u/No_Amoeba_3777

I am living in government houses made for the homeless people. The condition is very bad. Toilets are very unhygenic and the bed is uncomfortable. But since, i got kicked out from my house. I guess this is the only option left for me. I honestly have no clue how am i going to move forward with this. I think i should go to mathura or varanasi. There are plenty of options. I can survive there because there are so many NGO's and they have religious institutions such as iskcon temple which are willing to provide shelter to homeless. I would find a place for myself. I have limited amount of money in my bank account. Very limited amount of cash with me. This can keep me warm for i don't know how many more days. I made a mutton biryani today myself. I should be careful with what i am eating because i have financial restraints. I cannot spend carelessly on food. I know one thing that i will survive this because i feel that i have guardian angel with me. I have God with me that's what people call him. I know that nothing is going to happen to me. The only thing which is bothering me right now is the miserable condition of the room in which i am living. Rest everything is fine.

I got kicked out by my parents from the house. Today, i had a very heated arguments with them and in which they cussed me and said that," They regret having me". They said that they don't want to keep me anymore because i don't meet up to their expectations and they said that i should live on my own. It's good they kicked me out from the house. I made a promise to myself that i will never return back to my home. I am dead for them. I knew that this was going to happen sooner. I was already prepared. Now, i need to find shelter for myself and some food. They also deleted all my childhood pictures from their smartphones. They disowned me now i don't have any parents. Now, i am on the path of renunciation and abandonment of this world. I was getting indictions from too long that something like this is going to happen with me.

I got kicked out by my parents from the house. Today, i had a very heated arguments with them and in which they cussed me and said that," They regret having me". They said that they don't want to keep me anymore because i don't meet up to their expectations and they said that i should live on my own. It's good they kicked me out from the house. I made a promise to myself that i will never return back to my home. I am dead for them. I knew that this was going to happen sooner. I was already prepared. Now, i need to find shelter for myself and some food. They also deleted all my childhood pictures from their smartphones. They disowned me now i don't have any parents. Now, i am on the path of renunciation and abandonment of this world. I was getting indictions from too long that something like this is going to happen with me.

I know this will not be easy because I was born into a good family and I was always surrounded by luxuries, had cars around me and other conveniences. My family falls into the category of upper middle class that means we have access to every facilities. I have never lived a life like that of a monk. I have observed it through reading and watching only.

I know that this will not be an easy task. It's not easy to get out of the comfort zone. The life which I am living right now is safe and secured but I don't know what is waiting for me on this path of renunciation. I have no interest left in materialistic things; it is the reason for my low self-esteem and confidence. There is always a constant chase of achieving something even when my heart and mind does not want it. I think these are the side effects of living in the society. There will always be an expectation factor by parents or someone else. If we don't meet up to that expectation we might get ostracized from the society. People evaluate someone's worth based on the net worth, facial attractiveness, or any other things but I think that it is not right.

I feel like the peace is in solitude. The peace is in serenity and solace. Not in the daily chaos of life. Desperation to be able to meet the standards of the society. The constant struggle to achieve an unrealistic goal in order to exist in a society. Some people feel existential crisis because of it because they get ignored by people because they don't have money with them. They don't have connections. What about those people? I think they're the one's who walk on this path. The people who have been neglected by the society who have been expelled by the society because of it. Or the people who had a bad past and is struggling at present. This is my current state though money is not a problem for me.

I had a miserable childhood and multiple traumas as I was growing. Even though those did not look or sound good but I think that they have affected me deeply from inside. They have wounded me internally. I saw how kids are forced to go to school as if they are robots. They have been programmed this way. The situation at government schools and colleges are even worse. I don't know how kids deal with the pressure. We are supposed to do things as established by the society. We must get education, then get a job, then get married, then have children. Why can't we live life according to our will? This stemmed because society has been indoctrinated that way. They think that it is the best way of living.

The questions which I ask daily to myself:

What am I doing on Earth?

What is the purpose of my life?

Why are things the way it appear?

Why are we even existing in this world?

My brain is fogged with all this nonsense materialistic things. I need rest and I like to be alone. Maybe I am just overthinking about it too much. I am a follower of Osho and Subhas Chandra Bose. One song has deeply touched my heart and I have been hearing it from long time. It is a song composed in Bengali which was sung by Rabindranath Tagore "Akla chalo re". This means walk alone if no one walks with you. I have been walking alone searching for the meaning and purpose of my life. Hopefully, I will find it one day. This is a fake world and everyone is carrying a facade. In future, I am going to read about the books written by these legendary people such as Rabindranath Tagore and other books. I will try to read it. I don't understand why today's generation don't support the people who live a simple minimalistic life. I believe in one more thing that "We came to this world alone and we will go from this world alone". I fail to understand why some people are even chasing after the relationship. Why do people care about someone's opinion?

I have already passed my golden days when i did not had to do anything. I did not had any stress or depression. But as i am growing old, i have the stress of what to do in my life. I have to make some big decisions. I don't know if i am ready for that or not. I have undergone so many changes physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like i am losing my innocence. I am losing the child inside me. I am losing the curosity inside me to try different things. It's such a terrible feeling which i get everyday when i wake up. I find myself old every single day. I am 19 and i am going to turn 20 this year and i don't have any hapiness. All i have is the regret of growing older and i know that time is not something in my control.

I would not have been able to say this to anyone because of the fear of judgment and i am very bad at expressing my emotions. This app is perfect to vent out the frustation, thoughts and emotions concealed inside your mind.

I know that i will never be 12 again. I am getting old each passing day and i am scared of what is going to happen in the future. I have anxiety issue i cannot sleep at the night. Negative thoughts come to my mind when i am alone. No matter how hard i try to be a child but i cannot truely become like one because i am already way past that point.

I remember the last day of my school. It was heartbreaking because i did not enjoy my school life to the fullest. I did not had any friends. I was a clown in eyes of my classmates. No one liked to talk with me. But those days were comforting. I felt secure which i don't feel anymore after i passed out from school. It's been 2 years since i pass out and i am right now in 2nd year of college.

I have already passed my golden days when i did not had to do anything. I did not had any stress or depression. But as i am growing old, i have the stress of what to do in my life. I have to make some big decisions. I don't know if i am ready for that or not. I have undergone so many changes physically, mentally and emotionally. I feel like i am losing my innocence. I am losing the child inside me. I am losing the curosity inside me to try different things. It's such a terrible feeling which i get everyday when i wake up. I find myself old every single day. I am 19 and i am going to turn 20 this year and i don't have any hapiness. All i have is the regret of growing older and i know that time is not something in my control.

I would not have been able to say this to anyone because of the fear of judgment and i am very bad at expressing my emotions. This app is perfect to vent out the frustation, thoughts and emotions concealed inside your mind.

I know that i will never be 12 again. I am getting old each passing day and i am scared of what is going to happen in the future. I have anxiety issue i cannot sleep at the night. Negative thoughts come to my mind when i am alone. No matter how hard i try to be a child but i cannot truely become like one because i am already way past that point.

I remember the last day of my school. It was heartbreaking because i did not enjoy my school life to the fullest. I did not had any friends. I was a clown in eyes of my classmates. No one liked to talk with me. But those days were comforting. I felt secure which i don't feel anymore after i passed out from school. It's been 2 years since i pass out and i am right now in 2nd year of college.

I am 19M and i am seeing some changes in my body recently. I feel sleepy whole day even when i have slept good at night. I feel lazy and don't feel like doing anything. It was not the case before but since i am at college these things started occurring. My gut health remains poor everytime i eat something i have to go to washroom. I feel low all the time. It cannot be because of the cigarette and i don't do anything else than that.

​Currently, i am not undergoing any major depression just some mood swings but this have persisted ever since i pass out from the school. It's the sense of despondence and melancholy that gripped me. When i was at school the situation seems to be controlled but as soon as i am at college the situation seems to be out of my control. My emotional sensitivity to things have increased. I get much more emotional compared to my past.

​And i am growing taller at 19. I have recently got taller by inch or two at 19. People say that boys stop growing after 18 but i don't understand what is happening with me. Is it a sign of some disorder or problem??

Everyone is doing the same things. 1) Go to school 2) Go to college 3) Get a job) 4) Buy a car 5) Buy a house. Most of the people here are chasing for these things. They prioritize a comfortable safe lifestyle over the one which is uncertain and unpredictable. Very few people in this world can renounce materialistic desires. Those people are very rare to found. Very few people in this world can actually go in that direction because the path of renounciation is not for everyone. I give you a scenario imagine this way. These people are the one's who are truely blessed because they did not do the same things as some other.

Becoming a monk might be difficult but once you become one you not have any interest in materialistic world and desires. Monks only have one goal that is to attain the god and salvation. I beleive that life is much more serene and peaceful. A monk generally lives around the nature. He does not have to worry about his/her family and does not has any job tension or stress. They live on natural plant based food. They eat fresh fruits. That's the reason why they stay healthy and able to mediatate for longer period of time.

The time has changed nowadays monks are fake. They don't have that spiritual strength in them like the sadhu's and yogi's of the past. Now, everything is revolving around social media. All they want is money, fame and power nothing more. But the true saint/monk is someone who doesn't care about these things. I think that kumbh Mela is also used as the weapon by many for popularity. Kumbh mela has become joke. People are polluting Ganga river. Making cringe reels in the kumbh mela.

It's very hard to find the real one and one more things many youngsters don't even beleive all this. They think that this is all bs and sh\\\*t. Famous examples: Devraha Baba, Nem karoli Baba, Sai baba. These were the true monks. I recommend everyone to read their biography and their miracles. You can rarely find those people nowadays they had that magnetic personality their charismatic aura which is hard to find in today's religious guru's.

These two are the life saver for me when i feel extremely low in my life and when i don't feel like doing anything. I order food from swiggy and drive my car to some isolated place where i set up food and then i enjoy eating it and smoking at the same time. I have recently brought cigar for myself. I did not like it personally. I think normal cigeratte is better than cigar. I have also tried hookah with strawberry flavour and chocolate one. I did like it personally would recommend it to everyone.

I usually order mutton korma, kebabs and mughlai paratha, biryani. I always have my luggage in the car whenever i need to go somewhere urgently. In that luggage, i have clothes for few days. In case, i have to go somewhere fore few weeks. This is a therapy for me cigeratte and non veg and little songs. I don't masterbate cuz i get guilty feeling after that. So, that's why i avoid it.

Nevertheless, i am going to abroad after graduation so i am trying to pass my time as much as i can. I am giving full efforts in studies to get a good CGPA overall. After that, i am on my own. I can do whatever i want. Right now, i am under the suspicion. My dad is basard he slapped me one day for smoking. I took my car and then i returned two days later.

As everyone knows, today was the day of the board results declaration for ICSE and ISC. I feel like this is the worst day for any child because they know they're going to get scolded by their parents if they did not get a good percentage. It's a day of misery for children.

​My sister's results were declared and honestly, she is traumatized right now because my parents won't stop taunting her and passing mean comments. It's okay to not score well. Not everyone is good at studies, and this is very tough to let Indian parents know about. Indian society is the most toxic society which ever existed in the world. Relatives call right after the board results, and they try to insult other parents.

​I am sharing this with great sorrow and agony because I have been in that same situation two years ago when I was in school. School life was hell for me. I was pressurized to score well in my boards. I never passed any exams before boards and I failed in all subjects in pre-boards. My parents kept on scolding me and lecturing me to study without going anywhere, as if I was imprisoned. I used to get beaten for failing in my exams. I did not have any interest in studies. I have always been carefree. I was lost in my own imagination. I used to sit in a trance-like state. I still remember that I was beaten badly by my parents with slippers and they even ripped my clothes after I failed in class 9th. Those days were awful. 😢😢

​Today, again those horrors came back to me because the same thing is being repeated with my sister. The only difference is that she doesn't get beaten up because she is a girl. That's the reason why I question my existence to God. I request God to bring me back to heaven because earth is not the right place for me. I have made up my mind that I am going abroad after graduation or to some different state from where my parents reside. I cannot live with them anymore.

​I have never understood what's there to brag about when it comes to a child's percentage. It does not prove that they're more proficient. It does not prove anything. Regardless of that, they brag about percentage. This is the reason Indian society and parents will never progress. Even if the country progresses, the mindset of the parents will remain the same.

As everyone know today was the day of board declaration of icse and isc. I feel like this is the worst day for any child because they know that they're going to get scolded by their parents if they did not get good percentage. It's a day of misery for children's. My sister results was declared and honestly she is traumatized right now because my parents won't stop taunting her and passing mean comments. It's okay to not score well. Not everyone is good at studies and this is very tough to let indian parents know about this. Indian society is the most toxic society which ever existed in world. Relatives call come after the board results and they try to insult other parents.

I am sharing this with great sorrow and agony. Cuz i have been in that same situation two years ago when i was in school. School life was hell for me. I was pressurized to score well in my boards. I never passed any exams before boards and i failed in all subjects in pre-boards. My parents they kept on scolding me and lecturing me to study without going to anywhere. As if i was imprisioned. I used to get beated for failing in my exams. I did not had any interest in studies. I have always been carefree. I was lost in my own imagination. I used to sit in a trance like state. I still remember that i was beaten badly by my parents with slippers and he even ripped my clothes after i failed in class 9th. Those days were awful. 😢😢

Today, again those horrors came back to me because the same thing is repeated with my sister. The only difference is that she doesn't get beaten up cuz she is a girl. That's the reason why i question my existence to God. I request God to bring me back to heaven because earth is not a right place for me. I have made up my mind that i am going to abroad after graduation or to some different state from where my parents reside. I cannot live with them anymore.

I have never understood what's there to brag about the percentage of children's. It does not prove that they're more proficient. It does not prove anything. Regardless, of that they brag about percentage. This is the reason Indian society and parents will never progress. Even if the country's progresses the mindset of the parents will remain the same.

It's better to die fighting in the wars then dying everyday living as a civilian. I think the life of a soldier is much more respected and honorable. I don't care about myself and i don't have any emotions left for anyone. After all, the traumas i had in my past and bad relationship with my classmates. They bullied me and made fun of me. They did not respected me enough. I want to gain that respect back. I am not a materialistic person and i am selfless and carefree person. I hate society and people. I am ready to sacrifice myself in the way. I won't hesitate to do that. Atleast, i will get some recognition and praise for my work. Everyone was rude and mean to me. No one came to help me when i was in trouble. I don't need anyone in this world. Honestly, i feel that sacrificing one's life is greater than any sacrifice in the world. I will die protecting my nation. That's something glorious and worth considering. I don't want to live a hollow life with fake people around me. I am not made for glamour and media. Although, a lot of few comment that," I have very good facial features". I should try acting but i felt that being an actor is no achievement because practically everyone wants the fame and money but i am not chasing after those things. I am a different person.