u/MarsupialEcstatic932

when i was 13 and younger i use to be aroused by womens bodies and make my barbies scissor and kiss and watched hentai of princess peach and daisy. I would also imagine how it would feel like to have my body on another womans body and how her curves would feel. I got so scared when i was 13 and got off to a pic of a woman in a thong that i repressed it. Soon my feelings faded and now im genuinely aroace. Is it possible i may become lesbian again. I dont feel attracted to women anymore even if i try to be.

The Background & Friendship Dynamics
In grade 10 (second semester), I became close friends with a girl named Michelle. At the start of grade 11 (September), I cut off a toxic friend named Jasleen. Around that same time, I started sitting at the lunch table with Michelle and her friends. This group was already fully formed before I arrived, and they are all Asian, which created a bit of a cultural barrier for me since I am not, making it harder to naturally match their chemistry and history.

The Masking & The Misunderstanding
I am aroace (aromatic-asexual) and have ADHD. To try and fit in with the group, I started masking by copying their sense of humor. They would make freaky jokes, so I started making them too, specifically about fictional characters. Because of my ADHD masking, I overdid it and the jokes became my entire personality.

This made Michelle uncomfortable, and she eventually set a boundary, telling me she couldn't tell if I was joking and to keep it to myself. It really hurt, I opened up to her and told her the truth about being aroace and masking. It left me feeling incredibly heavy, sad, and full of regret. My sister helped me realize Michelle's boundary was valid since it wasnt about me being the less favourite friend but ratehr how often i made those jokes.

The Platonic Attachment ("Squish")
Another huge reason I felt so heavy after opening up is that, as an aroace person, I experience intense, purely platonic attachments to one specific friend (a "squish"). I crave emotional and physical affection, like wanting to hug Michelle a lot and cuddle. Michelle is pansexual and has a romantic partner, and she views cuddling as strictly romantic. After the joke incident, she became reluctant to hug me unless I asked first, which devastated me, but now she is more comfortable hugging me.

The Lunch Table Anxiety & Envy
After being shut down for the jokes, I developed severe social anxiety and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) at lunch. Whenever her friends would make those exact same freaky jokes, I was terrified to join in because I felt like Michelle would judge or embarrass me.

I want to be like her friend Kathy so bad. Kathy makes those jokes and everyone laughs. Michelle told me it's because she "got to know the real Kathy" first, which makes me wish I had that same history and context. Because I felt like I wasn't allowed to join conversations, I would use my hair to hide my face, go on my phone, and literally sit there sweating from pure panic inside. I worry this gave Michelle the impression that I just didn't want to talk to her.

High school is officially over now, but I still hate myself for how I acted and feel trapped by these feelings. I never had much in common with her like her friends and bf do. I even talked to her about this a month after the conversation and she said it’s ok if I’m anxious and me being is not boring but it feels like the conversation never happened and she ususally only talked to me when I did it once in a while she initiated. she knows about my anxiety and the trauma I have had in friendships but idk I feel like im the only one and I should talk to her again should I?

The Background & Friendship Dynamics
In grade 10 (second semester), I became close friends with a girl named Michelle. At the start of grade 11 (September), I cut off a toxic friend named Jasleen. Around that same time, I started sitting at the lunch table with Michelle and her friends. This group was already fully formed before I arrived, and they are all Asian, which created a bit of a cultural barrier for me since I am not, making it harder to naturally match their chemistry and history.

The Masking & The Misunderstanding
I am aroace (aromatic-asexual) and have ADHD. To try and fit in with the group, I started masking by copying their sense of humor. They would make freaky jokes, so I started making them too, specifically about fictional characters. Because of my ADHD masking, I overdid it and the jokes became my entire personality.

This made Michelle uncomfortable, and she eventually set a boundary, telling me she couldn't tell if I was joking and to keep it to myself. It really hurt, I opened up to her and told her the truth about being aroace and masking. It left me feeling incredibly heavy, sad, and full of regret. My sister helped me realize Michelle's boundary was valid since it wasnt about me being the less favourite friend but ratehr how often i made those jokes.

The Platonic Attachment ("Squish")
Another huge reason I felt so heavy after opening up is that, as an aroace person, I experience intense, purely platonic attachments to one specific friend (a "squish"). I crave emotional and physical affection, like wanting to hug Michelle a lot and cuddle. Michelle is pansexual and has a romantic partner, and she views cuddling as strictly romantic. After the joke incident, she became reluctant to hug me unless I asked first, which devastated me, but now she is more comfortable hugging me.

The Lunch Table Anxiety & Envy
After being shut down for the jokes, I developed severe social anxiety and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) at lunch. Whenever her friends would make those exact same freaky jokes, I was terrified to join in because I felt like Michelle would judge or embarrass me.

I want to be like her friend Kathy so bad. Kathy makes those jokes and everyone laughs. Michelle told me it's because she "got to know the real Kathy" first, which makes me wish I had that same history and context. Because I felt like I wasn't allowed to join conversations, I would use my hair to hide my face, go on my phone, and literally sit there sweating from pure panic inside. I worry this gave Michelle the impression that I just didn't want to talk to her.

High school is officially over now, but I still hate myself for how I acted and feel trapped by these feelings. I never had much in common with her like her friends and bf do. I even talked to her about this a month after the conversation and she said it’s ok if I’m anxious and me being is not boring but it feels like the conversation never happened and she ususally only talked to me when I did it once in a while she initiated. she knows about my anxiety and the trauma I have had in friendships but idk I feel like im the only one and I should talk to her again should I?

I fee like I’m being watched

ok so im still muslim but i disagree with the rules of islam. As muslims even if we dont bring culture into religion the rules are still strict on women when it comes to clothing. For swimming when i was younger i use to be allowed to wear shorts up to my knees with a tshirt for swimming but now im forced to wear full leggings with a t shirt and outside of swimming in the summer im forced to wear a t shirt that wont show my stomach when i lift my arm with thin pants cuz theyre like "oh thin pants are better than shorts cuz they give you shade" like i can wear sunscreen and find shade tyvm. I will sometimes secretly wear shorts udner the thin pamts and tank top under my t shirt and take it off when i am out but i got caught once and am scared i'll get caufght again. when i wear them idk i feel watched cuz we're taught we are being watched under the male gaze and so i still feel a bit slef concious and try not to be. They say stuff like "oh when your older you won't wanna wera clothes like that" and im scared thats true

They dress coded me for wearing a shirt that didn’t cover my ass even tho it was with sweatpants and altho I am still wearing it whether they like it or not and I’m going to the amusement park and you know they made me lift up my arms to make sure no skin was showing aughhhhhhh! no skin showed yet they were like “oh but when you go on the rides your shirt will ride up!” im like dude no one’s gonna pay attention then they’re like “oh that’s nit the point you as a muslim woman should wear modest clothes regardless even if you don’t wear hijab” like stfu your acting like I wore a crop top(altho I wanna). Like I swear to god they Will let me wear short sleeves but can’t handle it if a little bit of skin shows when I lift my arm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NacMh7sAlE&t=445s

The Background & Friendship Dynamics
In grade 10 (second semester), I became close friends with a girl named Michelle. At the start of grade 11 (September), I cut off a toxic friend named Jasleen. Around that same time, I started sitting at the lunch table with Michelle and her friends. This group was already fully formed before I arrived, and they are all Asian, which created a bit of a cultural barrier for me since I am not, making it harder to naturally match their chemistry and history.

The Masking & The Misunderstanding
I am aroace (aromatic-asexual) and have ADHD. To try and fit in with the group, I started masking by copying their sense of humor. They would make freaky jokes, so I started making them too, specifically about fictional characters. Because of my ADHD masking, I overdid it and the jokes became my entire personality.

This made Michelle uncomfortable, and she eventually set a boundary, telling me she couldn't tell if I was joking and to keep it to myself. It really hurt, I opened up to her and told her the truth about being aroace and masking. It left me feeling incredibly heavy, sad, and full of regret. My sister helped me realize Michelle's boundary was valid since it wasnt about me being the less favourite friend but ratehr how often i made those jokes.

The Platonic Attachment ("Squish")
Another huge reason I felt so heavy after opening up is that, as an aroace person, I experience intense, purely platonic attachments to one specific friend (a "squish"). I crave emotional and physical affection, like wanting to hug Michelle a lot and cuddle. Michelle is pansexual and has a romantic partner, and she views cuddling as strictly romantic. After the joke incident, she became reluctant to hug me unless I asked first, which devastated me, but now she is more comfortable hugging me.

The Lunch Table Anxiety & Envy
After being shut down for the jokes, I developed severe social anxiety and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) at lunch. Whenever her friends would make those exact same freaky jokes, I was terrified to join in because I felt like Michelle would judge or embarrass me.

I want to be like her friend Kathy so bad. Kathy makes those jokes and everyone laughs. Michelle told me it's because she "got to know the real Kathy" first, which makes me wish I had that same history and context. Because I felt like I wasn't allowed to join conversations, I would use my hair to hide my face, go on my phone, and literally sit there sweating from pure panic inside. I worry this gave Michelle the impression that I just didn't want to talk to her.

High school is officially over now, but I still hate myself for how I acted and feel trapped by these feelings. I never had much in common with her like her friends and bf do 

I am currently taking a gap year and using this time to explore university programs that specialize in human sexuality. I am very interested in the Gender and Sexuality Studies (GSXS) program at the University of Calgary.

As I plan my future studies, I want to ensure the curriculum aligns with my academic interests. Specifically, I am interested in exploring how the interaction between nature (prenatal factors) and nurture (life experiences and trauma) shapes sexual fluidity. Does the GSXS curriculum actively address this dynamic?

Dude my sister keeps telling me how some women said they turned lesbian after trauma from men and it makes me feel so sad cuz i wanna prove them wrong!

My sister keeps saying “Oh some people choose to be gay cuz they’re influenced”

Sometimes my sister will say “oh being gay isn’t a choice“ other times she’ll say “being gay is unnatural only a man and woman can feel attraction for each other and SOME gay people chose to be attracted to same sex” which is not fucken possible btw cuz that’s like saying you choose your emotions!!!

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

Ok so for swimming I am only allowed to wear a t shirt and leggings but since my mom dropped me off I took off my shirt and swam in just a bra and leggings although what should the next step be.

Ok so I am 17F and still live with my parents altho I just graduated high school but am taking a gap year so hopefully I’ll be allowed to live in a dorm next year but I doubt it since my dad‘s financial situation is bad and so i wouldn’t bank on it. Anyways I was watching a lesbian Thai drqma on Netflix called “Affair” and the title screen showed the 2 girls almost kissing and my parents can see the recently watched shows and see how much I watched. BTW my dad put age restrictions on it even tho I’m almost 18 cuz he assuemd me and my sister watched inappropeaiate stuff on it. And so my mom came up to me and said “you shouldn’t watch shows with such storylines.” Like tf im liter aroace I tried to be into both genders my whole life and it never worked cuz sexuality is CLEARLY NOT A CHOICE. I mean sure scientists don’t really know the cause of it but it’s a mix of nature and nurture and the nurture part is not choice or trauma from opposite sex like that is proven. Then my mom says “I know your not gay but when you consume content like this people make bad decisions and it’s just not good to watch stuff that we as Muslims don’t support!” like what bad decisions I’m not into women nor is it a choice altho if it was a choice I would wanna be lesbian.

Ok so I’m muslim (I hope that’s ok), but I disagree with a lot of rules of islam so I will talk about one of them. I still live in my muslim parents house and so I need to make sure to not get caught breaking any rules of islam ughhhhh!!! Im not forced to wear hijab or burqa but they still expect me to dress modestly but one time what happened was that I was walking at a park close to my house with a family friend and she doesn’t care what I wear and so I was wearing short shorts and a tshirt that covered my shorts then suddenly I didnt even realize that my sister was walking in my direction and she caught me and yelled at me as I ran behind a tree and took my pants out of the bag to put on over my shorts. After that she told on me and I wasn’t allowed to go out myself or with friends unless it’s family friends or my family members are with me for the whole summer break. All i had to hear was lectures on why we dress modestly as women and they kept saying stuff like “oh just wear thin loose pants like they give you shade” like TF that makes me even hotter cuz it’s on my fucken body so I would rather bring an umbrella and wear sunscreen than layer. They kept also saying “oh you need to dres a modestly for god and so that men don’t stare at you” like that’s a them problem. its so unfair that muslim men can walk around shirtless and wear shorts not us. Then my mom starts saying “oh but in media usually women sexualize themselves by wearing bikinis while men are in suits”

The Background & Friendship Dynamics
In grade 10 (second semester), I became close friends with a girl named Michelle. At the start of grade 11 (September), I cut off a toxic friend named Jasleen. Around that same time, I started sitting at the lunch table with Michelle and her friends. This group was already fully formed before I arrived, and they are all Asian, which created a bit of a cultural barrier for me since I am not, making it harder to naturally match their chemistry and history.

The Masking & The Misunderstanding
I am aroace (aromatic-asexual) and have ADHD. To try and fit in with the group, I started masking by copying their sense of humor. They would make freaky jokes, so I started making them too, specifically about fictional characters. Because of my ADHD masking, I overdid it and the jokes became my entire personality.

This made Michelle uncomfortable, and she eventually set a boundary, telling me she couldn't tell if I was joking and to keep it to myself. It really hurt, I opened up to her and told her the truth about being aroace and masking. It left me feeling incredibly heavy, sad, and full of regret. My sister helped me realize Michelle's boundary was valid since it wasnt about me being the less favourite friend but ratehr how often i made those jokes.

The Platonic Attachment ("Squish")
Another huge reason I felt so heavy after opening up is that, as an aroace person, I experience intense, purely platonic attachments to one specific friend (a "squish"). I crave emotional and physical affection, like wanting to hug Michelle a lot and cuddle. Michelle is pansexual and has a romantic partner, and she views cuddling as strictly romantic. After the joke incident, she became reluctant to hug me unless I asked first, which devastated me, but now she is more comfortable hugging me.

The Lunch Table Anxiety & Envy
After being shut down for the jokes, I developed severe social anxiety and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) at lunch. Whenever her friends would make those exact same freaky jokes, I was terrified to join in because I felt like Michelle would judge or embarrass me.

I want to be like her friend Kathy so bad. Kathy makes those jokes and everyone laughs. Michelle told me it's because she "got to know the real Kathy" first, which makes me wish I had that same history and context. Because I felt like I wasn't allowed to join conversations, I would use my hair to hide my face, go on my phone, and literally sit there sweating from pure panic inside. I worry this gave Michelle the impression that I just didn't want to talk to her.

High school is officially over now, but I still hate myself for how I acted and feel trapped by these feelings. I never had much in common with her like her friends and bf do and so i feel so devasted like im crying my eyes out now and i cant even listen to songs i use to listen to in the beginning of the year.

Ok so all of high school i have been secretly wearing crop tops to school and shorts to biking (altjo got caught one time). So 2 weeks ago i had prom then before that was the cermony. GOD THE JEOILOUSY I FELT WHEN I SAW GIRLS ESPECIALLY MY FRIENDS WHO WORE BAGGY CLOTHES ALL YEAR LONG FINALLY SHOW UP IN REVEALING CLOTHES FOR PROM. I was so sad but i knew my parents would catch me so for the grad cermony i wore a long dress that covered all my skin ecept for hands, neck face and hair(since im not hijabi). Then for prom oh boy they tried to convince me to wear a pakistani dres then when i refused they said we can look in trhe prom store but they said all were revealing so they would have to fix it and i refused and so i had to wear my sisters hand me down! I HATED SEEING ALL THE BAGGY CLOTH GIRLIES WEAR REVELAING CLTHES ON PROM AND WISHED I COUDL DO THAT CUZ I WAS THE CROP TOP GIRLIE WEARING A MODEST DRESS!!!! Yes i did think of a backu dress but also my dress was gonna take a long time to yank off and i was too lazy so i told myself "its ok itrs just one night, you can wear what you wnat when you move out." altho i am taking a gap year to improvemy grades i hope i can move out after, if not, maybe when i have a job. Honestly whgenever i tried to tell my parents i dont wanna dres modestly they say, "just because you took of the hijab doesnt giev you the irght to be half naked" and they also say, "in islam men are told to lower thneir gaze before wwomen are told to cover up." can you back me up on whta argument i coudl use to explain why its still unafir even tho men are told to lower their gaze before women are told to cover up

I identify as aroace (17 year old girl) right now because I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction no matter how much i force it but there's a huge story behind it so lemme get into it.

I was raised in a religious muslim household where premarital sex was forbidden or even dating or talking to boys was discouraged as it would lead to sex and so I went by it. But having feelings was ok. When i got to grade 8, everyone was having crushes or at leats it was the age my sisters had crushes (theyre older than me) and so there was this one guy that i forced myself to have a crush on but didnt work and like it was the same time i watched sailor moon and i found tuxedo mask very handsome but didnt think of being in a relatiosnhip or sex with him in fact i didnt even know what sex was cuz i wasnt allowed to know (embarrasing right?). Anyways, ya so i reliazed i hadn't had crushes on guys ever which made me so anxious. Then one day when i was being dropped off to school and my mom ands sister were talkinga bout how lgbtq is on the rise and they said it was a choice and so i started to fear i was gay and started having intrusive thoughts of women to the point where anytime i saw a woman thsoe intrusie thoughts woudl come up and i would start crying. Soon winter break came and i was happy i could finally be free from school for 2 weeks. But then when i was scrolling on netflix i saw some lesbian shows and that amd ethe intruisve thoughts come up and i was telliung msyelf im not gay. But i also use to make my barbies scissor and seearch up women in bikinis and princess and daisy porn. One day i watched a movei with my sister where it showed a woman naked (well no priavets were shwon) but i got arosued by it like and i coudlnt sto thinking about it then i looked up women in bikinis again to test it and got aroused again and made my barbies scissor again. It felt so good but then i repressed it and siaid it was wronga dn id didnt even know if it was genuine sexual attraction oir just arousal cuz i wasnt use to seeing women in tiny bikinis. I was always told to dress mosdestly and not watch videos of women in super reveasling clothes cuz my parents thought i woudl get influenced to wear taht too. But it didnt feel like i was influenced liek i just felt aroused by a female body andn i may have had thoughts of touching it or rubnbing it against mine but i didnt think of vsex cuz i didnt know what it was but idk if it was cuz i wasnt use to seeing women in bikinis or sexual attraction. But then i repressec it so well to the point where it stopped happening. so did the repression just desenstive me to it which is why i no longer fel arousal or am i geuniely aroace and i was only aeroused cuz i wasnt use gto seeinh women bodies. pls  I HATE UNCERTAINTY, I WANT ANSWERS NOW.

I have never dated before and I can't asking for reassurance.