u/Ok_Holiday2094

Bonjour à tous, j’espère que vous allez bien.
Je suis une femme de 29 ans, diagnostiquée autiste à 27 ans et demi, après un énorme effondrement.
Avant mon diagnostic, je n’avais absolument jamais suspecté que je pouvais être autiste. Je savais simplement que quelque chose n’allait pas chez moi. J’étais dépressive, très déconnectée de moi-même et j’avais énormément de mal à comprendre ce que je ressentais réellement.
Avec le recul, j’ai l’impression que mon cerveau avait développé une sorte de mécanisme de protection au lieu de vivre pleinement dans le présent, je vivais beaucoup dans l’imaginaire, les projections et les scénarios futurs. Je ne comprenais pas vraiment ce qui se passait en moi et je pensais simplement que j’étais « bizarre », différente ou que je devais faire davantage d’efforts.
C’est justement pour cette raison que j’ai du mal à comprendre comment certaines personnes peuvent s’identifier à l’autisme ou faire un autodiagnostic avant d’avoir été évaluées par un professionnel.
Je ne dis absolument pas cela pour juger les personnes qui s’autodiagnostiquent. Ma question est vraiment sincère : comment avez-vous réussi à suspecter l’autisme chez vous, alors que, de mon côté, je n’avais même pas conscience de mes propres difficultés ?
Je pense notamment aux femmes, puisque l’autisme peut parfois être moins évident à identifier chez elles. ( même les professionnels disent que c’est très difficile de distinguer l’autisme féminin. )Le camouflage peut être inconscient on ne se dit pas forcément « je suis en train de masquer ». On peut simplement penser qu’on doit faire plus d’efforts, qu’on est timide, qu’on manque de confiance en soi, qu’on est trop sensible, etc.
Par exemple, avant mon diagnostic, j’étais extrêmement mal à l’aise dans les interactions sociales. Mais au lieu de me dire que cela pouvait être lié à l’autisme, je pensais simplement que je devais faire davantage d’efforts et apprendre à mieux interagir avec les autres. Je trouvais constamment des explications alternatives à mes difficultés.
C’est donc quelque chose que j’aimerais vraiment comprendre chez les personnes qui se sont identifiées à l’autisme avant leur diagnostic : qu’est-ce qui vous a permis de faire le lien avec l’autisme, alors que vous pouviez aussi interpréter vos difficultés de tellement d’autres façons ?
Sachant que les adultes perdent leurs trait autistique à force d’essayer d’imiter les autres

Hi everyone,
I’m 29 F and I was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and internalized BPD around the age of 27 and half /28.
Since I was very young, I’ve always felt deeply disconnected from life. I don’t really understand what I’m supposed to do here, or why people do the things they do.
I don’t understand relationships, careers, work, or even some of the basic things that seem obvious to everyone else. Even at school, I often felt like I didn’t understand what was going on or what the point of everything was.
I’ve tried to explain this feeling to my psychiatrist several times. I tell him that I feel disconnected from life, but he tells me: “That can’t be true. If you were really disconnected, you wouldn’t go to work, you wouldn’t do this or that.”
But that’s exactly what I’m trying to explain. I can function and still feel completely disconnected internally.
For example, when I was 27 I traveled without any purpose by the age 27 and half I underwent cosmetic surgery without really knowing why I wanted it or even fully understanding what the surgery involved. The clinic contacted me, and I simply said yes. I didn’t really question it.
I’ve also been scammed several times. I’ve had two relationships in my life, but looking back, I don’t really understand why I was in them or what I was looking for. It’s as if I participated in these things without really understanding what I was doing or what they meant to me.
And I feel the same way with work.
I started working for the first time at 29. Now that I’m finally working, I still don’t have a sense of purpose or a career goal. I don’t feel excited about building a career or progressing in a particular field. Instead, I mostly think about when I’m going to leave and change jobs.
This feeling exists in so many areas of my life.
I’m not saying that I’m incapable of functioning. I can work, have relationships, make decisions, etc. But internally, I feel like I’m watching myself participate in life without really understanding why I’m doing any of it.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of feeling, especially autistic women or people diagnosed later in life?
I would really like to understand what this “disconnection” could actually be.

Hi everyone, 29F here
I have a question for autistic adults over 25, especially those who were diagnosed later in life. Please tell me I’m not the only one.
When I see autistic people who are in relationships, have relatively functional lives, careers, families, etc., I sometimes feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me, because my autism seems much more disabling or, I don’t know, “strange” compared to theirs.
Ever since I was young, I have never understood implicit or unspoken things. I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do at school or what was expected of me, which is one of the reasons I repeated several years — twice in high school and three times at university.
I never really thought about my future either, because I didn’t even understand what the point of having a future was or what I was supposed to do with it.
I’ve only been in two relationships in my entire life: one from 16 to 20, and another from 20 to 25. And honestly, I didn’t even understand why I was in a relationship. I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing. In my mind, being in a relationship basically meant that your partner finds you attractive, you spend affectionate moments together, and that’s it. I didn’t understand the actual concept of sharing your life with another person.
I also spent a huge part of my life disconnected from reality. Whenever I saw something or experienced something, I would constantly escape into my imagination. I basically lived in my own internal world.
Then, when I was 27 and a half, I underwent a surgery without really understanding what I was getting myself into or what it would actually involve. That experience completely shattered me. It was a huge shock, and I completely broke down afterward. That’s ultimately when I was diagnosed with autism.
Looking back, I realize that I had probably been depressed for most of my life. But because I’m autistic and have always had difficulty identifying and understanding my own emotions, I never really understood what was happening to me or had the words to describe it.
I’m wondering if anyone else, especially people diagnosed after 25, has experienced autism in a similar way feeling like you didn’t understand how life was supposed to work, what you were supposed to want, or even what it meant to build a life with other people.
I’d really like to hear from people who have had a similar experience

Hi everyone, 29F here
I have a question for autistic adults over 25, especially those who were diagnosed later in life. Please tell me I’m not the only one.
When I see autistic people who are in relationships, have relatively functional lives, careers, families, etc., I sometimes feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me, because my autism seems much more disabling or, I don’t know, “strange” compared to theirs.
Ever since I was young, I have never understood implicit or unspoken things. I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do at school or what was expected of me, which is one of the reasons I repeated several years — twice in high school and three times at university.
I never really thought about my future either, because I didn’t even understand what the point of having a future was or what I was supposed to do with it.
I’ve only been in two relationships in my entire life: one from 16 to 20, and another from 20 to 25. And honestly, I didn’t even understand why I was in a relationship. I just wanted to do what everyone else was doing. In my mind, being in a relationship basically meant that your partner finds you attractive, you spend affectionate moments together, and that’s it. I didn’t understand the actual concept of sharing your life with another person.
I also spent a huge part of my life disconnected from reality. Whenever I saw something or experienced something, I would constantly escape into my imagination. I basically lived in my own internal world.
Then, when I was 27 and a half, I underwent a surgery without really understanding what I was getting myself into or what it would actually involve. That experience completely shattered me. It was a huge shock, and I completely broke down afterward. That’s ultimately when I was diagnosed with autism.
Looking back, I realize that I had probably been depressed for most of my life. But because I’m autistic and have always had difficulty identifying and understanding my own emotions, I never really understood what was happening to me or had the words to describe it.
I’m wondering if anyone else, especially people diagnosed after 25, has experienced autism in a similar way feeling like you didn’t understand how life was supposed to work, what you were supposed to want, or even what it meant to build a life with other people.
I’d really like to hear from people who have had a similar experience.

Hi everyone, I hope you’re doing well.
I’m a 29 F . I was diagnosed with AUDHD (autism+ adhd )and quiet BPD around the age of 27 and a half, after a huge breakdown.
Before that, I had seen quite a few psychologists and psychiatrists, but nothing was ever identified. I’m very good at using facial expressions and mimicking the way I’m “supposed” to look, so I can make it seem like I’m doing fine when I’m actually not.
The truth is, I’ve never really understood my own feelings. I’ve never known what I was supposed to do, who I was, or how life was supposed to work.
Since childhood, I’ve made a lot of social mistakes because I genuinely didn’t understand certain boundaries or social rules. For example, I would go to people’s houses without being invited, open their fridge and eat whatever I wanted. If I saw something in a movie, I sometimes wanted to recreate it in real life. I remember seeing people fighting in movies and then fighting other kids because I wanted to see if I could do the same thing.
At school, I consistently had bad grades because I often didn’t understand what I was supposed to do or what was expected of me.
Around 16, I started learning how to mask. I basically learned how to imitate other girls my age and how I was “supposed” to behave. But I was mostly copying what I saw without really understanding it, so I still made a lot of mistakes.
Then around 20, I had another major collapse. The first one had been around 16, and this was like a second free fall. I became depressed, and because I didn’t understand what I was feeling, I tried to give meaning to my sadness through external things.
I got into an extremely toxic relationship. I failed university and repeated the same year three times. I was scammed multiple times. I travelled without really knowing why. And eventually, at 27 and a half, I even had surgery without really understanding why I was doing it.
Looking back, I feel like I’ve spent most of my life living in my imagination and in projections of the future rather than actually being present in my life.
And even now, despite my diagnoses and everything I’ve learned about myself, I still struggle to position myself in real life. I have a hard time understanding what is actually real, what I genuinely want, and what I’m just imagining or projecting.
For example, I recently started my first job ever. Instead of simply experiencing the job and being present, my mind immediately goes into the future: When am I going to find another job? What will happen next? What am I going to do after this?
I don’t seem to be able to enjoy the present moment because, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been living in anticipation, imagination, or projection.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is there a name for what I’m describing? Is this related to ADHD, BPD, autism, dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, executive dysfunction, or something else?
I’m not looking for a diagnosis, but I’d really like to understand what might be happening to me.

Hi everyone,
I’m a 29woman who was diagnosed with autism at the age of 27 and half
I wanted to ask if any of you feel like your autism is much harder to manage than that of other autistic people you know.
I’ve met quite a few autistic people, especially through Reddit, and I’ve had many conversations with them. Most of them seem to have a clear sense of who they are. They have sensory sensitivities, special interests,,
… . My experience feels much more complicated than that.
The impact of my autism has been extremely severe.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve copied other people. I imitate them constantly. Now, at 29, I still don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to make decisions. I don’t know what I want. I have a very poor sense of time. I don’t know why I’m here, what I’m supposed to do, or what I’m not supposed to do. I feel completely lost.
And social rules… that’s on a whole different level. I just don’t understand them at all.
For example, when I was younger, I used to say exactly what I was thinking. I was constantly criticized or told off for it. Eventually, it became so painful that I stopped speaking my mind altogether. Now I almost never say what I really think because that experience was so traumatic for me. It’s like I developed a mental block.
I never know what’s appropriate to say, what I should keep to myself, or how people will interpret what I say.
I don’t even know how to explain how difficult this is. Does anyone else experience autism in a similar way?

Hi everyone,
I’m a 29 woman who was diagnosed with autism at 27 and half , (quite BPD at 28 and ADHD at 28 and half )
after experiencing a complete mental breakdown following cosmetic surgery.
The surgery didn’t come out of nowhere. Looking back, I realize it was the result of a lifetime of trying to become someone else.
Growing up, I was constantly criticized by my family. I got poor grades because, as an autistic child, I had no idea what I was actually supposed to be doing at school. I was disconnected from the world around me and lived almost entirely in my own head. I didn’t understand social rules or how people interacted. Like many autistic kids, I was just existing in my own world.
As a child, the criticism didn’t really affect me because I honestly didn’t care. I wasn’t aware of how different I was.
That changed around 17, when social expectations became much stronger and I started experiencing bullying and rejection. That’s when I began masking. I copied other people, accepted being mistreated, and did everything I could just to fit in.
Even the cosmetic surgery was part of that. I didn’t do it because I genuinely wanted it I did it because I wanted to look like everyone else and finally feel accepted.
After my autism diagnosis, I spent a year in therapy. Only now am I beginning to understand how much of this was shaped by the way I was raised.
I was always compared to other people. I was constantly told I’d never succeed. I grew up believing that the only way people would like me was if I was useful and did things for them. I was also taught that my appearance was extremely important that being considered beautiful was one of the most important things about me.
Yesterday, I was telling my mom about something that happened at work, and instead of listening to me, she immediately started comparing me to one of my coworkers. It made me realize that this pattern has never really stopped. Even now, I’m still being compared to other people.
I’m starting to wonder if the healthiest thing for me would be to cut contact with my family. I don’t say that lightly, but I feel like I’m only now beginning to see how much these constant comparisons have shaped my life, my self-esteem, and even the decisions I’ve made.
Has anyone else gone through something similarly?

Hi everyone, I hope you’re doing well.
Has anyone ever worked with a manager who has poor communication skills, to the point where you genuinely don’t understand what they’re expect from you?
For example, we had a legal register that every employee had to sign. Since the company has a lot of employees, my manager told me to send him the names of the employees who were present so he could pass them on to the supervisor, who would then call them to sign the register.
I sent him the list, but he never forwarded it to the supervisor. The next morning, he asked me, “Why haven’t the employees signed the register?” I reminded him that he never sent the list to the supervisor. Then he replied, “I told you to give the register directly to the supervisor.” The problem is… that’s not what I understood from what he said.
Another example: one day he told me, “We need to work on this.” I waited for him because I thought we were going to do it together. He never replied or followed up. Later, he criticized me, saying, “You never worked on what I told you. You always sit on these things.”
I’ve only been working there for four months, and I’m still learning how everything works. I don’t mind making mistakes, but it’s frustrating when the instructions are vague or unclear and I’m blamed afterward.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you deal with a manager whose communication wasn’t clear?

Hi everyone,

I’m a 29woman who was diagnosed with autism at 27 and half

I’ve been doing a lot of research about autism, and one thing I’ve noticed is that many autistic people describe feeling lonely from a very young age. I definitely relate to that I’ve felt lonely for as long as I can remember.

I’ve always been the kind of person who tries to solve problems, even if my “solutions” end up being complete failures. Looking back, from childhood all the way into adulthood, I realize I often approached people in very unhealthy or awkward ways just so they would stay with me and I wouldn’t have to feel alone.

For example, I would show up at classmates’ houses without being invited. Sometimes I would indirectly beg people to stay with me. Other times I’d buy people things, hoping they’d spend time with me. As I got older, I started lending people my clothes. And once I learned to drive, I became everyone’s chauffeur, just so I wouldn’t be alone—and because I hoped people would teach me how I was “supposed” to behave socially.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Did you ever find yourself trying to “earn” friendships or companionship because you were so afraid of being alone?

Hi everyone,

I’m a 29woman who was diagnosed with autism at 27 and half

I’ve been doing a lot of research about autism, and one thing I’ve noticed is that many autistic people describe feeling lonely from a very young age. I definitely relate to that I’ve felt lonely for as long as I can remember.

I’ve always been the kind of person who tries to solve problems, even if my “solutions” end up being complete failures. Looking back, from childhood all the way into adulthood, I realize I often approached people in very unhealthy or awkward ways just so they would stay with me and I wouldn’t have to feel alone.

For example, I would show up at classmates’ houses without being invited. Sometimes I would indirectly beg people to stay with me. Other times I’d buy people things, hoping they’d spend time with me. As I got older, I started lending people my clothes. And once I learned to drive, I became everyone’s chauffeur, just so I wouldn’t be alone—and because I hoped people would teach me how I was “supposed” to behave socially.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Did you ever find yourself trying to “earn” friendships or companionship because you were so afraid of being alone?

Bonjour à tous,

J’espère que vous allez bien.

Je suis une femme de 29 ans et j’ai été diagnostiquée autiste à 27 ans et demi suite à un effondrement extrême. Comme beaucoup de personnes autistes, j’ai longtemps eu énormément de mal à comprendre mes émotions, mes besoins et ce que je vivais. Cette incompréhension a fait durer ma souffrance pendant des années, jusqu’à l’effondrement.

À la base, je n’avais jamais suspecter, être autiste. En pleine période d’effondrement, j’ai consulté une psychologue qui a rapidement suspecté un TSA et m’a orientée vers un psychiatre spécialisé dans l’autisme, dans le privé. C’est lui qui m’a diagnostiquée.

Après mon diagnostic, j’ai beaucoup échangé avec d’autres personnes autistes. Certaines avaient été diagnostiquées dans un CRA et m’ont montré les questionnaires qui leur avaient été proposés.

En les lisant, je me suis dit que j’aurais probablement eu beaucoup de difficultés avec ce type d’évaluation. J’ai un trouble identitaire très marqué et je suis souvent très déconnectée de moi-même. Face à ce genre de questionnaires, je pense que j’aurais répondu un peu au hasard ou en essayant simplement de remplir les cases, sans réellement savoir ce qui me correspondait.

J’en ai parlé avec mon psychiatre. Selon lui, lorsqu’une évaluation repose principalement sur des questionnaires, c’est que les psychiatres ne sont pas assez compétents(mon psychiatre, travaille avec le professeur Laurent mottron ) et il est spécialisé dans l’autisme

Du coup, je suis curieuse comment s’est passée votre évaluation en CRA ? Est-ce qu’elle reposait surtout sur des questionnaires ou avez-vous eu de longs entretiens cliniques ? Avez-vous eu le sentiment que votre fonctionnement a été bien compris ?

Bonsoir tout le monde, j’espère que vous allez bien je suis une femme de 29 ans et j’ai été diagnostiquée à l’âge de 27 ans et demi , on dit souvent que les autistes ont un intérêt spécifique Tandis que moi, je n’ai jamais eu un intérêt spécifique depuis mon enfance, bien au contraire, depuis l’enfance, j’ai ressenti un vide intérieur, immense que je n’ai pas les mots pour le décrire , j’ai toujours laissé la vague m’emporter et copier les autres sur ce qu’ils font Y a-t-il parmi vous des gens qui n’ont pas d’intérêt spécifique

Hi everyone, I hope you’re doing well.

I’ve been wondering why my autism feels so different from what I see in other autistic people. It feels much more severe and complicated, and I’m curious if anyone else can relate.

I’m a 29F I was diagnosed at 27 and half and the diagnosis only happened because my life completely fell apart.

Without fully understanding what I was doing or the long term consequences, I underwent cosmetic surgery. When I saw what I had done to my body, I had a complete mental breakdown. Looking back, though, the surgery wasn’t the actual problem it was just the breaking point.

Before that, I had already made countless major decisions without really understanding what I was doing. I’ve bought furniture using completely wrong measurements, been scammed multiple times, repeated several years at university, almost traveled with a complete stranger, and even went on trips without really knowing why. The list goes on.

Another thing is that I spent most of my life living in my own imaginary world. Sometimes I even tell people things that aren’t true not because I’m trying to manipulate anyone, but because I genuinely blur the line between reality and the world I’ve built in my head. I become so immersed in my imagination that the boundaries get confusing.

I also started my very first real job three months ago. Before that, in nearly 28 years of life, I’d only had two internships/apprenticeships: one lasted two months, and the other just one month.

I’ve always been isolated. I try to behave like everyone else and fit in, but somehow I always end up getting things wrong. Looking back, I feel like I spent my entire life disconnected from reality. I got into relationships without really understanding why, made huge life decisions without thinking them through, and just drifted through life.

Now that I’ve been working for three months, it’s become painfully obvious that, at 29 years old, I still don’t know how to interact with people appropriately. I often don’t know how I’m supposed to behave in social situations.

The hardest part is that I don’t even know who I am. I feel like I have a serious identity problem.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is this something that can happen with autism, or could it be related to something else as well? I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences.

Est ce que khedemtou liyoum ? Kayn khedma liyoum ou non

Hi everyone,

I’d like to hear from people who left Islam. How did it happen for you?

I’m really scared about what is happening to my faith.

For some context, I’m currently Muslim and I’ve always practiced my religion, but in a balanced way, not in an extreme or fanatical way. For example, I don’t wear the hijab.

About three years ago, I decided to get closer to God because I was going through a severe depression. As Muslims, we’re often told that when we’re struggling, we should turn to God, pray, and strengthen our faith. I genuinely believed that. I prayed constantly and begged God to help me.

But over time, I felt abandoned. Like I saw how god abandoned me,I went through things that made me feel like God wasn’t there for me, despite all my prayers and faith. Since then, I’ve found it harder and harder to believe.

It’s been exactly a year since I last prayed. I feel completely lost. I can’t bring myself to believe or pray anymore. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe none of it is true.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you deal with it?

Hello everyone, I’m 29F and I got diagnosed with autism by the age 27 and half after a huge breakdown and by quiet BPD by the age 28

Late diagnosed people will understand the severity of not being diagnosed and the impact it can have one person chronic masking , dissociation, identity issues, disconnection from oneself, retreating into an imaginary world, and so much more…

I suffered my whole life and because of autism I couldn’t understand my emotion ,what I feel , what should I do? What should I say?… I remember by the age 24 and 25 it was unbearable so I went to the psychologist but it didn’t leads to anything because I couldn’t tell her what I feel so I started to say nonsense things and escape the real problem

people around me saw the sadness in me so they told me that I have to refer myself to God and he will help me and because I have literal thinking I said OK and I refer myself to God I was praying every day talking to him every day, hoping that he will help me and I was sure that he is listening to me

And by the age 27 for the first time in my life, I went to the psychiatrist and I told her I don’t know how to express myself so ask me question and I will respond Sincerely, the psychiatrist asked me basic question and she told me that I have ahnedonia and I have to take antidepressants

My mum is a doctor and I told her about the antidepressants she was angry about it. She was like you’re 27. You don’t have a job and instead of going to the psychiatrist you must be looking for a job right now and don’t take antidepressants. I have some patients who take it and they are tired all time so you cannot take it because you will not get a job so I didn’t take it .on my second appointment I told to my psychiatrist that I didn’t take it and I will continue therapy and if I’m not feeling good after therapy, I will take it so the therapist by my second appointment she did EMDR therapy for me

Three days after that I completely collapsed and I decided to take antidepressants because it was unbearable. I planned to take it without telling anyone. So I was waiting for my third appointment.

The pain that I was feeling at that time was unbearable and I was thinking about suicide and at that moment a clinic surgery contacted me and without knowing what I’m doing without knowing what is this surgery I went and I did a consultation the clinic so my vulnerable states and they took advantage from it and I ended by doing surgery

After that I completely collapsed my mom took me emergency to the psychiatrist and I got hospitalized for one month after that psychiatrist saw that I have autistic traits and he referred me to a psychiatrist to specialized in autism and they got my diagnosis And I spent a whole year in therapy understanding how I function and stuff …

Now I’m 29 and It has been exactly a year and a half since I had the surgery. I hate the results. I hate what I did to myself, but I understood my function. I have a job right now. And I am aware about my life

But the thing is, I’ve lost my faith. I no longer hope for anything. I feel like God didn’t protect me when I needed it most.

The clinic contacted me on November 8th, right before I was supposed to take my car to the body shop on November 10th, which would have left me unable to travel. If they had contacted me earlier or later, I wouldn’t have gone.

But they reached me at a very vulnerable moment, and I still wonder why I wasn’t protected from that.

Hello everyone, I’m 29F and I got diagnosed with autism by the age 27 and half after a huge breakdown and by quiet BPD by the age 28

Late diagnosed people will understand the severity of not being diagnosed and the impact it can have one person chronic masking , dissociation, identity issues, disconnection from oneself, retreating into an imaginary world, and so much more…

I suffered my whole life and because of autism I couldn’t understand my emotion ,what I feel , what should I do? What should I say?… I remember by the age 24 and 25 it was unbearable so I went to the psychologist but it didn’t leads to anything because I couldn’t tell her what I feel so I started to say nonsense things and escape the real problem

people around me saw the sadness in me so they told me that I have to refer myself to God and he will help me and because I have literal thinking I said OK and I refer myself to God I was praying every day talking to him every day, hoping that he will help me and I was sure that he is listening to me

And by the age 27 for the first time in my life, I went to the psychiatrist and I told her I don’t know how to express myself so ask me question and I will respond Sincerely, the psychiatrist asked me basic question and she told me that I have ahnedonia and I have to take antidepressants

My mum is a doctor and I told her about the antidepressants she was angry about it. She was like you’re 27. You don’t have a job and instead of going to the psychiatrist you must be looking for a job right now and don’t take antidepressants. I have some patients who take it and they are tired all time so you cannot take it because you will not get a job so I didn’t take it .on my second appointment I told to my psychiatrist that I didn’t take it and I will continue therapy and if I’m not feeling good after therapy, I will take it so the therapist by my second appointment she did EMDR therapy for me

Three days after that I completely collapsed and I decided to take antidepressants because it was unbearable. I planned to take it without telling anyone. So I was waiting for my third appointment.

The pain that I was feeling at that time was unbearable and I was thinking about suicide and at that moment a clinic surgery contacted me and without knowing what I’m doing without knowing what is this surgery I went and I did a consultation the clinic so my vulnerable states and they took advantage from it and I ended by doing surgery

After that I completely collapsed my mom took me emergency to the psychiatrist and I got hospitalized for one month after that psychiatrist saw that I have autistic traits and he referred me to a psychiatrist to specialized in autism and they got my diagnosis And I spent a whole year in therapy understanding how I function and stuff …

Now I’m 29 and It has been exactly a year and a half since I had the surgery. I hate the results. I hate what I did to myself, but I understood my function. I have a job right now. And I am aware about my life

But the thing is, I’ve lost my faith. I no longer hope for anything. I feel like God didn’t protect me when I needed it most.

The clinic contacted me on November 8th, right before I was supposed to take my car to the body shop on November 10th, which would have left me unable to travel. If they had contacted me earlier or later, I wouldn’t have gone.

But they reached me at a very vulnerable moment, and I still wonder why I wasn’t protected from that.

I feel like I don’t believe in anything anymore

Hi everyone,I hope you’re doing well.

I’m a 29F . I was diagnosed with Autism (ASD) at 27 and half by one psychiatrist, and with bpd at 28 by another psychiatrist.

Both diagnoses came after a major breakdown. The breakdown happened after a cosmetic clinic contacted me. I agreed to the procedure without really understanding what it involved, the risks, or why I even wanted it. (At that time I was like I will be happy after the surgery ) Looking back, that experience completely shattered my sense of reality and eventually led me to seek psychiatric help.

I’ve struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, probably since my early teens. I also have alexithymia, which means I have a hard time identifying and understanding my own emotions.

After being diagnosed with BPD, I joined support groups to connect with others who had similar experiences. However, instead of relating to them, I often felt very different from them.

Many people with BPD describe not knowing who they are. I relate to that, but in a different way. They often seem to have their own style, interests, careers, goals, relationships, and personalities. They may struggle with identity, but they still seem connected to themselves in some way.

When I say I don’t know who I am, I mean something much more literal. I’ve spent most of my life copying other people. I don’t know what I genuinely like or dislike. I don’t know what kind of person I am. I don’t have my own style, passions, or way of behaving. I mostly imitate others.

Another difference is idealization. Many people with BPD describe idealizing someone and then later devaluing them. For me, I idealize people because they seem to possess things I feel I lack: a personality, confidence, social skills, a sense of identity, or direction in life. I don’t usually go through the idealization-devaluation cycle.

I also notice differences regarding impulsivity. Many people with BPD say they know something is risky but do it anyway. In my case, I often didn’t even recognize the risk in the first place. I’ve been scammed multiple times, traveled without really knowing why, and underwent surgery without properly understanding the consequences.

Since receiving support and learning that I struggle with judgment and self-awareness, I have become much more cautious and haven’t repeated those kinds of impulsive decisions.

I also don’t relate to how many people describe emotional intensity. I’m extremely calm externally and tend to suppress and control my emotions as much as possible.i m soooo passive toooo

When people with BPD talk about feeling empty inside, I sometimes struggle to relate. My inner emptiness feels more like chronic boredom, emotional disconnection, and constantly waiting for life to finally begin. Since childhood, I’ve always thought, “Things will be better when I get to middle school… high school… university…” and so on.

I also experience a lot of maladaptive daydreaming. However, unlike many people who daydream about people they know, I usually create elaborate imaginary scenarios involving people who don’t exist or whom I’ve never met. Like actors….

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Sometimes I wonder whether these differences are related to autism, alexithymia, something else entirely, or whether others with BPD can relate to this as well.