u/MudRemarkable732

i swear to god, the only demographic that routinely isn't into me is my demographic (asian americans.) the only two asians who have shown a reciprocal interest to me are baddies who grew up in asian countries (china and korea, respectively.)

out of every asian american woman who i've pursued, most of them don't date other asians, and they ended up with a non-asian after i pursued them.

i do just fine with other demographics. i am a catch, if i say so myself. but it's so frustrating, feeling shut out of the community i want to love most.

i want to shake them and shout that their internalized racism is so obvious. why would i feel like "a sibling" to them? all we have in common is our race. and there's billions of asians, lol.

now im over here feeling like an idiot for wanting too much or caring too much...

the post in question

i'll update you guys ...

ugh, don't like being in this situation.

we are both bisexual. they have dated women before. i have hooked up with women before but not really had feelings. for some reason, me being interested in my friend romantically feels really gross of me. i know it's internalized homophobia, but another part of it is, i have never liked when male friends confessed feelings for me and i worry i'm doing the same thing to our dynamic.

i get a flirty vibe in our friendship and i have no idea how to read into it. they do things to me that seem flirty, but then they pull away. i would love to hook up with them and cuddle with them and kiss and hold hands just for a short time, even if we can't date. there's a number of reasons why i'm not sure if we would work as a couple. one of them is that they live across the country and we only see each other once every few months. the other is that i feel we have different relationship needs. but i'd be happy even with just a kiss, mostly to confirm that i was right about our vibes.

to be honest, i dont know if i ever felt "just like friends" towards them. i always thought they were really hot, even when we first met. lol. but it didn't turn romantic until later.

i want to tell them something, because it's getting to the point where i'm torn up about it, and freaking out/getting nervous and jealous whenever they tell me about whatever cute person they met that day.

if i was being fully honest, i'd spill my heart out and be like "I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU. I'VE BEEN INTO YOU SINCE THE DAY I MET YOU, YEARS AGO." but i don't want to come on so strong.

i want to say something like, "i know we are friends, but to be honest, i still get a homo vibe sometimes and i would like to explore that. im sorry if this freaks you out."

the issue with this is, it doesn't really capture how invested i am, and how heartbroken i will be if they say no. and if they do, i will crash out to an extent that they are surprised by. which will be embarassing for me. and we have plans to travel together for a couple days next month. rip

maybe i'll add: "i think our friendship is very special and i usually would not want to violate that unless i am seeing clear signs. the only reason i am bringing this up is because first of all i realized i am pretty bad at detecting clear signs. second of all, it's gotten to the point where i crash out a bit when i hear u expressing interest in other people." but then that also kind of reveals how down bad i am.

this is half a cry for help, half just a vent. i always heard about bi people having homoromantic friendships that change their brain chemistry, but i didn't have those. this is because for much of my life, i was only physically attracted to women. this is now happening to me. it's really hard for me and i am struggling. i feel like i have betrayed them by not being honest about my feelings for a while. and i feel silly for being the "secretly lovesick 'best friend'," a dynamic i have been on the other side of before, that made me super uncomfortable, and that i swore i'd never do to anyone else.