u/Potential_Rule4212

I've been doing this ever since I was a little kid.

In person, what i fantasize about doesn't happen, and it's often disappointing, but when I get home, I grab some music, never happy musics, it's either sad, slowed or intense rock ones. It can be a video about some character as well, doing something badass.

I then start to build these stories in my head, about how one day I will be like him, how I will do this or that, how I will become a top tier athlete and be a funny guy around people, how I'm better than what people in irl perceive me to be.

It brings me a sense of comfort, and I believe it's a coping mechanism, I start to ruminate about grandiosity.

It's a coping mechanism because im such a flawed and failure of a person(in my head), that to compensate, I need to be one of the best in any setting I set foot.

I notice this doesn't happen when I listen to happy musics.

Videos I tend to watch are mainly videos where I fantasize about being a character that fights and wins against another, for example cobra kai, spartacus, etc.,

I need to vent.

Earlier this year around March, I started college in the medicine course to become a doctor in the future, but in a place I didn't desire to study because it might have people from my past, people who I'd be too ashamed to show my face to again, since I didn't get much better since high school.

I went there, met new people and guys and for a while I hung out with them, in the first few days.

But when I saw they were more extroverted, liked to tease each other, were talking to others more naturally, and would aspire to hang out outside of school, I started to get intimidated, because I can't take those things in a cool way. I get very stressed since I was never that kind of person, I was never popular, social butterfly or anything.

One day they invited me to play soccer, problem is I dont know how to play, and im afraid of criticism and teasing coming from them, which I'm sure it would happen. And I just gave an excuse and didn't go. Ever since then, I barely had the strenght to interact with them, since im afraid to speak up and afraid of being found out, or get sad/stressed/cry in front of them.

I joined another quiet guy like me, and I prefer being with him, since he's not the type that criticizes or teases, he just answers my questions and we talk about whatever.

But man, I was never quite rejected by that big group, I was the one who moved away, because I was afraid sooner or later they'd find out im not this extroverted cool jock guy like them.

Now that group managed to befriend some girls in our class, and they are bigger than ever.

Today we had a free class where we would study the anatomy of some bones, and since it's free there was no teacher there to guide, we would explore by ourselves.

The big groups and everybody else chatted with each other, asking questions about which part was presented, and I just didn't do anything, I was afraid of even entering the room to study alone.

I entered, maintained my head low, sat on one of the tables where we had some anatomy parts to study, and used my cellphone as an atlas guide to understand each part.

I wanted to talk, but I was so afraid to ask for help, because it was as if they knew so much more than me, if I had asked something, they might have laughed.

Plus, I feel as if im the weird loner guy and nobody would want to talk to me, since I don't have a big group like the others, its as if my voice isn't welcome.

I dont know if I will get through this, this isn't the kind of course you can graduate by sticking by yourself, you got to have help and have a network.

I hate this, I hate my father for not being better for me, I wish I could be like the others I see everyday who are able to interact more naturally and connect with others.

I feel the need to have friends, to interact more, and hang out with others.

But I dread the feeling whenever I attempt to do these things, my thoughts and feelings go wild, my thoughts go "I don't belong, I will never belong anywhere, I'm not at their level, I will be found out, I can't tolerate this anxiety anymore, I won't be able to tolerate any criticism, joke or rejection coming at me, I will lose control and crashout, I can't connect". And my feelings are: high anxiety, fear, hopelessness, inferiority, desperation.

These things are what stop me from interacting, if these weren't present, I'd be able to have a way better time.

Not long ago, I prepared myself knowing the above would happen going to a party, and I drank a little bit before going there, and all of those factors were soothed, they were still there but way weaker and more tolerable, I was able to go, have a good time, drink, talk, play games, eat.

I guess the thing we are afraid the most is our mind and bodily reaction to interactions, I keep telling myself I can't tolerate those without the help of drinks or other coping techniques, but theres gotta be a way right? Otherwise we are stuck forever.

I research a lot out of desperation on search of therapies and techniques to get out or manage this disorder better, what im currently doing is mindfulness, to reduce a little bit of the amygdala activity, therefore lowering the feelings and thoughts intensity making it more tolerable for me, and I'd like to try schema therapy.

I didn't grasp it very clearly, but first you need to identify your schemas, see which schemas you're using in your day to day life, then do some "chair work and imagery rescripting", this is the more practical part of the therapy.

Also I did Eft and it helps too, I saw some people talking about it's similarities to emdr, how it desensitizes some of your traumatic memories.