u/Redsixred6

I am sad. Sad that you chose for us to be strangers over us trying to find a middle ground and be friends. I never wanted anything but to be a small part of your life. I would have been whatever you wanted me to be. Just being known by you felt like a blessing. Now we wont know eachother and that breaks my heart.

I think there was more you didnt tell me. I think you felt more. Why else block me when I had no intention of reaching out to you? I always gave you your space when you needed it. Is it because seeing me would make YOU want to reach out? It was never me who came back all those times it was always you. Leaving and coming back. Makes me think you did feel a pull to me.

Whatever you felt I am sorry if it scared you. I hope you know that even though you hurt me so bad so many times I do understand. I felt the same and it was powerful, beautiful, all encompassing, and never going to work out. Not with your beliefs and traditions. Not with my beliefs and self expression. I am sure the universe would agree we both messed it up pretty bad.

You would never be able to shine with me and i want you to shine. You deserve to shine. Knowing someone as special as you is in this world will have to be enough. I will treasure the moments we did have. Always have a soft spot for the super intelligent and beautiful bug girl i met on a random game who woke me up and changed my world. Salam wa hob Nance.

P.s. Guess a queer hippie dude and a traditional muslim girl love story wasnt ever going to work out. But i may write a book about us someday. Maybe in the book we do.

Looking back i think many people probably think me being kind to them all the time was fake or manipulative.

I choose kindness because I was so hurt in the past by people and i never want to do that to someone. Done kindness for so long that now its hard to see the bad in anyone. All i see is the past trauma behind every action. And i sympathize and follow up with care.

Is that manipulative to always support and lead with love? I never expected anything in return so I dont know. I feel like it could definatley be viewed as that. Even if that isnt the intent. This last situation has me questioning everything.

You tore me down. All the insecurities I had worked so hard to let go of. My lifes struggles laid bare infront of me by you. I understand you not wanting to talk to me anymore thats one thing but you were brutal. I just stood there and took it when I should have said something. But I would never hurt you or anyone and you knew that.

To tell me I disgust you and that i am weird. That i give you the ick for something I have no control over is devastating. Especially from someone I have been cheering on and supporting emotionally for months. Someone i truly cared for and who said they cared for me too just a week ago.

Now I am going to have trouble trusting someone ever again. Not because of how I felt about you but how you treated me in the end. Like you didnt know me at all. Like i was non human. Against human norms as you said.

I am so afraid and broken. When I think about myself I start crying and cant breathe. You were disgusted talking to me imagine being me.

You said you dont want to talk to me anymore. You said thank you for understanding. I dont.

I thought you could see past my outer shell and see the real me. I could with you. Flaws and all. And it didnt make me think less of you. You made me believe you cared about me in some capacity over and over. Why did you keep coming back? I would have let you leave countless times before now. But you kept coming back.

I hope one day you look back and see your fear ruined a genuine connection of the soul. Someone who would fill your cup without asking for anything in return.

You will always have a place in my life if you choose to take it. Because regardless of what you might want in this moment we both know it was never just me crushing on you and you feeling disgust. It wasn't romance or friendship, it was something God gave us. It was ours.

My family is doing it again. They are unhappy that I am starting to do stuff to better myself and eventually leave them. Spreading that i am loosing my mind and acting crazy because I am finally ready to do something with my life.

Its always been like this. Since I was a kid they made me feel like i would amount to nothing and when I would say what my plans are for the future they would diminish me and say it was impossible. Usually I would say they are right and give up in the past. Not anymore.

I dont care if they think wanting to build my dream is crazy. I am not going to go through life thinking I am not good enough. I have to atleast try. If i dont I will regret it. Two things I promised myself recently is I am not going to live with regret and I am not going to give up on anything that comes my way.

Let them talk behind my back. I will be building my life while they do that. If they confront me? I will brush it off and say its not true. Id say I am bettering myself and enjoying my life as I do it. That I would want the same for them.

I came way out here to the middle of nowhere in order to be introspective. Usually thats what i do, learn something new about myself. This time its been different.

All I can think of is you. How i can make you feel more comfortable. How i can do better for you. What you need/want from me. You are consuming even my methods of escape.

I found myself looking at your picture I saved in my phone while laying in my tent last night. Thinking of aĺl we have been through together in just a few months. How can you be the reason for so much change in me? How can you be the reason i actually care about my life now? Why does lifting you up and making you feel safe so important to me?

How can I tell you how much you mean to me without making you think I want something from you?

N-

You arent all the bad things you think you are. Your baggage isnt baggage to me. You arent bringing me down or ruining my life. You give my life so much meaning and I have learned so much from you. You are my moon and stars. The Artemis to my Orion. (:

You run/disappear because of these intrusive thoughts but I am staying in place so you know where to find me. I will be your rock in the raging river of life. A sturdy and solid companion.

I see how much effort and opening up you have done and I am proud of you. Its not an easy task and I know how hard it has been for you.

Even if you think its done we both know its not. You fucked up when you chose to get to know me. I am a secure attachment style and I am not going to falter in our connection. If thats what you wanted there are plenty of men who can be that for you. Not me. I dont give up and I dont run away.

I love you deeply. It goes beyond relationships and friendships. Its soul level. Our connection isnt something light and new it is deep and as old as time itself. The universe/God has given me messages and signs that you are meant to be a part of my life. To stay strong and be patient with you. Thats what i will do.

I wont stop living and bettering my situation but I am always going to be there when you are ready to come back.

You taught me something that I use now in life everyday. Salam wa hob. Not the words but the true meaning of it. You give me these without trying.

-D

Going on the fourth push session from my avoidant person. Still love her but the pain is starting to consume the connection. No matter what I do she runs. I wait and she comes back just to do it all over again in a few weeks.

I think she is learning but I dunno. Last deep conversation we had she clarified she knows she is an avoidant and pushes away people who get to close. So atleast she has accepted that? But she did it again only a day after saying that. I dont know anymore. Do i scare her that much? I feel like i am the least pressure dude on the planet. Yes i say nice things and care a lot but I never force affection on her. Never have an expectation for anything in return. I have loads of patience and understanding for others emotions and past traumas.

Did I miss something? Or is it just that she is afraid because we do know eachother pretty well now? If she doesnt come back I hope she sees that all i ever wanted was to be a support in her life. Someone who never leaves. I hope she works through it all and finds the happiness and love she deserves.

Underneath all the fear and running away she is the most incredible person. So unique, so intelligent, so creative, a true friend. I will give her the space if she needs it and always leave the door open for her. I just hope she is okay. Really hope she isnt thinking the worst.

You have a reserved spot in my heart. The only spot in the place. No refunds. But I gotta start focusing/working on me. When your ready I will be here like i always am. Avoid to your hearts content. Do what makes you feel safe. I want you to be happy and secure. And if this is goodbye i have said my peace. You know that I love you. That I see you. 🖕❤️😆

In the forest thats where true freedom resides. A person can disappear and yet stand out against the greens and the browns. I often wonder who I would be without these moments of peace and solitude. If I had never found respite from the weight of society and its made up expectations. A less patient man.

I fall asleep under the stars dreaming of a day where the lack of money in my pocket didnt represent who I was. When my character and how hard I try meant something. Where my lack of hate and constant choice of kindness in the face of violence and deception was appreciated.

Yet in the forest I learn more about me and less about the trivial things. I awaken the barest instinct and push my thoughts out into the air without worry of judgment or fear of embarrassment. I find my raw self and let him be without restraint.

If I scream into the forest and and no one is around to hear it, would it make a sound?

Like why do I feel the need to keep talking? I am going to work on being more quiet. Say what needs to be said and move on. People dont appreciate too much noise. God I hate myself for saying too much and doing too much. 🙊

In the forest thats where true freedom resides. A person can disappear and yet stand out against the greens and the browns. I often wonder who I would be without these moments of peace and solitude. If I had never found respite from the weight of society and its made up expectations. A less patient man.

I fall asleep under the stars dreaming of a day where the lack of money in my pocket didnt represent who I was. When my character and how hard I try meant something. Where my lack of hate and constant choice of kindness in the face of violence and deception was appreciated.

Yet in the forest I learn more about me and less about the trivial things. I awaken the barest instinct and push my thoughts out into the air without worry of judgment or fear of embarrassment. I find my raw self and let him be without restraint.

If I scream into the forest and and no one is around to hear it, would it make a sound?

Falling, spiraling, way down

Hiding it all behind a semi frown

Familar and often wave of pain

Wondering if I have ever felt sane.

My body isnt right

Chest feels tight

It will never change

Nothing to rearrange.

A mirror or portal to hell

Dont know myself well

Tired of trying to be

So exhausted of me.

Will I ever feel good?

I dont know if i could.

in the world for all the wants I want with you.

I did try to talk to other women like i said did. But it made me feel gross because I am in love with you. So i gave up. That was the lie. I am not trying to talk to women anymore. I dont want to lead on anyone when I am not emotionally available. I couldnt do it to them.

I know you want me to move on from you but i haven't. This feels horrible. Loving someone you cant have. Especially when they are literally all you dreamed and prayed for and they are right fucking there.

I know we cant be together its not like I am holding out hope for us. I just still have intense feelings for you. I think about you more than anyone. Care about you more than anyone. It would be wrong to talk to another woman and give them hope when i am thinking of you. Thats what I meant when I said I feel guilty. Its because my feelings for you consume everything and everyone.

I can't even see women how I used to. They flirt with me and I feel bad and shutdown. Thats new. I used to see the beauty in all women the potential as partners. Now all I see is the things they dont have that you do.

I dont mind being your fall back. I don't mind being the guy you go to when everyone else upsets you. Its okay if I am not your person. But you will always be my person. Even if you leave I will always be here if you comeback. But you know that already.

It doesnt upset me. If anything it makes me happy I can be that for you. Someone to vent to and fill your day with laughs. I am excited for you honestly. You have a lot of people to meet and things to do. I am so sorry that I thought you wanted more from me. I am good with whatever this is. A friend till the end.

You said to me once that you think real love is between friends because they dont expect anything from you but they still choose to be with you. I think you were right. If you truly love someone you will be whatever they need without expectations. You have been exactly what my life needed. Thank you.

-D

On us i get a sign to stick it out. So I wait.

You are...

So passionate yet so

locked down and scared.

Showing the cruel world

your soul through paint.

Reaching out to the void

hoping to find release.

Clawing a way out

of all you have known.

​

I am...

Angry that society and tradition

has captured and caged you.

Wanting to bend the bars

reach in and pull you out.

Give you the freedom

you always had the right to.

Watching your wings spread

expressing yourself outwardly.

​

Don't give up. You are capable of so much. You are intelligent, creative, beautiful, funny af, and compassionate. I am so proud of you. I wish i could tell you this everyday.

So my person is open to doing some stuff together again. I have a list of things but I was wondering if you have any ideas that are better or cooler. Keep in mind we are long distance so its all got to be through a phone or online.

Here's my list:

jam on spotify, play some new games, watch a movie/show together, drive around and show her places here, show me her workplace and I could show her mine, we could write or paint together, there are some apps we could interact with eachother on as well.

​