u/Fun_Magazine2035

17f here. I've had multiple crushes throughout my life, but most of them were on older women. My first one probably was from when I was about 6.

Yes, I have had issues with my dad from a very young age. He had anger and temperament issues, and was volatile. I still by reflex keep my guard high around him. My mom is also a little volatile, but she isn't scary to me. She had been my "favorite" parent for most of my childhood, and I would cling onto her a lot.

I think events like these made me just softer around femininity in general. Not to mention I was always, maybe because I'm a girl, admiring most of these women. But I can differentiate between admiration and romantic attraction.

Growing up, I had some crushes on those of my age but honestly not as much as teacher crushes. Most of the time the teacher crushes were far more intense too, because they were also tied up with my validation issues. I've only had one really intense crush on a boy my age, but that was in middle school and never again.

I had an infatuation for a girl a year or two ago, which wore off as soon as I felt that we weren't intellectually compatible at all. However, this mechanism doesn't work with my intense teacher crushes. No matter how much I may repulse her for her flaws at the moment, I would always come back to admiring her. I kept switching between "ugh shes so weird/we wouldn't be compatible even in a hypothetical scenario" and "but i don't care!!! ive never met a woman like her before".

Luckily I'm not crushing on anyone at the moment simply because there's no female older figure in my life right now, but I really want to start feeling the same intensity and passion for people my age. I fear that even if I somehow gain interest in a peer, it wouldn't be as intense and that all along my real interest is within ladies that are older to me. The wiser, mature seeming accompolished women. The appeal to me for that is much more than someone of my age. But I don't think this is healthy for obvious reasons, and not to mention how it lowers my chances of reciprocity in an already not so queer active country. Most women of my desired age range (currently middle aged) are probably deep in the closet too. And of course I'm not making the mistake of getting groomed and manipulated.

How do I rewire my brain?

hi, i know i can sound really limiting right now but im not at the best mindspace rn😭 ive considered leaving loass for good but i need some sense knocked into me.

like you're telling me that people have revised DEATHS, being cured from cancers, and whatnot but tell me WHY am i struggling to manifest academics so much?

here's some background context: ok yes i havent studied a lot this academic year... or the past 2. yesyes i know that's on me, ive had really bad mental health/and other issues going on for me, and its been feeling impossible to actually get myself to study. plus im going through the toughest phase of a student in this country: national level competitive exams. i suck ass clearly. but i really didnt want to take a drop year because i cant stay with my family for any longer.

ive been affirming for a certain percentage for my graduation exam, and i tried assuming all along. even though i didnt attempt much, even though it went "bad", i told myself that the circumstances didn't matter. ive been really anxious about it. a lot of exams happened in the mean time and NONE went my way. matter of fact id score lower than id have expected to even if I didn't believe in loass. and i know im "smart", so it was a little shocking.

but i held on and persisted. sure i wavered sometimes but id get my ass back on track soon. i realized i was too attached, so i tried detaching. i kept on affirming so that it'd stick with my subconscious.

but the results came back today and it was bad. matter of fact, the paper in which i thought i was already good at, also went lower than expected. im starting to really lose my belief in this, and i don't know if i should because idk.

can anyone help me out if they can and help me understand what i have done wrong? LIKE i know i can still revise my grade but with the way things have been playing out, it's going to take a LOT for me to assume that because my country doesn't really do this + im exhausted myself today (i know circumstances don't matter and stuff but like yea)

i don't care about changing this particular grade anymore, but im losing faith that things wouldn't get any better for me here on.