u/BuckrooBanzai

I’m sorry for the super long post I’m new to the lifestyle (and to Reddit) and just looking for advice from people with experience.

My husband and I sort of stumbled into our first (and possibly second) experience and I’m just trying to make sense of some lifestyle stuff. We are a very basic suburban couple and not at all a predictable “lifestyle”couple. Things had gotten kind of predictable and bland in the bedroom and we talked about options to spice things up for a while before we eventually both agreed we wanted to try an MFM threesome. I was into it for obvious reasons but to my surprise my husband said he thought it sounded hot and we both wanted me to sort of be the center of attention. 

We made a profile on Feeld and since we’re in Southern California there were like a zillion matches to sort through but we found someone I liked and that had experience and my husband talked to him on the phone and we decided to meet in person for drinks.

We were both so nervous but the guy was so effortlessly calm and confident and reassuring that it put me at ease and he was really fun and flirty with me which made me feel desired and pursued so I told my husband I wanted to keep going and we all agreed to go to our place.

I know people are going to say we needed to set specific expectations and boundaries and we did. But rather than drain all the life out of it by getting hyper specific we just agreed to check in and I had a safe word if I needed it for any reason. 

Things “started” pretty much right away and at first I was just going back and forth kissing each of them and both of them had their hands on me. For as long as I’ve been with my husband our standard procedure has been that he finishes, then I finish myself with a vibrator cause I hadn’t been able to finish any other way. But when this new guy got to the point that he was taking his hand on me I felt it building and realized I was going to finish which honestly confused me in the moment and I think I was kind of resisting it but he must have known somehow and he encouraged me to come and I had this very big and very loud orgasm and my husband was sort of shocked but things kept going. 

We did lots of stuff but by the time the actual sex started my husband was sort of struggling to get into a groove but the other guy was just very capable and handled me really differently than my husband ever had. It was very intense. More intense than any experience I’d ever had but definitely in a very good way. When it first got rough, my husband asked a couple of times if I needed my safe word and I said I didn’t. I found out afterward he asked again later on but I didn’t hear him. 

At first my husband was trying to still be involved but he seemed to not know how so he held my hand but then the guy was moving me around a lot so he sat on the bed next to us and touched himself. Then honestly it became less aware of my surroundings and I was more in a moment of connection with the new guy. At one point my husband was sitting by the bed then later he yelled that he was coming and the next time I thought to look for him he wasn’t there. I had another very big orgasm to my absolute shock and my husband came back in afterward.

When it was over we talked for a long time and my husband said it was confusing because he obviously hadn’t anticipated it would go that way and that it had been really hot but also really upsetting to see me with someone else. He didn’t know why he couldn’t “perform” in the moment. He said he hadn’t meant to finish when he did but when he did he was embarrassed and left for a minute.

We attempted to reconnect a couple of days later and neither one of us could “get going” until we started talking about what had happened a few nights prior and even then we ended up watching a video he’d taken while we touched ourselves which we both agreed was fun but confusing. 

We talked about the possibility of trying something again, but my husband is still talking about it as a threesome. I started looking around online and found a million other terms and dynamics and ended up here. If I’m in the wrong place I’m happy to post somewhere else!

I guess I’m really just asking for advice or if anyone has a similar good but complicated origin story and any suggestions for the conversation or next steps.

My wife has been listening to books involving threesomes and multiple partners, and a scene involving DP really sparked her interest in an MFM threesome. After talking to a female friend who has done multiple threesomes wife asked me if I would consider it. After a lot of discussion, and after I found the book that originally sparked her interest and listened to it myself, I realized I really want this for her as well. Honestly after listening to the book it’s my new fantasy to try and give her exactly this.

We’ve tried recreating the sensation with toys and she enjoyed it immensely ,but I honestly think she would enjoy the real experience more. I’m 100% on board, and we’ve already discussed some ground rules. Basically, while I’m okay with her drinking, I don’t want her to be overly drunk. I want her to still be able to say no if she becomes uncomfortable, and not be so impaired that she doesn’t fully know what’s going on or gives in because of the alcohol. Also if I get uncomfortable in the moment I can put a stop to it as well.

She agreed and suggested just drinking enough to lightly feel the effects. We may discuss that more because I’m still very nervous about her drinking too much.

The main hurdle she seems stuck on now is the second guy aspect. She said that’s the part she doesn’t know how she’ll get past. She has never considered being with another guy, and we’ve been together since we were both 14 now almost 20 years later. I’ve assured her that I’m okay with it, but I think this may end up being the hard stop for her if she can’t mentally work past it.

I don’t want to be pushy. I’ve just reassured her that if, in the moment, she can’t go through with it, she can back out and nobody will be upset. For now, I’m just going to let things sit and maybe bring it up again in a week or longer.

I’m mostly curious if other couples have dealt with this same issue. Is this usually a hard stop, or is there anything else I should or shouldn’t say or do?

We’ve been each other’s first and only for almost everything, so I know this is a huge step outside the comfort zone for both of us.

My spouse and I just started dipping our toes into this lifestyle. Last week, I hooked up with someone who isn’t my spouse for the first time in over 15 years. My body responded much more intensely and quickly to the novelty of this person than it does with my spouse.

I’m completely taken aback by this because I love my spouse and love sex with my spouse. But now I’m craving more of the new person nerves and energy of sex with strangers. I love my spouse so much, but I realize I stopped getting that new person energy from my spouse, and didn’t even notice it until I hooked up with this near stranger. I’m nervous now that I won’t find sex with my spouse as exciting because I’ve been reminded what that electric new person energy feels like.

I know my spouse and I can do fun new things to jazz up our sex life, and we often do already, but this new person energy truly seems impossible to manufacture without a new person.

Is this normal? Do you just accept this, and appreciate the other benefits that familiarity brings? Will my spouse and I stop craving each other and keep craving our side hookups if we continue? Maybe I’m overthinking this, but I just didn’t expect this at all. I’d love to hear others’ experiences who have also felt this way.

Earlier this year, my primary partner (NB25) moved in with me (TF22) and my family. Prior to this, we were long distance for about 2.5 years, having to travel 5 hours or more to see each other. When we visited, the sex we had was really amazing. Honestly, this has been an extremely good sexual relationship since Day One, and years later, I'm really grateful for that. I'm a really sexual person, and sex is a major way that I connect with the people I love. To me, it's just extremely focused quality time, and it's an amazing way to make the rest of the world fall away.

We have always been poly, and have had relationships with a few other people since we started dating. Naturally, there has been a healthy amount of emotionally difficult conversations around poly, but no fights or long-term issues. Recently, however, I've started feeling less secure and desired in our relationship, and I honestly don't know how to handle it.

When my partner moved in, sex started getting shorter, and would honestly sometimes feel rushed, like they were hurrying to get to an orgasm. It made me feel kinda weird, and I told my partner. They were really understanding and caring, and told me that they would make sure not to rush. But around that time, we just started having sex less and less. As time went on, it became about once a week, and it's almost always exclusively me sucking him off (one of my favorite things to do, tbh, but definitely not ALL i want to do).

I spoke to them about this, because I had been gaining a fair bit of weight around the same time, and I wanted to know what the root of it was. They told me that they've been feeling a lot less horny lately, and that they've been doing a lot of work processing some older sexual trauma. I really appreciated their honesty and I told them that I didn't ever want them to feel rushed or pressured.

On the emotional side, however, this has been extremely difficult. During the period where our sex life was starting to wind down (after the first conversation), my partner started an intense new job, and works different hours than me (we're both full time). This has meant a lot less one-on-one time, and it's been really difficult for me. We both acknowledge that they're much more solitary, and I'm more clingy. So spending less time together has been especially emotionally challenging for me.

My partner has also started seeing a couple other girls, and while I'm sure that they're not going to start having sex with these girls any time soon, it is very difficult to see them being flirty with other people, when they haven't shown that kind of excitement with me in a long time. It almost feels like our life together has become almost pragmatic and much less intensely romantic than it was 6 months ago. They seem somewhat pleased, but definitely not excited to see me after work.

I've started dating a couple people, and my primary partner recently said, "I'm glad you have somebody who can fulfill your needs sexually". And while yes, I do have sexual needs, and I do desire sex with other people, I don't fuck my primary partner to get my sexual needs fulfilled, over and done with. The main goal of sex, for me, is to feel extremely close with my partner and almost completely focused on one another. It is a central aspect of my love, and it is breaking my heart to be losing it with the person I love most. And I feel like if I told them all of my feelings about this, they would feel extremely insecure and sad about it. The conversation we already had was very difficult for them.

Last night, my partner and I had what I would call my best sexual experience in months. It was extremely sweet and hot and tender, but then right after they came, it came to a screeching halt. This was because they had work in the morning, but it just felt really saddening, especially since I haven't cum with them in quite some time.

I don't hold anything against my partner. On top of processing trauma, I'm sure this job takes a lot of the energy that they need for sexual stuff. It also makes it difficult because their schedule makes it hard to find time for emotional conversations about our relationship. But it's really hard to not see my partner expressing their attraction to me anymore, because they haven't really been feeling much sexual attraction at all. I feel like I'm grieving the best sexual relationship of my life, and I do get scared seeing them with skinny/cis girls. I love them so much and I'm insanely attracted to them.

Hoping this doesn't read as INSANELY whiny. To be clear I'm also seeing other people, but not feeling any serious connections at this time.

TL;DR - My partner's sex drive is extremely diminished, while we're also starting to date other people, and I feel weird and sad about all of it.