u/Fun_Magazine2035

dont mind me im just venting. im a sapphic girl. although bisexual, im only sexually attracted to men. i am romantically and sexually attracted to women. when i tend to develop feelings for a woman, they are unintentionally very intense (limerence). and honestly, i'd pick that over dating apps or deliberately going into queer spaces to find someone. because i genuinely cannot force feelings from an intentional meet up.

not to mention, i only seem to develop intense feelings for older women. (don't tell me to take therapy or that i have some mommy issues please for the love of god i HATE this about me) this makes my life harder, and statistically speaking? there are already more straight women than sapphic. AND the age factor. AND that i live in a less progressive country. (it isnt that bad, its legal but still, social taboo is there. and no marriage or adoption laws for us either)

i am positive that i will never really find someone who feels the same for me. i just want my feelings to STOP. and i know that my pattern of crushes is quite literally inevitable because my first ever intense crush happened when i was 6, and ive only mostly liked older women/teacher figures eversince. i didnt even have any issues going on then. i just want to stop, i kind of wish i was aromantic, no offense.

i have developed a somewhat fascination for this character. yes i know she's evil, self righteous, a fanatic and the list goes on. most of her actions cannot be justified and i'm not endorsing them.

but do you ever wonder why she is like this? i know that many of you, have met people like her in your lives but have they genuinely been this level of psychopathic? i don't think that this is that common. i've seen my fair share of middle aged people that are self righteous, hypocritically devoted to their religion and judgemental. but the extents she goes is not very common. kills a dog that barks at her, does not even FLINCH on seeing the dead body of joe collins, even when she did not even have context. this is not normal behavior.

i have seen some people speculate that she had a small crush on father paul, and while we may never really know the answer, i highly doubt it. she does not like anyone enough to feel romantic for them. she does not connect with people, she only uses them to get her way. i have noticed that she is only nice to people that are of convenience to her, does not maintain any closeness and the scariest part of it all is that we never get to hear her internal monologue or anything close to it. father paul, though good willed made his own share of mistakes but we were able to tell that he was good at heart due to him confessing several times. riley and erin talked about their struggles and trauma. even joe collins had his moments and a character arc.

bev? she is opaque entirely. she feels no need to connect, to confess or to genuinely love (in any form). even on the burning island, it is one thing to be terrified of death, and the other to isolate yourselves in such a terrific time. not to say that that specific action is what makes her a bad person, but it is so unsettling to me that she GENUINELY did not care about anyone but her own survival. at the end time she quite literally had nobody to turn to. or actually ever. why was she so distant?

joe and annie at different times mention that she has never been a good person. not even when she was young. but why? she believes that god should love her more than the rest, but why does that matter to her this much? who hurt her, truly. (i do think that she definitely had at least SOME personality disorder) we see how selfish she is, how she wants to be right, to be powerful and to be loved by god more than anyone else but we never see any... more humanistic parts of her. no desire to communicate, no desire for even materials. this woman genuinely cared about NOTHING. why?

all of that being said, there is something else i find fascinating too. it is shown that she took extensive care of old monsignor pruitt and for some reason even had the keys to his house. it does not read as endearing to me in any way, because she proceeded to do the same when father paul, the "new" preist came into picture. not to mention that there is a good possibility she even poisoned him eventually yet still kept that act. implying that she never really cared for either of them, it was just the closest she thought she could be to god. yet on face she treated him, in my eyes, not as someone you see as an equal, but almost, like a mother. when she found father paul sitting in the corner after killing joe collins, she just went over the corpse and picked father paul up and comforted him. not once did she question. not once did she express surprise, disbelief or quite literally anything. directly helped him pick himself up.

that, and the scene where she wants to decide who gets shelter before sunrise and when father paul expresses his resentment to the whole thing, her truer colours come out. she no longer sees him as the ultimate verdict. she wants to imitate god, she wants to imitate the absolute power a human can get. as she has been meaning to, all along. somewhere deep down, i wonder if the patriarchal structure of the church is what made her so bitter. made her feel that she had to "earn" her way to god's preference by being as good as, if not better than a man who seems to get what she wants, "by default". this would never justify or explain why she did, so many other things that were straight up evil. but it just makes you wonder, is that why she is the way she is? did it really rub her the wrong way, a long time ago? without her realizing?

i have an improvement exam in 4 days. i got 34 before. need 55 for 75% in pcm (dropper). i havent revised in a while, 12th grade syllabus and i know this is very last moment but im currently sick right now.

im planning to do ncert back exercise and arihant all in one questions for the next 2 days, and then other 2 days im planning to revise by solving full length previous papers. is that alright? not reading theory anymore

i have an improvement exam in 4 days. i got 34 before. need 55 for 75% in pcm (dropper). i havent revised in a while, 12th grade syllabus and i know this is very last moment but im currently sick right now.

im planning to do ncert back exercise and arihant all in one questions for the next 2 days, and then other 2 days im planning to revise by solving full length previous papers. is that alright? not reading theory anymore

i have an improvement exam in 4 days. i got 34 before. need 55 for 75% in pcm (dropper). i havent revised in a while, 12th grade syllabus and i know this is very last moment but im currently sick right now.

im planning to do ncert back exercise and arihant all in one questions for the next 2 days, and then other 2 days im planning to revise by solving full length previous papers. is that alright? not reading theory anymore

i wonder what will happen to leeza and warren. they're on a small canoe, and i'm assuming not many supplies. i wonder how they'll make it to the mainland. and when/if they do, how will they even tell the people there where they're from?? i know there's no sequel, nor do i want one, but yeah lmfao i sure am very nosy about them.

also, they witnessed something utterly traumatic. even if they had the money or resources, i doubt you can even explain all of this to a therapist without sounding crazy.. good luck to them i suppose.

is there any detail that i missed out on, that tells us their future plans if any?

after being into manifestation->law of attraction->law of assumption for too many years, ive come to realize that none of this is real and identify as a physicalist/atheist.

however, i've always since childhood had obsessive thoughts about death. i haven't consulted with a psychiatrist yet due to living under a family that wouldn't let me, but there is a good chance that i have OCD. i've done tons of mental rituals to "prevent" my own, or a family member's "death" and still am guilty of doing so.

the concept of manifestation and specifically law of assumption has made it worse. it had me believing that everything i thought of could be true if i "thought of it in a certain way", as many of them say.. WHAT certain way? how do i know till what extent i am safe from own thoughts becoming the reason of someone's death? "oh it doesn't work like that, intrusive thoughts don't manifest. things only manifest when you adopt the identity of the person who gets it"

DOESNT make sense. i accidentally think of death. now i get obsessive about the possibility of it. like its a really bad thing with me. "what if i don't wake up tomorrow??" then a voice in me would say "DONT THINK LIKE THAT you might actually die!!" genuinely, WHAT AN EPISODE.

to this day, i'm still more scared than ever to even consider the possibility of death? what if me saying, thinking or giving the concept any sort of attention manifests? of course it wouldnt logically, but the "what if" in my brain is louder than it has ever been because of this.

https://preview.redd.it/dovxpup75xdh1.png?width=801&format=png&auto=webp&s=ee7608bad7d3dce118d4c5c8cef670ae0d66a92a

we started arguing a little bit, because i pointed that gender struggles werent the competition that he seemed to pose. but not once did i say anything derogatory towards him or even men. i kept giving arguments and this is all he could really do.

Far from the days that i would dream of 

Reside the sorrows of blossoming. / 

I'm a woman unfree of hypocrisy

That begs light to shine in her way

But heaven forbid she opens her eyelids

For she cannot dare to look in the eye of the very thing that may break her curse. /

Her curse is inborn and resilient 

It fights all the will she may carry in her bones

All the will that it would take to swing 

To swing herself to the other side of this chasm

This chasm that holds bodies 

Bodies of the mocked,

Bodies of the peasants the peasants that she refuses to associate herself with. /

God helps those who help themselves 

Must He be patrolling elsewhere 

When she was holding everything that she could

And must he be lost in the glorious hymns of his ill-witted cupids

When she sent out to him, her last cry.

Now in her place is a bloody mush of regret

Rebuked by the unfortunate that lay their eyes

The sight was not pretty but neither were her eyes

And that is, to her own horror but to nobody's surprise. /  

A woman for whom God is delusion 

How in Him she shall never find peace

Yet to die a death of lesser pain she chooses an unreasonable fantasy

In it, dissociates, me,

A woman unfree of hypocrisy.

Far from the days that i would dream of 

Reside the sorrows of blossoming. / 

I'm a woman unfree of hypocrisy

That begs light to shine in her way

But heaven forbid she opens her eyelids

For she cannot dare to look in the eye of the very thing that may break her curse. /

Her curse is inborn and resilient 

It fights all the will she may carry in her bones

All the will that it would take to swing 

To swing herself to the other side of this chasm

This chasm that holds bodies 

Bodies of the mocked,

Bodies of the peasants the peasants that she refuses to associate herself with. /

God helps those who help themselves 

Must He be patrolling elsewhere 

When she was holding everything that she could

And must he be lost in the glorious hymns of his ill-witted cupids

When she sent out to him, her last cry.

Now in her place is a bloody mush of regret

Rebuked by the unfortunate that lay their eyes

The sight was not pretty but neither were her eyes

And that is, to her own horror but to nobody's surprise. /  

A woman for whom God is delusion 

How in Him she shall never find peace

Yet to die a death of lesser pain she chooses an unreasonable fantasy

In it, dissociates, me,

A woman unfree of hypocrisy.

Far from the days that i would dream of 

Reside the sorrows of blossoming. / 

I'm a woman unfree of hypocrisy

That begs light to shine in her way

But heaven forbid she opens her eyelids

For she cannot dare to look in the eye of the very thing that may break her curse. /

Her curse is inborn and resilient 

It fights all the will she may carry in her bones

All the will that it would take to swing 

To swing herself to the other side of this chasm

This chasm that holds bodies 

Bodies of the mocked,

Bodies of the peasants the peasants that she refuses to associate herself with. /

God helps those who help themselves 

Must He be patrolling elsewhere 

When she was holding everything that she could

And must he be lost in the glorious hymns of his ill-witted cupids

When she sent out to him, her last cry.

Now in her place is a bloody mush of regret

Rebuked by the unfortunate that lay their eyes

The sight was not pretty but neither were her eyes

And that is, to her own horror but to nobody's surprise. /  

A woman for whom God is delusion 

How in Him she shall never find peace

Yet to die a death of lesser pain she chooses an unreasonable fantasy

In it, dissociates, me,

A woman unfree of hypocrisy.

Far from the days that i would dream of 

Reside the sorrows of blossoming. / 

I'm a woman unfree of hypocrisy

That begs light to shine in her way

But heaven forbid she opens her eyelids

For she cannot dare to look in the eye of the very thing that may break her curse. /

Her curse is inborn and resilient 

It fights all the will she may carry in her bones

All the will that it would take to swing 

To swing herself to the other side of this chasm

This chasm that holds bodies 

Bodies of the mocked,

Bodies of the peasants the peasants that she refuses to associate herself with. /

God helps those who help themselves 

Must He be patrolling elsewhere 

When she was holding everything that she could

And must he be lost in the glorious hymns of his ill-witted cupids

When she sent out to him, her last cry.

Now in her place is a bloody mush of regret

Rebuked by the unfortunate that lay their eyes

The sight was not pretty but neither were her eyes

And that is, to her own horror but to nobody's surprise. /  

A woman for whom God is delusion 

How in Him she shall never find peace

Yet to die a death of lesser pain she chooses an unreasonable fantasy

In it, dissociates, me,

A woman unfree of hypocrisy.

Far from the days that i would dream of 

Reside the sorrows of blossoming. / 

I'm a woman unfree of hypocrisy

That begs light to shine in her way

But heaven forbid she opens her eyelids

For she cannot dare to look in the eye of the very thing that may break her curse. /

Her curse is inborn and resilient 

It fights all the will she may carry in her bones

All the will that it would take to swing 

To swing herself to the other side of this chasm

This chasm that holds bodies 

Bodies of the mocked,

Bodies of the peasants the peasants that she refuses to associate herself with. /

God helps those who help themselves 

Must He be patrolling elsewhere 

When she was holding everything that she could

And must he be lost in the glorious hymns of his ill-witted cupids

When she sent out to him, her last cry.

Now in her place is a bloody mush of regret

Rebuked by the unfortunate that lay their eyes

The sight was not pretty but neither were her eyes

And that is, to her own horror but to nobody's surprise. /  

A woman for whom God is delusion 

How in Him she shall never find peace

Yet to die a death of lesser pain she chooses an unreasonable fantasy

In it, dissociates, me,

A woman unfree of hypocrisy.

i've commented on the following:

• https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1urv89p/comment/owiyf5b/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
• https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1ursvue/comment/owixchv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

i feel so disgusting but i like 2 think this some carti shit

im a bisexual anti natalist woman, who has a preference for women. although im not fully out of the closet since im still a student that depends on my parents, ive insinuated to my mother a few times that im not really... interested in men. (i know im bisexual, but my attraction to men is REALLY low)

she pretends to unhear my plans everytime, and starts saying some bullshit about god writing my path and that she has complete faith that he'll have me end up "in a good place". which according to her, is having a husband, and my bloodborne children.

which is an absolute nightmare to me. i don't care how selfish this sounds, but i'll never have my body go through the most painful biological procedure just to bring new consciousness to suffer into this world. but her chanting the same thing again and again scares me, i know that none of this is true but it's so mind boggling. to have such andhbhakts in your own house.

excuse me if this is an overused question, but how do we feel about his abuse allegations? appreciate the art not the artist type shit or what

my "friends" forgot to invite me to the plan that was made IN FRONT OF ME bahahahaha