u/LillyTeneille

I hope this goes here.

Yesterday I attended a family wedding. My son was a groomsman. For context: Old school, black tie, country club, the whole nine. The MOG planned everything because the wedding was in the groom's hometown. The families all get along famously. The MOG is an experienced hostess with beautiful taste and I'm sure the bride has similar societal aspirations.

The groom has three brothers. They aren't "mama's boys" - this is important context. If they were, this might be a completely different story. But under these circumstances, I thought this was lovely.

At the end of the interlude, when everyone was seated except the mothers, the groom slipped out the side door and walked around so he could be the one to walk his mother to the front row. Then he took his place back at the altar next to BM (FOG). It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I don't know if they rehearsed it or if they surprised her, but I assure you it wasn't MOG's idea and I know the bride would have been 100% on board with the plan. It made her look good too.

I can see how this would be a huge problem with wedding planning when the MOG wants to be the center of attention and the couple doesn't want to do it this way. This is kind of like when the bride orchestrates a friend's proposal at her own wedding. It's only okay when it's okay.

Earlier this summer, I (F48) working at an event that relies on volunteers. Samantha (F31), a young woman I mentor in our profession and see socially when I can (she lives in another city) wanted to come help. We were trying to combine our frequent flyer miles when one of the volunteers, Arthur (M42) said he travels internationally for work and has more miles than he could ever use, so he flew her in. 

Samantha arrived at the end of the work day and we all headed to the bar next door. She greeted the team, many of whom she had worked with before. I left her to talk to Arthur, but she followed me when I went to sit down.

I told her she needed to go thank him, he didn’t have to do that and this was a huge opportunity for her. She refused, saying she doesn’t owe him anything just because he did something nice, and talking to him would be leading him on. I said basic courtesy doesn’t lead anyone on, and she’s in a crowded restaurant, she’s not alone with him or anything like that.

Arthur didn’t have any ulterior motive. It wasn’t about her, he was actually a favor for ME - we go way back. She kept insisting she didn’t owe him anything. Then she said she didn’t owe it to ME to do something she’s uncomfortable with. I’m sorry but I think she does. Arthur handled the blowoff with grace, and I went and sat next to him and bought him dinner as a thank you (which I would have done anyway.)

Samantha did her assignments that week but she pointedly ignored Arthur to the point of rudeness. He tried to engage her in polite conversation a few times but gave up after the first day. We were all working in a small space so it was very noticeable and uncomfortable, especially because she was bubbly and sweet to everyone else.

I am really embarrassed. She made a terrible impression on the rest of the team, several of whom had talked her up when they heard she was coming. Arthur was volunteering because he’s friends with the project manager, who had been friends with Samantha too and was horrified.

We work in a profession that runs on connections, favors, and volunteers. Also she’s in her 30’s, she's not just starting out.

AITA? Am I being too harsh? Should I have overlooked her behavior out of sensitivity to her comfort? I know times have changed and I have Gen X sensibilities.

ETA: Arthur is a do-gooder lawyer who grew up with my boss and helps us out when he can. I wouldn't call him good looking, but Samantha is really really pretty.

Also since people asked, people flock to volunteer for this event. It's a resort location and it involves mingling with celebrities and VIPs. Volunteers make their own arrangements, we don't fly people in or put them up. She could not have afforded to come on her own.

There was no power imbalance. They were both volunteers. She was more of an insider - friendly with professional staff/supervisors - than he was. She knew a lot more people because she works in our field. He knows a few people because he volunteers to help my boss when he can. So when she was icing him out, he was already an outsider.

People are making a lot of assumptions but I have no idea why she thought he was going to hit on her.

And prompted by the comments, I should clarify - I think it did have a lot to do with me and my expectation that she would be gracious and courteous. She did not like that. If Arthur had done something she definitely would have said something, if only to justify her behavior.

Someone made an interesting point - yes, they are both of the same religion, while I am not. So maybe there's a cultural expectation that I don't understand? But that doesn't change the fact that it was not a fix up.

People are making a lot of assumptions about Arthur but I have no idea why she thought he was after her. I think they're both dating someone, at least he is, and she's always dating someone. She doesn't need to be fixed up. It never occurred to me. We were all there to work.

I have been friends with this girl for about 5 years now and we're very close but lately she has been annoying me more and more. When we used to text, she was always a bit cold, but I knew that was just the way she was, especially since she was very friendly irl, despite some conflict occasionally.

Lately, we've been seeing each other a lot less since we both travel a lot, but when we text it's like I'm talking and she says something barely related. (Also, she has been self-victimizing a bit and acting pretty self centered and defensive recently but that's another issue)

Anyways so about a year ago, a snail got into my house and I decided to keep it. Since then, I have found 3 more that I have been raising.

Today, I found one of my snail enclosures empty with the lid partially off and the 2 snails in the enclosure had escaped. I found one but not the other so I've been kind of distraught and scared. I didn't tell anyone since I have been looking around for it.

Today, after I had spent nearly 2 hours searching, she sent me a picture of a plate of escargot.

I feel like that's very disrespectful, given that she knows how much I love snails not as food, but as pets. I feel like that is the equivalent of me sending her a picture of 50 dead dogs (since she has a pet dog) or 50 corpses

She doesn't know about the snail I lost, but I don't understand why under any circumstances she would think that was okay.

I always walk on eggshells around her usually since she is very sensitive about everything and I am quite direct. Maybe I should have asked what her intentions were but I just snapped in my mind. I called her and confronted her about it and she said it was fine so I basically asked "what's wrong with you" and she called me a b then hung up and blocked me. I know we will talk again later, probably soon since my birthday is coming up and she was invited and our conflicts never last long.

I think on any normal day, I would have been annoyed by the photo but only mildly. But today since my snail is probably lost somewhere and I've been angry at her for a while anyways, I think that was the last straw with her. AITA?

Edit : I wasn't MAD or angry about the escargot plate thing, I was CONFUSED and I overreacted. I don't have any moral objection to eating escargot in the first place. I was simply CONFUSED especially since she hadn't answered a previous message I sent before sending the picture. Also I didn't start the confrontation with "what's wrong with you", we started calmly and it escalated. I do like my friend and she likes me but sometimes we get on each other's nerves, which can happen in any relationship Also to clarify I don't just walk around on eggshells with her, even if she is very sensitive, I just know that I can be a bit harsh and so I try not to do that anymore

My brother (31) and I (30f) are a year apart, I am the youngest of 5 siblings. For some context — my family has had a ton of drama between siblings, usually surrounding this brother and my nieces and nephews and cookie counting situations etc. which I have done my best to keep myself out of to remain neutral. I myself do not have children yet, though my fiancé and I, who have been together for 12 years, have always expressed the desire to have children once I was done school and we were settled. In that time, my other siblings have all had babies. During all our family gatherings, I am always asked when I plan on having children etc, the topic always turns to names. My fiancé and I have had our heart set on 1 boy name for 11 years now, and have decided that we’d like to expand our family after our wedding (this Sept). The name started because we both love a specific song that has a name in it, that I played on repeat all the time when we started dating. Eventually, my fiancé bought me an animal necklace for my birthday that year, and named it that name. Over the years, we’ve talked about having kids and this name specifically so many times, even with my family. Fast forward to this week.

My brother, who was expecting his 3rd with his wife and with whom I’ve barely had contact with over the last 5 years (not for a lack of trying), messaged me asking if I would be the godmother. At the time, they kept the gender a surprise, so he said “if it was a girl it would be named after me”. Well, hours later I received a message welcoming a baby boy to the family — and he used the name that my fiancé and I have been openly talking and dreaming about for years. My mom immediately called me to ask “that was the name you guys loved wasn’t it”.

I’m devastated and actually just cannot believe anyone could do that to their sibling. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now, considering I feel extremely betrayed and resentment towards my brother — but also agreed to be a godparent before this all happened. Am I overreacting? I feel completely blindsided and I’m not sure how/if I should approach this, considering godparents are supposed to be so involved in the child’s life. I think if this had just been any name that we both liked that would be different — but this was a name that my fiance and I have talked about for years that was woven into our relationship through gifts and “our song”.

Hi,

So about two months ago my partner asked me about going into an open relationship because she’s never had the chance to ‘explore’ as she’s basically been in relationships her whole adult life, mainly our one of 5 years.

She went on a girls holiday and slept with another guy while she was out there. Upon her return I was not angry that it happened because we agreed to the open relationship but it still really upset me. I have now said I don’t want an open relationship anymore and we either go back to normal or break up but she wants to just take a ‘break’ from us and continue seeing other people.

To complicate matters further we have recently just bought a house together but this was before we talked about an open relationship

Now I need advice on whether to wait for her to finish seeing other people and hope we get back together properly, as i can’t imagine my life with anyone else, or do I call quits on it now.

Thanks in advance for your help

UPDATE
We sat down and talked it through and I broke up with her as I can’t agree to what she wants. It’s utterly heartbreaking but it’s for the best. We are going to try and be friends and not sell the house asap as it would wipe out both of our finances because of the early exit costs from mortgage and other costs

Thankyou all for your help, I never expected such a huge response but the opinion was all the same, leave her and find someone who loves me and that’s what I will do!!

Thanks again everyone!

I (29F) suffer with C-PTSD and have been in therapy for over 6 years for it. It was effecting all of my relationships, but especially my romantic relationships. I took a couple of years off from dating as a result.

Within the last year, I decided to get on the apps and try for the first time in my life to make a healthy connection with a good man (I have not had many good men in my life at all but I know there are some out there). I met lots of people and eventually I met someone (38M) who I liked and we were seeing each other for 2.5 months. He was a good person who was very consistent. My brain kept trying to convince me I was being tricked, but I pushed through.

After a communication gap following a pretty significant physical milestone in the relationship, I posted him in the “Are we dating the same guy” group in my area. I didn’t think he was seeing other people. I thought he was ghosting me and wanted to see if other women had the same experience.

In hindsight, it was not the right choice for this situation. He is a good guy who was treating me well. I just can’t explain at the time my brain was catastrophizing into only worst case scenarios and I wasn’t regulated enough to reach out to him. If I’m being honest I was sad that someone could become physical and then go several days without talking to me afterwards too. I think I just wanted some reassurance or relief that it wasn’t my fault. Again, it was not the right thing to do and I regret it.

No one commented and I deleted the post when I snapped out of it. It was too late. Someone sent him the post. Turns out he was in his head too and was waiting for a text from me (i have thoughts but whatever; big miscommunication). I didn’t think about how it would feel on his end to find out he was in that group. I regret it and I’ve attempted to apologize several times. He won’t see me or have a phone conversation.

Is this really that bad? Those groups exist for a reason. Dating 2.5 months there’s not much trust established yet. No one commented on it and I deleted it before I knew he knew he saw it. I also owned it and took full responsibility because it was not the right outlet for my anxiety. I really liked him and I fear I ruined it. I did not set out to use the group to be malicious or vindictive (I know some women do). It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t heard from him. Is there anything I can do to fix it?

My (32F) partner (at present) (30M) just sat me down to say that he is getting pressure from his parents to start a family, so he no longer wants me to move in with him and nor does he see a future with me, but qualified that he didn't want to break up yet. I'm angry but also confused, we had spent time planning the move in, talking about going away together and now he expects me to hang around until what? Till he reaches an age where he decides that he is stable enough to find a "real" partner to give him children?

For added detail we just passed our 3 year anniversary.

Another detail that is probably salient but didn't occur to me earlier was that we both discussed not wanting children a month in and we were both content with that decision. I could understand him saying he had changed his mind and wanted children, though of course it would have stung. Instead he initially framed it as me not wanting to move in as his mother was "a lot" (she owns the property and lives nearby, which maybe should have been a red flag?) only after I pushed on what he expected for our future did he admit that they were pushing him to "start a family", so he didn't want to break up "yet", still "loved" me, but that he didn't want to choose essentially.

I posted this elsewhere on Reddit but I was asked by many people to share it here. I'm literally in a state of shock. I've done the crying thing and now I'm just angry.

I was so happy to see a wedding invitation in my mailbox. I pulled it out and a little note fell out on an index card but I looked at the invitation first. It was truly beautiful and I immediately stuck it to my fridge like the work of art it was. It was addressed to my husband and me and I was beyond stoked. I love weddings. I tend to get teary-eyed and smile until my face hurts at the joy of new beginnings and all the love. I was even a wedding singer ... that's how much I love them.

I picked up the notecard and read that and while my husband was invited ... I'd be in another room helping to babysit all the children there with several other female invitees. There's a special room for children at the church and that's where I'd be. For everything. I'd still need to dress for a wedding in case I wind up in any photos, but I'd be taking my reception meal with the children and I'd be with all the kids for the ceremony. Then there was a link for their gift registry.

Oh, and the meals for my husband and myself would be $100.00 each and we have a link to pay it when we digitally RSVP. And it costs money to RSVP on the website they've chosen.

The first problem here is that I am disabled at 50 years old. Legally. I use oxygen. I use a walker when I need to walk long distances. I sometimes have to give up the walker entirely and use a wheelchair. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I could happily sit in a room and LOOK at kids but I'd be pretty useless to prevent a fall or stop a child from choking or anything else that would require me to move quickly.

Second, my husband isn't the one who has been friends with these people since childhood. I am. Why would he be invited to watch the ceremony and be part of the reception but not me? My husband said he'd happily watch the kids and let me attend the wedding and reception but the invitation specified that only a few other FEMALE invitees would be watching the kids so I doubt they'd let him.

It's just the pure audacity for me. They expect me to not only pay for a meal that I have to eat while watching kids ... but also get them a gift and dress up just in case I happen to be captured in photos.

I know them because the bride's mom and I were besties growing up. Our mothers were the very best of friends and it made us become like sisters. Our birthdays are four days apart in the same year. We've been friends our entire lives. We went to school together, graduated together, and got married in the same year. The bride is like an unofficial goddaughter for us and we've been there for all her big milestones. She even met her fiance at a cookout at our house (we're related to the groom via marriage.) So this is a big old slap in the face. I don't even know what to think.

We're all American. They've rented a Southern Baptist church but none of us are overly religious so that isn't the reason for this. It's not a cultural thing. It's just a tacky thing. I don't even know how to process all of this. I'm angry and sad and feel disrespected and ... ughh. Just ugh.

UPDATE:

I spoke to my friend (the mother of the bride) and I'm pretty upset. I've been bawling for most of the day. She called and said that they were getting a lot of backlash from the wedding guests. No one wants to pay $100 for dinner and only three of the women asked were okay with babysitting. I told her I understood that the guests were upset because it's just tacky to 1) be asked to pay and 2) be TOLD you are invited but only to babysit. I told her I would not be a babysitter. At all. No. Just no.

She got mad and brought up how we were lifelong friends. She said I'd be helping them more by babysitting than I'd be helping by simply sitting in a pew watching. I reminded her that I couldn't physically help at ALL due to, you know, being legally disabled. She said they completely understood that and expected me to simply 'supervise' the other sitters since they trusted me most. Again, I told her that I felt it was insulting to be volun-told (thanks, Reddit, for that word) that I'd be babysitting and that I had no desire to do that, especially not dressed in formal wear.

THEN we got to the truth. She said that she didn't know if I'd be in a wheelchair that day or require a walker. That's fair. I don't always know which one I'll need. She said that they wanted everyone in pews for the wedding video and me sitting in a wheelchair would make me stick out and ruin video/photos. I said, "If I need a wheelchair that day then I can move to a pew and my husband can put the wheelchair in another room or back in our car. I may not even need it that day."

Then she says, "Well, space is limited in the pews. You would take up the space of two people with your purse and oxygen tank."

I said, "No, I would not. I wouldn't bring a purse in and the oxygen tank either sits on my lap or between my feet." (it's like a little backpack.)

Then she said, "Well, having you in oxygen in the photos would be distracting from the other people."

And there you have it. Words were exchanged and she hung up on me. I haven't been removed from any social media YET but I fully expect to be. I already feel awful for being this way at only 50 years old. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this. If she thinks its awful to having it photographed ... just imagine living with it. Which is what I told her before she hung up on me. I'm devastated. Just devastated.

UPDATE 2:

I'm not in the greatest headspace. I don't think I've ever been less okay, honestly. I did not register to RSVP or communicate with them further. Until ... another invitee got in touch with me and said that the mother of the bride, a person I thought of as basically my sister, was badmouthing me into the ground. I explained my side and our mutual friend was livid. They told the mother of the bride and the bride that they were wrong to want to exclude me because I might or might not need a wheelchair and would have oxygen on my face. I could remove the oxygen for photos, they told her. So, the mother of the bride sent me a message saying .... and I quote, "Well, if you're going to be butthurt about the aesthetic we want to achieve and try to turn other guests against us then you can f*cking come and sit in a pew. But not in photos. And we'll try to get the videographer to do edits to the wedding vid, too. But I won't forget how you made this difficult for us."

I replied, "How did I make it difficult other than existing?"

She replied, "You clearly told ***** about what I told you regarding your wheelchair and oxygen. And she's telling everyone else. We're getting a ton of hate."

I said, "She asked me if I was attending and I told her no and explained why. I didn't lie to her. I told her exactly what you said. You didn't tell me not to tell anyone your reasons. If they're valid reasons to you then you shouldn't care who knows."

So, I'm now blocked. By the bride, the mom, the dad, and the groom. A friendship I've had my entire life is over. A goddaughter that I helped nurture and care for is just gone now. We paid for the bride's car insurance, gas, and cell phone all through high school and college because we wanted her focused on just her studies and not a part-time job (her parents got her a car but insisted she work but her grades fell when she did and we helped her) ... and this is how they thank us. This is how they repay our kindness. I guess I'm a great friend when I'm giving money ... but I'm not good enough to be seen. I've felt like a burden my whole life and this has set me back so far. I'm just not okay.

UPDATE (and possibly the final update)

The wedding was today 11/16/24.

Friends rented a big cabin venue about 20 minutes from the wedding venue and everyone who was offended over being asked to pay at the reception and babysit or serve the food (yes, several people got invitations telling them they were invited, but would be serving food at the reception they paid to eat at) got together at the cabin. Me included. I was on the fence about going because I really didn't want to sit there and talk about everything and rehash it but that wasn't my experience at all. I had a truly lovely time. My husband and I even danced to our wedding song! And I had mixed drinks! Quite a few so forgive me if this has typos. LOL!

Two of the bridesmaids opted out of the wedding over mistreatment and, without anyone knowing, they sent letters to all the guests who had been invited to tell them what went down with me and others being asked to babysit/be servers. Those guests were given the address of the cabin. They were the two bridesmaids who addressed all the envelopes and still had the guest list, from what they told me. Anyway, we had a great time. There were about 80 of us before all was said and done, though I didn't take a head count. It was PACKED. Several people went to the wedding but didn't attend the reception (they refused to pay for their meal) and came to our get-together instead. Including the two bridesmaids who told me all about what I was being called and the story of how I was trying to ruin their wedding because I was jealous of their good health.

The bridesmaids who backed out of the wedding due to bridezilla behavior were posting a ton of pics of all of us dancing and eating (we all chipped in $$ weeks ago for catering and booze) and was seen by my ex-bestie because she unblocked me (I unblocked her weeks ago in the hope that she'd come around, much as I'm loathe to admit it) and called me to tell me off again. I told her I didn't plan the alternate reception but I was invited and came because they didn't care about my health or me ruining any photos, just me having a good time. Apparently, the wedding was 'ruined' because of me. They had invited hundreds of people and the church wasn't even halfway full. And the reception had less than 30 people (so that's $3000 the guests paid) when the food and liquor cost around $15,000 and it's my fault they're eating that cost now.

They likened me to the antichrist and the devil and claimed I had to be possessed to do this to a young girl and the groom, when he's a member of my family. I said, "I didn't do anything. I told the truth and if the truth hurts you then maybe you were wrong to do it. Did you consider that?"

She hung up on me and started calling others and demanding the address so they could come to the actual reception. No one gave it to her. I just got home at 11:00 pm. It was a great day. I laughed. I even felt up to dancing a little (I had good news! I don't need my oxygen all the time now and just at night via CPAP or after exercise and I have been going to the pool and doing senior aquatics - as much as I can - and it's helped so much with my breathing and my mobility! I can walk around the whole grocery store now without needing to sit down on my walker! I still use the walker for long periods due to dizziness from Meniere's Disease but I think I'm doing better! At least, I'm trying! I feel very proud of myself, friends!)

Anyway, the wedding still happened but they didn't have the numbers they expected and I've heard that someone suggested they donate the excess food instead of throwing it away but they didn't. Which sucks because I just know that firemen, or police, or the hospital, or the homeless shelter would have been so happy to get it.

I think I'm doing better mentally after today because everyone who talked to me told me it was wrong to exclude me because of my wheelchair or oxygen. I did have my walker with me today but not my wheelchair OR an oxygen tube. I had it in my car just in case I needed it and there were a couple of times I could have used it but I was determined not to be in any pics with it out of pure spite. I also wore the pretty dress I bought for the wedding and had many compliments. I'm still hurt and angry and miss having that closeness with their family but I'm going to be okay.

And that's a wrap.

Apparently, that's not a wrap. 1-19-25

I got a call today from a mutual friend. She warned me that the bride and her mother are lawyer shopping to find representation to sue me "into oblivion" for this post, the abysmal attendance at the wedding, and for the alternative reception/party that I attended the day of the wedding. Mind you, I simply told the truth when asked why I wasn't going to the wedding. And I did NOT plan the party that happened on the same day of the wedding. Another friend planned that party and I simply attended it. I had zero part in the planning of that party or the invitations that were sent out. I have the invitation to the party I received as evidence of that as well as all text exchanges between myself and the bride's family full of threats and the reason I was uninvited laid out in black and white. I also have the texts from the friend who actually planned the party. If I'm sued, I will counter sue for libel, defamation, threats, and harassment. I did nothing wrong and I'd love to go to court to prove that.

(Throw away account because she's probably spying on me.)

I (35f) met my best friend of 10 years - let’s call him Tyler (35m) - when he was in music school and we were waiting tables together. We hooked up for a few months but decided we were better off being friends. When he graduated, we decided to get a place together. We still hooked up casually until both of us got in serious relationships. When our lease was up he moved in with his then-girlfriend.

That didn’t work out. They had a terrible breakup and Tyler was devastated. I wanted him to come stay with me, but then his band booked a summer gig in a beach town about 7 hours away. He didn’t want to move away but he had no choice.

His lead singer was friends with current gf, let’s call her Sydney, for years but Tyler didn’t meet her until halfway through that summer. She is significantly older, almost 50. To be fair, she doesn’t look or act it, but really? He assured me it was casual but right away I didn’t trust her.

My plans for Labor Day weekend fell apart at the last minute, so my boyfriend and I decided to go visit Tyler. At first he said we were welcome to stay at Sydney’s. He had a house in another beach town about 30 minutes away but he was staying with her that weekend because they had plans.

His band ended up booking gigs out of town the first two nights we would be there. He called and said he wasn’t going to be around, so it would be better if we came one day later and stayed at his place instead, saying the beach there was just as nice.

I was floored. My best friend had never treated me this way. I told him we just wouldn’t come if we weren’t welcome. After a few days of arguing we agreed to come a day later and stay at his house, but I made it clear Sydney was SO rude to uninvite us and I had no interest in meeting her. He actually tried to defend her, saying it wasn't her, he just couldn’t ask her to drop everything to entertain us all weekend when he wasn’t even going to be there. It was already becoming clear how controlling she was.

Since Tyler wasn’t getting back until late at night, the plan, clearly HER plan, was for us to meet them the next morning at a brunch event. When we arrived, they were already at a table full of people eating and drinking bloody marys. It was clear Sydney was expecting us to join them, but we were not there to hang out with people he would never see again after he moved home. I pulled Tyler aside and said my boyfriend was uncomfortable with their friends wearing bikinis and funny costumes and we were going to sit at a table across the room.

Sydney was not happy that he left them to come sit with us. Tyler was visibly upset that she was being so awful. He was so distracted he barely listened when I was trying to fill him in on everything he missed over the summer. When the event started and it was getting really crowded, I said we needed to go somewhere quiet so we could have an actual conversation. We found a diner down the street that wasn’t loud or crowded and I FINALLY got to catch him up on everything we’d been doing.

It wasn’t enough that Sydney tried to ruin our day, but that night she wanted to go see their friends’ band playing one town over. Tyler took her side, saying he never gets to see other bands because he’s always playing. We had no choice but to go. When we got there I followed Sydney into the bathroom to warn her he was on the rebound and couldn’t handle a relationship. She blew me off, saying she had no agenda and they were both "on the same page." As if she knew my best friend better than me.

My boyfriend did not like the band, and after the first set, I told Tyler we’d had enough. Sydney offered to pay for an uber so he didn’t have to leave. HUGE red flag. I told Tyler that just because she was older and successful, he shouldn’t let her control him with money, and we were his guests so he needed to drive us to where we were staying. Sydney refused to leave and said she would just ride home with the band. Again, no manners, but I was glad to have a chance to talk to him about how manipulative and entitled she was acting, and how worried I was. He defended her again, saying they’d had these plans for weeks. I said she should show more respect for his best friend who had driven all this way, and I was right about not wanting to meet her.

He was supposed to move home when his lease was up, but his band booked a few more gigs so Sydney asked him to stay at her house. So much for having no agenda. When he finally moved home about three weeks later, I thought their “summer fling” was over, but it turns out she had invited him on a trip to the Caribbean with some friends, and he had invited her to come visit him for a few days. But she was going to Europe in a month and all the times before that when she could visit, I already had plans with Tyler. He took her side AGAIN, asking if we could reschedule, but I told him he had already blown me off for her once by letting her dictate everything when we visited and I wouldn’t put up with it again.

He didn’t mention her for a while after that, so I thought I had gotten through to him, but a few months later his band played in the city she lived in (not the beach.) I guess the lead singer called her and she invited the band to stay with her. I told Tyler to get a hotel room so she couldn’t start her b.s. again but he said he could handle it. It was supposed to be for the weekend but he didn’t come home for a week. It's not like him not to check in. Suddenly the Caribbean trip was back on. I was really worried at that point but I was not prepared for what happened next.

The other couples had issues with Covid tests, so it was just the two of them. A little too convenient - I’m not sure there was ever a group going. I think this is when Tyler got confused and started thinking of it as a real relationship with a future.

When they first got there, Tyler was texting me back the normal amount but soon his texts came back slower and slower. His ex had posted some nasty tweets about Sydney’s age. I thought he should know so I sent him screenshots, laughing about how I was looking forward to their feud. He didn’t respond until the next day, when he said it wasn’t a feud, it was his ex being jealous and ridiculous and Sydney had nothing to do with it. I said “semantics” but he didn’t respond. When I texted him the next day he told me several gigs were canceled because of a blizzard so they were staying an extra week and he would talk to me when he got home from vacation.

That’s when I knew he was not okay. My best friend had always been there for me, and now I felt like I couldn’t reach out about anything going on with me. Sydney was clearly threatened by our friendship, because he would never do that on his own. When he finally got back, he told me that Sydney was coming to our city with their beach friends in 10 days to see a band reunion. She claims she bought her plane tickets during the time they weren’t talking, but it was obviously a ploy to get him back. He invited her to stay with him after the weekend so he could introduce her to his parents and show her around our city. Obviously her plan worked.

His band went back on the road so I didn’t see him for another week. We made plans to go out but I got called into work. He said he had plans to zoom with Sydney to plan their trip, since she was arriving that weekend, and he’d canceled on her twice to keep plans with me. I was livid but I didn’t let on. I calmly explained that I needed him, I hadn’t talked to him in weeks and it was really important that I get to spend some time with my best friend.

When he got to my place, he said he could only stay out for a couple of drinks, then he was going home to zoom with her. I asked what she wanted that was so important, and he mumbled about changing her plane ticket, coordinating dinner with his parents, and making arrangements for everything else they were going to do.

This was the last straw. I started screaming that Sydney was a grown ass woman who shouldn’t need him to hold her hand, and she was blatantly manipulating him. That isolating him from his friends is a sign of abuse. I said I knew he would never tell me not to text him and I knew she made him say it, she had probably stolen his phone, and she was obviously a complete nutjob who couldn’t take a hint. He didn’t defend her, he just apologized and asked why I didn’t text him if I needed him. As if I would do that when he clearly had better things to do.

We went to a bar and I finally got to tell him everything going on with me. I forbid him to look at his phone. If she can do it, I can do it. We ended up drinking heavily and I made him sleep at my house instead of driving home. The next morning he freaked because he missed several texts from her. I guess she still thought their zoom date was happening. I got him calmed down, assuring him he was better off without her and he should let this be a clean break.

I checked on him the next afternoon and he was even more upset. Sydney told him she was sticking to her original plans with her friends and ended things with him. He had sent her flowers but she refused to go to the door. She’s a middle aged woman and she’s freaking out because he didn’t call when she wanted him to? I sent him a few articles about emotional abuse and made him promise to read them. It’s all I could think to do.

I offered to hang out that weekend so he wouldn’t mope around, but when I got off work he didn’t text me back. Awhile back, I had convinced him to share his location with me because he was really drunk and I was worried about him. He never turned it off, so I could see he was at a hotel near the concert venue. He was clearly with her.

When he finally got back to his place, I called and asked what he did the night before. He had the nerve to lie and say nothing. I gave him another chance and asked if he stayed in all night. He said yes. This was just too much. I went off on him, telling him I could see he was with Sydney and he was obviously too embarrassed to admit it. I said best friends don’t lie to each other and he had become someone I didn’t want to know, someone who would choose money and trips and partying over a 10 year friendship. He tried to apologize but I told him I wasn’t going to put up with this disrespect. I said our friendship was over and hung up.

I thought he would call me back but he didn’t, so I texted him, saying again that I’m sorry but I can’t watch him destroy his life over someone like her. He responded by unsharing his location.

I did a lot of journaling, getting my feelings out. How much he meant to me, how he was alway there for me, and I could tell him anything. How hurt I was that my best friend of 10 years was treating me like this. How horrified I was that he was pursuing a relationship with such an awful person and choosing her over me. When I got it all out, I sent it to him in a series of texts. No response.

I blocked them both on Facebook, which turned out to be a mistake, because both of their pages are private so when I unblocked them I couldn’t see either page to know what they were up to. I reblocked her so she couldn't spy on me but I left the door open for him to reach out to me.

I texted a few more times but got nothing. Sydney had clearly forbidden him from apologizing. I heard through mutual friends that his band played another tour and she had gone with him, and he was planning to live with her at the beach that summer. His band broke up, but he got a job in her friend’s bar, which led to him joining another band.

I had some friends text him to intervene. One of them he ignored completely, and the other reported back that Tyler told her our friendship was over, that he didn’t do it but it was for the best. I was devastated that he wasn’t even willing to fight for me. I sent him another text, saying we just had a fight, the friendship didn’t have to be over, and we could work it out. I told him I missed my best friend, talking to him, all the fun we had. But she had obviously made him choose.

I sent him one more text saying I was worried he’d been brainwashed and to please let me help him get his own life back. No response.

It’s been months since I sent that last text. His new band doesn’t play in our city but he brings her home for holidays and other events. People tell me when they see them out, but obviously she’s too threatened to let him contact his old friends. He’s completely isolated now.

Reaching out to his family won't help. I don't really know them. They have accepted her into their lives because they clearly don’t see her for who she is. Has anyone experienced this? Is he too far gone? Do I have to wait for him to hit rock bottom before I can get my best friend back?