u/IndependenceCalm8753

Sorry if this isn’t the best place for this, but I’m not sure where else will relate to the unique core of this issue.

My husband is not great with our autistic 4yo. I can see that he tries his best, he comes to the therapies, he knows what to do but is rarely able to actually help her in practice and usually escalates things instead. On the other hand, I am very good with her. That’s not me having an ego, but I am. I’m also autistic though so I have a deeper understanding of what she’s probably going through especially when she’s melting down.

Due to this I usually have to step in. And trust me I have tried not stepping in following countless arguments with my husband about him being annoyed that I’m stepping in. But I’m not going to allow my daughter to get distressed to the point of hurting herself just to ‘give him a chance’ because at that point she needs intervention and he isn’t helping her. For what it’s worth I think he is autistic too, and a big part of this is that he struggles to cope with his own dysregulation especially when she is screaming. I wear my loops when handling my daughter’s meltdowns because she screams LOUD. I suggested he do the same, but he said he doesn’t need to.

Then add our four month old into the mix and we had a big blow up tonight. I went from calming a meltdown with my four year old which took over an hour, straight to then needing to take over with my four month old because she was screaming and he was getting frustrated, then when they were both settled dealing with him having an attitude with me because I stepped in again. He has never and would never hurt the kids but his energy is brimming with anxiety, stress and frustration which they absolutely feed off. I got pissed off that I had to do back to back regulating of not only our kids but then also him. I usually have to help him regulate after helping our autistic daughter and it’s a lot of mental energy for me.

Anyway during the argument he said that he constantly feels pushed out, like he doesn’t know what to do with our daughter, that she hates him and we’re against him and that we’d all be better off without him. I asked him very clearly whether he was planning to do anything and he said that he never would, but he just thinks we’d be better off if he wasn’t here.

I want to be clear, despite my gripes with him not being able to handle our kids with calmness and patience when they need it, he is a great dad and a very good person. He doesn’t deserve to feel like this. Our daughter also does gravitate towards me too due to the fact I am always the one helping her when she’s melting down and I understand it must be hard to feel like he can’t get through to her. The meltdowns she has are very physical, she will scream, hit, kick and throw things. She’ll try to hurt us and herself. It’s very distressing and we’re getting help for it at the moment but I do understand why he finds it so hard too.

I guess I’m just not sure what to do from here really. I can’t necessarily settle now that he has said that. He said he’ll reach out for some help tomorrow but we’re in England and can’t afford private therapy so the wait list on the NHS will be several months to years. I’m scared to leave him alone in case he really does mean it, and I want to reach out for someone but I don’t know who or how without losing his trust.

I don’t know sorry if this isn’t super relevant to other things on here, I’m just looking for some advice really. Thanks.

My 4yo has her reception teacher coming over soon prior to her starting school in September. Everyone in her class is having these home visits.

Just being nosy really, do teachers like doing these visits or is it a bit of a pain? Is it actually to meet and get to know our children in their home setting, or is it more of a veiled safeguarding situation to see if they think they need to keep an eye on particular children?

Usually I’m cracking out the citronella candles that I’m pretty sure do nothing but make us all feel better anyway, and swatting the little bastards out of my kitchen every two seconds from around July to now. But I truly haven’t seen any in my house or garden this year. Even when my perpetually sticky kids sit outside and eat sticky food, not a single one.

I’m allergic to wasps so I’m not mad about this, but I’m curious about whether other people have noticed the same thing. If so I would welcome anyone smarter than me to give their input as to why. Is it the heat?

I have a 4 month old and a 4yo who goes to nursery four days a week, starting school in September. This is my second mat leave and I feel like we’re just… at home, like all the time. Today we played on the floor, fed, she slept while I watched TV, and then we picked up my eldest. That was basically the whole day. And tbh most days of the week are like that.

Sometimes I manage to get out for a walk. I have a 30 minute loop that I know I can do, but I find getting around quite overwhelming. I’m autistic, and busy roads, public transport and unpredictable situations can be difficult for me, so I tend to stick to things I know I can manage which helps my anxiety but causes limitations. I don’t drive either, which obviously limits things further. I do try to challenge myself and do it anyway, but it’s a lot of mental energy for things that other people seem to do without a second thought.

Also I’m just really lonely. I had a lovely mum friend when I had my first child but she moved away and I haven’t found that kind of connection again since.
I see other mums out together and I feel this horrible pang of jealousy. They’re pushing their babies around together, getting coffee, chatting, going for walks, and I would love that so much but I don’t know how to get there.

I feel guilty because people seem to do so much with their babies. I haven’t done a single class or group or anything like that, again because I find it overwhelming to do alone and so I put it off. I feel like I’m watching everyone else have a fulfilling and meaningful maternity leave while I’m just trying to get through the day and anxious all the time about doing basic things. And whilst I know logically that my baby is happy and loved and cared for and that she doesn’t need me to take her to an activity every day, I still feel like I’m wasting this time somehow, and I hate that I’m spending so much of it feeling lonely and weirdly empty even though I’m loving having a baby at the same time.

This baby is as easy as they come too, so it’s not like I even have a difficult baby as an excuse ! She’ll sleep or vibe anywhere anytime. My first was the total opposite and I still managed to get out with her. I just feel stuck in a rut and don’t really know how to get out even though I try everyday. Even my self care has slipped and I look so rough most of the time I’m not even inclined to go out anyway.

Has anyone else felt this way?

My 4yo is autistic with a very internal profile. A lot of people who meet her out and about would have no idea that she’s autistic based on her interactions and social skills. I don’t believe autism has a ‘look’ anyway, but I know a lot of people do. I say this because one of our biggest battles is people who simply don’t believe that she has additional needs regardless of the diagnosis but anyway.

We were at a charity festival today and they had a live band. My child has ear defenders available at all times. She rarely chooses to use them to be honest, but the band was too loud for her and she wanted to put them on.

At one point she was doing a little craft workshop on a table with some other children and I said something to her. She didn’t respond, which is often the case whether she has her ear defenders on or not.

The parent next to me took it upon herself to say that she probably couldn’t hear me because of the ear defenders, and that she thinks ‘all these bloody fidgets and tools do kids more harm than good because we never had them growing up and we turned out fine!’

I was a little bit taken aback by the brashness because nobody has ever commented so confidently on them before. I explained that she can hear everything with them on, they just help to dampen the noise because she is autistic and can find it overwhelming.

What I wanted to say was that she should wind her own neck in and focus on her own child rather than thinking it was appropriate to comment on mine when she doesn’t know anything about her. And I would also argue that we maybe didn’t all turn out fine if she thinks that was a socially appropriate thing to say out loud 🥲

Has anyone else experienced something like this with their ND kids?

I have just bought the Tula explore baby carrier somewhat on a whim because I saw an almost new one for £50 on Vinted and I know these things retail at well over £100. I have been looking for a new carrier because my 4mo is outgrowing our beloved ergobaby embrace. I like structured carriers, never quite got the hang of wraps and ring slings with my first or second unfortunately, and I know Tula is mentioned a lot as a recommendation on this sub.

Does anyone here have the Tula explore? How do you find it? The biggest priority for me is long term wearing as I don’t drive so I use the bus a lot and prefer to use a carrier over a pram on it. I also do lots of long walks on terrain that’s not suitable for a pram so I’m hoping it will be comfortable for that too.

My 4 month old is obsessed with her 4 year old sister. Like, absolutely, completely, wholeheartedly enamoured with her. When her sister walks in the room her ENTIRE face lights up. I have had to work almost embarrassingly hard for laughs in the past but her sister literally just has to exist and she is cackling away. Bear in mind, this is the same sister who regularly lays on her, squishes her adorable fat cheeks, shoves her gross fingers in her mouth and screams excitedly in her face. She doesn’t give af. That’s her favourite person right there regardless.

It’s pretty awesome to see though because we didn’t have the easiest transition from 1-2. Our eldest is autistic and the change was a lot for her, we saw huge regressions in sleep and behaviour and it was a rough time for a while, but I can feel it getting easier and I can see my eldest really starting to warm up to the baby which is lovely. She even said that she loved her for the first time the other day. Not that the baby has any idea that there could be any animosity between them anyway, as far as she’s concerned they have always been besties 😂

Anyone else’s baby obsessed with their older sibling? I’m sure they will be squabbling in no time, so I’m soaking it all up for now!

I thought having my second baby in spring time would really help avoid getting PPD the second time around. Turns out I have been inside more than I was with my eldest winter baby because of the unbearable heat, so here I am struggling with it again. Sitting inside with the blinds all closed, sweating and not being able to cool down or get any fresh air whilst also battling through hot and humid nights with a baby attached to me the whole time, and navigating a birth injury on top of it all, is really rough.

Can’t wait for next week…

Apologies if this is a bit of a silly question, I’m autistic and honestly getting the bus is something I find exceptionally anxiety inducing but I don’t drive and I’m becoming a recluse so I’m pushing myself to do it with my kids in order for us to get into the local town where all the groups and soft plays are.

I have a four year old and a four month old. The four month old is currently in the bassinet attachment on her pushchair. I also have a joie literax pro which my eldest child was in from around 2 years old as it was a bit more compact. Apparently the joie is suitable from birth because it folds flat.

One of my big worries about getting the bus is needing to get off of a wheelchair user gets on (as is their right, I’m just saying I would struggle to deal with the unpredictability of that situation and it’s one of the things that stops me from doing the bus). I’m wondering about taking the baby in the joie instead and also bringing a carrier so that if I need to fold the pushchair down I can do that and stay on the bus with the baby in the carrier and still have two hands free for the pushchair and my four year old. I guess I’m worried about whether there would be time for this as well though? I don’t want to hold people up or get in their way. It also means my 4 month old would be facing away from me which I don’t love but it could be okay for trips to town.

Does the joie feel like the more sensible option or am I blowing this out of proportion and we’d probably be fine? It would be easier to just walk on and off the bus with the pushchair with the bassinet attachment but I don’t have enough hands to put it down and hold everything/ everyone if I needed to.

What would you do?

We recently moved to a village and had a second child. I’m on mat leave with her at the moment and finding it very lonely. I had a good group of friends that I met through peanut with my eldest but that kind of dissipated when everyone went back to work and my really close friend from the group moved away at the end of last year sadly. I haven’t had any luck on peanut this time around.

I tried our local church run baby group and it wasn’t for me, there were only like 4 other mums there and they all spoke to each other the whole time and it felt so awkward when I tried to join in, like they’d rather I wasn’t there, so I didn’t bother going again. I then looked at some of the classes in the local town and they are like £14 a pop! We don’t have that kind of money even once a week. I can’t drive so that limits options too, but I like to walk into the local town to keep fit as it’s an hour walk.

There are some library sessions a couple of times a week like rhyme time and story time which are in town. I’m just wondering whether people tend to go to these regularly or as more of a one off every now and again? I’d love to go somewhere regularly for the structure for me and my baby but also to maybe meet some parents organically in a setting where we see each other regularly rather than trying to force something.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, other than whether anyone else has felt like this. I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. I'm autistic and so is my 4 year old. I have been using a parenting app recently to try and meet some mum friends for me and my kids, as we currently don’t have any at all.

I have been chatting to a mum on there with similar age children for a few weeks and she's lovely, but the more we've talked, the more I'm wondering if we're just too different for a friendship to work. She is really sociable, has lots of friends, does loads of classes and activities with her kids and has a busy life, whereas we don't really do any of that. Between supporting my eldest’s needs, not driving and just life generally, our world is quite small. We mostly stay around home and go for walks because my eldest struggles to cope with typical ‘kid’ activities like soft play etc.

The thing is, I genuinely can't tell anymore whether us having different lives is a valid reason to think we might not click, or whether I'm just making excuses because I myself find friendships difficult, particularly now I’m a parent to an autistic child too, and I know I have a tendency to isolate myself to protect us both.

I have made a couple of mum friends in the past who eventually drifted away after getting to know us, whether that’s because of autism or not I can’t say for certain, but it felt a very intentional slowing down of conversation before just not replying anymore after the first couple of times we met. This is especially hard because my eldest finds it difficult to meet new people and she does need time to get to know them, which also means her meltdowns are bigger and things are harder the first few times we meet someone. I know we can be a lot, I don’t necessarily blame them, but I think these experiences have made me more protective and maybe less open to friendships.

That said, I’m lonely. I wish I had people to meet. I wish my kids could have other kids that they maybe might even form a bond with. I don’t want to push people away before I give them a chance because of past experiences.

Just wondering if anyone relates. I have mentioned having an autistic kid on this subreddit a few times and been downvoted for it, I’m not too sure why, so I’m sorry in advance if this post comes off in the wrong way.

I was recently in A&E with my 3 week old. She was having breathing difficulties from what turned out to be RSV and needed treatment at the hospital.

Naturally I ran to A&E as soon as I saw that she was struggling to breathe. When I got there I queued up to check in. There was one man at reception and one woman in front of me. The man at reception was older and I thought he was just making quick small talk with the receptionist at first, but he ended up having a long and casual chat with her about the local area and other things, which lasted about 10 minutes before I decided to walk up to him and say can we move things along now please, this isn’t really the place for a casual chat.

He got a bit offended and huffy and said I didn’t need to be so aggressive about it, but moved on straight away. And maybe I was a bit short. In my defence I was with a 3 week old baby who was struggling to breathe. As soon as we got admitted to paediatric A&E we were seen immediately due to the urgency of it.

I keep thinking about it since it happened though. Like what if something bad had just happened to him or what if that was the only conversation he’d had all week. I do always try and be mindful of other people in a hospital particularly since you never know the reason why they are there. But I also feel the receptionist at the very least could have politely moved him along considering nobody exactly wants to be in A&E let alone be waiting for any longer than they need to be. There was nobody behind me in the queue when I got there and about 8 people had joined by the time I spoke up.

I’m not one to speak up in situations even when I probably should, so I have no idea if I made the right call or not. I was kind of just in panic mode at the time. Did I make the right call?

Edit - thank you everyone! I appreciate the insights and also just want to address those saying I under reacted and shouldn’t have waited 10 minutes, you’re completely right! I was in a state of shock I think. I had just dropped my eldest at school and the baby had what I thought was a mild cold at that point which quickly spiralled into breathing difficulties. In A&E I was focused on watching her and whilst I was getting increasingly frustrated about the situation (as were others in the queue who started talking about it loudly and tutting etc) I didn’t realise quite how much time had passed until I looked at the clock again! I have also never experienced a tiny baby with breathing difficulties before, the doctors made it clear just how much of an emergency this really is when I saw them. I’m carrying a lot of guilt about that bit but I was still worried that I was too rude since he reacted in the way he did and the receptionist didn’t really do anything in response either!

I was recently in A&E with my 3 week old. She was having breathing difficulties from what turned out to be RSV and needed treatment at the hospital.

Naturally I ran to A&E as soon as I saw that she was struggling to breathe. When I got there I queued up to check in. There was one man at reception and one woman in front of me. The man at reception was older and I thought he was just making quick small talk with the receptionist at first, but he ended up having a long and casual chat with her about the local area and other things, which lasted about 10 minutes before I decided to walk up to him and say can we move things along now please, this isn’t really the place for a casual chat.

He got a bit offended and huffy, but moved on straight away. And maybe I was a bit short. In my defence I was with a 3 week old baby who was struggling to breathe. As soon as we got admitted to paediatric A&E we were seen immediately due to the urgency of it.

I keep thinking about it since it happened though. Like what if something bad had just happened to him or what if that was the only conversation he’d had all week. But I feel the receptionist at the very least should have politely moved him along considering nobody exactly wants to be in A&E let alone be waiting for any longer than they need to be. There was nobody behind me in the queue when I got there and about 8 people had joined by the time I spoke up.

I’m not one to speak up in situations even when I probably should, so I have no idea if I made the right call or not. I was kind of just in panic mode at the time. Did I make the right call?

Edit - thank you everyone! I appreciate the insights and also just want to address those saying I under reacted and shouldn’t have waited 10 minutes, you’re completely right! I was in a state of shock I think. I had just dropped my eldest at school and the baby had what I thought was a mild cold at that point which quickly spiralled into breathing difficulties. In A&E I was focused on watching her and whilst I was getting increasingly frustrated about the situation (as were others in the queue who started talking about it loudly and tutting etc) I didn’t realise quite how much time had passed until I looked at the clock again! I have also never experienced a tiny baby with breathing difficulties before, the doctors made it clear just how much of an emergency this really is when I saw them. I’m carrying a lot of guilt about that bit but I was still worried that I was too rude since he reacted in the way he did and the receptionist didn’t really do anything in response either!

I’m a second time mum with a 4yo and 4mo.

One thing I didn’t want to compromise on with my 4yo’s routine when the baby was born was doing her bedtimes, she is autistic and needs structure and routine to feel regulated and me and my husband have always taken turns doing bedtime every other night.

So since our second was born we have had this routine, baby is exclusively breastfed so when it’s my turn to do bedtime my husband gives her a bottle which she has always taken.

In the last few weeks though she screams with him every single time I’m doing bedtime with my eldest. She’s fine with him at any other time in the day but she seems to only want me from like 6pm onwards which coincides right with bedtime. She won’t accept a bottle from him in this time, and she literally screams so hard she makes herself sick sometimes.

My eldest went through this preference with me when she was younger too and at that time I would just take her when she wanted me because I could, and whilst I HATE hearing my youngest cry and I know my husband feels so bad because he feels useless when she’s like that and he can’t help her, I also want to stay consistent for my eldest.

Is the only way out through? Some bedtimes with my eldest have taken a long time and on those times the baby has calmed with him eventually but it took like an hour of screaming. He has tried everything to help her settle but she just wants me in those moments, if he hands her to me (which he has a couple of times due to feeling frustrated and that’s our rule with our kids) she stops crying completely. I feed her before bedtime every time so she’s not hungry.

What would you do?

I have a 4 month old baby, exclusively breastfed so far but I also have an older child and I’m having a hard time balancing everything.

I want to introduce formula because I don’t want to pump. Is it possible to just buy those little ready to feed bottles and use them as and when? Like no set schedule?

For example at the weekend my eldest child has a birthday party to go to. It’s a distance away and the birthday party itself is two hours but I want to take her because some of my friends will be there too. I’d rather not take both kids so I was thinking of leaving the youngest at home with dad and the formula. I wouldn’t pump the missed feed. If were to do this every now again, say 2-3 times a week at different times, would it impact my supply?

Any advice on basically ad hoc combination feeding without a set schedule or pumping missed feeds would be realty helpful thank you!

…within the tine threshold of around 2-3 hours max because I’m breastfeeding.

I have a 4 year old and 3 month old. As mentioned I’m breastfeeding and the 3 month old is attached to my boob pretty much all the time. She’s a snacker and so doesn’t go long between feeds. 4 year old told me yesterday that she’s sad because I’m not her mummy anymore, I’m just (sisters name)’s mummy. Yes it broke my heart. I have been trying to prioritise 1 to 1 time with her as much as possible but we haven’t done a ‘thing’ just us two for a while now. Plus she’s going to school in September so all the talk of leaving nursery etc must be a lot for them at this age anyway.

Before having my second I used to spend every Thursday and Friday with my eldest and we’d always get up to little adventures here and there, I have been trying to keep that up but it’s logistically difficult with a small baby at times and obviously not quite the same for her. She is amazing with her little sis, so sweet and kind. I don’t want her to feel left behind.

Does anyone have any ideas for things we can do together that are quick enough to get back for the baby but also a bit longer/ more meaningful than doing a craft or playing a game which is kind of all we have done so far. I was wondering about just going for a coffee/ babyccino date like we used to do all the time, would that be enough to give her that bigger sense of connection?

My biggest fear when having a second was that I wouldn’t be able to split my time properly and either of them would feel left out or not loved as much as the other, and I feel like I’m already failing at that :(

I am a mum of two, and an engineer. I have worked in my private sector engineering job for 7 years, currently on maternity leave with my second child.

I am desperate for a career change. I only went down the corporate route for the enhanced maternity leave benefits and pay to support early years childcare, but once my second child is in nursery I would like to quit my job and do something I actually feel passionate about. My current job drains me, and it’s purely a means to an end. We will be able to afford a salary drop once the kids are out of nursery care and we aren’t having any more children.

My passion lies with helping children who have additional needs. I am autistic myself and so is my eldest daughter. I know a lot about autism and I have been through a lot of autism support with my daughter too, but I would love to be involved with children with additional needs as my every day job and I genuinely think I could make a difference to something here, rather than basically just working for clients with more money than sense everyday. I have a very calm and patient demeanour and I am proud of how I handle my daughter. Nobody really gets through to her like I do. I would love to help other children in the same way and my passion truly lies here regardless of the fact my earnings would be much lower.

Does anyone know how I can start to get into this? There’s no rush. I’ll start actively looking for a different job when I’m back at work after this maternity leave, but I’d like something to work towards, any potential qualifications that I could look into getting, any experiences or tips for entering this kind of industry. Any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you!

I don’t know if I’m being a sleep deprived killjoy right now but my next door neighbours (terraced house) have a teenager and she clearly has her friends round at the moment. It’s 9:30pm and their music is INSANELY loud. It’s literally shaking the walls and that’s not an exaggeration.

I have a newborn baby who is fussy after her jabs and a four year old who has now woken up for the third time tonight to ask what the ‘banging’ is. It’s the bass of the music, they are right next to her room. They are also in the garden shouting and screaming which again is right outside her room.

Is this what teenage kids do?! And what parents allow?! I can’t imagine allowing my teenager to do this especially when I know there’s two little kids next door. Am I just turning into a grumpy boomer or is this out of line?!

I don’t drive, regrettably. There were a few reasons why I don’t but I’m at a point now where I’m willing to at least give it a go. Only issue is I can’t find the time or money to do it now…

Anyway, getting around on public transport felt fine with one child but now I have two I have been putting it off and staying very local because it feels a tad overwhelming. I have a 4 month old and a 4 year old. The 4yo currently goes to nursery 3 days a week but will be going to school in September so to be fair it’s only going to be me alone with the two of them for a little while longer anyway but I am getting pretty bored of the local park and cafe, I live in an village and there’s not much to do around here.

Quickest mode of transport to get around for me is the bus, but I’m not sure how to go about it with two. The pushchair feels big and bulky and it’s not one I can put down at the moment as the baby is still in the bassinet so I don’t know what I’d do if a wheelchair user needed the space, but also
it would be able to hold all our stuff and the baby sleeps well in it, plus eldest likes to sit/ stand on the buggy board.

The other option is the carrier which is good in that it frees up my hands to properly hold onto my eldest (which she needs as she is autistic and will run off otherwise), but it means I need to carry all our stuff and the baby all day which I can imagine is going to be tricky and my back probably wont thank me for it.

What do you do if you don’t drive?