u/Patient-Entry-1575

My ex was a narcissistic and he was a cheat, he pretended to be loyal but cheated behind my back, was so possessive and lovey dovey that no one could tell he doesnt love me unless they see how thy treat me in reality, abusing, cheating, manipulation, gaslighting

For 6 years he used to crawl back and say he changed, and ask for forgivess, but as soon as i left him, i could see openly his involvement in girls, things he said he Doesnt like when i asked him, but just after 5 days i would see him doing that thing he didnt like( adding random girls, seeking attention)

Its my 12 day of no contact, i dont want him back anymore, but i just deeply regret that i still have love for him,

He loved to cuddle, kiss, hug, only me, he didnt like kissing hugging any other girls, but he had lust for other girls, just lust,thats the most confusing part, how is this love? That has lust for other girls?

Ok so lets start from the beginning,
when i met him he was very lovey dovey in the first year like u can say we were like best friends,

then a year and half passed by and i got to know that for that whole year he was in contact with his “ex” and she used to send him nudes and stuff and he once met him to while being in a relationship with me(i found out after a year)

and when he met his ex she gave him a bj apparently bcoz “i wasnt sexually opened up with him or anything” and i couldnt satisfy him( he was 17), then , i forgave him but i still remember how my hands were shivering that time when i got to know abt this
, also , after that idk wht chnged but he started abusing even more when i wouldn’t agree with his thoughts and wouldn’t do what he says,
he made me delete all my socials like insta snap and all, but he could use it, and in that, in that 2nd year i got so fed up i broke up with him, in hope that he would be back and chnge, not treat me like shit,
he came back, again very lovey dovey, we were intimate too, but then again cheated, he called that particular ex and asked for sex that pls pls lets do it, gross yes,

then manipulated me into thinking that he didnt do anything like that, he also made an snapchat acc, added some random foreign girls and sent his dicc pics to them,added unadded random girls , and everything then in the 4th year i broke up with him,

and also like he said some inhumane stuff like i hope ur mom dad die , i hope ur husband cheats on u, u deserved to be cheated on, u r a wh@re and all, after that i broke up we went no contact for about a year,
then he came back again saying he has changed, and wad very lovey dovey, but still abuse was there some signs of involvement of girls was there, and along with this he would always care abt his feelings more, like he wont care abt hurting me if he is sad or angry or hurt, he bought me flowers but i told him that i dont want them i want respect and loyalty then i want flowers, he said yes but his actions said sm else, then this month, everything was so so messed up,
he said things like i didnt abuse u much , and like he made me feel guilty for expressing my feelings or being vulnerable, i was sick of all this, and on top of that, just after breakup he started adding random girls on instagram who dont even follow him back which he had done 100 of times while being in a relationship and knew would hurt me,

and just on the night of breakup he said that if u had a bf before me or had male frnds i won’t have dated you or been serious with u, bcoz thats my boundary, and i was like? He said i dont want to be cheated on , i said what abt me? That day was the day i left him forever with no hopes of him changing,

Like but now i wonder was all that 6 years a lie? He never loved me? If he did how cheat? And if he didnt what abt those moments and those gestures of love?

Also my stomach pains with his msg or when i get hurt with somthing that is connected to him particularly, before meeting him too i have that, earlier i had inner shivers now i have this(i never had these things for anyone or from anyone in my entire life)

Ok so lets start from the beginning,
when i met him he was very lovey dovey in the first year like u can say we were like best friends,

then a year and half passed by and i got to know that for that whole year he was in contact with his “ex” and she used to send him nudes and stuff and he once met him to while being in a relationship with me(i found out after a year)

and when he met his ex she gave him a bj apparently bcoz “i wasnt sexually opened up with him or anything” and i couldnt satisfy him( he was 17), then , i forgave him but i still remember how my hands were shivering that time when i got to know abt this
, also , after that idk wht chnged but he started abusing even more when i wouldn’t agree with his thoughts and wouldn’t do what he says,
he made me delete all my socials like insta snap and all, but he could use it, and in that, in that 2nd year i got so fed up i broke up with him, in hope that he would be back and chnge, not treat me like shit,
he came back, again very lovey dovey, we were intimate too, but then again cheated, he called that particular ex and asked for sex that pls pls lets do it, gross yes,

then manipulated me into thinking that he didnt do anything like that, he also made an snapchat acc, added some random foreign girls and sent his dicc pics to them,added unadded random girls , and everything then in the 4th year i broke up with him,

and also like he said some inhumane stuff like i hope ur mom dad die , i hope ur husband cheats on u, u deserved to be cheated on, u r a wh@re and all, after that i broke up we went no contact for about a year,
then he came back again saying he has changed, and wad very lovey dovey, but still abuse was there some signs of involvement of girls was there, and along with this he would always care abt his feelings more, like he wont care abt hurting me if he is sad or angry or hurt, he bought me flowers but i told him that i dont want them i want respect and loyalty then i want flowers, he said yes but his actions said sm else, then this month, everything was so so messed up,
he said things like i didnt abuse u much , and like he made me feel guilty for expressing my feelings or being vulnerable, i was sick of all this, and on top of that, just after breakup he started adding random girls on instagram who dont even follow him back which he had done 100 of times while being in a relationship and knew would hurt me,

and just on the night of breakup he said that if u had a bf before me or had male frnds i won’t have dated you or been serious with u, bcoz thats my boundary, and i was like? He said i dont want to be cheated on , i said what abt me? That day was the day i left him forever with no hopes of him changing,

Like but now i wonder was all that 6 years a lie? He never loved me? If he did how cheat? And if he didnt what abt those moments and those gestures of love?

Also my stomach pains with his msg or when i get hurt with somthing that is connected to him particularly, before meeting him too i have that, earlier i had inner shivers now i have this(i never had these things for anyone or from anyone in my entire life)

Ok so lets start from the beginning,
when i met him he was very lovey dovey in the first year like u can say we were like best friends,

then a year and half passed by and i got to know that for that whole year he was in contact with his “ex” and she used to send him nudes and stuff and he once met him to while being in a relationship with me(i found out after a year)

and when he met his ex she gave him a bj apparently bcoz “i wasnt sexually opened up with him or anything” and i couldnt satisfy him( he was 17), then , i forgave him but i still remember how my hands were shivering that time when i got to know abt this
, also , after that idk wht chnged but he started abusing even more when i wouldn’t agree with his thoughts and wouldn’t do what he says,
he made me delete all my socials like insta snap and all, but he could use it, and in that, in that 2nd year i got so fed up i broke up with him, in hope that he would be back and chnge, not treat me like shit,
he came back, again very lovey dovey, we were intimate too, but then again cheated, he called that particular ex and asked for sex that pls pls lets do it, gross yes,

then manipulated me into thinking that he didnt do anything like that, he also made an snapchat acc, added some random foreign girls and sent his dicc pics to them,added unadded random girls , and everything then in the 4th year i broke up with him,

and also like he said some inhumane stuff like i hope ur mom dad die , i hope ur husband cheats on u, u deserved to be cheated on, u r a wh@re and all, after that i broke up we went no contact for about a year,
then he came back again saying he has changed, and wad very lovey dovey, but still abuse was there some signs of involvement of girls was there, and along with this he would always care abt his feelings more, like he wont care abt hurting me if he is sad or angry or hurt, he bought me flowers but i told him that i dont want them i want respect and loyalty then i want flowers, he said yes but his actions said sm else, then this month, everything was so so messed up,
he said things like i didnt abuse u much , and like he made me feel guilty for expressing my feelings or being vulnerable, i was sick of all this, and on top of that, just after breakup he started adding random girls on instagram who dont even follow him back which he had done 100 of times while being in a relationship and knew would hurt me,

and just on the night of breakup he said that if u had a bf before me or had male frnds i won’t have dated you or been serious with u, bcoz thats my boundary, and i was like? He said i dont want to be cheated on , i said what abt me? That day was the day i left him forever with no hopes of him changing,

Like but now i wonder was all that 6 years a lie? He never loved me? If he did how cheat? And if he didnt what abt those moments and those gestures of love?

Edit:my stomach pains with his msg or when i get hurt with somthing that is connected to him particularly, before meeting him too i have that, earlier i had inner shivers now i have this(i never had these things for anyone or from anyone in my entire life)

Tl;dr: ex bf cheated on me multiple times, abused , said inhumane things, but still acted as “in love” i cant figure out whats true ,

Ok so lets start from the beginning,
when i met him he was very lovey dovey in the first year like u can say we were like best friends,

then a year and half passed by and i got to know that for that whole year he was in contact with his “ex” and she used to send him nudes and stuff and he once met him to while being in a relationship with me(i found out after a year)

and when he met his ex she gave him a bj apparently bcoz “i wasnt sexually opened up with him or anything” and i couldnt satisfy him( he was 17), then , i forgave him but i still remember how my hands were shivering that time when i got to know abt this
, also , after that idk wht chnged but he started abusing even more when i wouldn’t agree with his thoughts and wouldn’t do what he says,
he made me delete all my socials like insta snap and all, but he could use it, and in that, in that 2nd year i got so fed up i broke up with him, in hope that he would be back and chnge, not treat me like shit,
he came back, again very lovey dovey, we were intimate too, but then again cheated, he called that particular ex and asked for sex that pls pls lets do it, gross yes,

then manipulated me into thinking that he didnt do anything like that, he also made an snapchat acc, added some random foreign girls and sent his dicc pics to them,added unadded random girls , and everything then in the 4th year i broke up with him,

and also like he said some inhumane stuff like i hope ur mom dad die , i hope ur husband cheats on u, u deserved to be cheated on, u r a wh@re and all, after that i broke up we went no contact for about a year,
then he came back again saying he has changed, and wad very lovey dovey, but still abuse was there some signs of involvement of girls was there, and along with this he would always care abt his feelings more, like he wont care abt hurting me if he is sad or angry or hurt, he bought me flowers but i told him that i dont want them i want respect and loyalty then i want flowers, he said yes but his actions said sm else, then this month, everything was so so messed up,
he said things like i didnt abuse u much , and like he made me feel guilty for expressing my feelings or being vulnerable, i was sick of all this, and on top of that, just after breakup he started adding random girls on instagram who dont even follow him back which he had done 100 of times while being in a relationship and knew would hurt me,

and just on the night of breakup he said that if u had a bf before me or had male frnds i won’t have dated you or been serious with u, bcoz thats my boundary, and i was like? He said i dont want to be cheated on , i said what abt me? That day was the day i left him forever with no hopes of him changing,

Like but now i wonder was all that 6 years a lie? He never loved me? If he did how cheat? And if he didnt what abt those moments and those gestures of love?

Ok so lets start from the beginning,
when i met him he was very lovey dovey in the first year like u can say we were like best friends,

then a year and half passed by and i got to know that for that whole year he was in contact with his “ex” and she used to send him nudes and stuff and he once met him to while being in a relationship with me(i found out after a year)

and when he met his ex she gave him a bj apparently bcoz “i wasnt sexually opened up with him or anything” and i couldnt satisfy him( he was 17), then , i forgave him but i still remember how my hands were shivering that time when i got to know abt this
, also , after that idk wht chnged but he started abusing even more when i wouldn’t agree with his thoughts and wouldn’t do what he says,
he made me delete all my socials like insta snap and all, but he could use it, and in that, in that 2nd year i got so fed up i broke up with him, in hope that he would be back and chnge, not treat me like shit,
he came back, again very lovey dovey, we were intimate too, but then again cheated, he called that particular ex and asked for sex that pls pls lets do it, gross yes,

then manipulated me into thinking that he didnt do anything like that, he also made an snapchat acc, added some random foreign girls and sent his dicc pics to them,added unadded random girls , and everything then in the 4th year i broke up with him,

and also like he said some inhumane stuff like i hope ur mom dad die , i hope ur husband cheats on u, u deserved to be cheated on, u r a wh@re and all, after that i broke up we went no contact for about a year,
then he came back again saying he has changed, and wad very lovey dovey, but still abuse was there some signs of involvement of girls was there, and along with this he would always care abt his feelings more, like he wont care abt hurting me if he is sad or angry or hurt, he bought me flowers but i told him that i dont want them i want respect and loyalty then i want flowers, he said yes but his actions said sm else, then this month, everything was so so messed up,
he said things like i didnt abuse u much , and like he made me feel guilty for expressing my feelings or being vulnerable, i was sick of all this, and on top of that, just after breakup he started adding random girls on instagram who dont even follow him back which he had done 100 of times while being in a relationship and knew would hurt me,

and just on the night of breakup he said that if u had a bf before me or had male frnds i won’t have dated you or been serious with u, bcoz thats my boundary, and i was like? He said i dont want to be cheated on , i said what abt me? That day was the day i left him forever with no hopes of him changing,

Like but now i wonder was all that 6 years a lie? He never loved me? If he did how cheat? And if he didnt what abt those moments and those gestures of love?

Edit:my stomach pains with his msg or when i get hurt with somthing that is connected to him particularly, before meeting him too i have that, earlier i had inner shivers now i have this(i never had these things for anyone or from anyone in my entire life)

Pata hai aaj kya hua

21F, iv been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years, he was narcissistic, and very lust driven and cheated on me multiple times,
then manipulated me into thinking he loves me, made stories to make me believe he didnt cheat, abused me verbally and emotionally and said very imhumane hurtful things, critisized me, character assassinated me, and made me do everything according to him bcoz if i didnt he would abuse verbally or emotionally, for him cheatings i forgiving him for the sake of hope that it might be his last cheatings (yup ik i was very wrong),

but with these 5 years of relationship with him, that has made me have anxious attachment issues, and now i get anxious even on smallest things, like did i hurt someone? What will happn next and all, like i was a very healthy normal person, with little to no trust issues, but now i have too much trust issues, low self esteem,getting anxious on little things, that my stomach pains(for like 1hr) and heart drops even in smallest inconveniences(like if i hurt someone, or if someone hurt me or said sm bad)

i wanna be the carefree bird that i was before this relationship

Any advices would really help,i cant go therapy rn
Edit: Relationship has already been ended with him

21F, iv been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years, he was narcissistic, and very lust driven and cheated on me multiple times, then manipulated me into thinking he loves me, made stories to make me believe he didnt cheat, abused me verbally and emotionally, critisized me, character assassinated me, no made me do everything according to him, for him cheatings i forgiving him for the sake of hope that it might be his last cheatings (yup ik i was very wrong), but with these 5 years of relationship with him, that has made me have anxious attachment issues, and now i get anxious even on smallest things, like did i hurt someone? What will happn next and all, like i was a very healthy normal person, with little to no trust issues, but now i have too much trust issues, low self esteem,getting anxious on little things, that my stomach pains(for like 1hr) and heart drops even in smallest inconveniences(like if i hurt someone, or if someone hurt me or said sm bad) i wanna be the carefree bird that i was before this relationship
Any advices would really help,

21F, iv been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years, he was narcissistic, and very lust driven and cheated on me multiple times, then manipulated me into thinking he loves me, made stories to make me believe he didnt cheat, abused me verbally and emotionally, critisized me, character assassinated me, no made me do everything according to him, for him cheatings i forgiving him for the sake of hope that it might be his last cheatings (yup ik i was very wrong), but with these 5 years of relationship with him, that has made me have anxious attachment issues, and now i get anxious even on smallest things, like did i hurt someone? What will happn next and all, like i was a very healthy normal person, with little to no trust issues, but now i have too much trust issues, low self esteem,getting anxious on little things, that my stomach pains(for like 1hr) and heart drops even in smallest inconveniences(like if i hurt someone, or if someone hurt me or said sm bad) i wanna be the carefree bird that i was before this relationship
Any advices would really help,

21F, iv been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years, he was narcissistic, and very lust driven and cheated on me multiple times, then manipulated me into thinking he loves me, made stories to make me believe he didnt cheat, abused me verbally and emotionally, critisized me, character assassinated me, no made me do everything according to him, for him cheatings i forgiving him for the sake of hope that it might be his last cheatings (yup ik i was very wrong), but with these 5 years of relationship with him, that has made me have anxious attachment issues, and now i get anxious even on smallest things, like did i hurt someone? What will happn next and all, like i was a very healthy normal person, with little to no trust issues, but now i have too much trust issues, low self esteem,getting anxious on little things, that my stomach pains(for like 1hr) and heart drops even in smallest inconveniences(like if i hurt someone, or if someone hurt me or said sm bad) i wanna be the carefree bird that i was before this relationship
Any advices would really help,

21F, iv been in a relationship with this guy for 5 years , he was narcissistic, and very lust driven and cheated on me multiple times, then manipulated me into thinking he loves me, made stories to make me believe he didnt cheat, abused me verbally and emotionally, critisized me, character assassinated me, nd made me do everything according to him , for him cheatings i forgiving him for the sake of hope that it might be his last cheatings(yup ik i was very wrong), but with these 5 years of relationship with him, that has made me have anxious attachment issues, and now i get anxious even on smallest things, like did i hurt someone? What will happn next and all, like i was a very healthy normal person, with little to no trust issues, but now i have too much trust issues, low self esteem,getting anxious on little things, that my stomach pains(for like 1hr) and heart drops even in smallest inconveniences(like if i hurt someone, or if someone hurt me or said sm bad) i wanna be the carefree bird that i was before this relationship

Any advices would really help,

Series iv liked:
-squid games
-taskaree
-money heist
-ginny and georgiea
Series iv loved:
-if wishes would kill
-manifest
-alice in borderland
-mandala murders
-all of us are dead
-3 body problem
-stranger things
-class
-rana naidu
-delhi crime
-bridgeton

Movies iv loved
-haq
-lapata ladies
-happy new year
-wild wild punjab
-ladies vs ricky behl
-haseen dilrub both parts
-shaitan
-maharaja