u/Silent_Contest_2337

I know we love hard and love deeply. What's it like when it finally snaps and you decide to step away?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years. I love him deeply and leaving him is not something I want. He’s my best friend and we’ve been together since uni.

But our intimacy has become a huge source of sadness and confusion for me and I don’t know what to do anymore.

When we had just started dating, the chemistry was insane. We would make out every day, find places to sneak off just to touch each other, and it genuinely felt wild and exciting.

Now it’s completely different. For context, we don’t live together yet.

He gained a lot of weight during the Covid years and is now severely overweight, but doesn’t seem to take losing it very seriously. We’ve been having intimacy problems for years now. At one point we went nearly 2 years without sex because he was dealing with erectile dysfunction. He tried medicines, herbal stuff, etc., and eventually it improved somewhat.

I stayed with him through all of it and never made him feel bad about it, even though internally I took multiple hits to my self-esteem and started wondering if I was undesirable.

Part of the issue is physical compatibility too, and I feel horrible even admitting this. His size is quite small, which wasn’t really an issue before, but combined with the reduced stamina now, penetration barely feels like much to me anymore. I want to try different positions, but because of the size it feels impractical. It even slips out during basic stuff like doggy, its only okay during missionary.

We only have sex maybe once every few months and it’s usually brief and unsatisfying for me. We don’t do spontaneous things anymore - no car sex, shower sex, nothing like that. We’ll get a hotel once every 3-4 months, spend 24 hours together, and maybe have sex once or twice maximum. Earlier in our relationship, we once did it 7 times in one night.

I have a very high sex drive mentally and emotionally. I think about sex constantly, get aroused easily, fantasize a lot, read smut, etc. But when it actually comes to having sex with him, something in me completely shuts down.

I hate admitting this because it makes me feel cruel and guilty, but I genuinely don’t think I feel sexual attraction toward him anymore, even though I still love him deeply as a person.

Over the years he has become much less active physically and almost lethargic. He constantly talks about how into me he is and the things he wants to do to me, but it rarely translates into action.

Meanwhile, I still put a lot of effort into myself for him. I buy lingerie, new clothes, dress up for him, try to keep the spark alive. He doesn’t really do the same because he says he feels insecure about his weight and says he’ll start dressing sharply again “once he loses it.”

When we have sex now, I honestly feel more anxious than excited. I worry about him getting tired, losing the erection, feeling embarrassed, etc. Half the time I’m just praying for it to end soon.

I have never orgasmed during penetration. Once he finishes, he usually gets me off with his fingers while I help myself with clitoral stimulation, and mentally I have to completely disconnect and send myself somewhere else or imagine it with someone else to even finish.

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t really see a problem. For him, things are okay because the sex is satisfying for him and I’ve never truly voiced how deeply unhappy and unsatisfied I feel.

I know that if I bring this up honestly, it will hit every insecurity he already has. He’ll feel ashamed, guilty, and hurt, and I can’t bear the idea of being the person who causes that.

I do NOT want to cheat. I don’t want to leave him either.

But I’m reaching a point where I feel sexually frustrated all the time and I’m scared I’m going to become resentful or emotionally disconnected long term.

I get a lot of male attention, whenever we're out at a party or a bar, men do stare at me, try to make moves. My boyfriend doesn't even seem to notice. I wish he would, maybe it would spark a more intense fire.

We’ve also never really talked openly about toys, experimenting, improving intimacy, or trying new things. The topic feels emotionally loaded and awkward between us now.

I’ve been suppressing these feelings for so long, but it’s gotten to a point where it’s genuinely driving me insane. I need more. I need to understand why I feel so sexually charged in general, but the moment it involves him, the feeling completely fizzles out.

At this point I can barely engage sexually unless I’m drunk.

I’ll try to dirty talk or flirt over text and he’ll respond with overly excited messages with a bunch of emojis, it feels jokey, and for some reason it completely turns me off. I think deep down I want someone who takes control more, has more confidence, intensity, and sexual energy. He is extremely into me, and so for him it's still hitting all the right notes but i want something completely different. I feel depraved and extremely guilty. Am i just unrealistic, maybe smut has set my expectations too high? I have extremely sexual thoughts and feelings and just want to be taken. I actually started reading smut so i'd have somewhere to direct this energy but it's just made it a whole lot worse.

Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years. I love him deeply and leaving him is not something I want. He’s my best friend and we’ve been together since uni.

But our intimacy has become a huge source of sadness and confusion for me and I don’t know what to do anymore.

When we had just started dating, the chemistry was insane. We would make out every day, find places to sneak off just to touch each other, and it genuinely felt wild and exciting.

Now it’s completely different. For context, we don’t live together yet.

He gained a lot of weight during the Covid years and is now severely overweight, but doesn’t seem to take losing it very seriously. We’ve been having intimacy problems for years now. At one point we went nearly 2 years without sex because he was dealing with erectile dysfunction. He tried medicines, herbal stuff, etc., and eventually it improved somewhat.

I stayed with him through all of it and never made him feel bad about it, even though internally I took multiple hits to my self-esteem and started wondering if I was undesirable.

Part of the issue is physical compatibility too, and I feel horrible even admitting this. His size is quite small, which wasn’t really an issue before, but combined with the reduced stamina now, penetration barely feels like much to me anymore. I want to try different positions, but because of the size it feels impractical. It even slips out during basic stuff like doggy, its only okay during missionary.

We only have sex maybe once every few months and it’s usually brief and unsatisfying for me. We don’t do spontaneous things anymore - no car sex, shower sex, nothing like that. We’ll get a hotel once every 3-4 months, spend 24 hours together, and maybe have sex once or twice maximum. Earlier in our relationship, we once did it 7 times in one night.

I have a very high sex drive mentally and emotionally. I think about sex constantly, get aroused easily, fantasize a lot, read smut, etc. But when it actually comes to having sex with him, something in me completely shuts down.

I hate admitting this because it makes me feel cruel and guilty, but I genuinely don’t think I feel sexual attraction toward him anymore, even though I still love him deeply as a person.

Over the years he has become much less active physically and almost lethargic. He constantly talks about how into me he is and the things he wants to do to me, but it rarely translates into action.

Meanwhile, I still put a lot of effort into myself for him. I buy lingerie, new clothes, dress up for him, try to keep the spark alive. He doesn’t really do the same because he says he feels insecure about his weight and says he’ll start dressing sharply again “once he loses it.”

When we have sex now, I honestly feel more anxious than excited. I worry about him getting tired, losing the erection, feeling embarrassed, etc. Half the time I’m just praying for it to end soon.

I have never orgasmed during penetration. Once he finishes, he usually gets me off with his fingers while I help myself with clitoral stimulation, and mentally I have to completely disconnect and send myself somewhere else or imagine it with someone else to even finish.

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t really see a problem. For him, things are okay because the sex is satisfying for him and I’ve never truly voiced how deeply unhappy and unsatisfied I feel.

I know that if I bring this up honestly, it will hit every insecurity he already has. He’ll feel ashamed, guilty, and hurt, and I can’t bear the idea of being the person who causes that.

I do NOT want to cheat. I don’t want to leave him either.

But I’m reaching a point where I feel sexually frustrated all the time and I’m scared I’m going to become resentful or emotionally disconnected long term.

I get a lot of male attention, whenever we're out at a party or a bar, men do stare at me, try to make moves. My boyfriend doesn't even seem to notice. I wish he would, maybe it would spark a more intense fire.

We’ve also never really talked openly about toys, experimenting, improving intimacy, or trying new things. The topic feels emotionally loaded and awkward between us now.

I’ve been suppressing these feelings for so long, but it’s gotten to a point where it’s genuinely driving me insane. I need more. I need to understand why I feel so sexually charged in general, but the moment it involves him, the feeling completely fizzles out.

At this point I can barely engage sexually unless I’m drunk.

I’ll try to dirty talk or flirt over text and he’ll respond with overly excited messages with a bunch of emojis, it feels jokey, and for some reason it completely turns me off. I think deep down I want someone who takes control more, has more confidence, intensity, and sexual energy. He is extremely into me, and so for him it's still hitting all the right notes but i want something completely different. I feel depraved and extremely guilty. Am i just unrealistic, maybe smut has set my expectations too high?

Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 years. I love him deeply and leaving him is not something I want. He’s my best friend and we’ve been together since uni.

But our intimacy has become a huge source of sadness and confusion for me and I don’t know what to do anymore.

When we had just started dating, the chemistry was insane. We would make out every day, find places to sneak off just to touch each other, and it genuinely felt wild and exciting.

Now it’s completely different. For context, we don’t live together yet.

He gained a lot of weight during the Covid years and is now severely overweight, but doesn’t seem to take losing it very seriously. We’ve been having intimacy problems for years now. At one point we went nearly 2 years without sex because he was dealing with erectile dysfunction. He tried medicines, herbal stuff, etc., and eventually it improved somewhat.

I stayed with him through all of it and never made him feel bad about it, even though internally I took multiple hits to my self-esteem and started wondering if I was undesirable.

Part of the issue is physical compatibility too, and I feel horrible even admitting this. His size is quite small, which wasn’t really an issue before, but combined with the reduced stamina now, penetration barely feels like much to me anymore. I want to try different positions, but because of the size it feels impractical. It even slips out during basic stuff like doggy, its only okay during missionary.

We only have sex maybe once every few months and it’s usually brief and unsatisfying for me. We don’t do spontaneous things anymore - no car sex, shower sex, nothing like that. We’ll get a hotel once every 3-4 months, spend 24 hours together, and maybe have sex once or twice maximum. Earlier in our relationship, we once did it 7 times in one night.

I have a very high sex drive mentally and emotionally. I think about sex constantly, get aroused easily, fantasize a lot, read smut, etc. But when it actually comes to having sex with him, something in me completely shuts down.

I hate admitting this because it makes me feel cruel and guilty, but I genuinely don’t think I feel sexual attraction toward him anymore, even though I still love him deeply as a person.

Over the years he has become much less active physically and almost lethargic. He constantly talks about how into me he is and the things he wants to do to me, but it rarely translates into action.

Meanwhile, I still put a lot of effort into myself for him. I buy lingerie, new clothes, dress up for him, try to keep the spark alive. He doesn’t really do the same because he says he feels insecure about his weight and says he’ll start dressing sharply again “once he loses it.”

When we have sex now, I honestly feel more anxious than excited. I worry about him getting tired, losing the erection, feeling embarrassed, etc. Half the time I’m just praying for it to end soon.

I have never orgasmed during penetration. Once he finishes, he usually gets me off with his fingers while I help myself with clitoral stimulation, and mentally I have to completely disconnect and send myself somewhere else or imagine it with someone else to even finish.

The biggest problem is that he doesn’t really see a problem. For him, things are okay because the sex is satisfying for him and I’ve never truly voiced how deeply unhappy and unsatisfied I feel.

I know that if I bring this up honestly, it will hit every insecurity he already has. He’ll feel ashamed, guilty, and hurt, and I can’t bear the idea of being the person who causes that.

I do NOT want to cheat. I don’t want to leave him either.

But I’m reaching a point where I feel sexually frustrated all the time and I’m scared I’m going to become resentful or emotionally disconnected long term.

I get a lot of male attention, whenever we're out at a party or a bar, men do stare at me, try to make moves. My boyfriend doesn't even seem to notice. I wish he would, maybe it would spark a more intense fire. My dark romance fantasies have died a slow death, lol.

We’ve also never really talked openly about toys, experimenting, improving intimacy, or trying new things. The topic feels emotionally loaded and awkward between us now.

I’ve been suppressing these feelings for so long, but it’s gotten to a point where it’s genuinely driving me insane. I need more. I need to understand why I feel so sexually charged in general, but the moment it involves him, the feeling completely fizzles out. I’d rather be doing anything but that, which is heartbreaking when I love sex.

At this point I can barely engage sexually unless I’m drunk.

I’ll try to dirty talk or flirt over text and he’ll respond with overly excited messages with a bunch of emojis, it feels jokey, and for some reason it completely turns me off. I think deep down I want someone who takes control more, has more confidence, intensity, and sexual energy. He is extremely into me, and so for him it's still hitting all the right notes but i want something completely different. I feel depraved and extremely guilty. Am i just unrealistic, maybe smut has set my expectations too high?

Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

Edits:

I really don't understand why people are making assumptions. I have done everything possible. I go to the gym myself and wake him up to go too, and he often makes excuses that he isn't feeling well and whatnot. When he was putting on weight i made him get blood-work done and tests, and turns out he had a fatty liver. He's been on medication for it and i took the initiative to tell him lets both leave sugar and we've been on a sugar free diet together for around 2 years now. When i found his compulsive habit of eating out/ordering in, i made him delete the apps and talked to him about the harmful effects of it, sent him videos on it, and made him promise me not to do it after a long heartfelt conversation. It just started again and in secret. I told him we should both send a picture of our meals to each other to keep each other in check that we're having enough protein and eating right, and he never follows through consistently. I joined a boxing class in hopes he'd want to do it with me, and he did join but i couldn't continue after sometime because of a sprained wrist and he dropped it too.

I have an extrmely difficult personal life, one where i had to step and be the "man of the family" at 17, i'm in a leadership position at work, and i constantly feel like the one running the show in every area of my life and it's a big burden to carry. I did not want a partner i'd have to baby. I wanted someone who would look after me. I have never blamed him in my post nor comments, but it's really hurtful how people are making assumptions that i just never tried anything.

Edit 2:

I have tried talking to him about it. That we need to be more sexually active and just do more and work on our health. He always comforts me, tells me its completely his fault and he'll do better and change. Nothing changes. He often tries initiating a makeout out of nowhere and again, i am just not into it anymore so i try to back off. It feels like a routine or something i have to do and it is not pleasurable. Intimacy for me has to be built with the way you look at me, talk to me, text me, behave around me, dress up for me. None of that is coming through. For god's sake i have talked about it in ways that are not hurtful

Edit 3: Many thanks to the 200+ men DM’ing me with promises of satisfying me. Literally an anonymous platform - how down bad are you?