Because I don’t want to be the one to bring down the mood all the time and it’s nice to be able to pretend for a while.
Suddenly, I’m a “normal” teenager with two living parents.
I (18f) am just feeling so confused and lost about myself. I feel emotions strongly and they switch on so fast that I don’t have time to process them. I’ve been like this since I was little but I do not get the impression that other people feel emotions as strongly as I do.
Important note: My dad unexpectedly died three years ago and I’ve been recently diagnosed with PTSD and moderate depression.
Examples:
- I usually get these spikes of happiness where everything feels great. I get extremely talkative, speak fast, have a much harder time (than normally) to sit still, racing thoughts, great ideas, become productive, more social and more impulsive (however no extremes like substance use, lots of shopping etc). This can go on for 30 minutes, hours, sometimes a day or two (note that I will not feel like that every single second, but on average) and then I crash. I become slow, withdraw, depressed etc. If I was extremely happy for two hours I will probably be crashing for five hours. If this went on for a full day I will usually withdraw for one to two days.
- I get extremely angry and frustrated with seemingly small things. Dropping a spoon, the computer logging, coming home and seeing mum cook another food that wasn’t on the menu. I blow up fast and the steam goes out as quickly as it came.
- Boredom feels painful. It’s excruciating. I lay down on the floor and cry because I’m so bored.
- I am capable of feeling emotions in a more reasonable amount but often joy feels like real happiness, sadness like grief, frustration as anger.
I can’t for the life of me understand this. It feels like chaos and I can’t control it.