic. Statistically, your marriage won’t survive. If you look at the weather report and see an 80% chance of rain, then walk out the door without rain gear, you’re not being optimistic, you’re being an idiot. The stakes are high. Make the decision responsibly.

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“You don’t know someone until you divorce them.”

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It’s an old saying, but unfortunately it’s true. Nearly everyone I know who’s gone through a separation has seen a version of their ex that they never thought was possible. Financial stress, fear, wounded pride — these things bring out behaviour in people that their partners genuinely didn’t know was there. Writing an agreement now, in good faith, protects you both from the version of your partner (and yourself) that might show up later under pressure.

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Harsh truth: I made assumptions about how things might end based on who I thought my ex was, and things we discussed during the process. Those things weren’t written down, and my assumptions turned out to be wrong. Now they’re biting me in the ass, and I can’t push back because I have little to no record, and what is there isn’t relevant to the court.

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Closing

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I’m not telling you not to open your marriage. It works for some people. And even for those who it doesn’t end up working for, ending the marriage is often legitimately the right choice. What I’m telling you is to go in knowing what you’re risking. The conversation you’re willing to have now, while everything is good, is the best indicator of whether you’re actually ready for what comes next

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Mid-30s, married, kids, the whole picture. By most definitions, a totally normal and happy life. My wife and I have been together a long time and genuinely love what we have.

Over the last few years I've come to realize that what drives me, and honestly her too, is compersion. The joy of seeing your partner experience joy, pleasure, attraction. We've talked about it openly, we roleplay around it a lot, and it's been a really connected, fun part of our relationship. Right now we're genuinely happy where we are.

But the conversation keeps coming back. We've both acknowledged we'd be open to exploring further: soft swinging, attending a club together, some lighter hotwifing or online stuff, in theory. In fantasy and roleplay, that list goes even further, not really the soft stuff. The wall we keep running into isn't desire or communication. It's fear. Fear that crossing from fantasy into reality is the kind of thing you can't undo if it goes wrong. That fear feels totally rational to me.

And then there's faith. I'm a Christian. I've prayed genuinely, asking for peace with monogamy, for the desire to just go away. And yet here I am. The drive doesn't leave. My wife's doesn't either.

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I'm just curious: are there other Christian couples who've sat in this exact tension? People who took the leap into ENM and/or its subsets like hotwifing, enm, swinging and the like, and are willing to share honestly how it went, and how you've worked it out (or not) with your faith? How do you hold both things at once?

I know this is a niche Venn diagram. But I suspect I'm not alone.

I am just plain sad. I am angry. I am heartbroken. I am all of these things wrapped up in one anxiety wrapped package. I could have gone the rest of my life single, I would have been just fine with that. Instead I met an amazing human, I love them very much, they are everything I could have ever wanted in a partner. Everything I didn't even know I was looking for. As I said, I was perfectly content being single. They wanted to explore poly, I was on the fence about poly because I felt it no longer suited my needs. A string of relationships gone bad, people not prioritizing me in ANY capacity, the cruelty, the mental gymnastics it takes to be ok with the person you love loving someone else/having sex with someone else, and me simply not wanting to deal with people and their bullshit any longer, I had decided to kind of step away for a bit. On this long break, I was getting my own head on straight, prioritizing *myself*, and learning to navigate my own life on easier mode. It was pretty nice. It was simple.

Then I met my partner. I knew they wanted to explore and I was truly ok with that at the beginning. However , I never thought I would be in so far over my head with someone that I couldn't accept them doing whatever they wanted to. I am suddenly anxious, I am suddenly possessive, I am suddenly not ok with the thought of ever sharing my partner. It is BREAKING me knowing that I am not enough for them. That I will never be enough.

How can someone claim they are blissfully happy and satisfied with me and yet still want to go out and bang other people? Love other people? Am I not do enough? Why am I not enough?

I want to break it off, I have asked to break it off, they are convincing me to stay, saying that I don't know what the future holds. Maybe they will hate it, they say. Yeah, well, maybe they won't. In fact, I'd bet on them loving it because it gives them new people to meet, new people to bang, people that are younger, less broken, and definitely nicer than me. How is that not appealing? So, all this is going to do is kick this shit filled can down the road even further . Entangling our lives even further, making it even more difficult to pull apart when the time comes where I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the depression, the self loathing, the resentment. I can't be excited about my person loving someone else, sharing intimacy with someone else, telling someone else they are amazing, going places and sharing experiences with someone else. I don't want to be excited about someone taking time away from me. I don't want to be excited about any of it.

For once in my life I seriously wish I was enough.

I know how this will end.

And I am the effing idiot in this whole rotten story because I'm not choosing myself. I'm choosing the happiness of someone else over my own better judgement yet again. A shitty pattern that I can't seem to escape no matter how much therapy I have.

I just wish I was enough for one damn person out there.

I’m sorry for the super long post I’m new to the lifestyle (and to Reddit) and just looking for advice from people with experience.

My husband and I sort of stumbled into our first (and possibly second) experience and I’m just trying to make sense of some lifestyle stuff. We are a very basic suburban couple and not at all a predictable “lifestyle”couple. Things had gotten kind of predictable and bland in the bedroom and we talked about options to spice things up for a while before we eventually both agreed we wanted to try an MFM threesome. I was into it for obvious reasons but to my surprise my husband said he thought it sounded hot and we both wanted me to sort of be the center of attention. 

We made a profile on Feeld and since we’re in Southern California there were like a zillion matches to sort through but we found someone I liked and that had experience and my husband talked to him on the phone and we decided to meet in person for drinks.

We were both so nervous but the guy was so effortlessly calm and confident and reassuring that it put me at ease and he was really fun and flirty with me which made me feel desired and pursued so I told my husband I wanted to keep going and we all agreed to go to our place.

I know people are going to say we needed to set specific expectations and boundaries and we did. But rather than drain all the life out of it by getting hyper specific we just agreed to check in and I had a safe word if I needed it for any reason. 

Things “started” pretty much right away and at first I was just going back and forth kissing each of them and both of them had their hands on me. For as long as I’ve been with my husband our standard procedure has been that he finishes, then I finish myself with a vibrator cause I hadn’t been able to finish any other way. But when this new guy got to the point that he was taking his hand on me I felt it building and realized I was going to finish which honestly confused me in the moment and I think I was kind of resisting it but he must have known somehow and he encouraged me to come and I had this very big and very loud orgasm and my husband was sort of shocked but things kept going. 

We did lots of stuff but by the time the actual sex started my husband was sort of struggling to get into a groove but the other guy was just very capable and handled me really differently than my husband ever had. It was very intense. More intense than any experience I’d ever had but definitely in a very good way. When it first got rough, my husband asked a couple of times if I needed my safe word and I said I didn’t. I found out afterward he asked again later on but I didn’t hear him. 

At first my husband was trying to still be involved but he seemed to not know how so he held my hand but then the guy was moving me around a lot so he sat on the bed next to us and touched himself. Then honestly it became less aware of my surroundings and I was more in a moment of connection with the new guy. At one point my husband was sitting by the bed then later he yelled that he was coming and the next time I thought to look for him he wasn’t there. I had another very big orgasm to my absolute shock and my husband came back in afterward.

When it was over we talked for a long time and my husband said it was confusing because he obviously hadn’t anticipated it would go that way and that it had been really hot but also really upsetting to see me with someone else. He didn’t know why he couldn’t “perform” in the moment. He said he hadn’t meant to finish when he did but when he did he was embarrassed and left for a minute.

We attempted to reconnect a couple of days later and neither one of us could “get going” until we started talking about what had happened a few nights prior and even then we ended up watching a video he’d taken while we touched ourselves which we both agreed was fun but confusing. 

We talked about the possibility of trying something again, but my husband is still talking about it as a threesome. I started looking around online and found a million other terms and dynamics and ended up here. If I’m in the wrong place I’m happy to post somewhere else!

I guess I’m really just asking for advice or if anyone has a similar good but complicated origin story and any suggestions for the conversation or next steps.

My wife has been listening to books involving threesomes and multiple partners, and a scene involving DP really sparked her interest in an MFM threesome. After talking to a female friend who has done multiple threesomes wife asked me if I would consider it. After a lot of discussion, and after I found the book that originally sparked her interest and listened to it myself, I realized I really want this for her as well. Honestly after listening to the book it’s my new fantasy to try and give her exactly this.

We’ve tried recreating the sensation with toys and she enjoyed it immensely ,but I honestly think she would enjoy the real experience more. I’m 100% on board, and we’ve already discussed some ground rules. Basically, while I’m okay with her drinking, I don’t want her to be overly drunk. I want her to still be able to say no if she becomes uncomfortable, and not be so impaired that she doesn’t fully know what’s going on or gives in because of the alcohol. Also if I get uncomfortable in the moment I can put a stop to it as well.

She agreed and suggested just drinking enough to lightly feel the effects. We may discuss that more because I’m still very nervous about her drinking too much.

The main hurdle she seems stuck on now is the second guy aspect. She said that’s the part she doesn’t know how she’ll get past. She has never considered being with another guy, and we’ve been together since we were both 14 now almost 20 years later. I’ve assured her that I’m okay with it, but I think this may end up being the hard stop for her if she can’t mentally work past it.

I don’t want to be pushy. I’ve just reassured her that if, in the moment, she can’t go through with it, she can back out and nobody will be upset. For now, I’m just going to let things sit and maybe bring it up again in a week or longer.

I’m mostly curious if other couples have dealt with this same issue. Is this usually a hard stop, or is there anything else I should or shouldn’t say or do?

We’ve been each other’s first and only for almost everything, so I know this is a huge step outside the comfort zone for both of us.

My spouse and I just started dipping our toes into this lifestyle. Last week, I hooked up with someone who isn’t my spouse for the first time in over 15 years. My body responded much more intensely and quickly to the novelty of this person than it does with my spouse.

I’m completely taken aback by this because I love my spouse and love sex with my spouse. But now I’m craving more of the new person nerves and energy of sex with strangers. I love my spouse so much, but I realize I stopped getting that new person energy from my spouse, and didn’t even notice it until I hooked up with this near stranger. I’m nervous now that I won’t find sex with my spouse as exciting because I’ve been reminded what that electric new person energy feels like.

I know my spouse and I can do fun new things to jazz up our sex life, and we often do already, but this new person energy truly seems impossible to manufacture without a new person.

Is this normal? Do you just accept this, and appreciate the other benefits that familiarity brings? Will my spouse and I stop craving each other and keep craving our side hookups if we continue? Maybe I’m overthinking this, but I just didn’t expect this at all. I’d love to hear others’ experiences who have also felt this way.

Earlier this year, my primary partner (NB25) moved in with me (TF22) and my family. Prior to this, we were long distance for about 2.5 years, having to travel 5 hours or more to see each other. When we visited, the sex we had was really amazing. Honestly, this has been an extremely good sexual relationship since Day One, and years later, I'm really grateful for that. I'm a really sexual person, and sex is a major way that I connect with the people I love. To me, it's just extremely focused quality time, and it's an amazing way to make the rest of the world fall away.

We have always been poly, and have had relationships with a few other people since we started dating. Naturally, there has been a healthy amount of emotionally difficult conversations around poly, but no fights or long-term issues. Recently, however, I've started feeling less secure and desired in our relationship, and I honestly don't know how to handle it.

When my partner moved in, sex started getting shorter, and would honestly sometimes feel rushed, like they were hurrying to get to an orgasm. It made me feel kinda weird, and I told my partner. They were really understanding and caring, and told me that they would make sure not to rush. But around that time, we just started having sex less and less. As time went on, it became about once a week, and it's almost always exclusively me sucking him off (one of my favorite things to do, tbh, but definitely not ALL i want to do).

I spoke to them about this, because I had been gaining a fair bit of weight around the same time, and I wanted to know what the root of it was. They told me that they've been feeling a lot less horny lately, and that they've been doing a lot of work processing some older sexual trauma. I really appreciated their honesty and I told them that I didn't ever want them to feel rushed or pressured.

On the emotional side, however, this has been extremely difficult. During the period where our sex life was starting to wind down (after the first conversation), my partner started an intense new job, and works different hours than me (we're both full time). This has meant a lot less one-on-one time, and it's been really difficult for me. We both acknowledge that they're much more solitary, and I'm more clingy. So spending less time together has been especially emotionally challenging for me.

My partner has also started seeing a couple other girls, and while I'm sure that they're not going to start having sex with these girls any time soon, it is very difficult to see them being flirty with other people, when they haven't shown that kind of excitement with me in a long time. It almost feels like our life together has become almost pragmatic and much less intensely romantic than it was 6 months ago. They seem somewhat pleased, but definitely not excited to see me after work.

I've started dating a couple people, and my primary partner recently said, "I'm glad you have somebody who can fulfill your needs sexually". And while yes, I do have sexual needs, and I do desire sex with other people, I don't fuck my primary partner to get my sexual needs fulfilled, over and done with. The main goal of sex, for me, is to feel extremely close with my partner and almost completely focused on one another. It is a central aspect of my love, and it is breaking my heart to be losing it with the person I love most. And I feel like if I told them all of my feelings about this, they would feel extremely insecure and sad about it. The conversation we already had was very difficult for them.

Last night, my partner and I had what I would call my best sexual experience in months. It was extremely sweet and hot and tender, but then right after they came, it came to a screeching halt. This was because they had work in the morning, but it just felt really saddening, especially since I haven't cum with them in quite some time.

I don't hold anything against my partner. On top of processing trauma, I'm sure this job takes a lot of the energy that they need for sexual stuff. It also makes it difficult because their schedule makes it hard to find time for emotional conversations about our relationship. But it's really hard to not see my partner expressing their attraction to me anymore, because they haven't really been feeling much sexual attraction at all. I feel like I'm grieving the best sexual relationship of my life, and I do get scared seeing them with skinny/cis girls. I love them so much and I'm insanely attracted to them.

Hoping this doesn't read as INSANELY whiny. To be clear I'm also seeing other people, but not feeling any serious connections at this time.

TL;DR - My partner's sex drive is extremely diminished, while we're also starting to date other people, and I feel weird and sad about all of it.

Hi, I would like some advice. My wife and I opened up our marriage, so far we have had a threesome with one of her girlfriends a few times, which has been great for everyone. We have agreed to solo play but I am really struggling with the idea of her being intimate with another man. I have had sex with her friend so I do feel selfish as I have got to have my fun, but struggling with the idea of her having sex with this one particular man.

She met this guy at a bar on a girls night and gave him her instagram handle, extremely good looking, she is 40, he is 23, he looks like a model, like 10 out of 10. I am very confident so that part doesn't bother me. But she has mentioned how she has never been so sexually attracted to someone before, has never had this type of sexual chemistry with someone, including me. So far it has just been sexting. Our sex life is amazing and she is very sexually attracted to me, but she hasn't ever felt this type of sexual attraction for someone else. That part I am struggling with. The idea of her being with someone that she has these desires for that she never had for me. She will not go ahead with it if I am not comfortable.

I would just appreciate everyones thoughts on this. Am I being selfish, or am I justified because of how she has presented this person to me? My thoughts on this are is it going to be so intense for her, is she going to want to just have sex with him moving forward and not me. Is she going to be so blown away by it it's going to change things. I am very confident in how I perform so I have no concerns about him "being better", my concern is what is she going to feel being with someone she is so intensly sexually attracted to. There are other guys she has talked to and while they are very attractive, I have no concerns because none of them are guys that she has never felt this sort of sexual chemistry for. What do you guys think?