u/Mgee07

Hey y‘all. I‘m new here. I wanted to get some things off my chest, since I‘m currently trying to figure out my life out.

I‘m 22 years old from Germany. I always loved cameras. I can remember when I first held one in my hand. I was so fascinated. I literally filmed everything I could find. My first videos were actually Lego stop motion clips.

I‘ve been releasing self produced short films with my best friend on YouTube since roughly 3-4 years now. Our channel isn‘t „Big“. 2.9k subscribers. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t make a living from these numbers. We do pretty much everything on our own. Writing, directing, filming, acting, sound design and editing. I‘m usually always directing and behind the camera, while my friend is acting in front of the camera. I love telling stories and capturing them. The only „budget“ we have is our own money. We specially mostly on horror.

We both work in part time jobs so we can have enough time to chase after this seemingly unrealistic dream. This is where the „figuring out my life“ part comes in. Chasing after a dream that doesn’t feel realistic while still living at home, when I „should“ be working full time, building my life feels.. well, not good. The majority of my friends (I only have 3) is doing exactly that. Building their future. This comparison is killing me. I know I shouldn’t do that, but can you really ignore this? They‘ve all been my friends since I can think, so yeah.. But that’s off topic, sorry.

What I‘m trying to say is: I‘m struggling. Filmmaking is my passion. That’s what I live and burn for. It quite literally is the only thing I‘d consider myself somewhat good in. Working full time employed somewhere, for someone else’s dreams feels so wrong and pointless to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even think of complaining about this, please don‘t get me wrong.

We managed to qualify in a local film festival later this year. This is by far the biggest achievement yet. We are working pretty much everyday, creating new things, writing emails to festivals and just trying everything we can.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad. Like I said, I‘m from Germany so English isn’t my native language.

Much love and thank you for reading!
- Marcel <3

Hey y‘all. This is a follow up to my „one year with urticaria“ post roughly 90 days ago. My perception of this illness changed a lot. I changed a lot.

It all began on the 21st of March last year, at exactly 6pm, because this was the time I took the first picture of my first hive. I rushed to the hospital a few hours later, since it spread over my whole body. The doctor told me „Probably just an allergic reaction. Here, take this cortisone and it‘ll disappear soon“. And it actually did… until it reappeared the next day. I went to several doctors and dermatologists. None of them knew what it was or what was causing my condition. Several months of me not knowing what on earth was wrong with me. This summer was the worst time of my life so far. I developed a severe health anxiety (already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, so I wasn’t surprised). I thought I‘d get a heart attack everyday. Checking and listening into my body 24/7. Last years summer months merged into a big blurry mess, my brain doesn’t want to remember.

The day everything got better, was the day I finally decided to visit a mental health clinic. I learned so much in my stay, even though I was only visiting for about a week and a half. Around that time I also finally found a dermatologist who actually listened to me. She was the one diagnosing me with spontaneous chronic urticaria. I managed to climb out of that hole around December last year. I think I reached that „Okay. I‘m finally accepting my illness. It no longer affects me.“ stage last week. I had my last check up for a potential reason behind it last Tuesday. Negative. I won’t ever know what exactly is causing it. I checked for a hidden sinus infection, a hidden infection in my teeth, I went to the gastrologist and rheumatologist. Nothing. And that’s fine. It’s actually good. It’s nothing worse that’s causing it.

I‘m on fexofenadinhydrochlorid 240mg daily. Two pills of 120mg. One after waking up, one before going to sleep. I‘m pretty much 90% hives free. My dermatologist told me I‘m super lucky to be hives free with such a low amount of medication. And I‘m unbelievably thankful for that. She also told me this one sentence „I promise you, no urticaria is lifelong. It will go away. And you are safe with your medication.“ This was the moment I finally realized it. I‘m okay.

I want to spread hope with this post. You are able to get through there. Never ever give up. Go to your doctors. If you get rejected, try another one. Do some research. Try to eliminate potential causes. Talk to people. And most importantly.. ENJOY LIFE. SAY F YOU TO URTICARIA. Go after your hobbies. Chase your dreams, because that’s what I‘m doing. I want to be a filmmaker. Take risks.

I‘ve went through several nights full of panic attacks, breakdowns, self harm and suicidal thoughts. You are never alone in this fight. If you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. At any time.

I made a YouTube video a few months back titled „ANXIETY - My story with Urticaria“, where I talk more about my story.

Excuse this messy post. Hope my English wasn’t too bad. I‘m from Germany an English isn’t my mothers language.

Much love to everyone❤️
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.

I‘ve been diagnosed with my anxiety disorder for a few years now. I went to see several therapists, a few group therapies and a mental health clinic. My anxiety contains a variety of different facets. Spreading from social anxiety, abandonment issues, all the way to health anxiety. I was always scared of pretty much everything new. Especially in school. I hated school. I got bullied for three years and never really felt comfortable.

I‘d like to share some thoughts about what’s currently going on in my life. I feel like I need to vent a lil. But maybe people feel similar. Feel free to comment whatever goes though your head.

-Venting starts here-
I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I was watching „Obsession“ in the cinema lately. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.

I‘ve been diagnosed with my anxiety disorder for a few years now. I went to see several therapists, a few group therapies and a mental health clinic. My anxiety contains a variety of different facets. Spreading from social anxiety, abandonment issues, all the way to health anxiety. I was always scared of pretty much everything new. Especially in school. I hated school. I got bullied for three years and never really felt comfortable.

I‘d like to share some thoughts about what’s currently going on in my life. I feel like I need to vent a lil. But maybe people feel similar. Feel free to comment whatever goes though your head.

-Venting starts here-
I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I was watching „Obsession“ in the cinema lately. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.

I‘ve been diagnosed with my anxiety disorder for a few years now. I went to see several therapists, a few group therapies and a mental health clinic. My anxiety contains a variety of different facets. Spreading from social anxiety, abandonment issues, all the way to health anxiety. I was always scared of pretty much everything new. Especially in school. I hated school. I got bullied for three years and never really felt comfortable.

I‘d like to share some thoughts about what’s currently going on in my life. I feel like I need to vent a lil. But maybe people feel similar. Feel free to comment whatever goes though your head.

-Venting starts here-
I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.
I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘ve been diagnosed with my anxiety disorder for a few years now. I went to see several therapists, a few group therapies and a mental health clinic. My anxiety contains a variety of different facets. Spreading from social anxiety, abandonment issues, all the way to health anxiety. I was always scared of pretty much everything new. Especially in school. I hated school. I got bullied for three years and never really felt comfortable.

I‘d like to share some thoughts about what’s currently going on in my life. I feel like I need to vent a lil. But maybe people feel similar. Feel free to comment whatever goes though your head.

-Venting starts here-
I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.
I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.
I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.
I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

-REPOST-

New here. Just getting some things off my chest.
I’m scared. Scared of my future life.

I‘m 22, feeling more lost than ever before. There is this one dream sitting in my head for a couple of years now: making movies. I was always so excited about telling stories, using cameras and just creating stuff. I‘m actually uploading self produced short films to YouTube with my best friend. We have a „small“ channel with about 2.9k subs. I know that’s not nothing, but we can’t do that for a living. I‘m pouring everything I got into this. I love creating. It‘s my passion and just such a big part of my life. I want to be able to live from that. I want to make movies for the big screens. I want to reach people, to inspire them and to put something memorable on the screen.

I‘m currently working a part time job, so I can have enough time, to follow this dream. Even though it feels pointless and unrealistic. Maybe that’s why it hadn’t really worked out yet. Because I don’t feel like this actually could become my reality at some day.
But that’s the main „problem“ I‘m having at my current point in life. I feel like I should be building my future, working in a proper 9to5 job, earning real money, moving out and stuff like that. But maybe I am currently building my life by investing in my dream? I feel like the majority of my fiends (I only have 3) is way ahead of me. They are moving out, getting into 9to5 jobs, building their futures. I do not want to commit to a 9to5 job just yet. It feels like giving up on my dream, but at the same time it feels just… not possible.

Working a regular 9to5 feels like wasting my life away. I don’t want to work for someone else’s vision or dream. I want to decide when and on what I‘m working on. I want to decide when I wake up and go to sleep. This „regular“ day to day work life feels so strange, inhuman and pressuring to me. I know I‘m super privileged to even be thinking about complaining about this. Please don’t get me wrong on this. I‘m also aware that my problems might be very small and unwarranted in some ways. But that’s just how I‘m feeling for a longer time now. Scared of life. Scared of my future.

I just got home from watching „Obsession“ in the cinema. This movie was amazing and very inspiring in the way that it was made by a YouTuber with a relatively „small“ budget. So it is possible. But yeah.. idk if anyone can relate to what I‘m saying.

Sorry for this really messy and unstructured post. I hope my English wasn’t too bad, I‘m from Germany and English isn’t my mothers language.

I‘m wishing you all the best and much love <3
- Marcel

Hey y‘all. I‘m Marcel, 22 years old from Germany. I honestly don’t know how to start, harder than I thought ^^“

So.. my dream is and always was to become a filmmaker. I‘m now actively uploading self produced short films together with my best friend on our youtube channel Leiram.

Doing this stuff is where I find happiness. Our channel sits at 2.9k subs. I know this isn’t a lot for three years. But it‘s something I guess. But it’s frustrating honestly. I‘m not made for the „conventional“ 9 to 5 working week. I‘m battling depression and a severe anxiety disorder. It feels like I already know what my purpose in life is, but I can’t live it, because it‘s nothing I can do for a living.

I managed to get in contact with the ceo of a local cinema. She also is friends with a guy who runs a local film festival. She told me I should definitely send in one of our unreleased fin projects. She said she could really see it being accepted there. Almost been three weeks now without a response. I know it takes time, but it’s just so draining. I constantly check my emails and messages. I just want to know what’s up. Even if they don’t accept it, I just want to know.

Currently working in a part time job. I‘m using every free second I have working on my dream. Which is a privilege on its own, I know. But it’s still exhausting. I just want to achieve bigger things. Which feels so unbelievably unrealistic to me. But at the same time it kinda doesn’t.

Sorry for this mess of a text, very unstructured I know. Wishing you all the best.

• Marcel <3